Faro Nell and Her Friends: Wolfville Stories

  III

  CYNTHIANA, PET-NAMED ORIGINAL SIN

  "This yere speecific heroine is a heap onconventional, so much so asto be plumb puzzlin' to the common mind. Jest the same, she finisheswinner, an' makes herse'f a gen'ral source of pride. She don't notifyus, none whatever, that she intends a Wolfville deboo; jest nacherallydescends upon us, that a-way, as onannounced as a mink on a settin'hen. All the same, we knows she's comin' while yet she's five mile outon the trail. Not that we savvys who she is or what she aims at; wemerely gets moved up next to the fact that she's a lady, an' likewiseno slouch for looks.

  "We reads these yere trooths in the dust old Monte kicks up, as hecomes swingin' in with the stage. Which it's the weakness of thisinebriate, as I tells you former, that once let him get a lady aboard,it looks like it's a signal for him to go pourin' the leather into histeam like he ain't got a minute to live. It's a p'lite attention heassoomes, in his besotted way, is doo the sex.

  "It's the more strange, too, since it's the only attention Monte everpays 'em. He never looks at 'em, never speaks to 'em; simply plantshimse'f on the box, as up an' down as a cow's tail, an' t'ars intothem harassed hosses. If the lady he's complimentin' that a-way was toget jolted overboard--which the same wouldn't be no mir'cal,considerin' how that dipsomaniac drives--it's even money he leaves herhunched up like a jack-rabbit alongside the trail, an' never thinks ofstoppin' or turnin' back. He's merely a drunkard with that one foolidee of showin' off, an' nothin' the stage people's ever able to saycan teach him different. From first to last you-all could measureMonte's notion of the pulcritoode of a petticoat passenger by theextent to which he lams loose with his whip. Given what he deems is ashe-sunburst, he shorely does maltreat the company's live stockshameful.

  "'If,' observes Peets, as a bunch of us stands gossipin' round infront of the Red Light that time, watchin' the dust cloud draw neareran' nearer--'if it's poss'ble to imagine the old sot as havin' aCleopatra to freight over from Tucson, it's a cow pony to a Mexicansheep he'd kill one of the wheelers.'

  "Thar ain't none of us knows who this yere Cleopatra the Doc refers tois, onless it's Colonel Sterett, who edits the _Daily Coyote_. Still,the compar'son is plenty convincin'. Accordin' to the Doc himself,this Cleopatra's a meteoric female party, as lively as she is lovely,who sets a passel of ancient sports to walkin' in a cirkle backsome'ers in the mists of time. Also, it's bloo chips to white, an' bet'em higher than a cat's back, the Doc knows. The Doc is ondoubted thebest eddicated gent that ever makes a moccasin track between Yuma an'the Raton Pass, an' when he onbuckles techin' any historic feachures,you can call for a gooseha'r pillow, an' go to sleep on it he ain'tbarkin' at no knot.

  "Thar's a feeble form of young tenderfoot pesterin' about the suburbsof the crowd. He's one of them hooman deficits, so plumb ornery as tobe useless East, which their fam'lies, in gettin' rid of 'em, sawshapp'ly off onto a onprotected West. This partic'lar racial disaster'sbeen on our hands now mebbe it's six months, an' we-all is hopin'that in some p'intless sort o' way he'll brace up and do overt actswhich entitles us to stampede him out of camp. But so far he don't.

  "This yere exile comes wanderin' into the talk by askin'--his voice asthin as a curlew's:

  "'Who is this old Monte you're alloodin' at?'

  "'Whoever he is?' says Boggs. 'Which if you-all'd struck camp by wayof Tucson, instead of skulkin' upon us in the low-down fashion youdoes along of the Lordsburg-Red Dog buckboard, you wouldn't have toask none. He's the offishul drunkard of Arizona, Monte is. Which thesame should be notice, too, that it's futile for you to go ropin' atthat p'sition. I says this, since from the quantity of Old Jordanyou've been mowin' away, I more'n half infers that you nourishesdesigns upon the place.'

  "The feeble young shorthorn smiles a puny smile, and don't lunge forthinto no more queries.

  "Texas, who's been listenin' to what Boggs says, squar's 'round an'half-way erects his crest for an argyooment. Texas has had maritaltroubles, an' him ponderin' the same constant renders him some morbidan' morose.

  "'From your tone of voice, Dan,' remarks Texas, 'I takes it you holdsMonte's appetite for nose paint to be a deefect. That's whar Idiffers. That old marauder is a drunkard through sheer excess ofguile. He finds in alcohol his ark of refooge. I only wish I'd took towhiskey in my 'teens.'

  "Boggs is amazed.

  "'Texas,' he says, plenty sorrowful, 'it wouldn't astonish me none ifyou finds your finish in a wickeyup deevoted to loonatics, playin'with a string of spools.'

  "'That's your onthinkin' way. Do you reckon now, if I'd been a slaveto drink when that Laredo wife of mine first sees me, she'd havew'irled me to the altar an' made me the blighted longhorn you seesnow? She wouldn't have let me get near enough to her to give her abunch of grapes. It's my sobri'ty that's my ondoin', that an' bein'plumb moral. Which I onerringly traces them divorce troubles, an' hersellin' up my stock at public vandoo for cost an' al'mony like shedoes, to me weakly holdin' aloof from whisky when I'm young.'

  "'Which I shore,'--an' Boggs shows he's mighty peevish an' putout--'never meets up with a more exasp'ratin' conversationist! It'sbecause you're sech an' egreegious egotist! You-all can't talk tenminutes, Texas, but what you're allers bringin' in them domesticaffairs of yours. If you desires to discuss whiskey abstract, an' fromwhat the Doc thar calls a academic standp'int, I'm your gent. But Ideclines to be drug into personal'ties, in considerin' which I mightbe carried by the heat of deebate to whar I gets myse'f shot up.'

  "'I sees your attitood, Dan; I sees your attitood, an' respects it.Jest the same, thar's an anti-nuptial side to the liquor question, an'bein' a drunkard that a-way is not without its compensations.'

  "'But he's bound to be so blurred,' reemonstrates Boggs, who by nacheris dispootatious, an' once started prone to swing an' rattle with atopic like a pup to a pig's y'ear: 'That drunkard is so plumbblurred.'

  "'Blurred but free, Dan,' retorts Texas, mighty firm. 'Don't overlookno sech bet as that drunkard bein' free. Also, it's better to be freethan sober.'

  "'Goin' back to Monte,' says Boggs, returning to the orig'nal text;'half the time, over to the O.K. Restauraw when Missis Rucker slamshim down his chuck, he ain't none shore he's eatin' flapjacks orrattlesnakes. The other day, when Rucker drops a plate, he jumps threefeet in the air, throws up his hands an' yells, "Take the express box,gents, but spar' my life!" It's whiskey does it. The old cimmaronthinks it's road agents stickin' him up.'

  "Dispoote is only ended by the stage thunderin' in--leathers creakin',chains jinglin', bosses a lather of sweat an' alkali dust, Montecocked up on the box as austere as a treeful of owls. He's for openin'the door, but Peets is thar before him. Let it get dealt down toshowin' attentions to a lady, an' the briskest sport'll have to movesome sudden, or the Doc'll beat him to it. Which he certainly is thep'litest drug sharp of which hist'ry makes mention!

  "The Doc offers his hand to he'p her out, but she hits the groundonaided as light as any leaf. Nacherally we looks her over. Take herfrom foretop to fetlocks, she's as lovely as a diamond flush. She'sgot corn-colored ha'r, an' eyes as soft as the sky in Joone. Peetscalls 'em azure--bein' romantic. As for the rest of us, we don't call'em nothin'. Thar's a sprightly look about 'em, which would shorejestify any semi-proodent gent in jumpin' sideways. Likewise, she'spackin' a Colt's .45, an' clutchin' a winchester in her little claw,the same contreebutin' a whole lot toward makin' her impressive as apageant.

  "'How are you, sports?' she says, tossin' her disengaged hand aheap arch. 'I gets word about you-all up in Vegas, an' allows I'llcome trundlin' down yere an' size you up. My idee is you needsregen'ratin'.'

  "'Is thar anything we-all can he'p you to, Miss?' asks Enright, whotakes the play away from Peets. 'If aught is wanted, an' thar's alariat in the outfit long enough to reach, you-all can trust Wolfvilleto rope, throw an' hawg-tie the same accordin' to your wishes.'

  "'Yes,' adds Peets, 'as Sam says, if thar's any little way we-all canserve you, Miss, jest say the word. Likewise, if you don't feel li
kespeakin', make signs; an' if you objects to makin' signs, shake abush. All we reequires is the slightest hint.'

  "'Be ca'm,' says the young lady, her manner as se'f-confident as ifshe's a queen. 'Thar's nothin' demanded of you outlaws except totamely listen. I'm a se'f-respectin', se'f-supportin' young female,who believes in Woman Suffrage, an' the equality of the sexes inpol'tics an' property rights. Which my name is Bark, baptizedCynthiana, the same redooced by my old pap, while yet alive, into thepet name of Original Sin. It's my present purpose to become a citizenof this yere camp, an' take my ontrammeled place in its commerciallife by openin' a grogshop. Pendin' which, do you-all see this?'--an'she dallies gently with a fringe of b'ar-claws she's wearin' as anecklace, the same bein' in loo of beads. 'That grizzly's as big an'ugly as him.' Yere she tosses a rose-leaf hand at Boggs, who breaksinto a profoose sweat. 'I downs him. Also, I'll send the firsthorned-toad among you, who pays me any flagrant attentions, pirootin'after that b'ar. Don't forget, gents: my name's Bark, Cynthiana Bark,pet-named Original Sin, an' thar's a bite goes with the Bark.'

  "Havin' conclooded this yere salootatory, Miss Bark, givin' acoquettish flourish to her winchester, goes trapsein' over to the O.K. Restauraw, leavin' us--as the story-writer puts it--glooed to thespot. You see it ain't been yoosual for us to cross up with ladieswho, never waitin' for us to so much as bat an admirin' eye or wag anadorin' y'ear, opens neegotations by threatenin' to shoot us in two.

  "'Thar's a young lady,' says Peets, who's first to ketch his breath,'that's got what I calls _verve_.'

  "'Admittin' which,' observes Enright, some doubtful, havin' beenthrown back on his hocks a whole lot; 'some of you-all young bucksmust none the less have looked at her in a improper way to start herghost-dancin' like she does.'

  "Enright's eye roves inquirin'ly from Boggs to Texas, an' even takesin Tutt.

  "'Not me!' declar's Texas, plenty fervent; 'not me!--more'n if she's ashe rattlesnake!'

  "'As the husband of Tucson Jennie,' observes Tutt, his air somehaughty--which he allers puts on no end of dog whenever he mentionshis fam'ly--'as the husband of Tucson Jennie, an' the ondoubted fatherof that public ornament an' blessin', little Enright Peets Tutt, I donot regyard it as up to me to cl'ar myse'f of no sech charges.'

  "'Sam,' says Boggs, his voice reproachful, 'you notes how she makesinvidious compar'sons between me an' that b'ar, an' how she beefs theb'ar? After which gratooitous slur it's preeposterous to s'ppose I'dgo admirin' her or to takin' any chances.'

  "'Then it's you,' says Enright, comin' round on the puny tenderfoot.'Jack,' he continyoos, appealin' to Jack Moore, who's kettle-tender tothe Stranglers, of which arm of jestice Enright is chief--'Jack, doyou reemark any ontoward looks or leers on the part of this yerepartic'lar prairie dog, calc'lated to alarm a maiden of fastidiousfeelin's?'

  "'Sir,' breaks in the feeble young tenderfoot, an' all mightytremyoolous, 'as shore as my name is Oscar Freelinghuysen I never evenglances at that girl. I ain't so much as present while she's issuin'her deefiances. I lapses into the Red Light the moment I observes howshe's equipped, an' Black Jack, the barkeep, will ver'fy my words.'

  "'All right,' warns Enright, plumb severe, 'you be careful an' conductyourself deecorous. Wolfville is a moral camp. Thar's things doneevery day an' approved of in Noo York which'd get a gent downed inWolfville.'

  "'That Miss Bark mentions she's Woman Suffrage, Sam?' observes Boggs,in a questionin' way, as we stands sloppin' out a recooperative fortydrops in the Red Light.

  "'Shore!' replies Enright. 'The Doc yere can tell you all about 'em.As I onderstands, they're a warlike bevy of women who voylentlyresents not bein' born men. Thar's one thing, however; I sincerelytrusts that none of you young sports'll prove that forward an' onwaryas to go callin' her by her pet name of Original Sin. Which she mighttake advantage of it. Them exponents of women's rights is plumb fullof the onexpected, that a-way, an' it's my belief that all who ain'thonin' to commit sooicide'll be careful an' address her as MissBark.'

  "'Be they many of that Woman Suffrage brand?' persists Boggs.

  "'Herds of 'em,' chips in Peets. 'The Eastern ranges is alive with'em. But they don't last. As a roole they gets married, an' that'sgen'rally speakin' the end of their pernicious activ'ties. Wedlock isa heap apt to knock their horns off.'

  "Faro Nell, Tucson Jennie an' Missis Rucker don't take to this MissBark's Woman Suffrage views.

  "'She's welcome,' says the latter esteemable cook an' matron, 'to herfeelin's; but she mustn't come preachin' no doctrine to me, wharof theeffects is to lower me to Rucker's level. I've had trouble enoughredoocin' that ground-hawg to where he belongs, an' I ain't goin' tosacrifice the work of years for no mere sentiments.'

  "'Which I shore agrees with you, Missis Rucker,' says Nell, lookin' upfrom some plum preeserves she's backin' off the noonday board toconsider Cherokee, who's settin' next; 'a woman has enough to do toboss one gent, without tryin' to roole broadcast over wholecommoonities.'

  "At this exchange of views Cherokee softly grins like a sharp who cansee his way through. As for Rucker, who's waitin' on the table an'packin' in viands from the kitchen, he takes it as sullen as asorehead dog. Personal, I ain't got no use for Rucker; but betweenus, Missis Rucker, one way an' another, does certainly oppress himgrievous.

  "Before the week is out we knows a lot more about Miss Bark than wedoes when she first comes prancin' out upon us from Monte's stage. Notthat thar's aught ag'inst the lady. It's doo to Enright, who beginsrecollectin' things.

  "'Which I knows her pop,' explains Enright, 'now my mem'ry's assertin'itse'f, I knows him when he first comes bulgin' into the Pecos Valley,eighteen years ago. This Original Sin daughter an' her maw don't showup none till later. Thar's no more innocent form of tenderfoot thanBark ever comes weavin' into the Southwest. He's that ignorantlyinnocent, wild geese is as wise as serpents to him. But he's full of apainstakin' energy, all the same, an' mighty assidyoous to learn.'

  "'Whatever does he turn to?' asks Texas.

  "'He hires out to a peach ranch. An' this'll show you how industrious,that a-way, this Bark tarrapin is. The peach ranch party has a measlybunch of sheep. He keeps 'em nights in a box-tight board corral, so'sthe coyotes can't get to mingle with 'em none. Days he throws 'emloose to feed. The first evenin' the peach ranch gent tells this yereBark to corral the sheep, an' then come in for supper. "An' be shore,"says the peach ranch party, "you gets 'em all in."

  "'An hour goes by, an' the peach ranch party is about through hisfeed, when this yere Bark drifts up to the table. His face is flushed,but he's w'arin' a look of triumph. "I hives 'em," says he, someexultant; "only one lamb does shore force me to extend myse'f a lot.I'll gamble I runs a hundred miles before I rounds him up."

  "'Next mornin' the peach ranch party goes out to throw loose themsheep. As he cranes his neck over the corral fence to count the bunchhe's amazed to see a jack-rabbit galumpin' about among 'em. "Gin'ralJackson fit the English!" he exclaims; "however does that jack-rabbitget himse'f mixed in with them sheep?" An' he p'ints it out to Bark.

  "'That ontootered person is all astonishment. "Jack-rabbit!" says he."Why, I hopes next fall to vote the reepublican ticket an' diedisgraced if I don't put it down for a lamb! That's the anamile whichmakes me run my laigs off roundin' of him up!"'

  "'Which, as you says, Sam,' reemarks Tutt, signin' up to Black Jack toset out the bottles, 'in the face of sech a showin' that Bark partymust have been plenty ardent.'

  "'I should shore yell!' coincides Boggs.

  "'But he learns in time, of course?' questions Nell.

  "'Learns, Nellie?' repeats Enright; 'it ain't three years before heidentifies himse'f with the life about him to that degree he bumps offtwo kyard sharps who tries to cold-deck him in a poker game, an' findsbesides his steady employment stealin' old John Chisholm's calves,tharby assistin' in plantin' the toomultous seed of what comessubsequent to be called the Lincoln County War.'

  "'What's the finish of this interestin' crim'nal?' asks Cher
okee.

  "'Lynched,' returns Enright. 'They puts him over the jump at SevenRivers. You see this Rattlesnake--they calls him Rattlesnake Bark inthem later years--is bunked down in one of these yere jim-crow,barn-board hotels. Thar's a resoundin' form of guest in the adjoinin'room, snorin' to beat four kings an' a ace. Rattlesnake tries poundin'on the partition, an' sw'arin' at him, an' callin' him a hoss thief.It's no avail. The snores of that boarder sounds like sawin' planks,an' fa'rly rocks the shack--they're that stormy. Final, whenRattlesnake's burdens gets to be more'n flesh an' blood can b'ar, hereaches for his .45, an' bombards that sleeper good an' plenty throughthe wall. It turns out it's the new jedge. In the mornin', when thisjoorist is discovered too dead to skin, the public is that mortifiedit takes Rattlesnake out as soon as breakfast's over, an' strings himto a limb.'

  "'Don't this pore Rattlesnake get no hearin'?' asks Nell.

  "'You see, Nellie,' Enright explains, 'what with maverickin' theChisholm calves, an' a stage or two hold-up which p'ints to him, theclose season's been out as to this Rattlesnake person for mighty likea year. Not but what he might have made preperations. Thar's areeligious party present who asks Rattlesnake if he wants to praysome. "Which you'll cross the dark river all the easier," expounds thereeligious gent. But Rattlesnake reefuses his ministrations. "I'mwhat I be," he says; "an' as for that dark river you refers to, Iain't lookin' for no shallow ford."

  "'This Rattlesnake,' continyoos Enright, 'is willin' to learn to thelast. It's his way. Spring a new game on him an' he's out instanterlookin' for information an' advice. That's why he comes on so fast.Thar bein' nothin' to stand him on for the purpose of bein' lynched,the Stranglers posed Rattlesnake a-top of a stack of hay, which isheaped up onder the tree they're yootilizin'. When the lariat is roundhis neck, an' he's disposed of the reeligious party who attempts toturn the business into a pra'r meetin', Rattlesnake looks at the chiefof the committee an' says, "This yere bein' hanged from hay-cocks isplumb new to me entire, an' tharfore I'm obleeged to ask whetheryou-all expects me to jump off or slide?"'

  "'Well,' comments Jack Moore, drawin' a deep breath, 'the oldmurderer's game--misguided, mebby, but game.'

  "'That may be as it may,' observes Boggs, plenty thoughtful, 'butafter all I regyards these yere details which Sam onfurls as chieflyvalyooable as sheddin' a ray on this Miss Bark. On the chance that shetakes after her old man, from now on I'm goin' to walk 'round her likeshe's a swamp.'

  "It's ten days after Miss Bark hits camp that things begins to focus.An old Mexican, the color of a blacksmith's apron, an' his wife, who'sthe same prosaic tint, comes creakin' along with a six-mule team--twowagons, lead an' trail--loaded to the gyards with stock an' fixtures.Said par'fernalia havin' arrived, Miss Bark busts in the door of theold deserted Lady Gay, an' takes possession. Armstrong, who runs theNoo York store, is the owner of the Lady Gay, but onder thecircumstances he allows it'd be the act of a barbarian to interfere.

  "Besides, the attitoode of the young lady herse'f is plumb discouragin'.

  "'I'd shore admire,' she remarks, as, with the aid of her Mexicans,she goes tossin' things into p'sition, 'to see some male felon try torun a bluff about him havin' title to this Lady Gay structure, an'becomin' my landlord. Men have tyrannized a heap too long as it isover onprotected women, an' thar's one at least who's took in patientsilence all she will.'

  "When Miss Bark's organized, she tacks up over the door a sign whichthe painter at the stage station preepar's. It reads:

  VOTES FOR WOMEN SALOON

  "'Only get it straight,' says Miss Bark when she has us close-herdedat chuck time in the dinin' room of the O. K. Restauraw; 'I ain'topenin' this saloon none with a view to sordid gain. I got moneyenough right now to buy an' burn this yere deboshed town of Wolfville,an' then prance over an' purchase an' apply the torch to that equallyabandoned outfit, Red Dog. What I'm reachin' for is the p'liticaluplift of this camp. Recognizin' whiskey as a permanency an' thatsaloons has come to stay, I aims to show folks how them reesortsshould be run. I hopes to see the day when every s'loon'll be in thehands of ladies. For I holds that once woman controls the nosepaint ofthe nation the ballot is bound to follow.'

  "Once it's started we-all manages to patronize the Votes For WomenS'loon for a average of three drinks a day. Enright advises it assafer.

  "'Otherwise she might resent it,' explains Enright, 'an' armed to theteeth like she is, an' possessin' them perfervid idees, thar's notellin' whar she'd end.'

  "None of us feels like hangin' out thar. The atmosphere is too plumbformal. Besides, this yere Miss Bark has rooles. No kyards ispermitted; an', moreover, you've got to go outdoors to sw'ar. As todrinks, the soberest among us can't get licker oftener than everyother time, while Monte can't get none at all. That Votes For WomenS'loon, considered as a house of call, is, an' put it mildest,certainly depressin'.

  "When I speaks of us patronizin' Miss Bark for three daily drinks,that a-way, thar's exceptions. Monte, as I states, is barred by thelady personal on the grounds of him bein' a slave to drink; while Tuttis forbid by Tucson Jennie. Tutt chafes some at them mandates ofJennie's; but bein' keenly alive as to what's comin' to her, as wellas what she's cap'ble of, in her triple role of woman, wife an'mother, he yields.

  "As for Texas, while he subscribes to them three diurnal drinks, heallers insists that he has company.

  "'It's all right,' Texas'd say; 'I ain't intimatin' that this MissBark goes cherishin' designs. But it's my onbreakable roole, sincethem divoice experiences, to never enter the presence of onmarriedladies onless attended by witnesses.'

  "Owin' to which, some of us allers trails in along with Texas when hevisits the Votes For Women S'loon. Even when thus protected heonflaggin'ly confines his observations to 'Licker, Miss, please!' an'stops thar as dumb as graven images. Once the licker's before him heheaves it into himse'f same as if it's drugs, an' instantly pulls hisfreight a heap speedy, breathin' hard. An' all as scared as ajack-rabbit that's heard the howl of a wolf.

  "Does Miss Bark go proselytin' 'round concernin' them Rights of Women?Which she shore does! You may say she omits no opportoonity. It'sbefore Wolfville gets that effete it mixes drinks, an' any one whoknows water from whiskey can 'tend bar. Wharfore, Miss Bark standswatch an' watch with her old Mexican, Pancho. The times she herse'f ismin'sterin' to our needs she's preachin' Woman Suffrage incessant.Also, not bein' plumb locoed, we bows in concord tharunto. Enright an'Peets both concurs that it's the thing to do, an' we does it.

  "'Whatever difference does it make?' says Enright; 'the price ofsteers remains the same, three-of-a-kind continyoos to beat two pa'r,thar's still fifty-two kyards in a faro deck, an' every other law ofnacher survives onteched. My notion is to agree with this Miss Bark,verbal, an' trust to Wolfville's onbeatable luck to pull us through.'

  "This counsel sounds good to us, an' we follows it. When Miss Barksets forth her woman's rights fulm'nations along with her nosepaint,we murmurs a hearty assent, an' drinks down both impartial. Boggs,who's 'motional an' easy worked on, even gets to whar he gives it outhe's actchooally a convert.

  "Miss Bark has been on the map for mebby it's a week, then thar occursa eeposide which, while it makes no profound impression, deceasedbein' a Mexican, shows she ain't packin' her pap Rattlesnake's oldColt's .45 in a sperit of facetiousness. It's about third drink timeone evenin' when thar's the dull roar of a gun from over in the VotesFor Women S'loon. When we arrives we finds a dead greaser carelesslyquiled up near the door, an' Miss Bark snappin' the empty shell out ofher six-shooter.

  "'He was roode,' is the only explanation she vouchsafes; an' Enright,after lookin' at Peets a spell, who's lookin' at the ceilin', saysit's s'fficient.

  "'Only,' says Enright, when we're all back safe in the Red Light, 'Isincerely trusts she won't get her hindsights notched up to whar shetakes to bumpin' off _Americanos_. I shore don't know whatever in sechcase we could do, vig'lance committees, in the very essence of theirconstruction, possessin' no joorisdiction ov
er ladies.'

  "'That's right, Sam,' says Peets, plenty grave; 'if it ever gets towhar this Miss Bark turns her artillery loose on the camp permis'custhe only hope left would be to adjourn Wolfville _sine die_.'

  "Miss Bark, however, never does grow homicidal toward any of us, an'the only effect of her puttin' that Mexican over is that it inclinesfolks gen'ral to step high an' softly on what occasions they're foundplantigradin' about in her s'ciety.

  "One week, two weeks, three weeks goes by, an' since a dead Mexicanmore or less ain't calc'lated to leave no onefface'ble scars theincident is all but forgot, when a second uprisin' takes place in theVotes For Women S'loon. This time it's that sickly curlew-voiced Oscarwho's the shriekin' center of eevents. Most of us is jest filin' outof the O. K. Restauraw, pickin' our teeth after our matootinalreepast, when we beholds this yere Oscar boilin' fo'th from the VotesFor Women S'loon, all spraddled out. As he goes t'arin' down thestreet Miss Bark seelects a graceful p'sition in the door, an' ca'mlypumps three loads at him out of her winchester. When I says she pumpsthem bullets at Oscar it's to be took conserv'tive; for none of 'emhits him, but only tosses up the dust about his flyin' feet. At thelast shot Oscar cripples down in a shiverin' heap; an' with that Texasan' Boggs, not knowin' the extent of his injuries, rolls him onto ablanket an' packs him to his room over at the O. K. House, so's Peetscan prospect his frame all scientific locatin' the lead.

  "Thar bein' no lead, as reelated, Peets reeports final to thateffect.

  "'Only,' says Peets, 'he's scared up to sech extents that if our Joanof Arc had dusted his gaiters with so much as two more bullets he'dhave been beyond medical skill.'

  "Followin' the foosilade Miss Bark sends for Enright.

  "'It's this way,' she goes on, when Enright arrives. 'That shorthornOscar comes lurchin' in, an' asks for nosepaint. As he stands thar,puttin' it onder his belt--me meanwhile swabbin' off the bar--hementions that his paw's rich, an' his step-maw's jest died, leavin'him an' his paw alone. Then he calls attention to the presence in campof that strayed sky-pilot, who preaches an' passes the hat the otherevenin' over in the wareroom of the Noo York store. It's now, havin'got the bar tittivated to my taste, I has time to look this Oscarperson's way, an' I finds him gloatin' over me in form an' manner notto be mistook. "Whatever be you leerin' at?" I deemands, bein' I'm inno mood for insults. Tharupon, he cuts loose a mouthful of platitoodesconcernin' wedlock, an' about me bein' the soul of his soul. Havin'stood it a while, an' findin' my forbearance makes him worse, I grabsmy winchester whar it's reposin' ready for eemergincies on thedripboard, an' you knows the rest.'

  "'With your free consent, Miss,' says Enright, 'I'd like to put onequery. Was you aimin' to down, or to simply skeer this Oscar?'

  "'I was only skeerin' him up some,' replies Miss Bark coyly. 'W'y, ifI was reely out for his skelp, I'd have shore got it a heap. You canpin a patch the size of a dollar on that disparin' lover's coat, an'I'll cut it nine times in ten, offhand, at a hundred yards.'

  "'Tests is not reequired,' Enright interposes, plenty hasty; 'it'spart of the organic law of this yere camp that a lady's word, evenabout her age, is to be took onchallenged.'

  "'Which I'm flattered,' says Miss Bark. 'Now, is thar anything else?'

  "'Only this,' returns Enright. 'As long as he gives you cause, an' youcan shoot like you says, why ever don't you down him?'

  "'Which I confesses,' says Miss Bark, a blush mantlin' her brow,'that sech is my orig'nal intentions when I reaches for my weepon. Butjest as I sees that Oscar through the sights it comes upon me thatthar's nothin' in bein' preecip'tate, an' mebby I'd better give myse'fthe needed time to think his offer over.'

  "Enright shakes his wisdom-freighted head; when he relates his talk toPeets, the Doc shakes his head sim'lar in sapient yoonison.

  "'Which I'll bet a hatful of yellow chips,' says Boggs, who's stoodlistenin', 'ag'inst a handful of whites, that this yere Miss Barkmakes herse'f an' that Oscar shorthorn man an' wife.'

  "'Now I wouldn't wonder none,' observes Peets, replyin' to the look inEnright's eye. 'That shootin' needn't count. A troo affection isfreequent boisterous, that a-way.'

  "'An' in case,' says Enright, 'the kyards do fall in favor ofmatrimony, it'll most likely be the end of that Votes For WomenS'loon. I begins to see how this yere ongrateful outfit may yet getdeep in debt to that egreegious Oscar.'

  "None of us ever says so, but it's the common belief that Texasconnives at this yere threatened Oscar's escape. In any case, thenext mornin' Oscar goes catfoot out of the O. K. House before folks isup, an' takes to hidin' out. The fact is he's layin' for Monte an' thestage, about ten mile no'th of camp. Leastwise, he's thar a heap whenMonte comes along, an' deemands that he be took up an' carried toTucson.

  "It ain't first drink time before this Oscar's missed, an' by seconddrink time the news has drifted over to Miss Bark. It's Peets whoinforms her, an' he tells us, when reelatin' the incident, that theway that deeserted lady knits her brow is a caution to philos'phers.

  "'So,' she says at last, 'that onmitigated seedoocer thinks to leaveme in this heartless way. He'll find before he's through that it's nolight matter to charm into fervent life a love like mine.'

  "'It's the theery, Miss,' says Peets, 'of the best minds in camp thatthis Oscar's hit the Tucson trail afoot, with a plan of headin' offthe stage.'

  "Ten minutes an' Miss Bark is in the saddle, a lead pony gallopin' byher side, in hot pursoote of the dir'lect.

  "'That lead pony looks om'nous, Doc,' observes Enright, as the twostands watchin' Miss Bark's departure.

  "'It's prov'dential,' remarks Peets, as he heads the procession to theRed Light, 'that that sky-pilot's aboard the stage. Which he ought towork in plumb handy.'

  "Six hours later Miss Bark comes surgin' in with her Oscar foogitive,his heels tied onder the belly of the lead hoss. Any one can see byhis benumbed expression that he's a married man. The two headsstraight for the Votes For Women S'loon, an' after boltin' her newhe'pmeet into the back room, Miss Bark takes a peek in the glass, patsdown her ha'r, an' goes behind the bar as yoosual.

  "'Yes,' she replies, an' all a heap modest an' artless, as Peets an'Enright--actin' on behalf of the camp--gyardedly inquires if they'reto offer congratulations, 'I reckon you may. An' the best part is thatmy dear Oscar's so plumb ready an' willin'. Which I never knows abridegroom, gents, who gets married with so little struggle.'

  "IT'S YOU, OSCAR, THAT I WANT," OBSERVES MISS BARK. "ICONCLOODES, UPON SOBER SECOND THOUGHT, TO ACCEPT YOUR OFFER OF MARRIAGE."p. 93.]

  "'How soon, Missis Freelinghuysen,' says Peets, 'do you-all reckon onlettin' this Oscar husband out?'

  "'Oh,' she returns, 'as soon as ever it's safe. Jest now he's someonstrung; but in a day or two I figger he'll begin to get reeconciledto his bliss. An' at that, my main idee in lockin' him up is one ofreeform rather than restraint. Oscar's been over-drinkin' himse'f oflate; an' I aims to get the whiskey out of him, so as I can form somereas'nable estimate of how much of a husband that a-way I've doneroped up.'

  "'Is thar any objections,' asks Enright, 'to our visitin' this modernpris'ner of Chillon? We binds ourselves to say nothin' that'll frethim, or set him to beatin' his life out ag'inst the bars.'

  "'W'y, shore,' she replies, 'you-all is quite welcome. I only hopesyou'll teach him to look at things in their proper light.'

  "'It ain't so much,' says this Oscar husband, when Enright an' Peetscalls upon him in his captivity, 'that I've been hurried, onregyardfulof my feelin's, into the married state. But, gents, my parent is doo,accordin' to his last letter, to come curvin' in yere any minute; an'whatever do you-all reckon now he's goin' to say?'

  "Enright an' Peets is so moved they promises the imprisoned Oscartheir support, an' this leaves him, if not hopeful, at least somecheered.

  "Monte gives his version of them nuptials when he returns fromTucson.

  "'Which it's this a-way, pards,' says Monte. 'I'm twenty miles no'thof yere, when somethin' flashes by with a lead hoss,
like arrows.Thinks I, "That's a hoss thief gettin' away with some stock"; an',allowin' Jack Moore'll be hard on his neefarious hocks, I'm lookin'back to see can I raise Jack's dust. The next I knows, an' all assudden as a pan of milk from a top shelf, I hears a silv'ry voiceremarkin': "Set your brake!" an' turnin' my head I finds a winchesterp'intin' as squar' between my eyes as you-all could lay your finger.Gents, thar's something mighty cogent about a winchester that a-way,an' I shore shoves on the brake with sech abandon I snaps the shankshort off.'

  "'Wharever is this Oscar party?' asks Enright.

  "'He's with me on the box; an' when this yere intrepid Miss Bark takesto dom'neerin' at us with that rifle he collapses. "It's you, Oscar,"observes this Miss Bark, shiftin' the muzzle to him. "Upon secondthought I concloods to accept your offer of marriage."

  "'Which at that crisis,' remarks Peets, 'this Oscar of course breaksinto loud an' joyful cries.'

  "'Not exactly. In fact, his tones if anything is some low-sperited. "Itakes it," he says, when he's able to command his feelin's, "that youdeclines them proffers with your winchester at the time when made."But the lady dismisses this as a quibble, an' merely sayin' that shewon't be paltered with no farther, orders Oscar an' the Bible sharpwho's ridin' inside to assemble by the edge of the trail. The Biblesharp attempts to lay the foundations of fresh objections by askin'Oscar does he do this of his own free will; but the muzzle of thewinchester--which the bride all along reetains in her hands--beginsmovin' 'round in his direction, observin' which man'festation hepronounces 'em husband an' wife. "What heaven has j'ined together,"says he, "let no man put asunder." After which he blesses 'em, an'reeports the last cinch fastened. "Pay him, Oscar," whispers thebride. Wharupon Oscar, his fingers tremblin', squars the Bible sharpwith the price of a brace of steers, an' the deed is done. Now he'shers for better or worse, she ropes his heels together onder the bellyof her lead hoss, an' the happy pa'r goes romancin' back forWolfville, while I kicks loose what's left of the brake an' p'ints outag'in for Tucson.'

  "On the third day, by givin' his parole an' promising to fondlyreeport to his spouse once every hour, Oscar is permitted to goreecreatin' about the camp.

  "'Only,' says the lady, by way of warnin' to Black Jack, 'thar's to beno drinks.'

  "These yere strained conditions preevails for mebby it's five days,when, as the stage swings in to the post office one evenin', a stoutflorid old gent gets out. He comes puffin' up to Peets a heapsoopercilious.

  "'Do you-all know a addle-pated an' semi-eediotic young party,' sayshe, 'who's named Oscar Freelinghuysen?'

  "'Why, yes,' returns Peets, 'I do. Onless my mem'ry's pulled itspicket pin an' gone plumb astray he's the eboolient sharp whoconclooded a somewhat toomultuous courtship last week by gettin'married. He's in the shank of his honeymoon as we stands chattin'yere.'

  "The florid gent glares at Peets, his feachures the color of liver,his eyes stickin' out like the eyes of a snail.

  "'Married!' he gasps, an' falls in a apoplectic fit.

  "It takes a week an' all the drugs Peets has got before thatapoplectic's able to sit up an' call for nosepaint. An' whatever doyou think? His daughter-in-law, but onbeknownsts to him as sech,nurses him from soda to hock. Oscar Joonior? By advice of Enright thatprodigal's took to cover over in Red Dog ontil we've made shore aboutthe fatted calf.

  "The former Miss Bark puts up that nursin' game with Peets, an' dayan' night she hangs over her apoplectic father-in-law like a painterover a picture. She's certainly as cunnin' as a pet fox! She dressesas quiet as a quail an' makes her voice as softly sober as a suckin'dove's. In the end she's got that patient hypnotized.

  "After Peets declar's him out of danger, an' all propped up in hisblankets he's subscribed to mighty likely it's the fifth drink, theapoplectic begins to shed tears a heap profoose, an' relate to hisnurse--the former Miss Bark--how his two wives has died, leavin' him alonely man. She, the former Miss Bark, is his only friend--hesays--an' he winds up his lamentations by recommendin' that she becomehis third.

  "'You're the only hooman heart who ever onderstands me,' he wails,gropin' for her hand, 'an' now my ongrateful boy has contracted amessalliance I shore wants you for my wife.'

  "She hangs her head like a flower at night, an' lets on she's a heapconfoosed.

  "'Speak,' he pleads; 'tell me that you'll be mine.'

  "'Which I'd shore admire to, but I can't,' she murmurs; 'I'm wedded toyour son.'

  "The old apoplectic asks for more licker in a dazed way, an' sends forPeets. The Doc an' him goes into execyootive session for most anhour; meanwhile the camp's on edge.

  "At the close the Doc eemerges plumb radiant.

  "'Everything's on velvet,' he says; 'thar's never a more joodiciousconvalescent. He freely admits, considerin' the sort of daughter-in-lawhe's acquired, that Oscar has more sense than folks suspects.'

  "Now that the skies is cl'ared, the bridegroom is fetched back fromRed Dog, an' thar's a grand reeconciliation.

  "'We'll all go back East together,' sobs father-in-law Freelinghuysen,holdin' both their hands.

  "Two days later they starts, Missis Freelinghuysen Joonier lookin'after father-in-law Freelinghuysen same as if he's a charlotteroosse.

  "The Votes For Women S'loon?

  "It's kept a secret, at Peet's su'gestion, him bein' apoplectic thata-way. The stock is bought by public subscription of the camp, an'when the Freelinghuysen household is out of sight an' hearin' weinvites Red Dog over in a body an' onbelts in a mod'rate orgy. Thesign, 'Votes For Women S'loon,' is now preeserved in the custody ofthe Wolfville Historical Society, which body is called into activebein' upon motion of Peets, while Red Dog an' us is drinkin' up thestock."