Forgiveness and Permission

  Is that how it worked? I understood only a few of them would be on the field at any given time. Wouldn’t it mean that fewer people would get to play? It just seemed odd. I tried to remember my old high school football team. I didn’t keep track but it didn’t seem like they had a hundred players, even if a lot more students wanted to be on the team.

  And didn’t Ashley Waters have a JV team? This was varsity. So two football teams with so many players seemed like a lot.

  “Sang,” Nathan said, dragging me out of my thoughts. He drug his phone out of his pocket. “Come here.”

  Nathan wrapped an arm around me and towed me into cuddling close. He held the phone out in front of our faces. “Smile.”

  I did my best, tucking my head next to his. The flash went off and he grinned, flipping the phone around to look at the result.

  “I said smile, not look like I’m about to kill you,” he said, smirking.

  I giggled. I lifted my hand, intending to point to the picture and show him where I was smiling, but he grabbed my hand, redirecting it to his mouth to chew on my finger.

  “Yeah,” he said, around my finger. “Let’s take this picture.”

  I leaned in again, and he used his free hand to push a finger into my mouth. I chewed on it, and he snapped another picture.

  He pulled my fingers from his mouth. “Better.”

  “Let’s take one, Kota,” I said.

  Kota had been focused on the field, but he turned, a smile lighting up his face. “If you’d like.”

  I pulled my phone out, trying to figure out the camera option. I hadn’t played with it at all. “I don’t know how this works.”

  Kota leaned in, pointing a forefinger. “Push this,” he said.

  With patience, he described the photo features of the phone. My heart fluttered a little as he told me a little more than I was able to absorb, but I couldn’t find it in me to stop him.

  “Okay,” I said once he paused, I leaned back, pointing the camera at his face. “Test this out.” I snapped a photo.

  He grinned for the flash, and I flipped the phone around to look at the picture.

  Kota’s cheeks tinted. “Missing part of the top of my head.”

  “I like it,” I said, feeling some sense of false pride for my first picture with the phone and the fact that he looked incredible no matter what. “Let’s get one of us.”

  “Let me hold it,” he said. He took my phone from me, holding it out like Nathan had done. I moved in. He tilted his head until we were nearly cheek to cheek. He flashed the picture. He flipped the phone around. “You blinked.”

  I laughed. “I’m terrible at pictures. Take it again. Move over a little bit.”

  This time I got up on my knees so my head was even with his. Leaning in, I wobbled. I clutched his shoulder to balance myself.

  Kota opened his arm up, pulling me close. I caught the scent of his sweet spice. I kept my arm around him, too, as he clicked for a picture.

  This one I really liked. I wasn’t blinking, and Kota looked happy. His face was usually so serious and in that shot, he shared that warm smile I really liked.

  “Perfect,” I said.

  Kota beamed.

  I twisted back, aiming the camera at Nathan and snapping a picture of him while he was dazed and looking at the field. He blinked at the flash, turning his head at me and grinning. I snapped another picture.

  “Now look what you’ve done,” Nathan said to Kota. “You taught her how to use it. She’ll fill her phone up.”

  “We’ll show her how to save them to the computer.”

  “I don’t have a computer,” I said. “Well there’s my dad’s in the living room ...”

  The corner of Kota’s mouth lifted. “Remind me to talk to Victor about a new computer for you.”

  My mouth popped open. “No, don’t ...”

  Nathan laughed, nudging me in the arm with an elbow. “Your fault. You opened your mouth.”

  After the singing of the national anthem and the other fanfare, the players ran off of the field so they could begin the game.

  “Now?” I asked Kota.

  He nodded, smiling. “Let’s see if we can get their attention.”

  “I’ll hold our seats,” Nathan said.

  I wasn’t sure we needed our seats held, because there still weren’t many people in our section of the stands.

  I followed close behind Kota down the stadium steps. This time when my pinkie found his, he nudged my finger away to take my whole hand. I realized how often I’d held the hands of the others, but Kota’s not as much. For the moment, I fell into a sense of what a real date must feel like. Excited by the event, my heart pounding at him being so close, an unbelievable sense of wanting to be there with him, half wishing not so many people were around.

  We made our way to the base level of the bleachers. While we were still a distance from the players on our side, I could see North and Silas better.

  I held out my phone over the top of the safety banister, trying to take a picture of Silas and North sitting together on the bench. I wasn’t sure how well the picture would come out. I thought it would look good to have Taylor and Korba sitting together looking out toward the field. I snapped a second photo just in case.

  Kota cupped his hands together in front of his mouth. “North!”

  North and Silas turned their heads simultaneously toward us. I was in time to snap a picture as recognition hit their faces and they started to smile. I moved the phone out of the way, smiling and waving.

  They stood together, jumped over the bench and dashed toward us, dodging around people walking by between the stadium stand. They broke into a run and went straight for the barrier. It spooked me enough that I took a step back away from the rail, wondering if there was something wrong.

  Kota stood by, and pressed a hand at my back. “Hang on,” he said, but rolled his eyes, as if he completely disapproved but wasn’t able to stop them.

  Silas and North started hefting themselves up the side of the high platform, grabbing the rail. When they were at the top, they leaned over it, reaching out for my arm. North grabbed my phone, and Silas grabbed me, pulling me up to stand with them on the rail of the stands.

  “Careful, guys,” Kota warned.

  “Hi, aggele mou,” Silas said, his broad smile radiating. He was already sweating under the lights and the padding on his already huge shoulders seemed to make him a giant.

  “Hi, Silas.”

  “Smile, Sang Baby.” North twisted the camera toward our faces.

  Silas and North leaned in. I hung over the rail to get between them. Silas pushed his cheek to my forehead and North buried his nose into my hair, snapping a picture. They shifted, Silas’s cheek found mine and North’s forehead touched mine. North snapped another picture.

  “Hey!” someone from the field called. “Take pictures on your own time.”

  “One more,” North said.

  I was leaning in again, staring at the camera in North’s hand, trying to be ready with a smile, despite being nervous someone was shouting at them. When North and Silas moved their heads close, I thought they were going to tilt in a different way.

  Instead, they pushed their noses to each of my cheeks, their lips smacking and making kissy faces. They didn’t touch, just hovered. When I realized what they were doing, I started laughing.

  North snapped the photo.

  “Taylor! Korba! I’m about to kick you both off my team.”

  “Gotta go to work, Baby,” North said, pushing the phone back into my hands.

  They dropped down together onto the grass, waved at us and rushed back to the bench. The coach waved a fist and shouted at them but they ignored it, sitting on the benches again.

  Hands found my waist. Kota had stepped up. He held me as I backed off down from the rail.

  “Got what you wanted?” he asked.

  I nodded, unable to stop smiling. “I can’t believe they did that.”

  “They’d do it ag
ain if you asked.”

  The words he said made me pause. “They’d get into trouble.”

  Kota’s smile softened. His hand found mine and he clutched it. “Let’s go before you’re tempted to try.”

  JEALOUSY

  About half way into the third quarter, North and Silas were still on the bench. Kota and Nathan conspired that the coach might be mad at them for pulling the photo stunt earlier. Ashley Waters was on the brink of gaining ground every quarter, but never took the lead.

  I was freezing. The metal seat below my butt seemed to bite into my skin. Despite Kota and Nathan sitting close next to me, a breeze occasionally picked up around them, and it seeped right into my bones.

  I rattled with shivers as another wind caught me in the back.

  Kota glanced over, his eyes meeting mine. He raised an eyebrow. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m fine,” I said, not wanting to be a nuisance. I remembered what he told me earlier and was expecting to hear him say he told me so and I didn’t want that.

  His green eyes bore into mine, as if picking apart the lie I’d just uttered and finding the truth underneath. “Cold?”

  I blushed. Caught. “A little.”

  A soft smirk touched his lips. He shifted, unzipping the hoodie he wore and placed it over my shoulders. “Tell me when you need something,” he said softly.

  “What’s wrong?” Nathan asked, watching as I stuffed my arms into Kota’s hoodie.

  “She was cold,” Kota said.

  “Well shit.” Nathan backed away for a second as I finished putting the hoodie on. When I was done and had my legs up and my arms in my lap to warm up, Nathan hooked his arm around my back, putting a hand on my shoulder and pulling me into him. “Can’t have you freezing.”

  I glanced back at Kota, unable to hide my surprise and partial embarrassment. They both had held my hand in front of each other but Nathan’s move, while he seemed to mean well and did it absentmindedly, felt possessive. It was the sort of thing I’d worried about. What happens when someone made it clear they were interested in something more than friendship? Was I supposed to say something?

  As I was trying to think of a poor joke to get Nathan to back off a little in a friendly way for Kota’s sake, Kota’s face changed. His lips set. His eyes drew serious. He slid closer to me. With his thigh touching mine, he sought out my hand, clutched it and drew it into his lap, holding it between his hands.

  “Your fingers are cold,” he said.

  “They are?” Nathan asked, blinking after him and seeming oblivious to the entire situation. Nathan collected my other hand, popping one of my fingers into his mouth.

  My heart thundered. With both of them being so obvious about their affection, I felt numb. I concentrated on the field, seeking out Silas and North, and waiting for something to happen so I could comment. Nathan chewed my fingers. Kota’s smooth fingertips slid against my palm. Both touches made me shiver with delight and, at the same time, pray that they stopped in an effort to avoid any problems.

  But nothing happened. The game continued. Nathan eventually popped my fingers out of his mouth just to hold my hand in his lap as he complained about a bad call. Kota agreed with him, reciting a rule to me to let me know what was going on. As the minutes ticked off on the clock on the scoreboard, my nerves started to settle. Since they weren’t saying anything, they had to be okay with the situation. It made me think about what North had said about trusting the others to make their own decisions and understand that they probably knew what they were doing.

  I breathed a sigh, trying to let go and let them take over.

  Kota glanced over at me as if sensing me relaxing. His green eyes lit up behind his glasses and his smile softened. He collected my hand in his lap, brought it to his mouth and gave the tip of my index finger a gentle bite.

  “Oh, hell no,” Nathan said, smirking after him. “That’s our thing.”

  Kota laughed. “I just wanted to ...”

  “Nope,” Nathan said, shaking his head. He shoved two of my fingers into his mouth. “Mine.”

  He was taking claim. I stiffened, unsure.

  Kota smirked at me. “Do we need a thing?”

  I wanted to shrug and pretend it was no big deal, but I felt he might be insulted, like Nathan was allowed to do something special with me but I wasn’t going to let him. “I suppose we do.”

  Kota quietly let go of me, lifting his hands and smoothing out his fingertips across my cheeks. He cupped my face, zeroed in on me, bringing his face to hover over mine.

  My breath escaped me, dazzled by his suddenness. Was he about to kiss me here in front of everyone?

  “Whoa,” Nathan said, his arm wrapped around my shoulders to tug me back. “Dude, you can’t ...”

  Kota paused and lifted his head, blinking in confusion. “Why? We’ve done it before.”

  Nathan’s mouth fell open, dropping my fingers from his mouth. “What? You’re shitting me.”

  Kota raised an eyebrow, as if confused. He turned back to me. He pressed his palms to my cheeks. He lowered his face.

  His nose nudged against mine, sweeping back and forth and nuzzling.

  My own mouth opened in surprised and I started giggling. I’d forgotten about the night when I’d dared him to do this very thing. A shudder swept through me. His breath on my skin did tricks to my heart and stomach that felt similar to the other night when Nathan first started chewing on my fingers. Tingling. Breathless. My mind blanked. The crowd around us, the game going on, it all disappeared.

  He backed off a couple of inches. His eyes sought out mine, penetrating through me with silent questions as if asking me if this was okay.

  The best I could offer in reply was a warm, curious smile.

  He lit up again, beaming. He claimed my hand again and held it in his lap, backing away.

  I was sitting with my hands spread out, one in Kota’s lap, the other hanging from Nathan’s lap. If the other students around us were paying attention, I bet they were as confused as I felt.

  The crowd started roaring. I’d been so distracted by Kota and Nathan that I hadn’t followed the field. There was a change of players. One of the players was supported by another team member as he limped off the field.

  The coach was shouting. Silas and North leapt up from the bench and started heading out onto the field.

  “About time,” Kota said.

  I agreed, elated. I didn’t want them to sit out the first game.

  Nathan held that serious expression, his blue eyes glued to the field. I scooted onto the edge of my seat, almost ready to bounce up. Kota’s hands clutched my hand tighter.

  The football was tossed, Silas and North made contact, taking down two opposing players.

  Nathan hooted.

  “That’s good?” I asked, nervous that perhaps Silas and North might be hurt. They’d thrown themselves at the other players and landed hard.

  “Yeah, they’ve got their first tackles in,” Nathan said. “We want them to keep this up. They need to show the team they can get the job done.”

  I sucked in a breath and held it and at the same time gripped their hands back.

  When the players on the field were in position again, the ball was thrown. Silas took out one player. The football was spiraling in the air. North leapt over Silas, using Silas’s back to launch himself, caught the ball in the air, falling to the ground as a ton of other players landed on top of him.

  I stood, ripping my hands from Nathan and Kota and staring off down at the football players, my heart in my throat. It seemed impossible that North wasn’t hurt. There were ten guys on him. Flashes of seeing them in fights in school had my mind on a rampage.

  Nathan and Kota stood up next to me, eyes tensed, lips taunt with concern.

  The players started to clear off. Referees nudged the players, and they released North.

  North had the ball clutched in his hands, drifting up to a kneeling position to show possession.

  Nathan pumpe
d his fist. “Yeah! We’ve got the ball.”

  I inched back, hand over my chest, relieved to see North on his feet. Football was nerve wracking.

  I felt a pair of eyes on me, not Nathan's or Kota's. I scanned the crowd, looking for the source.

  A thin kid in glasses sat a few bleachers away. He wore tan slacks and a faded green polo shirt that looked to be a bit small on his frame. When I met his gaze, he blinked hard a few times, like it was unexpected that I’d notice. I recognized him, but it took me a moment to realize it was a student I'd sat next to in the courtyard not too long ago.

  He blushed and grimaced. I understood. Sometimes being shy, I would get caught up in watching who I thought was normal, too. In empathy, I lifted my hand, and did a small finger wave. I wanted him to know it was okay. Don’t be embarrassed.

  His head jerked back shortly, as if surprised I'd responded. He lifted his hand, waving a little. I smiled. He seemed nice. Was he by himself?

  "What's going on?" Kota asked. With the way he shifted, he blocked my view.

  "Nothing," I said. "Just saying hello."

  He turned slightly, catching where I was looking. His eyes squinted. "To who?"

  "To ..." I started to say and shifted to look around him, but the boy was gone. "Oh, uh. I guess he left."

  Kota looked at me curiously, but squeezed my hand.

  I waited until Kota seemed distracted with the game again before I looked for the boy, but he had disappeared. I hoped I hadn’t spooked him or he felt bad for staring.

  We were still standing as the players switched out for the offensive team to take the field. Kota stiffened next to me, and yanked his phone out of his back pocket, glancing at the screen. He pushed a button, holding it to his ear. He listened quietly.

  I couldn’t help but watch. The expression he wore brimmed with eerie concern. I couldn’t imagine who it could be. His family was home, we were all accounted for. There couldn’t be a school fight that called him into saving someone.

  As he listened to the caller, his eyes fell on me. He frowned. “I’ll be right there,” he said into the phone and hung up.

  “What is it?” I asked, ready for him to say Academy work, and already disappointed. We’d have to leave.