Road to Nowhere, Ends Here Bundle

  Noah and I celebrated that night at the beach.

  “I hated school. Dropped out when I was fifteen,” he shared, looking out at the ocean.

  “Well… it’s never too late to try again. A lot can change in five years.”

  “Mia, it ain’t normal that you want to go back to school, pretty girl,” he chuckled, trying to reach for me.

  I pulled away. “You just gave me a backhanded compliment. You don’t get to cuddle.”

  “Cuddlin’? That what we doin’?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. What do you think we’re doing?”

  He grinned. “Somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to do with you for as long as I can remember.”

  “Which is?”

  “Be wit’ you.”

  “You are with me.”

  “Am I?”

  “We’re together right now.”

  “We’ve been together almost every day.”

  “I know,” I giggled. “You’re a stage five clinger.”

  He laughed, big and throaty. Lunging for me, grabbing a hold of my waist before I could get away. He didn’t hesitate, picking me up off the sand as if I weighed nothing. Throwing me over his shoulder, holding onto the back of my knees to lock me in place.

  “Hey! This isn’t fair! You’re bigger than me!” I shouted, pressing my hands on his back to look up and see where we were going.

  He was walking toward the water.

  “No! It’s nighttime! I could get eaten by sharks!” I squealed, trying to break loose. I instantly started tickling under his arms, making him fall to his knees, laying me down in the sand.

  My breathing hitched when I realized he was now hovering above me. His face only a few inches away from mine. There was something about the moment that seemed so familiar to me, stirring all sort of emotions all over again.

  “I wanna kiss you,” he whispered out of nowhere.

  “So, kiss me.”

  His eyes narrowed in on my face, going from my lips back up to my eyes. “Not gonna kiss you until I know for sure you’re mine.” With that, he stood, leaving me wanting, needing to feel his lips on mine.

  The next day he surprised me with his enrollment papers to get his GED. Saying I made him want to be a better man. I think he just wanted brownie points with me, to be honest. Either way, I was proud of him.

  It had been over a month since I’d gone back to school, and things were going great. My classmates treated me the same, knowing my current condition as well as the school and teachers. Most of them I remembered, but some I didn’t have any idea who they were. It was easy to fall into a normal routine again, not feeling like I was struggling one bit. Even smiling more often than not. If anything for the first time since I got back, it felt natural. I recalled being a good student in the past, so that was probably why it was simple to fall back into my schoolwork and classes. It was definitely the breath of fresh air I needed.

  Noah and I spent every second we could with each other. Learning something new about one another with each passing day. What made him happy, what made him smile, what made him laugh his ass off. It was interesting to peel back the different layers that made Noah who he was.

  A man I think I was completely falling for.

  The more time I spent with him, the more I wanted to be around him. He made me feel safe, secure, wanted. No longer the lonely girl trapped in the purgatory of her mind. He brought light back into my life, stifling the darkness. At least when he was with me. His presence alone comforted me more than anyone else’s, but I often wondered if that would be the case if someone else were here, too.

  I hadn’t received any more texts from Creed after the first one three months ago. Chalking it up to the fact that I never replied. I didn’t know what was the right or wrong thing to say, so I left it alone. I kept it saved on my phone, pulling it up whenever I was feeling lonely. Typing out a message, only to delete it right away. I couldn’t even tell you how many times my finger hovered over the send button. Thoughts of him never drifted from my mind, especially when I was with Noah.

  My therapist said it was probably from the two of them being so similar to one another. My brain was picking up on things that reminded me of Creed. Plus, my mind knew they were brothers, and that could play a huge factor on its own. I prayed every night Creed was safe. Looking up at the stars, laying on the lounger on my balcony. Writing in the notebook Dr. Garcia gave me to keep track of my feelings. Half the time I didn’t even realize I was doing it, and that alone felt so unexpectedly familiar to me. As if it wasn’t the first time I had done so.

  “Whatcha thinkin’ about over there?” Noah asked, glancing at me while he drove my Jeep.

  “Where are we going?” I replied, blowing off his question.

  “It’s a surprise, pretty girl.”

  He loved to surprise me with all sorts of stuff anytime he could, which happened too often. Bringing me flowers every few weeks, replacing the others that had died, became part of his routine. Attaching little cards that had simple swoon-worthy sentiments on them like, ‘Hey good lookin’,’ or ‘These reminded me of you. Hope they remind you of me.’ Always signed, ‘Have a great day, beautiful,’ — A messy heart, Noah. Stirring all sorts of emotions out of me.

  “Awe! Come on, give me a hint!”

  “Alright… you’re gonna need to close your eyes when I tell you to.”

  I unexpectedly jerked back.

  “What?” He grinned. “You don’t think I’m kidnappin’ you, do you?”

  “Can’t kidnap what’s already yours,” I murmured, too low for him to hear.

  “Wha—”

  I shook it off, shyly smiling. “I can’t wait.”

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah… I just spaced out for a second.”

  “You remember somethin’?”

  “No. I don’t think so. I swear… my head is just… I don’t even know. It doesn’t matter. I’m just excited for my surprise, so hurry up already,” I laughed, trying to play it off that I was fine, when I wasn’t.

  “Mia, you know if you ever wanna ask me anythin’ about the past. I’ll always be honest with you.”

  “Noah…” I looked over at him, taking a deep breath. “What if I don’t want to know? Like what if I don’t want to remember?” I had never told anyone this besides Dr. Garcia.

  He smiled, reaching for my hand. Bringing it over to his mouth to softly kiss it. “Then I’d be the luckiest fuckin’ bastard in the world.”

  I smiled, not wanting to know what he meant by that statement. Again, I was too afraid to hear the answer. He held my hand the rest of the way, sitting pretty on his thigh. Rubbing his fingers back and forth on the palm of my hand. Sending delightful shivers through my body. Noah was always touching me in one way or another. At times it was subtle, like placing his arm on the back of my chair, rubbing my shoulder with his thumb. Or when we were having a casual conversation, he would play with the ends of my hair. Listening to every word that came out of my mouth with an intense regard.

  Making me miss his touch when we weren’t together. Especially at night, when I felt there should be a presence, but didn’t understand why.

  I went over to his house a few times, spending hours hanging out with him and his mom. Laughing our asses off at all the stories she told me about Noah when he was a little boy. I never asked him when his mom finally got sober. Not wanting to dig up past memories, just like he didn’t want to uncover mine. She didn’t seem like the woman he threw back in Creed’s face at all. She seemed so loving, caring, a woman with a big heart. Still bringing me the same sense of comfort she had so many months ago. Almost like a second mom.

  We had a bond like I had known her forever. Plus, she made the best apple pie. She’d usually sit at the dining room table drinking her coffee, while Noah and I sat on the couch flipping through channels on the TV. He would snuggle me close and rub the back of my neck, right at the hairline. Making me relax into his side. I would often catch the look
on his mom’s face out the corner of my eye as if she was torn between her sons. Needing to say something to me, but it never came out.

  “Close ‘em eyes,” Noah ordered, pulling me away from my thoughts.

  “This isn’t like a sexual thing, right? Because I don’t know how I feel about that,” I sarcastically stated, wiggling my eyebrows. Trying to stifle a laugh.

  “If it were sexual, you’d be wearin’ a blindfold and possibly some handcuffs. Now, close ‘em eyes.”

  I chuckled and did as I was told, impatiently waiting for what was to come. A few minutes later he parked my Jeep.

  “Can I open them now?”

  “No. I’ll be back. Won’t take long. Do not open your eyes.”

  I sat there fidgeting with the seam of my dress, anticipating his returned. Trying to ignore the fluttering feeling that was suddenly consuming my belly. A familiar, yet unfamiliar sensation Noah had inflicted more and more these days. The passenger door to the Jeep flew open, I yelped from the sudden intrusion but instantly calmed when I felt his touch.

  “Relax, pretty girl. It’s just me,” he whispered near my ear, once again stirring my emotions. He grabbed my hand, turning me in the seat to face him. Letting me go and stepping away. “You can open them now.”

  I did. “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, looking at the pink surfboard in his grasp. The words, “Pretty Girl” written in white lettering across it.

  “I had this custom made for you. It should be perfect for your size and weight.”

  “Noah… when I told you that my board didn’t fit me anymore, I wasn’t saying for you to buy me one. That’s a Channel Islands surfboard, it must have cost you a small fortune.”

  “Don’t you worry your pretty little head over that. You’re worth every penny and then some,” he replied, smiling. “You said you remembered how to surf, but ya haven’t been hittin’ the waves cuz you didn’t have a board that fits. So, I got one for you. I wanna watch you kick ass out there in the water.” He nodded to the ocean. “Drove us all the way over to Ocean Island Beach, the forecast predicted the best waves here today.”

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say, but thank you so much. It’s beautiful.” Without any thought, I jumped out of my Jeep and wrapped my arms around his neck, squeezing him tight.

  “You’re fuckin’ beautiful,” he murmured in my ear before I pulled away.

  I smiled, looking around the beach. “I don’t have a bathing suit. I guess we could find a shop around here.”

  “Took care of that, too.” He opened the back door of my Jeep, pulling out a gray bag that had towels, sunscreen, and a new pink bikini for me.

  Instantly bringing back those reoccurring feelings by seeing the bag and its contents.

  “I see a running theme here. You like the color pink, Noah?” I teased, smirking at him. Holding up the bathing suit.

  “You love pink. It’s your favorite color.”

  “Oh…”

  “Will you wear it for me? So I can see a big part of your world.”

  I nodded, feeling as though this had happened before. All of it seemed so familiar. The ocean, the surfboard, and the pink bikini all hit me at once. I shook off the plaguing thoughts, not wanting to ruin the moment. It was such an amazingly sweet gesture that he put a lot of thought into. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin it.

  I changed in the restroom at the beach, noticing immediately that the bikini left very little to the imagination. I was grateful it at least covered my faint C-section scar. The only reminder I had of my pregnancy. Other than that, I didn’t look or feel like I was ever pregnant. Noah and I hadn’t spoken about our baby girl since we laid her to rest six months ago. Neither one of us had breached the subject, not even one time. I think we were both scared to bring it up, afraid it would make it too real. Both of us pretending it never happened were easier.

  A piece of each of our hearts was buried with her that day. But she was not forgotten, I had the daily reminder every time I looked at myself in the mirror. One day my mom had noticed me looking at the scar while I was laying out by the pool. Rubbing my fingers against the taut skin. Before she could question me about it, I simply asked her if she could find me a cream that would help take the scar away.

  Hoping if it was out of sight, it would be out of my mind, too. I turned my face away from her as soon as the question left my lips, not wanting to see the look on her face. She made an appointment for me at a cosmetology center a few days later. After a few sessions of laser treatments, it’s barely noticeable anymore. You couldn’t see it unless you knew it was there.

  I thought it would make it easier on me.

  It didn’t…

  It made it harder.

  I told Dr. Garcia that I felt ashamed, as if I was trying to wipe away the evidence of her existence, like she was never growing inside of me. She told me that I was just trying to cope the only way I knew how. Even though it didn’t make me feel any better, it helped.

  “Hey, pretty girl. What’s takin’ you so long, I’m gettin’ old here.” Noah pounded his fist on the steel door, making me laugh. “Don’t make me come in there. Bring that cute little ass of yours out here,” he hollered.

  I shook my head, taking a deep breath before opening the door.

  The expression on Noah’s face and the glare in his eyes when I walked out of the bathroom wearing the bikini was enough to push away all my looming fears. The ones I knew I’d never get rid of. He eyed me with a predatory regard, taking in every last inch of my sun-kissed skin. Making me feel nervous for a whole set of new reasons.

  “Jesus Christ,” he breathed out. “You’re even more breathtakin’ than I remember.”

  I blushed, peering down at the ground, shuffling my feet in the sand. I heard him chuckle as he made his way over to me. Stopping when we were inches apart, wrapping his arm around me. Pulling me into the side of his torso where I willingly went, loving the feel of him against me. He kissed the top of my head, and we walked down to the shore together. Grabbing my new surfboard on the way.

  I spent most of the day in the water, riding the waves, becoming one with the ocean. Getting lost in my happy place I hadn’t visited in I couldn’t remember how long. It was just like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it. There was nothing in the world that could compare to the feeling of the ocean breeze and salt water hitting your face when you paddled out. I loved feeling like I had never left. This was me doing something I loved. Every time I’d look back at the shoreline, there was Noah smiling.

  Watching me.

  I went to hang out with him a few times, but he was adamant that I go back in the ocean. Threatening to pick me up over his shoulder and carry me out there like a barbarian. Throwing me to the sharks. He reassured me he was having the best time just sitting there. Being a part of my world for once. Getting a glimpse of how life should be. It was well into the afternoon by the time I was done for the day. My body physically spent, barely being able to drag my board up to the sand. As soon as I walked up to where Noah had been sitting all day, I noticed there was a spread of food with drinks on a blanket.

  “Did you make us a picnic?” I asked with tears forming in my eyes.

  For some reason the gesture was too much for me to take.

  “I did. Thought you could learn some of your favorite foods and drinks again.”

  I struggled like hell to let go of the emotion that suddenly coursed through me. I had spent hours thinking about the connection we shared, the intensity of it. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he listened. Every smile, every laugh, every word that fell from his lips, meant something.

  It didn’t matter how big or how small.

  It was there.

  Etching its way into my heart where it felt like it had always been.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon eating, playing like kids in the sand, talking and enjoying each other’s company. Getting to know one another just a little bit more. Before I knew it, we were laying
down on the blanket, my head resting in the crevice of his arm. Watching the sun go down. Listening intently to the lull of the waves as they brushed up onto the sand. I closed my eyes, never wanting the day to end.

  “Mia.” Noah shook me, stirring me awake.

  “Hmm…”

  “You gotta wake up. We passed out. It’s after one in the morning. Your parents’ must be flippin’ the fuck out.”

  “What?” I sat up, brushing the sleep out of my eyes.

  “Here, check your phone. I bet it’s been blowin’ up. Mine was.”

  I grabbed it out of his hands. He was right, there were over fifty missed phone calls from my parents’, Mason, Bo, not to mention my uncles and an endless stream of text messages. At least ten from an unknown number, but I pushed it aside needing to call home.

  “Shit,” I panicked, instantly hitting the call back button on my house number.

  “Mia!” my mom yelled into the receiver in a distraught tone. “Please tell me you’re okay!” she cried.

  “Momma! I’m fine! I swear… I’m so sorry. We came to the beach, the fresh air, all the food we ate… I surfed all day. We just fell asleep in the sand watching the sun go down.”

  “Mia, oh my God! Do you have any idea what we’ve been going through! What on earth were you thinking?! How could you be so careless?!”

  “I know, I know. I had my phone on silent. Noah did, too. Please don’t be mad… it was an accident. I would never want to put you guys through anything like that again. I’m so sorry,” I honestly spoke, pacing back and forth in front of Noah who was busy checking his voicemails. I faintly heard a familiar voice before the screaming started again on mine.

  “Lucas, calm down!”

  “Give me the fucking phone!” I heard my dad say on the other end.

  “Not until you calm down! They fell asleep—”

  “Fell asleep?! What the fuck were they doing in a bed?!”

  “Mia! Come home right now!” Mom ordered.

  I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Okay, we’re at Ocean Island Beach so I’ll be home in like an hour. I’m so sorry, Momma,” I repeated, feeling like I’d let them down again. “I’ll have Noah drive faster—”