The Cougar Chronicles 2

  “What’s next?” Alli asks, and her speech is a bit slurry. I tell her that, and mine comes out slurry too.

  We titter and hold each other up, and Colby eyes us.

  “Maybe you should call it a night,” he suggests. “You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

  “What time is it?” I demand. Nevermind that it comes out Whattimeeshit.

  “Midnight,” Colby tells us. “Someone mentioned a limo. What time is it taking you home?”

  “Two,” I tell him. “We’ve got tattoos next.”

  “Tattoos?” Alli is shrieking now. “I always wanted one.”

  I nod. “I know. Tonight’s the night, lady.”

  “I’ll have to decide what to get,” she murmurs, drumming her fingers in the air, although she thinks they’re on the bar-top.

  I giggle. “I’ve already got it planned.” I bend and whisper it in her ear.

  “A cougar. For Alli-Cat. On your back, and it can be like… rawrrrr.”

  I motion with my paw. I mean, hand.

  She crows in delight at my brilliance.

  “Yes!”

  “Do you really think you should make this decision while drunk?” Colby is dubious.

  I glare at him. “I designed it when I was sober. And Alli trusts me.”

  “I trust her,” Alli confirms. “Most of the time.”

  “All the time,” I correct her.

  “Most of the time.”

  “Tomato, tomahtoe,” I finally decide. “We’ve gotta go. We have appointments, you and me, for the tattoo place at midnight. We’re late.”

  “Can you find the door?” Colby asks, and I think he might be serious.

  I examine the wall. “Yes.”

  No.

  I whisper to Alli. “Do you know the way out? This room is crowded.”

  “Follow me,” she stage whispers. Colby rolls his eyes.

  “Good lord, ladies. Come with me.”

  He weaves us through the room, and when we’re standing in front of the tattoo place, I look at him.

  “Can you have us back at the party by one-forty-five? We have to name the winners of the penis riding contest.”

  He shakes his head. “That’s not something you hear everyday, but yes. I’ll stay with you to make sure.”

  He walks us into the tattoo parlor, and when they call us back, he goes with Alli. And I’m left alone.

  For some reason, it makes me feel lonely.

  So, while the tattoo parlor spins around me, I talk with the tattoo artist, a big burly dude named Bubba. I’m not even kidding. He’s also got hairy forearms which feature a giant heart tattoo with Momma in the center. Again, I’m not even kidding.

  He has to ask me to repeat myself a lot, because apparently, I’m slurring. I seem to have a lot of spit in my mouth, too, so Bubba scoots a trashcan over to me in case I throw up.

  “I never puke when I’m drinking,” I tell him proudly. “Not ever. I bet I could outdrink you.”

  Bubba laughs and cleans my shoulder blade.

  “You’re sure this is what you want, right?” he double-checks. I nod.

  “Yeah. I told you. I want to honor this night.”

  “I’ll go get it ready, and be back in a jiff.”

  “K. I’m just going to rest my eyes,” I tell him. I close my eyes, which helps with the spinning ever so slightly.

  Bubba wakes me up when it’s over.

  “Sara? Wow. I’ve never really seen anyone sleep the entire time. You’ve got balls of steel,” he commends me.

  “Yes, I do,” I agree proudly.

  He pulls out a mirror and positions it for me. My shoulder blade burns and I glance into the mirror.

  A big red inflamed penis stares back at me. It has eyes and one of them is winking.

  I stare at it, then at Bubba.

  “You said a big penis that someone can ride,” he tells me, and for the life of me, even though it was just half an hour ago, I don’t remember that.

  “I thought I said something else,” I mutter. “But it’s ok. I can have it fixed later.”

  Who wants a penis on their back?

  When Alli comes out, she wants to see mine, but I put her off.

  “There’s no time,” I tell her. “We’ve got to get back to the party, then meet the limo. I’ll show you on the way home.”

  “Okay,” she agrees. “That hurt.”

  “I slept through mine,” I answer, and we rush back to the club. When we arrive, we study the list of times for the penis, and merely thinking of penis reminds me of my back.

  Lord. Who has a penis on their back?

  I do, apparently.

  We announce the winner, a woman named Carol that I worked with last year.

  She crows, and Matt the bartender gives her a chaste kiss on the cheek and she grabs his ass. He’s good-natured about it and pours her another drink.

  “You ready?” I ask Alli, glancing at the time. “We can make it.”

  She nods, holding onto the table. “Yeah. We can make it.”

  She takes a step, then wobbles. Then stops.

  “Right?” she looks at me. “We can make it?”

  “Of course,” I agree. My confidence is a lie, because I’m literally seeing three of Alli. So I do the only logical thing. I speak to the one in the middle.

  We hold each other up for two steps, before we both start swaying so much that Colby sighs.

  “Lord. Here. Each of you take an arm.”

  “But Alex will see you,” I protest as I hang from his bicep. Colby shrugs.

  “I’ll tell him I came back for the wedding as a surprise, which is true, and that I came here for a drink. Which is also true. I don’t have to mention the workshop.”

  “Don’t,” Alli advises. “Don’t mention that.”

  She’s hanging from his other bicep and I’m sure we look ridiculous as Colby pulls us out to the curb. Alli hitches at her shorts.

  “Why did you make me wear these ridiculous things?” she demands of me. “They pull at BB.”

  BB is her vagina, and she named it after I made her get a brazilian last year.

  “BB looks fantastic in them,” I assure her. “Beauty is pain, my love.”

  “You know that both of you are slurring to the point where I can’t understand you, right?” Colby asks us with only a slight shortness of breath. It’s pretty impressive considering that he’s got a hundred twenty pounds hanging off each arm.

  Alli and I titter because that’s hilarious, and then, then, we see Sam and Alex lounging on the limo, waiting for us. They both look calm, cool and collected, and for a minute, a long minute, I can see the benefits in a man my age.

  Sam is so mature as he watches us.

  Colby has that smooth-faced youth, but Sam has… character, and wisdom and charm.

  He eyes me now, and there is humor in his eyes.

  “Drink too much?” he asks unnecessarily. He unloops my arm from Colby. “I’ve got her.”

  “Colby! When did you get in?” Alex does his best to give his son a bear hug without dislodging Alli from his side. It’s apparent to everyone that she’ll collapse without support.

  “Just now,” Colby tells him. “I couldn’t miss your wedding. And then I bumped into these two, and well… they needed help getting to the car.”

  “I see that,” Alex observes. “Well, let’s load ‘em in.”

  “I love you,” Alli tells him as he carefully takes her from Colby. “I mean, I really really really love you, Alexander.”

  “Oh, you got the full name,” Colby chuckles. “Better watch it.”

  “You staying at the winery?” Alex asks him. But Colby shakes his head.

  “I’m meeting up with some friends tonight. But I’ll be out early tomorrow.”

  Alex hugs him again. “It’s so good to see your face.”

  We climb in and Colby watches us pull away, and I somehow am in Sam’s lap. It’s a good lap. Firm, with long legs. I pat at them. He swats my hands away. I
pat at them again.

  He shakes his head. “How much have you had to drink?”

  “So much,” I tell him honestly.

  “Sara,” Alli butts in. “You haven’t shown me your tattoo.”

  “Tattoos?” Alex and Sam respond at the same time, and everyone is interested, and I have no clue how I’m going to get out of this.

  “Show us yours first,” I stall. And Alli smiles at Alex. ‘You’re going to love this. It means Alli-Cat. You know, like you call me.”

  I choke a little, because Colby actually came up with the name, but Alli ignores me, hiking up her shirt and showing us her shoulder blade. A long, lithe cougar slinks down her shoulder, it’s green eyes sultry and slitted, and it has a fierce growl. It’s fantastic.

  I ooh and ahh over it, and Alex even likes it, and eventually, I can’t stall any more, because Alli turns to me.

  “Well? Show us yours.”

  “I can’t,” I tell her.

  “Why not?”

  “It’s not suitable for young children.”

  Alli levels a gaze at me. “There are no young children here.”

  “It’s wildly inappropriate,” I answer.

  She shrugs. “So are you, so whatever it is is perfect for you.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Do it,” she directs, and she’s firmer now. “The whole tattoo thing was your idea.”

  “But I’m dying,” I tell her. “My last wish is to not show you.”

  She rolls her eyes. “You’re going to die if you don’t show me.”

  “Fine,” I huff, yanking up my top. “But if you laugh, so help me, I’ll…”

  My words are interrupted as the entire car erupts in howling laughter.

  “You’ve got a penis on your back,” Alli’s eyes stream with tears and there’s no slurring now. “Oh my god. This is priceless. This is so Sara.”

  “It was an accident,” I growl. “I have no idea how he figured I wanted a penis on my back.”

  “You know it’s going to show in your bridesmaid dress,” Alli tells me. “Everyone is going to see.”

  “But it’s winking,” Sam points off. “It’s such a cute penis. Everyone will love it. Especially the kids.”

  I growl again, and I swear they laugh the rest of the way home.

  Fuckers.

  Thirteen

  I have a penis on my…what?

  I don’t remember getting into bed.

  I don’t remember anything after everyone laughed at my penis.

  All I know is I’m here now, and the sun is shining through the windows, and my head is splitting, and I have a penis on my back.

  Fuck.

  I jump out of bed, and ignore the twirling room, and examine it in the mirror.

  The cartoonish penis taunts me, winking at me, and I glare at it.

  It’s so going to show in my sleeveless bridesmaid gown.

  Mother Fuck.

  God, my head. It’s splitting apart.

  Digging through my overnight bag, I come up with a bottle and a jar…both organic wake-up products. Caffeinated eye serum, and caffeinated body lotion. I’ll need them both. And a couple gallons of water, and aspirin. STAT.

  I throw on a robe, and trudge to Alli’s room. She and Alex are intertwined in bed, and she’s wearing a beauty mask that says PRINCESS.

  “Why are you sleeping together?” I screech, rushing over to drag Alli up. “Close your eyes, Alex. It’s bad luck to see her today!”

  Alli is just waking up as I drag her down the hall to my room and close the door behind us. I lbrace myself against it, as though I’m warding off an intruder.

  “You can get up,” Alli moans. “He’s not coming in. Why are you up so early?”

  “Because it’s your wedding day, and we have things to do,” I tell her. I toss her the caffeinated products. “Put these on,” I instruct. “You’ll need them.”

  I examine her face, turning her chin to and fro. “Your bruise isn’t terrible,” I finally decide. “I’ll go get you some ice, and then we should be able to cover it up with make-up.”

  She collapses face-down onto the bed, and I set out for the kitchen to make an ice-pack. I mean, I did elbow her in the face. It’s the least I can do.

  Sam is already there, eating a bowl of cornflakes and drinking coffee. When I come in, he takes one look at me and hands me his cup. I take it gratefully and sink into a chair next to him.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. And you’re also welcome for undressing you last night and putting you into bed.”

  “You did that?” I’m startled and he grins. He has a cleft in his chin. Did I notice that before?

  “Yeah. Who did you think did it?” he chuckles and takes another bite and I shake my head.

  “I don’t remember.”

  “Do you remember the penis on your shoulder?” His eyes twinkle.

  “Yeah. I do remember that.”

  It’s regretful. I wonder if I should name it?

  “If you had a penis, what would you name it?” I ask him.

  “I do have a penis, and I’m not telling you it’s name.”

  “Why not?” I narrow my eyes. “Is it too small to name?”

  “Oh, yeah,” he drawls. “That’s it.”

  I somehow doubt it. I laid in his lap last night, and I sort of remember that it had a bulge. A big one.

  I start to say something, then decide against it.

  “So did you guys have fun?” I ask, and I find that I’m actually interested. Sam nods.

  “Yeah. We did exactly what Alex wanted to do. We hung out in a cigar bar, smoked some stogies and drank scotch.”

  I wrinkle my nose. “Seriously? Are you guys eighty?”

  He chuckles. “Someday, you’ll have to grow up, little Sara. And when you do, you’ll see that you don’t have to prove how young you are. You’ll learn that you’re enough just the way you are.”

  With that, he gets up and leaves.

  I stare after him, stunned.

  No one can say he doesn’t know how to make an exit.

  I gulp down my coffee and pour two more cups after I make an icepack. Returning to Alli, I sniff at her.

  “Your brother is rude,” I tell her. She pauses, then stares at me knowingly.

  “What did he call you out on?”

  “Nothing” I lie. “He’s just rude.”

  “Uh-huh. What did he call you out on?”

  “He thinks I’m trying too hard to stay young,” I admit, dropping onto the bed and inhaling my coffee. “He’s full of it.”

  “No, he’s not,” Alli answers cheerfully. “He’s right. You do try too hard. You’re perfect the way you are. I wish you could see that.”

  I stare at her and she rolls her eyes. “What? Surely you know that about yourself. Take your ‘relationship’ with Chazz, for example. You’re afraid of getting into a real relationship with someone your own age because you’re afraid that when they get to know you, they’ll find you lacking. Beneath all of your bluster and smart-assedness, you’re not as confident as you’d have us think.”

  “Bite your tongue, heathen!” I hiss. “I’m very confident. Why, just this month I went roller-blading on the Strip. In front of everyone!”

  She rolls her eyes again. “Who were you with?”

  I don’t answer. She nods.

  “I thought so. Roller-blading is for twenty year-olds. You’re…”

  I cut her off. “I know how old I am,” I snap. “And I know how old you are. So let’s get you ready for your wedding. We’ve got a bruise to cover.”

  That shuts her up and I almost feel bad, but I don’t. Instead, I slap the ice pack on her eye, and she holds it there.

  “In retrospect, getting a tattoo the night before your wedding might not have been the best timing,” I tell her. I eye her dress, then her shoulder. “Your dress will cover it, but the goop might get on it.”

  “Let’s just not put the goop on it until after I take
the dress off,” Alli suggests, in her logical way. “That shouldn’t hurt anything.”

  “Good idea.”

  “It was good thinking to put your things in here yesterday,” I tell her.

  She nods. “I have good ideas sometimes.”

  “If only your good ideas were around last night to stop my penis tattoo,” I grumble.

  She grins. “You should’ve had your big girl pants on. Then it wouldn’t have happened.”

  “Here,” I thrust the caffeinated skin products at her. “Go shower and buff yourself, then put these on. You’ve got to have fantastic skin this evening.”

  The morning light hits her bruise and I cringe.

  She narrows her eyes, which is dangerous, so I step away. “Go,” I shoo her. “Go bathe. You smell like vodka and cheap tricks.”

  “Your tricks,” she answers. “Good idea. I’ll go wash them off.”

  “Good girl.”

  She disappears into the guest bathroom, and I collapse into the chair by the window. As I do, I look out the window, and Sam is there, stretching. He’s in running shorts and a t-shirt, so I assume he’s going running, and I’m fascinated by the rippling muscles in his thigh.

  I didn’t know a forty-year old could look like that. His legs are long and strong, his shoulders are broad and his hands are big.

  You know what they say about big hands.

  I automatically look at his sneakered feet. They’re big, too.

  A smile stretches across my face before I can stop it.

  There’s no risk of a four-inch surprise with this one.

  Agh—not that it’s my business, because it’s not, because I’m not interested, because he’s too old.

  That’s that.

  Even still… my gaze keeps returning to him, and when he sets off down the drive with long strides, I watch him go.

  Lord, he looks good going.

  He’s muscular and strong and… FOCUS, SARA.

  I’ve got maid of honor stuff to do today. Never mind that I don’t know what exactly that is, besides making sure Alli is gorgeous. My planning ended with the party last night.

  I poke my head into the bathroom, where Alli is sprawled into the tub. She doesn’t even open her eyes.

  “I’m going to get you some cucumber slices for your eyes,” I tell her. “You stay there and soak.”