Mom, I'm Gay

Chapter 25

  I can’t imagine what it would have been like to bring Jonathan to college without Gabby. This was my youngest, my baby, and the feeling of one door closing as we drove toward his college was very strong. I was so happy to have her along to keep me from wallowing in such thoughts. It was not a bad drive to the university, but I knew I would need her company on the ride back. As we drove, I knew that leaving my youngest child at college for the first time was going to be even harder than I expected, and in the end, Gabby had to drive on the trip back home because I could not stop crying.

  As we neared the university, I would have been shocked to learn of Jonathan’s choice for a dormitory if I had not lived through the past few months. I was aware that he was not in one of the large, traditional freshman dorms, but during the last hour of our drive, he told us more about the dorm he would be living in. He had been chosen to live in a co-ed building that was for students who were questioning their sexual orientation and felt most comfortable defining themselves as homosexual or lesbian. Because of that designation, it was the only dorm on campus that had suites made up of males and females. Apparently, a graduate of the university had become very successful, and had fond memories of his college days as the first time his homosexuality was accepted. Because of that, he had a dream for other young people to make it even better for them. He had made a donation to the university for building a dorm that was for students who were, at least at this point in their lives, not inclined toward heterosexuality. He insisted the suites include mixed sexes, because he felt that gave a better chance to those who were only experimenting to find out who they were. It had not been easy to get a state school to accept his stipulations, but given the size of the donation, he had somehow managed.

  Jonathan continued to explain the process. Applicants had to write an essay to be chosen for this dorm, and a panel of professors and the donor himself selected the small group of fifty students for the dorm. Those selected did not have to share their dorm choice with their parents unless they chose to do so. Jonathan proudly explained that his application had been late, because he had not learned about it prior to the deadline, and that he had been selected as a student whose family was supportive. If he had not had a supportive family, it was likely he would not have gotten in. The idea was to mix both genders and students with accepting families and those whose families did not accept their sexuality, and apparently there were more applicants without support. He briefly added there were some activities sponsored by the dorm, but didn’t elaborate.

  I know I was lucky that Jonathan explained this to me at all, but I couldn’t help feeling a little left out that he hadn’t told me sooner! I realized Gabby knew about it and I wondered if that was part of the reason Sam hadn’t come home with her. Finally, after a typical silence on my part, I asked, “Jonathan, how did you learn about this dorm?”

  His answer took me by surprise. “Bob told me about it that first time I met him.”

  I remembered that day and how he and Bob had disappeared for so long that I had become uncomfortable. I should have been thrilled because now I was learning that Bob was offering my son the kind of support I wanted to give him but had no idea how. I never knew this dorm existed!

  When we arrived, the moving in part kept me going without getting too emotional. It was a lot of physical work, especially because the upperclassmen had the lower floors, and the incoming freshmen were at the top. This was the hierarchy, and it made bringing in all his things quite tiring. Then we had the task of setting it up.

  The suite was pretty similar to the one Gabby had as a freshman; it was small and functional. Each student had a very small bedroom with room for a twin bed and a built-in dresser and desk, and there was a private bathroom for the four sharing it, rather than the large communal style bathroom Gabby had had in the older dorm style. There was also a kitchen area with a stove, kitchen, refrigerator and dishwasher. That was probably the nicest part of the dorm, because it had a full-sized refrigerator which made the usual little dorm-sized ones unnecessary. I met two of Jonathan’s three roommates. Shelby was a tall, athletic young woman who was attending the university on a basketball scholarship. Her parents had not brought her, but I met her oldest sister, who was a few years older than Gabby. I wondered if her sister brought her because she hadn’t told her parents about the dorm, or if it was because she had…Shelby and Jonathan seemed to get along well from the start; they had traded emails prior to coming, and she already knew that he had run cross country in high school. She immediately asked him if planned to continue running, mentioning she wanted a running partner. Also, both were undecided about their major as freshmen. Shane, the other boy in the suite, was arriving just as we were leaving. His father was as dark as Marshall and his mother was a petite blonde. They were cordial but not overly friendly. Shane somehow reminded me of the old Lily, with the way his hair was styled and his skin color, but I didn’t say that out loud. I didn’t have an opportunity to talk to them long enough to learn anything about Shane or his family.

  Jonathan was as comfortable in his own skin and as excited as I had ever seen him, and he didn’t hide the fact that he was ready for me to leave, so I didn’t get to meet his remaining roommate. He walked us out to the car and even opened the door for me. My heart felt like it was twisting like a pretzel as the reality that my baby was in college hit me. I started crying right away, but Gabby gave her brother a big hug, and told me to start driving. I wasn’t used to her giving me orders, but I obeyed. However, we weren’t more than a block away when she gave me further directions.

  “Pull over right here, Mom,” she said gently. The tears were streaming down my face, but I managed to pull the car over and put it in park. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Mom, it’s going to be all right!” she sounded slightly exasperated, but was still gentle. I couldn’t find any words to express how I was feeling, so we sat there for a few minutes as I continued crying.

  Finally, she said, “Let’s trade places so I can drive. If we wait for you to stop…”

  “That might take all day,” I finished the sentence. But I did get out and let her take over the driving.

  Leaving my Jonathan that day was harder than I’d ever expected. I knew he was ready for college, but I wasn’t ready for what was next. I didn’t even know what I thought was next, and I’m not sure I would have gotten through the rest of that first week with Jonathan away at college if it wasn’t for Jim.