Day of the Living Pizza
“Pizza!”
Alice could see that the man’s eyes were small and yellow... Ahh! She felt like she’d just woken from a dream. I don’t even like pizza that much, she thought, and started running back towards her house. She sped round the corner, without looking back.
“Pizza!” the voice grew fainter, though more desperate, in the background.
Alice raced on as fast as her legs could carry her.
“Alice, you look like you’ve seen a ghost! What’s wrong?” It was her friend, Barbara, the post office assistant. She must be on her break, thought Alice.
“There’s a strange man following me,” stammered Alice. “Please, don’t ask, just run...”
“But... but,” asked Barbara. “What’s wrong with your eyes?”
“Nothing,” mumbled Alice, turning her head. The strange-looking, walking Pepperoni Man appeared around the corner. “Run!”
Barbara followed Alice’s line of sight. “What... the...?”
Alice started sprinting towards her house. Barbara didn’t need a second to think. She ran after her friend as fast as her legs would go.
“Pizza!” yelled the thing behind them.
Barbara screamed as she ran. She couldn’t help it. She felt foolish, but the scream came anyway. Her mother had told her when she was a child to scream if she was in trouble. Someone would hear and come to help. Or even better, she said, shout “fire” as someone would be bound to come out. Her mother had also told her never to speak to strangers. Good advice. And advice that she still followed to this day. There was no way she was going to give Mr Pepperoni directions to the nearest pizza.
“Fire!” screamed Barbara, chasing Alice down the street.
A neighbour opened his door and looked out, scratching his head. “Are you alright girl?” he called. Then he clapped sight of a strange, stumbling man who resembled a Meaty Feast Pizza. He slammed the door shut, and bolted it. “Edna... Edna, love... phone the police!”
People opened their doors as Barbara screamed her way down the street. As soon as they saw Pepperoni Man, they gulped, shook their heads, ran back into their homes, and locked the doors.
At Crazy Name Town police station, the phones were going crazy.
“I’d like to report a man...”
“What kind of man sir?”
“A man... a man who looks like a pepperoni pizza... he’s naked and angry looking...”
“Yes,” replied the policewoman laughing. “Alright sir, please. Don’t call us unless you have an emergency. We don’t have time for fake calls.
“But...”
“Goodbye sir...”
After the tenth call about a Walking Pizza Dude, the policewoman decided to give Inspector Smarts a call. Before doing so, she sent two police officers round to Cheesy Terrace to find out what the problem was. She asked them to give whoever it was who was dressed up like a pizza a big warning not to take up valuable police time. She sighed to herself and realised she was a bit on the hungry side. Must be all this talk of food, she thought. Now where did she put that pizza delivery number?
Chapter 7
“W-what was it?” stammered Barbara, as Alice locked the door with two different keys and a bolt.
“I don’t know,” she replied, heading into the house. “I really need a cup of tea.”
“Tea? Tea? Is that all you can think about? There’s a madman out there who looks like something you’d eat with coleslaw and some chicken wings on the side!”
“I know,” said Alice. “That’s why I need some tea. Everything can be solved with a cup of tea. I need to sit down.”
“Are you in shock?” asked Barbara, suddenly concerned.
There was no reply.
Barbara sighed. “Can you make me a cuppa too? I think I need one too.”
Barbara had a strange feeling that there was someone behind her. Trembling, she turned, but there was no one there. She told herself not to be silly. Hearing the kettle boiling from the kitchen, she realised that she could really do with a nice warm cup of tea.
“Pizza!”
Barbara spun round. The shout came from outside in the street. She ran to the window by the door. A dark blue curtain covered it. Barbara crouched down and peered round the edge, but there was no gap. Her heart pumped in her chest, so hard that she thought it might pop. She reached her fingers out towards the edge of the curtain, stretching them towards the frayed edge of the material. Something in her throat closed. Barbara gulped. Slowly she pushed a finger behind the curtain and moved it aside.
The angry face was bright red. Yellow squinty eyes stared back at her. A big grin cut the face in two and the tomato nose shone brightly. White teeth glinted. And the mouth was dribbling.
“Ahhhhh!” Barbara heard the piercing scream before she even realised that it was herself screaming.
“Pizza!” came a yell from behind the door.
Barbara slipped backwards on the floor in fright. Staggering to her feet, she felt for the walls and lifted her body. She willed her feet to go forwards.
Chapter 8
“Detective Smarts?”
“Speaking...”
“It’s Gage. I work at the hospital. I’ve just examined the bodies of the two victims from the doctor’s surgery.”
The detective stopped his car. “Oh, hello, thanks for calling me back. What did you find?”
“I’ve never seen anything like it...”
“Oh?”
“All of the victims had fought off their attacker. The weird thing is that they all had pieces of pizza and pepperoni under their fingernails. They also had traces of tomato ...you know, the topping that you get on pizza... on their faces and their necks. We also found some traces of Italian pizza seasoning –oregano – mushrooms, green peppers and cheese... “
“Is this some kind of a joke?” demanded Detective Smarts.
“No joke, sir. And to be precise, the cheese is cheddar.”
“Thank you, Gage.”
“You’re welcome... “
Detective Smarts stared ahead. He didn’t start his car. What was going on? Did the two victims eat pizza in the surgery? Did the surgery have pizza there to snack on? But pizza wasn’t exactly the healthiest thing in life, so why would a doctor give it to his patients? Did he know something about the miraculous healing power of pizza? No, that couldn’t be. Surely? Or maybe there was someone selling pizza outside the surgery? That person could be a suspect. The detective was about to start up his car when his phone beeped. He had a voicemail message from the police station. What now?
Detective Smarts dialled the call-back number. “Hi, Deborah, did you ring me?”
The policewoman laughed. “Yes, we’ve had a lot of strange calls...”
“How strange?”
“Well, sir, I don’t know how to put this, but we’ve had reports of some weird man in Cheesy Terrace, walking around shouting ‘Pizza’...”
“Is that it?”
“No sir. We’ve had about 25 phone calls now, all saying that this man actually looks like a pizza. A pepperoni pizza to be precise...”
Detective Smarts gasped. “Did you say pepperoni?”
“Yes, pepperoni, mushroom and pepper pizza, sir... to be precise...”
Detective Smarts dropped his mobile into his lap and started up the car. There was no time to lose. He had to get to this Cheesy Terrace as soon as possible. He reversed into a small, red letterbox and then sped off down the road, crunching the gears as he went.
Chapter 9
Barbara ran into the kitchen. “Alice! The Pizza Thing is at the door!”
“I made tea,” announced her friend, calmly. She turned, holding out a mug of the warm stuff.
Barbara jumped backwards. “Alice! Your face! Your face!”
“I know I look a bit funny, Babs, but I’m still Alice. I made you tea!”
“But you look... you look... you look like Pepperoni Guy!” yelled Barbara, as a banging sound began on the front door. She
guessed that the thing was now trying to get in. But how would they get out? They? Her friend looked like a vegetarian pizza with a tomato for a nose!
“I don’t want to be rude, Alice... but you look like a pizza!”
“I’m sorry Barbara,” mumbled Alice, putting down the cup of tea. “I’m scared that I’m turning into the same as that thing outside.” A tear trickled down her cheek. “Maybe you should hide upstairs. I’m not scared of him! Here, take this and this, and this key, and go upstairs and lock yourself in my bedroom. There’s a window that leads to the garden if you need to jump...”
“Jump... but I’m scared of heights...”
“Go, Barbara. I don’t know how long I’ve got... I may be pizza in less time than I think...”
Barbara looked at Alice. She didn’t recognise her friend behind the pizza topping, but she still sounded the same. “Perhaps you won’t turn...”
“Goodbye, Barbara...”
“Bye, Alice,” she replied and then raced upstairs while Pizza Dude beat on the front door. “Pizza!” he screamed through the letterbox. Barbara wished she’d nailed it shut.
Alice sat down and began to sip her rather hot tea. There was still time, she thought.
Barbara locked the bedroom door and placed the pizza cutter that Alice had given her on the bed. She hoped that she wouldn’t have to use that. She gripped the other item – a rather heavy, wooden rolling pin – in her right hand. Barbara thought she would feel more comfortable using that item. She peered outside the window into the garden. It was a long way down. Oh my! She ducked before the three red, pizza-looking figures in the neighbouring garden spotted her at the window. It was an epidemic. A giant pizza epidemic!
Chapter 10
The two policemen parked their car and stepped on to the pavement. They checked their radios and batons.
“Number 13 was it?” asked Joe Mango.
“Yep,” said Bob Banana. “Unlucky for some, eh?”
Joe giggled as they crossed the street to number 13. “Now to find this naked bloke dressed up as a pizza!”
“What a weirdo!”
“Pizza! Pizza!” came a shout.
“What the...” spluttered Joe as a strange man with a bright red face, a tomato for a nose and what looked like onions for eyes, looked straight at them. He put his arms out in front of him and staggered away from the front door of the house.
“He looks exactly like...”
“A pepperoni pizza...”
“I think we need backup...”
“I’ll radio now...”
“I think we need to run... now!”
The two policemen sprinted to the car and jumped inside, slamming the doors.
“Lock!” shouted Joe. “Hi, Deborah, we need backup. Now! We’re in serious trouble!”
His colleague locked the doors and put his key into the ignition, but his fingers felt like bananas and they were shaking.
“Bob, can you hurry up and start the car... he’s getting closer!”
“My hands are like bananas!”
“No, that’s just your surname... oh no, he’s coming!”
Bob let out a small, unmanly scream as the car lurched into action. He put his foot on the accelerator and the car lunged off, making little bunny hops down the road.
“Step on it, man!” yelled Joe, glancing out the back window. The eerie Pizza Dude was running down the middle of the road behind them. His body was covered in pizza topping, pepperoni, mushrooms, peppers... and were those olives?
“I’m never eating pizza again,” mumbled Bob as they gathered speed.
“Pizza!” wailed the man behind them, staggering around, confused. “Pizza!”
Chapter 11
Detective Smarts guessed that he was only a few minutes away from Cheesy Terrace. His mobile rang. Thinking of safety, he pulled over and parked (rather crookedly, to be honest), before answering. He really wasn’t the best driver in the world. So far, no one had had the guts to tell him this.
“Detective Smarts...”
“Hello, detective. This is Gage again.”
“Hello... I’m in rather a hurry I’m afraid...”
“I have some important information...”
Detective Smarts perked up and pulled out his notepad. “Okay, fire away...”
“Well, we had a body brought in a small time ago and it was like nothing we’ve ever seen...”
“Did it look like a pizza?” asked the detective, deciding to get straight to the point as time was short.
“Errm... yes! How did you know?”
Smarts sighed. It was worse than he thought. There must be a new virus out there. He’d have to inform the Chief of Police. “Never mind... what’s the news?”
“The guy looked like a pizza. He was a Hawaiian...”
“Hawaiian what?”
“You know... ham and pineapple...”
“Okay...”
“Anyway, I spoke to his wife. She said that he always, always ordered chicken. She thought it was weird that he hadn’t ordered chicken this time. He’d eaten this pizza at the weekend and then he’d started having headaches. He couldn’t eat. He got a rash, which spread over his body... and then he started to look like a pizza.”
Detective Smarts shook his head. This was wasting his time. What did it matter what toppings the guy had ordered? He’d still turned into a giant, walking pizza! Who cared if he really wanted to look like a chicken pizza rather than a Hawaiian... Hang on! Smarts got smart. “Gage... are you saying that he ate a Hawaiian pizza and then turned into one?”
“I know it sounds crazy, but... yes, he did!”
“And the other victims all had traces of pepperoni, mushroom and peppers?”
“Yes...”
“Okay, bye!” He hung up, forgetting to say thanks, and dialled Dewdrop.
“Dewdrop! It’s Smarts here. Do me a favour and ring Gage, the biologist doctor bloke at the hospital. He has a new victim. I want you to find out where he ordered his pizza from. His wife may know. Then I want you to check if there are any more victims who... well... look like pizzas...”
The phone went silent for a minute. “Is this a joke, sir?”
“No, I’m deadly serious, Dewdrop. I’m going to number 13, Cheesy Terrace right now, where there has been a sighting of a Living Pizza. Yes, you heard me right. A Living Pizza. Now find me that pizza-delivery company and send me backup. Now!”
“Yes, sir!”
Detective Smarts adjusted his mirror, reversed into a rather large parking sign, and sped off in the direction of Cheesy Terrace. Sure enough, it took about five minutes. On the way, a police car rushed past him with its lights flashing. He thought he recognised Bob Banana. The man looked terrified.
Chapter 12
Smarts parked, checked his gun, and walked up to number 13. The street was quiet. As he walked, he noticed a few curtains being jiggled in the windows of the houses. Where was backup? He had expected police cars here already. He texted Deborah on his mobile rather than ringing as he wanted to be as quiet as possible. As quiet as a mouse. As quiet as...
“Pizza!”
Smarts spun round. “What in the world was that?”
That must be my man, he reasoned, staring at the Living Pizza that was now staggering down the road towards him. The red man with a tomato nose, covered in cheese, pepperoni and what looked like green peppers (though he might be mistaken) had his hands outstretched in front of him. He walked really funny. But, Smarts suspected that if he too turned into a pizza, he might walk a bit funny too!
“Pizza!”
Well, I can’t listen to that all day, thought Smarts and he knocked on number 13. After a few seconds, the letterbox opened and a pair of yellowish eyes stared out. She must have flu, thought Smarts. Everyone seemed to have flu at the moment.
“Police! Please let me in!” he yelled.
The door opened and Smarts leapt in. “Thanks,” he said. “I received a message that you were in danger here, Miss
... Miss... Miss... Oh dear!”
“Pizza?” asked Alice, looking up at him with a bright red face full of mushrooms and peppers and were those olives?
“Pizza!” came a cry from outside in the street. The detective was surrounded.
With a gulp, Smarts leapt up the stairs two at a time, not really knowing what he was going to do next. He’d never been surrounded by giant pizzas before with arms and legs, which could talk, although, yes, their grasp of the language was a bit limited. This wasn’t something you were trained for at police school. He sprinted to the first door. He worked the handle. There was a lock! And it was locked! What bad luck!
“Police!” he called.
“Pizza!” cried a female voice, which was moving slowly up the stairs.
“How do I know you’re the police?” asked another female voice from behind the locked door.
“I have a badge...”
“But I can’t see it...”
“That’s because the door is locked...”
“But you might be one of the Pizza People...”
“I can say a whole sentence whereas they can only say pizza...”
“You have a point,” replied the girl.
“Please! It’s coming up the stairs...”
“That’s Alice... she has a name you know...”
“Well, now Pizza Alice is coming...”
“Pizza!” yelled Alice, as if on cue.
“Please... just open the door!”
There was a rustle and a fumbling, and then the door opened. Smarts lunged through the gap. Barbara quickly slammed the door and locked it.
“You took your time!” said Barbara, crossly. “I rang ages ago.”
Smarts gulped for air. It was a minute before he could speak. “How long have you been in here?”
“I don’t know... seems like an hour... or maybe half an hour...”
“You can put that rolling pin down if you like,” said Smarts, a bit wary.
“It makes me feel safer, if you don’t mind,” replied Barbara. “Are there more police coming?”
“They’re on their way,” said Smarts.
The door handle rattled and rattled.
“She can’t get in,” said Barbara. “She’s tried this before and then she goes back downstairs. She can’t work it out.”