Mom, I'm Gay

Chapter 16

  Jonathan came into my room later that night after I had fallen asleep. He was clearly angry with me - I could hear it in his voice just the way he said, “Mom.” I sat up and turned on my bedside lamp.

  “What’s up, Jonathan?” He didn’t sit on the edge of my bed. Instead, he closed he door and leaned against it. He even crossed his arms before speaking.

  “Why did you tell Andrea Patrick is gay? and what else did you tell her?”

  “Jonathan,” I began, “we were on the beach, and we saw a gay couple. She reacted so negatively that I felt I had to say something.”

  “What else did you tell her?” His voice was flat. I had been right to worry earlier. Once again, I crossed the line…

  “Nothing, Jonathan,” I answered. “Nothing at all.”

  “You didn’t tell her about Marshall? You didn’t tell her about me?”

  “NO! I said nothing else. But Jonathan, you are going to have to tell her sooner or later.”

  “Mother, you need to stay out of this.” He never called me ‘Mother.’ I was silent as he continued, “Don’t worry about it – I’ll tell her and anyone else when I decide to.” With that, he turned around and left the room. He closed the door quietly, but I felt as if he had slammed it in my face.

  I was feeling much the same as I had when Jonathan was thirteen, fourteen, even fifteen years old. His moods would become negative so quickly, and I never learned how to diffuse them very well. We’d gotten by those times, but now I found myself with the same feeling, not knowing how to stop his anger but wanting to desperately. I fell asleep wondering if his negative moods back then had been outside the norm for all teenagers. Perhaps he got like that because he didn’t know how to handle being gay?

  In the morning, he greeted me but it was clear to me that he was still not happy with me. Andrea seemed oblivious to the tension between us, probably because of the excitement and nervousness she felt beginning a new job. Jonathan left for school, and I suggested she make a sandwich or take some yogurt for lunch before the two of us went to work.

  Because I went in earlier than she needed to be at the salon, Andrea had some time to kill before going to work. She entertained herself on Jennifer’s computer by looking up information on taking her SAT until Jennifer came in. She and Jennifer hit it off well, and at 9:30, she walked to the salon. The rest of my day went by very quickly. Andrea came back to my office after five, and we went home together. She had lots of stories about all the customers, and she had definitely enjoyed being with people all day long.

  Particularly because of Jonathan’s recent distance, I realized having Andrea around the house felt like a special treat for me. Again, I realized it was nice to have another female around, and because of that, Jonathan’s coolness towards me didn’t hurt as badly. The two of them were getting along fine, at least in my presence.

  The rest of the week followed the same routine. Jonathan kept his word and took Andrea to meet old friends on Wednesday night. When they came home that night, Jonathan said good night and went right up to his room, but Andrea stayed downstairs and began talking to me about the evening. She told me she felt much shyer around the girls than she had expected. It occurred to her that Jonathan had been her very best friend until she moved away, and she really hadn’t known a lot of the girls very well.

  “Do you think that’s weird, Mrs. J.? Having a boy as my best friend all the way until I was thirteen?”

  She seemed surprised when I said, “Probably it’s a little unusual, Andrea.”

  “It always seemed so normal for me,” she was quick to say. “And with moving so much in the past few years, I never had a chance to get really close to anyone else. Sure, I’ve had a few boyfriends, but most of them I chose because I knew it would annoy Joan. Why do you think it’s unusual?”

  “Well, I’m just thinking about Gabby when she was that age, and about myself, too. Neither of us had boys for friends after second grade or so. Actually, I don’t think I had any ‘boy’ friends until I started dating! Gabby seems to have plenty since going to college, though.” And without saying it aloud, I thought, ‘And some of them are gay.’ Not wanting to go down that road again, I quickly began asking her about who she saw, if she planned to see any of them again, anything I could think of to stay on a safe subject. I knew sooner or later, she was going to figure out about Jonathan, but I wanted to steer clear of that topic after the way he reacted to me telling her about Patrick. However, what she said next took me totally by surprise.

  “Some of the girls tonight hinted that they had thought I was ….well, you know, a lesbian.”

  Now I really didn’t know what to say. Did that mean Jonathan’s friends knew? I guessed they did. Had he told them, or had they figured it out? Although in some ways, it felt easier to talk to Andrea because she was NOT my own child, I found myself going completely mute after what she had just told me, the same way I had with Jonathan. Was it possible? Could Andrea be gay? As these questions ran through my mind, she continued talking.

  “That really surprised me, Mrs. J. I mean, is that something you had thought about me? I’ve never even thought that way about myself, not even a little bit, like some girls do. I really can’t imagine what made the girls think that about me? I never saw myself as the dikey type. But I really haven’t dated many guys, either. Maybe that’s why.”

  I finally found my tongue, and much to own surprise, I responded, “Andrea, while I’m not really sure there is such a thing as the “dikey” type, to answer your question, no, I have never thought of you like that or as a heterosexual, either, but you know it really wouldn’t matter to me one way or the other.” I stopped there, mainly trying to avoid saying too much, and I stifled a fake yawn before she had a chance to say another word.

  “I’m pretty tired. I think I better get to bed now.” She took the obvious hint and said goodnight, but I was sure this was not the end of the conversation. Andrea had always been a smart young lady, and she was going to figure this out soon. That night, after I prayed, I found myself badly wondering how I could talk this over with Jonathan, but I knew that wasn’t an option. I fell asleep thinking that perhaps I should call Patrick, or ask Marshall for some help. But the next day, some help with the matter fell right in my lap from a most unlikely place.