The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
LETTER LXX.
COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY.
WASHINGTON, D. C., September 20, 1862.
I am in a star-spangled state of mind, my boy, in consequence of ourrecent great victories, and would most respectfully request theGovernors of all the States to push forward re enforcementsimmediately. Having rashly ventured into Accomac after forage and thepursuit of happiness, the well-known Southern Confederacy is nowhemmed-in with much carnage, and finds itself hem'd and haw'd. TheSouth, the South, we love her still, no love than ours profounder; and,having cornered her at last, we've thrown our arms around her.
Let us rejoice together, my boy, over the victory that has brought newlustre to our flag, and proceed to extract from history a few parallelscalculated to indicate that the United States of America are somewhatsuperior to the ancients in the art of war.
At the battle of Thermopylae the heroic Greeks engaged in the conflictwith their foes to the number of some thousands, and as their foes alsoprosecuted hostilities simultaneously, the result was a struggleterminating in the discomfiture of the defeated party. _Omnium vincitomnia._ At the siege of Troy, the Trojans became involved in activewarfare with the Greeks, the latter being the adversaries of theiropponents, and though either side used their weapons against the otherside, victory finally perched upon the banners of the conqueror, andproduced the general effect of _sic transit gloria mundi_. The Troy_Tribune_ suppressed all mention of McClellan in its account of thisspirited affair. The dreadful struggle of Argentium was commenced bythe attack of one host upon its antagonists, and raged bitterly, untila cessation of hostilities found the victors holding an advantage overthe defeated. Burnside's division was not engaged. In the awful affairof Roncesvalles, the myrmidons of Charlemagne and the hirelings ofSpain committed a breach of the peace by prosecuting a mutual affray,resulting in the overthrow of the legions which were principallyovercome, and an advantage for the brigades chiefly entitled to thevictory. _Nihil est nullus._
It will be perceived, my boy, that the army of the Potomac was engagedin none of those celebrated contests, as they did not all take place inthe same week. We make much better time, my boy, than the ancients.
I told you in my last, that the celebrated Southern Confederacy hadcourted inevitable destruction by marching madly into Accomac at thevery moment when the victorious Mackerel Brigade was marching out--andbefore I proceed further with the tale of invasion, I must pause torelate the strange episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.
Spurioso Grimaldi, my boy, superintended the emigration from Italy tothis country of a hand-organ that was banished for playingrevolutionary tunes some time ago, and on arriving upon our shoresproceeded immediately to don a red shirt, and plan revolutions for thecoming fall and winter seasons. Upon the breaking out of the war heenlisted three volunteers under his banner from the chorus of theAcademy of Music; but it was not until the recent occupation of Accomacthat he attempted to put his first revolutionary scheme into operation.Then, indeed, he armed his three divisions with three George Lawmuskets, and having gained the borders of suffering Accomac, he issuedthe following:
PROCLAMATION.
Accomackians! How are you to day? This is, indeed, a pleasant morning,and the crops look well. Accomackians, arise! For years you have beenthe terror of all strangers stopping at your hotels. The accommodationsyou offer, taken into consideration with the prices you charge, aresufficient to appal the world! Arise! Remember Waterloo, and Wagram,and Bull Run, and other battles in which you took no active part. Now!Right away! Hey?
GRIMALDI.
As the Union element still lives in Accomac, my boy, and wishes nothingdone to disturb the neighborhood, he could not but deem Mr. Grimaldi'smovement ill advised, and issued the following responsive
PROCLAMATION.
S. Grimaldi, at the head of an army of three equipped and disciplinedtroops, calls the Accomackians to arms. This is scarcely the time forsuch a call, and the army of liberation is scarcely adequate to theenterprise proposed. Some disaster might occur should an army of threeequipped and disciplined troops attack a force of twenty thousand,under Stonewall Jackson, at this present crisis. Therefore, let Accomacrest in peace, and continue to keep a hotel.
UNION L. LAMENT.
These proceedings caused great excitement down at Paris and London, myboy, and the excellent and independent journals of those placesproceeded at once to publish several yards of profound editorial on theprobable convulsion of the earth's surface, in consequence of S.Grimaldi's revolutionary proceedings.
"The entire habitable universe," said the Paris _Pitcher_, "appears onthe verge of terrible upheavings, and the army of S. Grimaldi seemsdestined to work an entire change in the economy of the creation, andoblige the North and South Poles to change places permanently."
Not to be outdone, the London _Tumbler_ issued an extra, composedentirely of auction advertisements and an excited editorial: "The blackcloud so long brooding over the shrinking countenance of upturnednature seems at length prepared to vomit its horrid flames over theentire surface of animated humanity. S. Grimaldi, who is now marchingon Accomac, is not unlikely to prove the instrument of thisearth-rending explosion. The unholy American rebellion dwindles toinsignificant nothingness in comparison with this terrible affair."
So Grimaldi marshaled his three divisions, my boy, and having marchedupon Accomac, was promptly arrested by the police and incarcerated toawait an examination. So much for the episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.
Turning from events which have a deeper interest for Europe than forour own victorious but distracted country, let me cheer and improveyour mind, my boy, with some account of the recent glorious victoriesaround Accomac, wherein the fearless and unwounded Mackerel Brigadeacquired another coat of glory, making the third this season.
It was Tuesday morn, when Captain Samyule Sa-mith of the advance guard,having satisfied himself that the Brigade was about to achieve itscrowning victory, concluded that the time for expiring after the mannerof General Wolfe at Quebec had arrived at last. The battle had alreadycommenced, my boy, and a squad of evil-minded Confederacies were infull retreat after the Mackerel pickets, when Samyule hastily fell uponhis back, and beckoned for the artist of Frank Leslie's Illustratedpaper, motioned for the nearest reporter to take out his note-book,drew a lock of red hair from his bosom and kissed it, waved his lefthand feebly toward his country's standard, and, says he: "_Teted'Armee!_ I die for the old fla--"
"Stop!" shrieked a Mackerel, dashing frantically to his side at thisinstant. "The Anatomical Cavalry, which is ordered to charge the foe,wishes to know if it shall take its horses along."
Up sprang Samyule, and says he:
"Tell the horsemen to take everything but their trunks with them, andnot to stay more than a week. I really believe," says Samyule in agreat passion--"I really believe the artillery will be wanting to knownext if they'd better load before firing."
Just at this time, my boy, the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade,under Captain Villiam Brown, came charging toward the spot with fixedbayonets, their gallant leader waving his sword, Escalibar, over hishead, and calling on his troops to lead on to victory. Forward theywent like mad, rushing past us in swift fury, and composing theheaviest visitation of red noses ever yet launched upon a foe. To besure, no foe was visible in the immediate line of their charge; but asthey happened to be going down a pretty steep hill at the time, it wasquite possible that they might meet some adversaries before they couldstop themselves.
Fired by the sight, Captain Samyule Sa-mith flew to take command of acompany of Mackerels, who were busily firing their muskets at someConfederacies not more than two
miles distant; and having placedhimself at the head thereof, was about to proceed in pursuit of warlikeadventures, when he caught sight of a body of men, followed by anotherbody of men, moving along in the valley below him.
"Hem!" says Samyule, ponderingly, "what is this sight mine eyes behold?"
"Oh," says a sergeant beside him, "that's the No. 3 army of theConfederacy, escorting some prisoners which they have just taken atHarper's Ferry."
Samyule regarded the spectacle attentively for a moment, and says he:"Well, there's only one thing more I want to know about it. I want toknow," says Samyule thoughtfully, "which of them two bodies of infantryis the army, and which is the prisoners?"
Was there the tiniest, wee-ist, smallest fragment of sarcasm in hisspeech? Find out for yourself, my boy--find out for yourself.
It was shortly after this remark, and while the Orange County Howitzerswere raining a tempest of shot and shell at everything but the enemy,that a small bit of shrapnell fell near Samyule's feet, and againreminded him of his latter end. Noting that he was observed by thosearound him, my boy, and that the surroundings of the scene werepicturesque, he uttered a hollow groan and fell prone to the earth.Then picking up the bit of shrapnell, and laying it upon his heart, hekicked once, and says he:
"Is it almost morning, mother? Hurra for the old fla--"
"Forward with Company 2, immediately," thundered a messenger who atthis moment came tearing to the spot. "The Confederacy has flanked theConic Section, and is trying to escape."
Preferring to defer death itself rather than see his beloved countryoutwitted by the rebels, Captain Samyule Sa-mith darted swiftly to hisfeet at the word, and instantaneously led Company 2 down the hill atdouble-quick. I followed him half-way, my boy, and then turned off intoa cross road, where I found Captain Villiam Brown striving to get aportion of the devoted Conic Section into a straight line by ranging itagainst a fence. Villiam ceased his labors when he saw me approaching,and says he:
"Here's conquering beings for you. Ah!" says Villiam, proudly, "I sentthese invincible beings on a bayonet charge just now, and they have allcome back without their muskets."
"What did they do with them?" says I.
"Left them sticking in the foe," says Villiam, exultingly.
"Are you sure of that, my Alcibiades?" says I, skeptically.
"Why," says Villiam, confidentially, "they didn't bring a single oneback with them, and of course they must have left them sticking intothe paralyzed Confederacies."
If Villiam could draw a checque as easily as he can draw an inference,my boy, he might paper the outside of the universe with ten dollarbills and have enough fifties left to make a very deep border.
Leaving the decimated _corps_ to reorganize, I hastened down the hillagain, and arrived at the bottom only to find a group of reporters andMackerels surrounding a manly prostrate form. Company 2 had justsucceeded in routing some Confederacies from a melon-patch, and CaptainSamyule Sa-mith was improving the opportunity to expire once more in anaffecting manner.
Lifting his feeble head when he saw me, and pulling a small flag alittle further out of a side-pocket in his coat, the perishing warriorsmiled half way down his chin, and says he:
"I still live! All hail to the old fla--"
"One moment, if you please!" shouted Colonel Wobert Wobinson, breakingthrough the group.--"Could you make it convenient to pay me that dollaryou owe me, Samyule?"
Samyule arose deliberately to his feet again, my boy, wearing upon hiscountenance the most awful expression I ever saw upon a human face.
"Well," says Samyule, furiously, "I've tried to die for my countrythree times to-day, and never got further than the old fla--! There issuch vulgarity in them which incessantly surrounds me," says Samyule,bitterly, "that they won't even let me die in peace."
Here a Mackerel chap sniffed differentially, and says he: "But you wastrying to die in war, capting."
There was something so inhuman in the idea of a man making a joke onsuch a serious occasion, as that, my boy, that the entire party wasstruck dumb with horror; and one of the spectators retiredprecipitately behind a tree, where I immediately heard him laughingwildly with joy over the thought that it was not himself who had beenguilty of such a hideous enormity.
It would be useless for me to spend more time in showing how the battleraged to a victorious conclusion, leaving the Mackerel Brigade intriumphant possession of the ground it occupied at the outset, and theConfederacy rooted to the spot it held from the commencement.
Scarcely had the strife been finished half an hour, when the popularGeneral of the Mackerel Brigade arrived to direct all the movements inperson, and to gain some knowledge of the victories he had just won.Accompanying him was the political chap from New Haven, who at onceproceeded to congratulate the troops and address them on the subject ofthe next election.
"My brothers in arms," says he, with fond familiarity, "having done ourduty as patriots, let us proceed to ballot for President of the UnitedStates in 1865. Need I say that our victorious general is the man?"
Truly, my boy, we shall have little difficulty in selecting a chiefmagistrate next term, when there is such a General longing for thenomination.
Yours, politically, ORPHEUS C. KERR.