Fire Inside

  Okay, High had never been a favorite. I liked him but, I had to admit, him being surly and all, he wasn’t a favorite. Even if his words made me feel guilt, they also now made him a favorite.

  “Lanie’s workin’ through some shit,” Hop responded vaguely.

  “Help her work through it faster,” High shot back and I heard a door close.

  I gave it a moment before I opened the door and took one step out. I limited it to one when I saw the look on Hop’s face.

  “Now my brothers are bustin’ their asses to cover our shit, and you race to the bathroom like you’re fifteen, we’re in your bedroom, I just popped your cherry, and your dad’s at the door. Babe, I get you got issues but on top of all our other shit, we gotta spend some time sortin’ those out.”

  This was an unfortunate opening, mostly because it ticked me off.

  “Are you saying it’s more important to talk about that right now rather than our earlier conversation?” I asked.

  “I’m sayin’ we got a lot to work through and your other shit bein’ in the way is not gonna make this current shit any easier.”

  I held his eyes for long moments before I queried carefully, “Did you honestly think I’d be down with all that?”

  “No, because I wasn’t down with it,” he answered. “What I honestly thought was that you know me. I’m no different now that you know my history than the man you made love with an hour ago, babe. I wasn’t hankerin’ for the time I shared that history with you but I honestly thought, you bein’ Cherry’s girl, Cherry knowin’ about all this shit, Cherry gettin’ it, you would get that that man was never me. That man was the man he had to be to get this Club to the point it could be a family that would cushion a woman’s fall.”

  A blow and a dirty one.

  “That’s not fair,” I said quietly.

  “It’s not only fair, it’s real and you know it,” he returned. “My brothers fought, bled and died for you to have this family, lady. You can’t get in my face weeks ago about bein’ nonjudgmental and then stand here in my room and my tee and force your judgment on me. Even if that shit was me and I found redemption, it’s not anymore and, you’re the woman I thought you were, you’d be down with that but, like I’ve explained, it never fuckin’ was.”

  It stunk but he had a point.

  “Since we’re letting it all hang out,” I started to suggest, “perhaps we should revisit Benito.”

  “Said all I’m gonna say about that motherfucker,” Hop replied.

  “Is that old life over?” I asked.

  “Told you it was,” he answered.

  “Then who’s Benito?”

  “Scum that wants a slice of Chaos territory. Problem with that, he eats that slice, he’ll want more. So you hold him back.”

  “And how do you do that?”

  “For you, babe, I said more about that motherfucker but now I’ve said all I’m gonna say.”

  Again, we stood there staring at each other in silence until I broke it.

  “I need time to process all I learned today.”

  “You got two seconds,” he returned instantly. “You take more than two seconds to walk your ass over here and put your arms around me, accepting me for who I am despite what I used to do, we got problems.”

  Oh God.

  “What kind of problems?”

  “The kind of problems that come from me knowin’ you lied. Me knowin’ you judge. And I don’t want that shit in my life or around my kids.”

  Was he crazy?

  “Hop!” I snapped. “You just told me you were an enforcer and Chaos dealt drugs and prostituted women.”

  “Never said Chaos dealt drugs,” he shot back.

  “Were drugs involved in your operations?” I retorted.

  “Yes,” he clipped.

  I leaned toward him. “Then we’re arguing about me saying tomatoes and you saying toe-mah-toes.”

  “No, babe, we’re arguing about me laying the honesty on you, letting it all hang out, somethin’ you missed wasn’t real easy to do just as it wasn’t real easy to do the shit I used to do and I told you that too, and you passing judgment on me.”

  “I just asked for time,” I reminded him.

  “And I just told you, if you know what we got between us is real and you’re in it all the way with me, you don’t need that time.”

  “I’m a fledgling old lady, Hopper. Give me a break,” I returned.

  “You won’t be an old lady, Lanie, if you don’t give me one.”

  My mouth dropped open.

  That was it, my breaking point. I’d had enough and honestly, who could blame me.

  I mean, really?

  To communicate this, I shouted, “Fuck you!” and stomped to my clothes.

  “Lanie—” Hop started.

  “No, oh no!” I yelled, yanking on my jeans. “You do not get to throw my words in my face and then threaten to take away,” I jerked to standing and jabbed a finger at him, “you, which is the same exact fucking thing you lost it about when I did it.”

  I went right back to dressing and was stalled in this effort when Hop gently pulled on my arm. I not-gently yanked it out of his grip and kept dressing.

  “It wasn’t easy sharing that,” he stated, his voice more calm.

  I sat on the bed to pull on my boots but cut my eyes to him. “And it wasn’t easy having my man lie on top of me and share it, having no fucking idea,” I shouted the last word, “he had that in his history. It wasn’t easy learning it. And you wanna know something, Hopper Kincaid?” I asked as I stood and snatched my purse from the bed where Hop obviously tossed it after High gave it to him.

  I paused but not long enough for him to answer.

  I gave it to him.

  “It wasn’t easy to learn that a man, my man, the man I thought was a good man, doesn’t have it in him to understand I need,” I lifted up a hand, thumb and finger half an inch apart, “a wee bit of time to come to terms with some significant information about his past before we move on. That was the worst. So, newsflash, Hopper. Your old lady would have come to terms with it. But you not giving the woman who wants to be your old lady the opportunity to come to terms with it and prove her salt as an old lady means you aren’t going to have an old lady.”

  And on that, I rushed to the chair, snatched up my jacket and stormed out.

  Unfortunately, Hop was on my heels.

  Equally unfortunately, Shy was in the back hallway looking at us in a way that I knew he didn’t miss me shouting. But, I noted with distracted surprise, even in the morning (or maybe especially in the morning), Shy was not with a girl. This was a surprise since it seemed he was always with a girl. He was young, he was hot, he was a badass and he used all that, frequently, to get laid. In fact, he was known for it and nicknamed “Shy” as a joke since he absolutely was not shy.

  Even though these thoughts came to me, I ignored them and Shy.

  “Lanie, goddamn it, slow down,” Hop growled.

  “Fuck off,” I shot back, came to a halt in the common room and looked at High, who was behind the bar. “My car?”

  “Block north, turn right, two blocks up,” High answered, his eyeballs shooting from Hop to me.

  “Thank you. I’d kiss you if I wasn’t so ticked off so you’ll have to take a rain check,” I told him.

  “Lookin’ forward to that,” High told me.

  “Fuckin’ shit,” Hop snarled from behind me and I whirled on him.

  “Have a good life, Hopper Kincaid,” I hissed then turned on my boot and dashed out.

  I got halfway through the forecourt when I was swung around with a firm grip on my arm. I stopped by crashing into Hop’s body, whereupon both his arms clamped around me.

  “You get this drama, babe, you got until the end of Tack’s meeting to burn it out, but mark this, Lanie. After that meeting, I don’t give a fuck if you’re strapped into a rocket to go to the goddamned moon, I’m findin’ you, we’re sortin’ this shit out and we’re movin’ on,??
? he warned.

  “I just made a mental note to find a plastic surgeon who does emergency face alterations so you won’t know who to look for,” I shot back.

  “Jesus, I’m pissed as all fuck and still she’s cute,” he groused like he wasn’t talking to me but actually complaining to the Son of God.

  “Jesus works on Sunday, Hop. You want a direct line, time to haul your biker ass to church,” I shared.

  “You want me to let you go so you can burn this out, you better stop bein’ cute, lady. You keep bein’ cute, I’ll kiss you in the goddamn forecourt and I won’t give a fuck who sees.”

  I snapped my mouth shut.

  “That’s what I thought,” he muttered.

  “Are you going to let me go so I can burn this out?” I prompted.

  “You gonna hide from me?” he asked.

  “I haven’t decided,” I returned.

  “This may help you make your decision. You hide, Lanie, you waste my time havin’ to look for you, you’ll be providing payback for that time. I’ll get payback and, in the end, you’ll like it, I promise you, but before that, I’ll make you beg to give it to me and you beggin’, baby, is gonna last a long fuckin’ time.”

  Oh my God.

  How could I be that angry and still have a mini-orgasm in the forecourt of a garage?

  “You aren’t letting me go,” I pointed out.

  “You gonna be at your house when this meet’s done?”

  I glared at him then bit off, “Yes.”

  His eyes dropped to my mouth and he murmured, “Fuck, I wanna kiss you.”

  Another mini-orgasm.

  God, he was killing me.

  “Hop—”

  His eyes came back to mine. “You mean the world to me, Lanie. No one but my brothers knows the shit I did for the Club. No one. I didn’t trust a goddamn soul with that and that includes Mitzi. I trusted you because I care about you and I wanted you to have that part of me because I want you to have all of me. So while you’re burnin’ out your drama, think about that and also think about the fact that I feel it like a fuckin’ knife in my gut right now havin’ to let you go and walk away without bein’ free to take your mouth to say good-bye.”

  I stopped breathing.

  Hop let me go.

  “Think about all that, baby,” he said gently and finished, “I’ll be at your place in a couple of hours.”

  Then he walked away and I watched him go.

  He disappeared behind the door to the Compound and it took a while before I remembered where I was and that I had to get out of there.

  So I turned and walked fast to my car.

  * * *

  Three hours later…

  I was working in the kitchen when I heard the Harley pipes.

  They stopped behind my house.

  I washed my hands to clean off the dough for the homemade rolls I was making but stood behind the island and faced the sliding glass doors.

  Hop’s eyes locked on me when he was in the courtyard and he didn’t tear them away as he walked in and slid the door closed.

  When he came to a stop and crossed his arms on his chest, I was the first one to speak.

  “You mean the world to me, too.”

  The room infused instantly with sheer beauty.

  “Get over here,” he growled.

  I felt those three words in three very good places but I didn’t move.

  “I’m dramatic,” I reminded him.

  “Get over here, Lanie.”

  “I go over the top.”

  “Over. Here.”

  “I create scenes.”

  “Lanie. Now.”

  “You have to get used to that. It’s part of who I am.”

  Hop didn’t speak.

  “I don’t like that you did what you did but I do like that you’re a man who’d fight for what he believes in in order to make it real.”

  His eyes closed and his head dropped as his arms uncrossed and he rested his hands on his hips.

  “Honey,” I called and his head came up. “You have a monster too.”

  “I did. My woman just slayed it.”

  It was my turn to close my eyes and drop my head because that felt so good, I couldn’t let anything in but the feeling.

  “Lady,” he called and I lifted my head.

  “I’m worried about Benito,” I announced.

  “I know you are,” he replied.

  “We disagree with how to deal with that.”

  “Give it time, babe, you’ll trust me, understand my brand of protection, and that will not be an issue.”

  We both fell silent.

  Then I gave in, “Okay.”

  I watched how my capitulation affected him as he let the emotions wash over his face. Softness, warmth, then the darkness of passion.

  He stopped at the passion and ordered, “Now get over here.”

  “Are you going to give me a rug burn?” I asked.

  “No. But you’re gonna become acquainted with the seat of your couch and not because your ass is gonna be in it but because your face is gonna be in it. Your ass is gonna be over the back of it which is how you’re gonna take me.”

  Another mini-orgasm.

  “I think you just gave me a mini-orgasm,” I shared.

  “If you get your ass over here, I’ll give you one that is not mini.”

  Oh wow.

  There it was again.

  “That’s four,” I admitted then stupidly went on. “I had two in the forecourt, FYI.”

  “Lanie, you bein’ cute is only makin’ me want to fuck you harder.”

  “Is that bad?”

  Hop lost patience.

  “Lady. Get. Over. Here.”

  I got over there.

  The minute I was in reaching distance, Hop crushed me in his arms and slammed his mouth down on mine.

  Not long after, I got acquainted with the seat of my couch in a way I never expected I would.

  It was fabulous.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Perfect

  One week, two days later…

  I had my head in the fridge, trying to figure out what to have for dinner and thinking maybe we should do takeout, when I heard the sliding glass door open.

  “Hey honey, you want a beer?” I asked as I heard the door slide shut.

  “Bourbon,” Hop answered.

  I pulled my head out of the fridge and turned to him to see he had a face like thunder. He was also opening the doors over my pantry where I kept my hard liquor.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, moving to the island.

  Hop uncapped my Jack Daniels then threw back a healthy slug straight from the bottle.

  I made a mental note to buy another for company and leave that one all to Hop.

  He dropped the bottle and sliced his eyes to me. “Get this shit, Shy is doin’ Tabby.”

  My mouth dropped open, my heart swelled, and the look on his face was the only thing stopping me from doing a girlie jump in the air, arms overhead, shouting, “Hurrah!”

  Tabitha Allen was Tack’s only daughter. She was in her early twenties but when she was in her teens, she had a screaming crush on Shy.

  I had no idea why Hop looked like he wanted to kill someone but maybe he didn’t know that Tab used to have a huge crush on Shy. Regardless, I thought it was cool. This meant she was healing from her loss. She had sunk so deep in her grief, we all feared for a while that she would drown in it. But she’d come back to her old self.

  I wondered if Shy had anything to do with that and I hoped he did.

  “Uh, is it Shy you want to kill and if so, why?” I asked and Hop just scowled at me so I gave him another option. “Or are you generally just pissed at the world because you had a bad day?”

  “Did you hear me?” he asked.

  “Yes, you said Shy and Tabby have gotten together.”

  “Shy is Shy, babe. That means he’s doin’ her.”

  “Well, yes, she’s past the age of consent and Shy is
Shy. He’s hot and maybe it’s good she’s getting some.”

  “From a brother?” he spat with disgust.

  I decided to try silence for a bit to see if he’d share more so I’d know what the big deal was.

  This didn’t work when Hop stopped talking and slugged back more Jack.

  When he again dropped the bottle, I told him, “Hop, this is one of those times you need to remember your old lady is a fledgling old lady and you need to explain.”

  “She’s Tack’s daughter,” he reminded me of something I knew.

  I nodded.

  “Off-limits, babe,” he declared.

  “Well—”

  “And he knows it.”

  I moved to him, got close and lifted a hand to rest it on his chest before I said, “The heart sometimes doesn’t care about limits.”

  Something in his eyes changed and I knew him well enough to know that change didn’t bode well for me.

  This knowledge was confirmed when he stated, “They been at it a while, better at hidin’ it than you and me which, FYI, Shy knows about us. High you already knew, Hound was in the kitchen when we had our go ’round and Hound’s got a big fuckin’ mouth so Boz, Tug, Brick, Dog, Snapper, and Bat also know.”

  Oh dear.

  “And Big Petey took me aside and counseled me,” Hop went on. “No one told him jack but the old man’s got nothin’ to do but hang around and observe. Not much is lost on him.”

  “Who does that leave?” I asked, not having a good feeling about this.

  “Arlo, Roscoe, Speck… and Tack.”

  He was making a point. I just didn’t feel like taking his point so I changed the subject. “Are you done slugging bourbon? Do you want a beer?”

  He lifted a hand to curl it around the side of my neck. “Babe, Shy and Tab kept that shit from Tack and he’s seriously fuckin’ pissed. He’s got reason and, I’ll admit, it’s different, what we’re doin’, but not by much. Tab’s his daughter. Shy knows better but they lied. They hid. Tack wants him out.”

  My lungs convulsed. “Seriously?”

  “He says he loves her but this is Shy, and she’s fuckin’ Tabby.”

  I stared at him, my lungs easing and my heart swelling.

  “He says he loves her?”

  “Babe, this is not Cinderella and Prince Charming.”