The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
LETTER LXII.
CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK RACE.
WASHINGTON, D. C., August 15th, 1862.
Once more, my boy, this affectionate heart would render tribute ofgushing admiration to the large souled women of America, who are againcommencing to luxuriate and comfort our majestic troops with giftsalmost as useful to a soldier as a fishing-pole would be to thehilarious Arab of Sahara. As I ambled airily near Fort Corcoran onMonday, my boy, mounted on my gothic steed Pegasus, and followed by thefrescoed dog Bologna, after the manner of the British nobility, Ichanced upon a veteran of the Mackerel Brigade, who had come up fromParis on one of those leaves of absence which grow from the tree styledSycamore. He was seated under a wayside oak, examining some articlesthat had recently come to him in a package; now and then addressing hiseyes in the more earnest language of the Sixth Ward.
Having reined-in my spirited architectural animal, and merely pausingto administer a crumb of cracker from my pocket to a haplessblue-bottle fly which had rashly alighted from the backbone of thecharger, and was there starving to death, I saluted the Mackerelveteran, and, says I:
"Comrade, wherefore do you select this solitary place to use languageonly fitting a brigadier when he is speaking to an inferior officer, ora high-toned conservative when referring to negroes, Wendell Phillips,and the republican party?"
The veteran Mackerel sighed deeply, as he spread open the package tofull view, my boy, and says he, respectfully:
"Are you a married man, my cove?"
"No," says I, with a feeling of mingled insignificance and financialcomplacency, "I never paid a milliner's bill in my life."
"Neither did I," said the veteran, with a gleam of satisfaction,"neither did I; I always has them charged to me; but still I am thewedded pardner of one which is a woman. I have loved her," says theveteran passionately, "I have loved her better than I loved numberThree's masheen, with which I was brought up, and that seemed to melike my own brother. I have stayed home from a fire more than once togo to church with her; and the last words I said to her when I comehere was: 'Old woman! if Six's foreman comes here after that wrench,while I'm away, tell him I'll break that nose of his when I come back!'We was all confidence together," says the veteran, smiting his chest,madly; "and I never threw a brick that I didn't tell her of it, and nowshe's gone and sent me a copy of the Temperance Pledge, a pair ofskates, two bottles of toothache drops, and six sheets of patentfly-paper. I really believe," says the veteran, bitterly--"I reallybelieve that she thinks I ain't got nothing to do here but to keephouse and take care of an aged grandmother."
At the conclusion of this unnatural speech, my boy, I hastily trottedaway upon my architectural steed; for I had not patience enough to talklonger with one whose whole nature seemed so utterly incapable ofappreciating those beautiful little attentions which woman's tenderheart induces her to bestow upon the beloved object. Since the lasttime I was sick, my boy, I have entertained a positive veneration forthe wonderful foresight of that blessed sex, whose eyes remind me ofpearl buttons. At that period, when the doctors had given me up, andnothing but their absence seemed capable of saving my life, one of theprevalent women of America heard of my critical condition, and, by herdeep knowledge of human nature, was enabled to rescue me. She sent me abottle of stuff, my boy, saying, in a note of venerable tone, that ithad cured her of chapped hands several times, and she hoped it mightbreak my fever. With a thankful, confident heart, I threw the bottleout of the window, my boy, and got well in less than three months.
The other day, I went down to Accomac again, to see the General of theMackerel Brigade, who had invited me to be present while he made anoffer of bliss to a delegation from that oppressed race which has beenthe sole cause of this unnatural war, and is, therefore, exempted fromall concern in it.
The General, my boy, was seated in his temporary room of audience whenI arrived, examining a map of the Border States through a powerfulmagnifying-glass, and occasionally looking into a tumbler, as though heexpected to find something there.
"Well, old Honesty," says I, affably, "what is our next scheme for thebenefit of the human race?"
He smiled paternally upon me, and says he:
"It is my purpose to settle the Negro Question in accordance with theprinciples laid down in the Book of Exodus. Thunder!" says the General,with magisterial emphasis, "if we do not secure the pursuit ofhappiness to the slave, even, we violate the Constitution and becomeobnoxious to the Border communities."
I was reflecting upon this remark, my boy, and wondering what theConstitution had to do with the Book of Exodus, when the delegationmade its appearance, and caused the room to darken perceptibly. Not tolose time, the General waved his hand for the visitors to be seated,and, says he:
"You and we are different races, and for this reason it must be evidentto you, as well as to myself, that it is better you should bevoluntarily compelled to colonize some distant but salubrious shore.There is a wide difference between our races; much wider, perhaps, thanthat which exists between any other two races. Your race suffers verygreatly, and our race suffers in suffering your race to suffer. In aword, we both suffer, which establishes a reason why our race shouldnot suffer your race to remain here any longer. You who are here areall present, I suppose."
A voice--"Yes, sah."
"Perhaps you have not been here all your lives. Your race is sufferingthe greatest wrong that ever was; but when you cease to suffer, yoursufferings are still far from an equality with our sufferings. Ourwhite men are now changing their base of operations daily, and oftentaking Malvern Hills. This is on your account. You are the cause of it.How you have caused it I will not attempt to explain, for I do notknow; but it is better for us both to be separated, and it is vilelyselfish in you (I do not speak unkindly) to wish to remain here inpreference to going to Nova Zembla. The fact that we have alwaysoppressed you renders you still more blameable, especially when wereflect upon the fact that you have never shown resistance. A trip onyour part to Nova Zembla will benefit both races. I cannot promise youmuch bliss right away. You may starve at first, or die on the passage;but in the Revolutionary War General Washington lived exclusively onthe future. He was benefitting his race; and though I do not see muchsimilarity between his case and yours, you had better go to NovaZembla. You may think that you could live in Washington, perhaps moreso than you could on a foreign shore. This is a mistake. None but whitearmy contractors and brigadiers on furlough can live here.
"The festive isle of Nova Zembla has been in existence for some time,and is larger than any smaller place I know of. Many of the originalsettlers have died, and their offspring would still be living had theylived long enough to become accustomed to the climate. You may objectto go on account of your affection for our race, but it does not strikeme that there is any cogent reasons for such affection. So you hadbetter go to Nova Zembla. The particular place I have in view for yourcolonization is the great highway between the North Pole and Sir JohnFranklin's supposed grave. It is a popular route of travel, being muchfrequented by the facetious penguin and the flowing seal. It has greatresources for ice-water, and you will be able to have ice cream everyday, provided you supply yourselves with the essence of lemon andpatent freezers. As to other food, I can promise you nothing. There arefine harbors on all sides of this place, and though you may see noships there, it will be still some satisfaction to know that you havesuch admirable harbors. Again, there is evidence of very richbear-hunting. When you take your wives and families to a place wherethere is no food, nor any ground to be cultivated, nor any place tolive in, then the human mind would as naturally turn to bear-hunting asto anything else. But if you should die of starvation at the outset,even bear-hunting may dwindle into insignificance. Why I attach so muchimportance to bear-huntin
g is, it will afford you an opportunity to diemore easily than by famine and exposure. Bear-hunting is the best thingI know of under such circumstances.
"You are intelligent, and know that human life depends as much uponthose who possess it as upon anybody else. And much will depend uponyourselves if you go to Nova Zembla. As to the bear-hunting, I think Isee the means available for engaging you in that very soon withoutinjury to ourselves. I wish to spend a little money to get you there,and may possibly lose it all; but we cannot expect to succeed inanything if we are not successful in it.
"The political affairs of Nova Zembla are not in quite such a conditionas I could wish, the bears having occasional fights there, over thebody of the last Esquimaux governor; but these bears are more generousthan we are. They have no objection to dining upon the colored race.
"Besides, I would endeavor to have you made equals, and have the bestassurance that you should be equals of the best. The practical thing Iwant to ascertain is, whether I can get a certain number of able-bodiedmen to send to a place offering such encouragement and attractions.Could I get a hundred tolerably intelligent men, with their wives andchildren, to partake of all this bliss? Can I have fifty? If I hadtwenty-five able-bodied men, properly seasoned with women and children,I could make a commencement.
"These are subjects of very great importance, and worthy of a month'sstudy of the paternal offer I have made you. If you have noconsideration for yourselves, at least consider the bears, and endeavorto reconcile yourselves to the beautiful and pleasing little hymn ofchildhood, commencing:
"I would not live always; I ask not to stay."
At the termination of this flattering and paternal address, my boy, thedelegation took their hats and commenced to leave in very deep silence;thereby proving that persons of African descent are utterly insensibleof kindness and much inferior to the race at present practisingstrategy on this continent.
Colonization, my boy, involves a scheme of human happiness so entirelybeyond the human power of conception, that the conception of it willalmost pass for something inhuman.
Yours, utopianically, ORPHEUS C. KERR.