Recollections of a Policeman

  Part XVI.

  THE LAW.

  The most litigious fellow I ever knew, was a Welshman, named Bones. Hehad got possession, by some means, of a bit of waste ground behind apublic-house in Hogwash Street. Adjoining this land was a yard belongingto the parish of St. Jeremiah, which the Parish Trustees were fencing inwith a wall. Bones alleged that one corner of their wall was advancedabout ten inches on his ground, and as they declined to remove it back,he kicked down the brick-work before the mortar was dry. The Trusteeshaving satisfied themselves that they were not only within theirboundary, but that they had left Bones some feet of the parish land toboot, built up the wall again. Bones kicked it down again.

  The Trustees put it up a third time, under the protection of apoliceman. The inexorable Bones, in spite of the awful presence of thisfunctionary, not only kicked down the wall again, but kicked thebrick-layers into the bargain. This was too much, and Bones was marchedoff to Guildhall for assaulting the brick-layers. The magistrate ratherpooh-poohed the complaint, but bound over Bones to keep the peace. The_causa belli_, the wall, was re-edified a fourth time; but when theTrustees revisited the place next morning, it was again in ruins! Whilethey were in consultation upon this last insult, they were politelywaited on by an attorney's clerk, who served them all with "writs" in anaction of trespass, at the suit of Bones, for encroaching on his land.

  Thus war was declared about a piece of dirty land literally not so bigas a door-step, and the whole fee-simple of which would not sell for ashilling. The Trustees, however, thought they ought not to give up therights of the parish to the obstinacy of a perverse fellow, like Bones,and resolved to indict Bones for assaulting the workmen. Accordingly,the action and the indictment went on together.

  The action was tried first, and as the evidence clearly showed theTrustees had kept within their own boundary, they got the verdict. Bonesmoved for a new trial; that failed. The Trustees now thought they wouldlet the matter rest, as it had cost the parish about one hundred andfifty pounds, and they supposed Bones had had enough of it. But they hadmistaken their man. He brought a writ of error in the action, whichcarried the cause into the Exchequer Court, and tied it up nearly twoyears, and in the meantime he forced them _nolens volens_ to try theindictment. When the trial came on, the judge said, that as the wholequestion had been decided in the action, there was no occasion for anyfurther proceedings, and therefore the Defendant had better beacquitted, and so make an end of it.

  Accordingly, Bones was acquitted; and the very next thing Bones did wasto sue the Trustees in a new action, for maliciously instituting theindictment against him without reasonable cause! The new action went onto trial; and it being proved that one of the Trustees had beenoverheard to say that they would punish him; this was taken as evidenceof malice, and Bones got a verdict for forty shillings damages besidesall the costs. Elated with this victory, Bones pushed on his old actionin the Exchequer Chamber to a hearing, but the Court affirmed thejudgment against him, without hearing the Trustees' counsel.

  The Trustees were now sick of the very name of Bones, which had become asort of bugbear, so that if a Trustee met a friend in the street hewould be greeted with an inquiry after the health of his friend, Mr.Bones. They would have gladly let the whole matter drop into oblivion,but Jupiter and Bones had determined otherwise; for the indomitableBriton brought a Writ of Error in the House of Lords, on the judgment ofthe Exchequer Chamber. The unhappy Trustees had caught a Tartar, andfollow him into the Lords they must. Accordingly, after another year ortwo's delay, the case came on in the Lords. Their Lordships pronouncedit the most trumpery Writ of Error they had ever seen, and againaffirmed the judgment, with costs, against Bones. The Trustees now taxedtheir costs, and found that they had spent not less than five hundredpounds in defending their claims to a bit of ground that was not of thevalue of an old shoe. But, then, Bones was condemned to pay the costs.True--so they issued execution against Bones; caught him, after sometrouble, and locked him up in jail. The next week, Bones petitioned theInsolvent Court, got out of prison, and, on examination of his schedule,his effects appeared to be L0 0_s._ 0_d._! Bones had, in fact, beenfighting the Trustees on credit for the last three years; for his ownattorney was put down as a creditor to a large amount, which was theonly satisfaction the Trustees obtained from perusing his schedule.

  They were now obliged to have recourse to the Parish funds to pay theirown law expenses, and were consoling themselves with the reflection thatthese did not come out of _their own pockets_--when they received theusual notification that a Bill in Chancery had been filed against them,at Mr. Bones's suit, to overhaul their accounts with the parish, and_prevent the misapplication of the Parish money_ to the payment oftheir law costs! This was the climax. And being myself a disciple ofCoke, I have heard nothing further of it; being unwilling, as wellperhaps as unqualified, to follow the case into the labyrinthic vaultsof the Court of Chancery. The catastrophe, if this were a tale, couldhardly be mended--so the true story may end here.