Forgiveness and Permission

  Nathan grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. “They probably have to go. They’re under orders to try to fit in with the football team. They want to get those kids to trust them.”

  My heart sunk. So it wasn’t really even fun Silas was thinking about. He had to work and was asking if I’d tag along. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. “Should I tell him I can’t go?”

  “The question is, do you want to go?” Kota asked. “Is being in a drunken mess with a bunch of teenagers where you want to be Friday night?”

  When he put it like that, I didn’t. Outside of Silas and North, I’d be around a group of strangers. But I didn’t want to abandon Silas, either. “It’s not ideal, but if Silas and North have to go, maybe that’s why he asked. Is it better if I went with them and kept them company?”

  “Silas and North can take care of themselves,” Kota said.

  “Aw, come on, Kota,” Nathan said. “I’ll go to the football game with her if she wants. Then I’ll take her to the party with them. She can see what it’s like and if there’s a problem or if she’s uncomfortable, I’ll leave with her and Silas and North can stay. He probably was just inviting her so she had a chance to get out of the house.”

  “There’s other places to take her besides something like that.”

  “Then you should have asked her out before he did, huh?” Nathan snapped back.

  My heart stopped. Was this about where Silas wanted to take me or about Kota preferring I go with him somewhere he wanted? “I ... I don’t have to go,” I stammered. I didn’t know what to do, but I didn’t want to make Kota angry with me. Why couldn’t they just tell me what they wanted?

  Kota and Nathan locked their eyes on me until I cringed into my seat. This seemed to break through their dour faces.

  Kota nudged the bridge of his glasses. “Sang, I’ll take you if you want.”

  “I can go,” Nathan said.

  It was okay now? It didn’t seem like either of them was excited about this. “We don’t ...”

  “No,” Kota said, sitting back and crossing his left ankle over his right thigh, rocking his foot. “You’re right. Silas wouldn’t have asked you unless he thought it was fine. We’ll take you to the game. You can go to the party.”

  I wanted to feel excited about it, but instead I felt as miserable as when he told me I shouldn’t go. I forced a smile. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as he thought. Maybe we’d have fun.

  Still, I couldn’t get rid of the pit of fear in my stomach. This was more complicated than having a nice evening at a football game.

  ♥♥♥

  Nathan followed me home that night. Since his dad was never around, he spent the night more often than the others because he wasn’t missed. We stopped by his house so he could collect fresh clothes for tomorrow and check the house.

  That evening, after I’d changed into shorts and a tank top to sleep in, he stood by the light until I climbed into bed. He flicked the light off and joined me. If anyone at school knew about this, they’d probably assume a lot about our relationship. Teenagers don’t normally sleep together like this. I knew that.

  For us, though, it’d evolved from almost a necessity from when my parents were there to something we just did. I probably should have told him he could go home and not worry about me, but I didn’t really want to, and he never brought it up.

  Nathan slipped under the covers with me, opening his arm up. I slipped in next to him, pressing my back to his chest. It was the most comfortable way to sleep next to him. When the others slept over, we were usually back to back. Occasionally they threw an arm over mine or a foot ended up on my ankle. Nathan and I evolved from that somehow to me backed up into his arms and it felt too weird to sleep any other way.

  Nathan’s breath fell onto my neck. I pressed my finger to my mouth. Despite having done this a few times, it still made me nervous at first until he fell asleep. He was handsome. They all were. What would happen when some girl was interested in dating him and he had to stop this? Another girl wouldn’t understand why he slept next to me. I’d worry about Victor or Kota or North wondering about us sleeping in the same bed, but they all did it, too, and often knew when Nathan was here.

  Although I wasn’t too sure if they knew how we slept wrapped up together.

  His fingers found my elbow, and traced up my forearm to where my fingers touched my lip. He curled his fingers over mine, closing my fist and pulling my hand away. “Don’t do that,” he murmured against my hair.

  “Why?”

  “I can’t stand it.”

  “It’s dark. You couldn’t see it.”

  He huffed. “You stiffened. You put your finger in your mouth when you’re nervous. Stop being nervous around me.”

  “I don’t put it in my mouth,” I said, afraid to even address the other part.

  “You do it all the time.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Oh yeah?” He brought his fingers to my lips, poking at my mouth. “Teacher asks you a question.” He poked at my lips. “Mr. Blackbourne says your name.” Poke. “Class is dismissed and you have to walk with me to the next one.” Poke. “I ask you what you want for dinner.”

  This time before he could poke me, I opened my mouth. When his finger slipped between my teeth, I bit down gently. I didn’t want to hurt him. I was annoyed that he was right and didn’t want to admit it so I was deflecting.

  “Hey,” he called, yanking his finger out of my mouth. “No biting.”

  “You put your finger in my mouth. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

  He chuckled next to me. “Do I taste good?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t get a chance to taste.”

  He harrumphed, sticking his fingers against my lips again.

  I parted my teeth and he slipped a forefinger inside. I bit down, wrapping my lips around his finger up to his knuckle and gently chewed. “Tasty,” I said around his finger in my mouth.

  Nathan started laughing, his body shaking behind me. He prodded my mouth with another finger and I chewed on that one. “What’s it taste like?”

  I mumbled that he tasted funny. Really, it was salty.

  “What?”

  “Funny,” I said louder around his fingers, but with the mumbling it sounded more like honey.

  “Honey?” he asked. He started laughing. “Now you’re being nice.”

  I snickered, chewing on his fingers still. It was weird, like chewing on the end of a pen. Once you started, it felt comfortable.

  “What do you taste like?” he asked.

  I moved the hand that had been at my mouth behind me, shoving toward his face. His lips wrapped around my forefinger and he bit down, a relaxed grazing.

  A strong shiver swept over my spine, enough to get me to open my mouth as I worried I’d bite harder than I thought I should. When he stuck his finger in my mouth, it didn’t bug me at all. Feeling his lips against my skin, and the scratch of his teeth, it sent my heart into a spin and I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t sure if I should feel that way about it. After all, I’d been chewing on his fingers and he didn’t seem rattled like I did now.

  “Mmm,” Nathan said around my fingers. His molars slipped back and forth against my forefinger.

  I swallowed to find my voice, trying to sound amused like he’d been earlier. To me, though, I sounded different. Dryer. Huskier. “What’s it taste like?”

  He collected my hand to pull my finger out of his mouth. “Peanuts.”

  I laughed, breaking the shock I’d felt. “Bad?”

  “No,” he said, and he popped my finger into his mouth again. “I like it. Peanut tastes like peanuts.”

  “So I have to call you Honey, now?”

  “Yup,” he said, chewing.

  I giggled. His finger traced at my lips and I absentmindedly opened my mouth. His finger touched my tongue and I bit down, pushing his finger to the side of my mouth so I could chew on it.

  But as he chewed on my finger, the spinning my
heart was doing wasn’t fading. The more he did it, the more I wondered if this was almost like he was kissing my finger. Was he thinking the same thing? Did this mean he liked me more than just a friend?

  “Sang,” he mumbled, his tone so much softer than before.

  My heart thundered. “Hm?”

  “Maybe this weekend you can sleep over at my house. Like after the party and maybe Saturday night, too. If you want.”

  I didn’t have a reason to say no. We were sleeping in the same bed, now. What did it matter where we slept? Maybe it did matter or he wouldn’t have asked. I sensed it in the way he asked. This was something more personal. My mind was blank at what I was supposed to do. “Tired of pink sheets, huh?” Lame. Best I could come up with was a terrible joke.

  He laughed around my finger. “I thought maybe Silas might have a good idea. This house is depressing. And I’ve got the pool and the Xbox and all that.”

  “The pool sounds like a good idea.”

  He bit a little harder against my finger. “Yeah, yeah. Take advantage of me for my pool.”

  I giggled around his finger. “If you say so, Honey.”

  He sucked at my finger to accumulate his saliva before he pulled it out of his mouth, collecting my hand and holding it in his strong grasp. “Peanut?”

  “Yes?” I asked, turning onto my back so I could look at him, keeping his finger in my mouth. Now that it was there, it felt comfortable.

  With only dim street lights glowing from the window, I couldn’t see the blue of his eyes, but he did carry that serious expression. “Stay safe tomorrow, okay? I won’t be there, but make sure you stick by the others. Don’t let McCoy get anywhere near you.”

  He’d been out of school before for Academy business, but he never sounded so worried about it. I sucked gently at his finger to pull it from my mouth. “I should be okay. I think I'm under orders to run away if I see him. And I will because I don’t like him.”

  The corner of his mouth lifted up. “We’ll train you in self-defense this weekend. I swear. I wish we had time this week.”

  “One thing at a time,” I said.

  He nodded, picking my hand up in his, bringing it to his mouth. His eyes locked on mine in the dark, and he put his lips to the back of my hand. He kissed the spot just behind my knuckles. He smoothed his thumb over the spot. He singled out a finger and pulled it in his mouth again and chewed.

  The rattling of my spine, shaking of my fingers and crazy spinning of my heart returned. Nathan kissed my hand. That meant something. Tingling radiated the area he kissed. A surge of worry swept over me as I realized I may have made a terrible mistake. Victor might be okay with us sleeping in the same bed, but what would he think if Nathan started kissing me?

  And why did I have the crazy urge to let him if he tried?

  I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. If I didn’t do something, I thought Nathan would feel awkward for doing it. At the same time, I didn’t want this to go too far and disappoint everyone. Would it be disappointing? Trying to make everyone happy was so complicated.

  I sunk down next to him, as if trying to get ready to sleep. At the same time, I pushed his hand to my mouth. I puckered, brushed my lips at the tip of his finger, and opened my mouth again to chew like he was chewing mine.

  When I started falling asleep, his finger was still in my mouth.

  ZOMBIES

  I was only half awake when I sensed Nathan picking up my hand, his lips brushing the top of it.

  “I’ll see you later, Peanut,” he whispered.

  The next time I could draw myself out of sleep, sometime before dawn, his side of the bed was cold.

  When I woke again, it was a dream that had me tossing and moaning in my bed. I sat up quickly, glancing at the clock. I was running late. I was too used to one of the boys being there in the morning to wake me.

  I jumped up, grabbing my phone and forced a text as I scrambled for clothes to wear and headed to the bathroom.

  Sang: North, I had a dream but I’m running late. Tell you at school?

  North didn’t reply before I managed to get ready. I was barely aware of Marie moving in the house, getting ready herself. I zipped downstairs and out the door.

  Kota was parked in the drive. I ran out, but he popped out of the car, ran around and opened the door for me.

  I blushed. “Thank you,” I said.

  He beamed. “You’re welcome. And good morning.”

  He shut the door for me, dashed around the car and got in, putting the car into reverse.

  At the same time, my phone buzzed in my shirt. I yanked it out, hitting the button.

  “Tell me,” North said.

  I side glanced at Kota, who looked curiously at me but re-focused on the road. I was slightly embarrassed that Kota was listening now. I was almost used to calling North about the dreams. I couldn’t keep North waiting. “There were zombies,” I said, trying to remember exactly what it was.

  “And?” North asked.

  “And I was with a group of people in a house trying to sit it out until dawn. The other people were getting anxious. One went ballistic, opening the door and ran out into the zombies. I was trying to close the door but once he went, the others wanted to go, too. I tried to talk them out of it, but I woke up as the last of them started running out the door.”

  “So you were talking and no one was listening to you,” he said.

  “I guess so.” And zombies! Gross!

  “Were the others fighting and surviving as they left?”

  “What do you mean?”

  North yawned into the phone. “I mean were you afraid for their safety, but when they got outside, were they fine in the end?”

  I tried to remember. “I don’t know. They dashed out and disappeared. I thought they were going to get eaten.”

  “Do you know for sure they wouldn’t have gotten eaten if they stayed in the house?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe they knew something you didn’t.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Maybe you need to trust other people to be able to make their own decisions,” he said.

  That might have been true about me, but in the dream, it didn’t seem like the case. “I thought if they all stayed in the house, we’d all make it.”

  “You can’t save everyone,” he said. “You also can’t make choices for everyone else. Maybe instead of telling them what to do, like stay in the house where you thought it was safe, you should have asked what they knew. Go on a little faith that they’re probably smarter than you give them credit. They probably felt they had a good reason to run off.”

  I sucked in a breath, glancing at Kota. Kota smiled encouragingly at me, looking curious and waiting patiently for his turn to ask me what it was all about.

  North was probably right, and I knew he wasn’t referring to the dream any more. He meant the dream reflected my real life, and more than likely them since they were practically my world now.

  “Sang Baby,” North said.

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re going with us Friday?”

  “Yes, Kota and Nathan want to take me to the game before.” I was grateful for the chance to change the subject.

  “Good. Talk to you at school.”

  I hung up, letting the phone slip out of my hand and onto the floor of the car as I sat. I picked my feet up, wrapping my arms around my knees.

  “How are you doing, Sang?” Kota asked.

  I twisted my head, watching him drive into the parking lot. We were around each other a lot, but it was the first time I’d really been alone with Kota in a while. “I feel ... weird,” I said as honestly as I could.

  Kota chuckled. “Regret that we ran into each other yet?”

  My eyes widened. Was he serious? “No, of course not.”

  “Just checking.”

  I pursed my lips. “Do you regret it?”

  He pulled into a spot, throwing the car into park and shut off the engine before tur
ning to me, putting his hand on the seat behind my head. “Kinda wished I had met you sooner,” he said quietly.

  His green eyes glinted behind his glasses. My fingers shook against my stomach and my heart did another flip flop. I craved this look from him, but at the same time it was the one where I felt he could see into me, and I was too scared to let him do it for long. I lowered my gaze to avoid his eyes, only to stop short at his mouth and chin.

  His hand by my head moved, touching my chin, which was all he needed to do for my eyes to lift and meet his again. He parted his lips as if he wanted to say something, but stopped. This time his eyes lowered down, focusing on my mouth.

  I froze, stiffened in the seat. I didn’t know what it would be like for someone to kiss me. I had no idea how to tell when someone wanted to but everything in my being told me Kota wanted to. My mind blanked out. A kiss. From Kota. And I wanted it.

  The moment passed. Kota’s cheeks tinted and he let go of my chin. “Let’s go before the others start wondering.”

  That was it? What happened? I wondered if he thought about it and decided he didn’t want to. I felt open, vulnerable and he’d pulled back. Did he see something he didn’t like?

  I collected my bag and my phone. Kota grabbed my violin case, even though I didn’t want him to. I stared at the ground as we walked together toward the school. He did grab my hand, holding it in his, but I couldn’t look at him. Instead, my heart sunk. I blamed myself. Kota was a friend. I didn't know a thing about relationships. He didn’t want a kiss. I shouldn't assume.

  I tried to perk up when we entered the courtyard and the others were there. It was better this way. They were all friends. I didn’t want them angry with each other or jealous. I didn’t know what they wanted from me, but maybe I was reading too much into it. They wouldn’t want to kiss or date someone like me. I’d have to hold my feelings back.

  But my feelings were hard to tame. Most of the morning, I thought about Nathan kissing my hand, Silas asking me out, and what I’d thought was the almost kiss with Kota. The other guys, too, did things around me that made it even more difficult to look at them for even a moment without wondering what each guy would think if he knew.