Without You

  Grace let out a gasp. “Bite your tongue, bitch. How could you say such a thing?”

  I laughed as I went back to flipping through a book I had picked up from the library.

  “So, what’s bugging you, Grace?” I asked.

  “Nothing.”

  Libby tossed a pillow at Grace. “Bitch, please. You haven’t been yourself ever since that night you came back from your fling during spring break.”

  I sat up as my mouth dropped to the floor. “What? What fling? You had a fling? Oh. My. God. You had a fling, and you didn’t tell me. What the hell, Grace? We’re best friends.”

  Grace glared at Libby.

  Libby shrugged her shoulders. “Sorry. I thought for sure that Alex knew about it.”

  I shook my head. “No, Alex didn’t know anything about it. Grace Johnson, spill the beans right now.”

  Grace looked at me, then Libby, and then back to me. “It’s not a big deal. It was nothing, and I haven’t been acting differently since spring break. You’ve only been around me three weeks, Libby! Have you noticed a difference, Alex?”

  “Um…no, not really. Well, you do stare off into space a lot, like you’re thinking hard. But I want to know about the fling!” I moved to my knees and started hopping. I was just glad the conversation was not about me.

  Grace laughed and pushed me over.

  “Come on, Grace. Tell her about hot Noah,” Libby said with a wink.

  I stopped jumping. “Noah? Isn’t that the name of the guy who bumped into you at A&M? It was Noah, right?”

  “Yes!” Libby said as Grace answered at the same time, “No!”

  Libby looked confused. “Grace, you two did so know each other. He said he was glad he didn’t knock you down this time.”

  Again, my mouth was hanging open. “You had sex…with the hot A&M guy? How in the hell did you manage that?”

  Libby giggled.

  Grace began moving about nervously. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t want to rehash it. It’s over.”

  Libby’s smile faded.

  I reached for Grace’s arm. “Grace, did he hurt you or something?”

  Grace rolled her eyes. “No! God, no. He was actually a great fuck. That’s all he was though.” She got up, headed over to her desk, and sat down. She opened up the laptop and began searching on the Internet.

  Libby and I looked at each other.

  I wasn’t sure if I should push for more info or not. “Well, can I ask if you knew he was going to be there?”

  Without turning to face me, she said, “Nope, I had no clue.”

  “So, y’all just bumped into each other again and decided to, as you call it, fuck?”

  She turned and looked at me, and I swore she had tears in her eyes.

  “Yes, Alex. We exchanged numbers on the beach. I wanted to get laid, and he wanted to get laid, so it all worked out perfectly. We fucked, and when we were done, I got up and left. End of story.” She turned back and began typing an email.

  There was more to the story than Grace was letting on.

  Libby stood up and walked over to Grace. “Grace, do you want to talk about it?”

  Grace spun around in her chair and smiled at us. “No. Really, y’all, it’s not a big deal. Please, can we move on?”

  Libby and I both said, “Okay,” as we looked at each other.

  I glanced back up to Grace and made a mental note to talk to her alone later.

  I pulled up and parked behind Will’s truck. Instead of having Will pick me up, I had decided to just meet him at the clubhouse. I took a deep breath as I opened the car door and got out. I walked up to the clubhouse door.

  Right before I reached it, Will opened it. “Hey, beautiful.”

  My heart skipped a beat, and my stomach dropped at the sight of him. I loved him so much, but I knew I had been pushing him away. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he knew Blake had touched me. Lying in bed at night, I would wonder if Will thought any different of me.

  He reached for my hand, and I began to panic. We were going to be alone in the clubhouse. Will would surely want to make love.

  Am I ready?

  Yes.

  No.

  I closed my eyes, and I took in a slow deep breath. I gently blew it out as I opened my eyes and took a step toward Will. He took my hand and led me through the door. When I walked in, I sucked in a breath of air. White lights were draped across the ceiling, and a few candles were lit. On the floor, a picnic basket and a bucket with a huge bottle of water were sitting on a blanket.

  I giggled as I looked at Will. “Water?”

  He smiled the smile that took my breath away as he nodded. “Yep. Since we’re both driving this evening, I thought it would be best to play it safe.”

  I shook my head and walked over to the blanket.

  “Sit down, Lex.”

  I sank down to the floor as I watched Will move about, taking care of a few other things. He finally sat down and picked up a remote. He pressed a button, and Colbie Caillat’s “Stay with Me” began playing. I smiled as Will gave me his panty-melting smile back.

  My heart started beating faster, and I began chewing on my lower lip to calm my nerves.

  What if he goes to kiss me and then thinks of Blake’s hands on my body?

  “My mom made her famous hummus that you love so much,” Will said as he began taking food out of the basket.

  We’re just eating. That’s all. Just eating.

  Will and I ate and talked about simple things—what Will was helping my father with on the ranch this summer and how him and his dad were making some office furniture for a lawyer in Austin.

  “So, your dad said you’ve been riding Banjo a lot,” Will said with a smile.

  I grinned back. Something about my horse always kept me calm. I would feel safe when I was with Banjo.

  “Yeah, I’ve missed him a lot this past year. I’m thinking of taking him to A&M next year.”

  “That would be awesome, Lex.”

  I smiled and nodded my head as Will began cleaning up.

  Once he finished, he reached down for my hand. “Dance with me, Lex?”

  “Still Fallin’” by Hunter Hayes began playing. I stood up and let Will pull me into his arms. We danced for a few minutes, and I felt so safe in his arms.

  “I love you, Lex,” he whispered before kissing my neck.

  His hot breath did things to my body, and I let out a small moan.

  I need him. I need his touch.

  “Lex, I want you.”

  My mind was going in a million different directions. As much as I wanted to be with him, I was afraid of what he would think of me. I knew that he knew what Blake had done to me.

  “Will…” I whispered.

  He reached down and picked me up. He carried me to the bed, and he gently laid me down on it as I attempted to push my fears away.

  “Lex, I’m going to make love to you.”

  I closed my eyes as I felt him unbutton my shorts. I lifted my hips as he began to pull my shorts and panties off.

  “So perfect and beautiful,” he said.

  My eyes snapped open, and I looked at him admiring my body.

  I’m not perfect. I’m tainted. He touched me. He violated me.

  Will gently spread my legs apart.

  The moment he touched me, I screamed out, “Stop! I can’t! I can’t!” I instantly began crying.

  Will jumped off the bed and away from me. I frantically began searching for my shorts and panties. I slipped them on as Will just stood there.

  “Lex, I didn’t mean to push you into…I mean, I thought you wanted me to…I thought that’s why you wanted to come here.”

  I wiped my tears away and grabbed my keys. “I just need time.”

  I turned to open the door when Will grabbed my arm.

  “Lex, stop pushing me away. Why are you pushing me away?”

  My head was spinning, and all I could see was Blake’s body over mine as he reached his hand inside my p
ants.

  Oh God, make it go away.

  I swallowed hard. “I’m…I’m no good for you, Will.”

  His mouth dropped open. “What? Lex, what in the hell do you mean? You’re my everything. You mean the world to me.”

  I shook my head and pushed him away from me. “No, he ruined it.”

  Will used his hand to shut the door. “He ruined what, Lex? Please talk to me, baby. Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

  I knew the only way Will would let me go was if I told him he was scaring me. In my heart, I knew Will would never hurt me, but I wasn’t ready to talk about this with him.

  I looked him in the eyes. “You’re scaring me.”

  Will immediately dropped his hand from the door and took a few steps back. The look in his eyes and on his face gutted me. I never wanted him to think I was afraid of him.

  “Lex, I would never…” His eyes began to fill with tears.

  I wanted to tell him that I didn’t mean what I’d just said. I went to say something, but he turned and picked up his truck keys. He came back to the door and reached around me to leave the clubhouse. I stood there, not knowing what to do. I’d just hurt the only person I ever loved.

  He began walking to his truck.

  Say something, Alex.

  “Will! Will, please wait,” I said as I began running to him.

  He jumped into his truck. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is scare you.”

  I shook my head. “No, no, Will. I just didn’t want—”

  “I get it, Lex. You need time. I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”

  I started crying harder. “Will…I didn’t mean that.”

  “I saw it in your eyes.” He threw his truck into drive and started driving off.

  I stood there, alone.

  I’m all alone.

  I don’t like being alone.

  “Will…”

  “Motherfucker!” I shouted.

  Luke and Colt laughed.

  Colt said, “Don’t take it out on the fence, dude.”

  I threw the fence pullers and cursed again. “Fuck this shit.”

  “Y’all want to call it a day? The barn dance is tonight. I’d like to head home to shower and get ready,” Colt said with a smile.

  “Why are you so happy?” Luke asked.

  Colt shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I just want to dance and have a little bit of fun.”

  Luke turned to me. “Have you talked to Alex yet?”

  I shook my head.

  Colt let out a sigh. “Will, Alex cried her eyes out the other day when she came home. What happened? My parents tried to get her to talk to them, but she wouldn’t.”

  “She pushed me away again. I tried to get her to talk to me, and she told me…she told me…” My voice cracked.

  Colt and Luke both stood there, waiting for me to finish.

  “She told you what?” Luke asked.

  I looked down to the ground. “She told me I was scaring her.”

  “What?” Colt and Luke both said.

  “What in the hell were you doing?” Colt asked.

  I looked into his eyes. “I put my hand on the door, so she couldn’t open it and leave. I was asking her to please talk to me, and that was when she…she, um…she said I was scaring her.”

  “Will, you need to understand that she probably didn’t mean it like that,” Luke said.

  I snapped my head over to look at Luke. “How in the hell could I have misread that? She said I was scaring her, Luke. Her eyes were filled with something I’d never seen before. She was afraid I was going to hurt her. She said that he ruined it. I asked her what she meant, and she just freaked.”

  Colt pushed his hands through his hair and then sighed. “She must have been talking about Blake. Do you think maybe she just said you were scaring her because she didn’t want to talk about Blake?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is, the girl I love is afraid to be touched by me.”

  Colt shook his head. “No, Will, I don’t think that’s it. Listen, I went and talked to Janet. I wanted to talk to someone who had been through something like what Alex had. Janet told me she felt dirty for months, like she was unworthy of anyone’s love. Just because Blake didn’t rape Alex doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel the same way. He touched her, and by the comment he made to us…” Colt balled up his fists and took a deep breath. “By the comment he made, I’m going to guess he managed to get his hands down her pants. If he touched her, that could make Alex feel the same way.”

  Luke said, “That makes sense, Will. She said he ruined it. You and Lex have only been with each other. You have a perfect and, for lack of a better word, clean relationship. You’ve only been with each other. By another guy touching her, she’s probably worried about how that makes you feel.”

  I stared at Luke and then looked at Colt. “Do you think that’s what it is?”

  They both nodded.

  “I mean, I’m no expert by any means, but after talking to Janet, I really learned a lot. Alex’s control was taken away. Blake tried to take something that, in Alex’s mind, only belongs to you, Will. Blake tainted that.”

  “Do you know if she’ll be at the barn dance?” I asked.

  “You haven’t talked to her?” Luke asked.

  I felt the guilt instantly overtake my body. “No, not in three days. I told her I would leave her alone for a bit.”

  “That’s the last thing she needs, Will,” Colt said.

  I nodded my head. “Yeah, I fucked up big time.”

  Luke started laughing. “Yes, you did, and that means a visit to Gramps. He’ll tell you how to fix it.”

  I started heading toward my truck.

  “Where are you going?” Colt called out.

  “To see Gramps. Just make sure Lex is there tonight, Colt!” I yelled as I started running.

  I sat down as Grams handed me a sweet tea. Gramps sat across from me as he smiled at me. Grams sat down next to him and took his hand.

  I inhaled in a deep breath through my nose and blew it out through my mouth. “I’m just going to say it. I messed up with Lex. I don’t know what to do. I acted like an idiot, and I thought she was pushing me away, but I think I’m the one who pushed her away. I don’t know how to make it right.” Once I’d gotten it all out, I felt a little better.

  “Sounds to me like you need a song,” Gramps said.

  I looked at him as Grams started chuckling.

  “Excuse me, boys, I need to get ready for my walk,” Grams said.

  Gramps and I both stood up as Grams stood and walked out of the room.

  When we sat down, Gramps said, “Mr. Nat King Cole.”

  I smiled. “The same song my dad plays when my mother is mad at him? That old song?”

  “Son, that song might be old, but I promise you, it is magic. It’s called ‘Send for Me.’”

  “So, do I sing it to her or something while we dance?”

  Gramps just looked at me. “Let me hear you sing a couple of bars of something.”

  “Uh…okay.” I started to sing a country song.

  Gramps held up his hand. “Oh, hell no. Don’t sing, boy. Let Nat do all the swooning.”

  I let out a chuckle. “I take it that you don’t think I sing very good.”

  Gramps dropped his hand. “I wouldn’t call that singing—at all.”

  I held up my hands. “Fine, fine. I never claimed to be a singer.”

  The front door opened, and I heard her sweet voice.

  “Grams? Gramps?”

  I looked back at Gramps. My heart started racing at an unbelievable pace.

  Lex came walking around the corner and stopped dead in her tracks. “Will? What are you doing here?”

  “The boy came to talk to me. I take it you and Emma are going on a walk?” Gramps asked.

  Lex pulled her eyes from me to look at Gramps. “Um…yes.”

  Grams walked up and put her arm around Lex. “
Shall we go, sweetheart?”

  Lex smiled at Grams and then looked at me. When I smiled and winked at her, her face seemed to instantly relax.

  “I’ll see you at the dance tonight, Lex?”

  Her smile grew bigger on her face. “I’ll be there.”

  I glanced down and saw her rubbing the promise ring. I looked back up into her eyes. Her spark still wasn’t there, but I was going to do everything in my power to get it back.

  Grams and Lex headed out the door. I turned and looked back to Gramps.

  “She loves you. Don’t give up on her,” Gramps said as he stood up and walked over to me.

  “I love her, too, Gramps, more than anything. Life without Lex is not an option.”

  Gramps laughed. “That’s my boy. Now, come on. Let’s go play a game of dominos.”

  I chuckled and followed him. We sat down at the kitchen table, and as he took out a deck of playing cards, he looked me in the eyes and grinned. His blue eyes had fire in them as he tilted his head.

  “I thought we were playing dominos,” I said.

  Gramps smiled and winked. “William, be prepared to get your ass kicked in poker. How much money do you have on you?”

  “Um…what happened to dominos?”

  Gramps started shuffling the deck of cards. “Oh, that was just in case Emma was still outside. Come on, son, put your money down.”

  I laughed as I reached for my wallet, and I threw a twenty down. Gramps looked up at me and frowned. I pulled another twenty out.

  He winked. “Let’s do this.”

  The moment he won the first hand, I knew I had just lost my forty bucks.

  As we walked up to Mr. Banks’s barn, Grace and Maegan wouldn’t stop arguing. Mr. Banks had been letting us use his barn for barn dances since I could remember.

  I finally stopped and spun around to face them. “Shut the fuck up. I can’t take it anymore. Maegan, stop acting like such a bitch. If you wanted to wear something different, you should have put the damn thing on in the first place. Grace, stop egging her on. My God, the two of you are acting like you’re in middle school.”

  Maegan’s mouth dropped open, and Grace smiled at me.

  “It’s about damn time Alex Mathews showed back up.” Grace blew me a kiss and walked by me.

  Maegan continued to just stare at me before she finally said, “Fine, I’ll be happy with what I’m wearing. There’s no one in this damn town I want to impress anyway. Nothing but a bunch of country bumpkins are here.”