Life on Mars

  For Scott

  Contents

  1 The Booger Galaxy

  2 Brattius: The Snarling Sister Stars

  3 The Face-Eating Zombie Constellation

  4 The Black Hole of Las Vegas

  5 The Big Scream Theory

  6 The Rocket Ship of Doom

  7 The Wailing Rainbow Star

  8 The Aunt Knee Constellation

  9 The Castor-Old Collision

  10 A Situation of Infinite Gravity

  11 Terror: The Alpha Star in the Neighbor Constellation

  12 The Hidden Universe of Lights and Prisoners

  13 The Intergalactic Association of I Heart Faces

  14 The Greatest (or at Least Pretty Cool) Space Discovery of all Time

  15 Tripp in Opposition

  16 Official Mission: Bread and Jam

  17 The Surprisius Meteor Shower

  18 Astro or Naut?

  19 Total Eclipse of the Mom

  20 Tripp’s Atmosphere is Starting to Look Weightless

  21 The Deep Space Immersion

  22 Blastoff Into Nothingness

  23 The Tuna Salad Corpse Moon

  24 Martians, Morse-Shuns

  25 The Huey Discovery

  26 The Silent But Deadly Nebula

  27 The Grouchytush Hypothesis

  28 Two Moons Named Fear and Panic

  29 A Comet’s Tail (Not the Dog’s, But Just as Smelly)

  30 Huey and the Great Space Explosion

  31 The Unexpected Solar Flare of Love

  32 Cashius Kiddius: The Friendship Constellation

  33 The Gravitational Pull of the Mother, Er … Father Planet

  34 The Space Shuttle Epiphany, Ready for Liftoff!

  35 3-2-1 Contact!

  Fun Facts About Mars

  Acknowledgments

  1

  The Booger Galaxy

  You would think that my earliest space-related memory would be about, well, space. It would make sense that I’d remember sitting outside, my legs and arms all covered with bug spray, as I wished on shooting stars and peered at the moon through a telescope. Or that I’d recall my father standing next to me, showing me the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, the North Star.

  But, no. My first space-related memory is about boogers. Because that’s what happens when you let sisters get involved in things—your best memories get all boogered up.

  I was four, and we were lying in the backyard looking for Orion, the Great Hunter in the sky. It was winter, so Dad had pulled our sleeping bags out of the garage and Mom made us hot cocoa, and we were all staring at three stars in a line that Dad said were supposed to make up Orion’s belt.

  Dad pointed straight up. “You see that haze on his hip, Arty?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered, goose bumps breaking out on my arms even though the cocoa was making my hands sweat inside my gloves.

  “You see it?”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “That, Arty, is the Horsehead Nebula.”

  “The Horsehead Nebula,” I repeated, letting out a long, satisfied sigh. “What is it?”

  “I just told you. The Horsehead Nebula.”

  “The Horsehead Nebula,” I said again. “What is a nebula made of?”

  But before my dad—who knows everything there is to know about the winter sky, the summer sky, and every sky in between—could open his mouth, my older sister, Vega, piped up.

  “Boogers,” she said, and then giggled. “The whole sky is made of boogers.”

  Generally speaking, boogers are pretty awesome when you’re four. So a nebula made of boogers was a fairly fascinating concept to me. But at that moment my little sister, Cassi, who was barely two and much easier to get along with than she is now, chose to speak her first full sentence:

  “Sky is boogers!”

  Mom got upset that she had to write “Sky is boogers” in Cassi’s baby journal, so she made us go inside. All except for Dad, who had to stay outside and roll up the sleeping bags by himself.

  I never got to find out what the Horsehead Nebula was really made of.

  I finally found out in fourth-grade space camp that a nebula is a big cloud of gas. But it turns out big clouds of gas are hilarious to fourth-grade boys sleeping over in an echoey space museum, so my moment was ruined. Again.

  But boogers or no boogers, I could remember that first night so clearly. Orion. My first constellation.

  If you step outside on a winter night, and you face southwest and look up, you will see three stars in a line. Those stars are Mintaka, Alnilam, and Alnitak but are more commonly known as Orion’s belt. The stars surrounding the belt make up the Orion constellation, a warrior holding a shield in one hand and a club in the other, ready to attack a bull, his sword gleaming in his belt. Muscle, bravery, ferocity! Ka-pow! Ka-chang! Ka-thud!

  The story goes that Orion was the son of a sea god and a great huntress. It is also said that he got all full of himself and talked smack and a scorpion bit him and he died. And because of that, the Orion constellation and the Scorpio constellation hang out at opposite ends of the sky, so you can never see them at the same time. Orion is pretty much running away from Scorpio every night for all eternity.

  So, yeah, he was also kind of a wimp. Because, seriously, a scorpion is just a bug.

  Now, if you follow the stars of Orion’s belt straight up to the left, you will find a red supergiant. The star that I was named after: Betelgeuse.

  Which literally translates to … “Armpit.”

  Okay, “Armpit of the Central One,” but to me that only sounded like a really hairy armpit, and kind of sweaty, too, from fighting off bulls and minotaurs and scorpions and stuff.

  To be fair, Betelgeuse is only my middle name. My first name is actually Arty, short for Arcturus, which is the alpha star in the Boötes constellation. Being the alpha star sounds pretty important, until you follow it up with Armpit. Armpit kind of makes every name lose its luster. I could’ve been named after the sun, and if you put Armpit after it … again with the sweaty image, am I right?

  So, yeah, that’s me: Arcturus Betelgeuse Chambers.

  There was this famous astronomer named Carl Sagan who figured out all kinds of cool stuff, like that it was trapped gases that made Venus so hot and that there was water on Saturn’s moon Titan. And he had this really famous quote that said we are all made of starstuff. What he meant by that was that all of the chemicals that go into our teeth and bones and hair and the food we eat and the cars we drive and the entire planet and pretty much everything came from exploded stars in our universe billions of years ago.

  I don’t know if I really understand what he was saying. I mean, my third-grade teacher, Mr. Pictor, had the yellowest teeth I’d ever seen on a human being, with little flecks of brown stuck in between the bottom ones. Hard to believe those came from a star. More like from a muddy river, maybe.

  But what I do know is that if anyone is made of starstuff, the Chambers family is definitely it. From Grandpa Muliphein, who was named after the delta star of Canis Major, to Uncle Fornax, who slept in a lawn chair on his roof during the summer, to my second cousins, Longie and Lattie (short for Longitude and Latitude), right on down to Corvus Chambers—otherwise known as … my dad.

  Dad worked at the university observatory, a job he’d had since he was an astronomy and physics grad student. That was where he’d met Mom, who was a “cute little co-ed with glistening red curls and blah blah blah”—I never knew how the rest of that sentence went because it was disgusting to hear him talk about it. That’s my mom!

  I pretty much grew up in that observatory. Dad would hold my hand, helping me climb the stairs, saying, “Did you know, Arty, that Saturn’s rings were first discovered in the sixteen hundreds by Galileo? And we now know that
those rings are made up of ice. And Saturn has sixty-two moons.…” I’d pretend I was walking the catwalk to a space shuttle with my dog, Comet, at my heels, yipping inside a doggy space helmet. And we’d get up to the top of the stairs and Dad would throw open the door and there would be the giant telescope. Smooth, gleaming, pointing toward the sky as if it were a rocket ready to take off right through the ceiling. It almost took my breath away.

  Dad would pat me between the shoulder blades, pushing me toward the eyepiece. “Go ahead,” he’d say. “I’ve already got her trained on Mars for you.”

  I’d step up on shaky legs and peer through the eyepiece and at first it would be blurry and kind of black around the edges and I would think I couldn’t work it or that it was somehow broken. Or maybe a bat was sitting on top of the telescope and all I was seeing was bat butt—which distracted me because I’d crack up trying to say “bat butt” ten times fast in my head.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  Bat butt.

  “You know, Arty,” Dad would say, “they think if there’s life out there somewhere, the best bet would be on Mars. All those crevices you see indicate that there might once have been water on Mars, and if there was once, there could still be. Maybe frozen underground. And anywhere there is water, there’s potential for life.”

  I’d look harder and all at once the red planet would come into focus. I would try to see the life he talked about, hoping to find an ocean, maybe see a green blobby head pop out, get a wave from a friendly alien. Maybe the alien would even be wearing a big foam finger: Mars is #1! Mars is #1!

  Dad never came home from the observatory early. He liked to stay late, especially on clear summer nights. There was just too much to see.

  Which was why it was so surprising when one night my dad came home from work really early, sat down next to me at the kitchen island, threw away the remote control NASA space shuttle replica that had sat on his desk for as long as I could remember, turned to me, and said, “Sky is boogers.”

  I was about to remind him that it was impossible for the sky to be boogers, because scientists have pretty much identified exactly what ingredients the earth’s atmosphere is made of—nitrogen, oxygen, argon, carbon dioxide—and, as you can see, boogers is definitely not one of them, when Mom walked in.

  She kissed Dad on the top of his head. “You’re home early.”

  “They did it, Amy,” Dad said.

  “What?” I asked.

  Mom’s eyes went wide. “No.”

  Dad nodded.

  “What?” I asked again.

  “They couldn’t possibly …,” Mom said.

  “Couldn’t possibly what?” I asked.

  “Could and did,” Dad answered.

  “Did what?” I asked, a little louder this time. Though I had begun to suspect that they were ignoring me.

  Mom clapped her hand over her mouth. Dad rubbed the top of his bald head a few times, tugged the little clownish hair tufts over his ears till they stood straight out, then announced, “I need to lie down.”

  After he left, Mom stood completely still, as if she had totally forgotten I was even in the room.

  “What just happened?” I asked.

  Mom jumped. Then she recovered, smiled, and bent to dig through one of the lower cabinets.

  “Want some cookies?” she asked. “I’m going to make double-chocolate chip.”

  “Oh, no, Mom’s baking, what happened?” Vega had walked into the room, her hand permanently attached to her boyfriend, the Bacteria (real name: Mitchell). The Bacteria was kind of an idiot. I imagined the inside of his head to be filled with nothing but a bunch of one-syllable commands: Walk House Girl Hand Hold See Bro Wave Duuude.

  Although I have always suspected that Vega began hating things on the day she was born, and had only begun hating things with more intensity when she turned fifteen, it wasn’t until after she met the Bacteria that she really, really started hating everything in the world. Except him. Gross.

  “Something happened,” I said.

  “Well, of course something happened,” Vega said, rolling her eyes and sneering and doing all the things that made her charming and irresistible to someone like the Bacteria. “Mom’s baking. Mom always bakes when something happens.” There was a clang as Mom sorted through the cookie sheets.

  “Don’t worry,” I said. “She hasn’t gotten out the raisins yet. There’s nothing to worry about unless she gets out the—”

  Mom stood up, unloading an armful of ingredients onto the counter, blew the hair out of her eyes, and then, in slow motion, she turned, reached up, and pulled a bag out of the cabinet next to the stove.

  Vega gasped so hard her hand almost parted with the Bacteria’s hand. “Oh, no. Raisins,” she breathed.

  That’s how I found out that my dad lost his job.

  And, with it, I lost my only connection to life on Mars.

  2

  Brattius: The Snarling Sister Stars

  It’d been three weeks since Dad lost his job and so far Mom had made double-fudge brownies, monster cookies, two pineapple upside-down cakes with extra cherries, at least a thousand chocolate chip cookies, lemon bars, a bunch of pies, and a strawberry-chocolate parfait.

  All of them had raisins.

  Dad spent most of those three weeks wandering aimlessly through the house, munching on sweets, and pulling his hair so much it permanently stuck straight out. Every time someone mentioned anything astronomical in nature, he would get a crazy, bug-eyed look, yank a hair tuft, and disappear into his bedroom.

  The result? So far I’d spent my summer waiting for the sun to go down so I could sit on the eaves outside my bedroom window to squint at Mars through the crummy cardboard Mickey Mouse binoculars that Tripp had borrowed from his little brother Chase. And by “borrowed,” I mean Tripp sat on Chase’s head and threatened to go nebula on him until he said yes.

  I couldn’t see Mars through those things. All I saw was a faint reddish blur with Mickey Mouse ears on top of it. A drooling twelve-hundred-pound yeti could have been doing the hula on a Martian beach and I wouldn’t have been able to see it.

  But CICM was too important to get picky about things like binoculars.

  CICM had been my pet project since third-grade space camp, when we did a whole unit about life on other planets. CICM stood for Clandestine Interplanetary Communication Module, and the idea behind it was that if I could flash some sort of signal to Mars, and if I did it every night for long enough, eventually the hula-dancing yeti would get curious enough to flash back.

  So basically, after three years of constant, committed work, CICM consisted of an intricate and complex system of … well, basically a flashlight and some mirrors. And a magnifying glass, because magnifying glasses are awesome. Especially when Tripp duct-tapes one across his forehead so that it hangs over one eye and we play mutant giant-eyed monster tag.

  And after three years of dedication, still no flashing yeti.

  So I mostly spent my summer nights perched on the roof, trying to see Mickey Mouse Mars, readjusting mirrors, rhythmically pushing the power button on a flashlight, and, most importantly, trying to come up with a better name than CICM—something that would look cool on a T-shirt.

  So far I had:

  STAR: Stellar Thinktank About Rabid martians

  Except that I wasn’t interested only in rabid Martians. Actually, if I had a choice, I preferred nonrabid space creatures. And I was pretty positive that the word “Martians” had to be capitalized, making it STARM, which wasn’t, technically, a word at all.

  PLANET: People Looking At Neptune Every Thursday

  Except I had never looked at Neptune a day in my life, mostly because I didn’t know where it was, other than next to Uranus, but I dare you to look for something next to Uranus and ke
ep a straight face. It’s very distracting.

  MARS: Martians Are Real, Steve

  I’ve never known anyone named Steve.

  ASTRONOMY: A Secretive Test Run On … uhhh … way too long

  And then I had this great one—People Ogling Other Planets—but that spelled POOP, and even if I wanted to walk around in a shirt with POOP on it, no way would Mom let me wear it to the dinner table.

  So my mission remained CICM.

  Tonight the only thing standing between me and CICM was my sister Cassi.

  When Cassi was a baby, she was cute. She had little pointy elf ears and a wrinkled forehead and every time I stuck my finger in her hand, she grabbed it and squeezed, and she never got bored, no matter how many times I did it. But somewhere between birth and fourth grade, Cassi discovered three things: lip gloss, a loud cheerleading voice, and “being cool.”

  “Arty, it’s your dish night,” Mom said after dinner, before migrating into the living room to watch TV with Dad. I groaned. Mom had made double-layer raisin-fudge mint brownies. There were a thousand bowls in the sink.

  I turned my gaze over to Cassi and grinned. Her eyes bugged out. She shook her head.

  “No way,” she said. “I’ve got cheerleading practice tonight.”

  “You’ve got cheerleading practice every night.”

  “I’m not doing it. Brielle will be here any minute to pick me up.”

  “What was that? Sorry, I blanked for a minute. I was remembering how much fun we used to have at space camp together.”

  “No. Stop it! Vega, tell him to stop it.”

  Vega’s eyes barely flicked up from her cell phone, where she was busy texting the Bacteria. “Whatever.”

  “You don’t have to do the dishes, Cassi,” I said. “Cassi-ooo …”

  “No!” she cried! “Stop it! Don’t you dare say it, Arty!”

  “Cassi-ooo-peee …”

  “Cut it out! I don’t go by that name anymo—”

  “… peee-ahhh. Cassiopeia! Is that Brielle’s mom’s car I hear running outside? Don’t you think she would love to hear about the time you won the rocket-building contest, Cassiopeia? I’ll just run outside and tell her real quick.” I acted like I was going to get up.