Deeper We Fall

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be dumping this on you.”

  “It’s okay, Mrs. Davis. I’m just sorry I can’t do more.”

  “Oh, sweetie, you’ve done more than a sister would have done, and I’m so grateful, but you have to have your own life. You’re in college now and you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and that doesn’t include taking care of Lexie. I’m her mother, that’s my job.”

  I’d always hated it when people talked about being a parent as a job. Like it was something that was forced on you, something you were obligated to do. Not something that was a joy, a reason to get up in the morning. Not something that you were blessed with.

  I glanced at Lexie, with her face mashed against the window and thought about the time when I’d had a crush on this guy, Andrew. We were in sixth grade, at a dance, and Lexie convinced me somehow to go up to him and ask him to slow dance.

  Unlike in our fantasies, where the guys would smile and sweep us off our feet and then we’d go and make out under the bleachers and live happily ever after, he stuttered and said no. Crushed, I went and cried myself out on Lexie’s shoulder in the bathroom before she went up to him and verbally castrated him in front of all his friends before spreading a rumor about the microscopic size of his penis that followed him all the way through high school. That was Lex though. Extreme in every aspect of her life. It wasn’t until after the accident her mother found out about her secret self-inflicted navel piercing. By then it didn’t matter.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I said, sitting back in my seat.

  Kay whispered something under her breath, but I heard it anyway.

  “I wish you would.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Zan

  Zack texted me later that afternoon, asking if I wanted to go for a run with him. I usually ran alone, but then I could tell him to call Mom and he could fulfill his mandatory brotherly time and I could get another run in. It wasn’t exactly an ideal situation, but I’d suck it up.

  “Hey bro,” he said, showing up at my door in a wife beater and black shorts. I had my long sleeves and pants on, as usual.

  “Dude, it’s like a million degrees out. Why don’t you lose the sleeves?” He knew why. “You’ve got the tat now. Girls love shit like that.” My eyes found his scars, several criss-crossing his legs, and a few on his arms. Mostly from broken glass when we’d all be thrown from the car. His injuries were the least severe of the three of us. Even then, he’d gotten lucky.

  I shook my head and closed my door behind us.

  “You should call Mom. Steve wants to know how that new workout thing is going.” Steve and Zack had spent nearly the entire summer devising a new workout regimen for Zack that would make him faster, stronger, better. As if he wasn’t already.

  “I have been such a slacker. It’s just been so nice to have some alone time with Katie without worrying about her mom walking in and asking us if we want some cookies.” Dear sweet Regina. She thought the sun shined out of Zack’s ass. Just like everyone else.

  “Did I tell you about that time she actually did that?” He laughed as we exited the building. “I was right in the middle and she just barged in. I thought Katie was going to die.”

  He jogged in place and earned a few approving glances from a pair of girls strolling by. He grinned and winked and checked out their asses. I was beginning to regret this.

  “Come on, I’ll race you.” He shoved me in the chest and took off. I waited a half second and followed. Zack may have been stronger than I was in the muscle department, but I could kick his ass when it came to speed. All those muscles caused too much wind resistance.

  I soon caught up with him as we dodged pedestrians and made our way down to the track that looped around the football field. Zack always preferred the track to the unpredictability of the woods.

  I slowed to a jog and he fell into line beside me.

  “You got laid yet?” Zack was terrible at starting conversations.

  “I’m celibate now.”

  “Bullshit. There’s plenty of girls here. What’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m just not into that anymore.”

  “Wouldn’t have anything to do with Hottie Lottie, would it?”

  “Can you not call her that?”

  “That answers my question, then.”

  “Shut up.”

  “You are such a pussy.”

  “Do you really think she’s going to go for the guy who she hates more than Satan?”

  “That was a long time ago.”

  “Two years isn’t a long time.”

  “Why don’t you just work your freak angle? Lots of girls will go for that. Find someone else.”

  I’d done someone else. I’d done a lot of someone elses, and I was done with it. So done.

  Sensing he was hitting a brick wall, Zack changed direction.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come out with us maybe next weekend. No pressure. You don’t have to talk to anyone. You can sit in the corner and be weird and I’ll try to convince you to play beer pong and you’ll tell me how much you hate beer and we’ll both get drunk and wind up passed out naked on the lawn. Sounds epic, right?”

  I just shook my head as we passed a half-naked girl going in the opposite direction. Zack gave her a whistle and chuckled.

  “Don’t you want to be bad again? I know you do. It calls to you.”

  “Doesn’t mean I have to answer.”

  He just sped up and kept laughing. I put on a surge of speed and shoved him and he almost fell, but regained his balance and shoved me back. We did another lap of running and shoving until we both collapsed in a heap on the hard surface.

  “Bastard,” he said, coughing. He punched my right shoulder, wary of staying away from my left, where my scars were.

  “Asshole.” I got him in the stomach. “Remember that time we counted punches?”

  “I thought Mom was going to have a heart attack when she saw the bruises. I still say that I won that one.”

  “You are so full of shit. I took twenty two and you only took twenty. We counted out loud, remember?”

  We were such idiots.

  “Well, I did save your life, so I’ll say you won the punching contest, and now we’re even.”

  I shut my mouth and nodded.

  When we were kids, we’d been playing hockey on a pond near our house on thin ice. I’d fallen through, and Zack had dived in and pulled me out. We both ended up in the hospital for hypothermia, but he was hailed as a hero, and even interviewed by the local news station. He’d never let me forget it.

  “You hungry? I could go for a burger.” He hocked a spit wad and shot it out onto the ground. “Come on.” He held his hand out and pulled me up.

  “Sperm to worm?” It was the same thing he’d said when he pulled me out of the pond. Brothers for life.

  “Cradle to grave,” I answered.

  Lottie

  “I’d rather stay home and watch a black and white movie than go out and get drunk. At least I’ll remember it in the morning,” Audrey said Monday after class.

  “Exactly.” It was like she was taking my thoughts and saying them out loud.

  “Plus, the guys are a lot sexier. I mean, you set Mr. Darcy on a horse next to some frat boy with a keg, and who do you want to sweep you off your feet?”

  It was freaky how much we had in common.

  I still hadn’t broached the Will topic, but he wouldn’t shut up about it ever since he found her on Facebook and started stalking her.

  “Are you free at noon? I’m meeting my brother at the Union for lunch.”

  “Um, yeah, sure.” She seemed hesitant. She probably smelled the set-up.

  “Cool. I’ll meet you in front of the taco place.”

  “Sounds good. Listen, I gotta get to poly sci, but I’ll see you then.”

  “Bye,” I said, and we parted.

  I texted Will saying that all systems were go for the set-up and he sent a smiley face back. I
could just picture him. He was at least much more presentable now that his hair was shorter. He looked more surfer dude and less I-smoke-so-much-pot-I-don’t-care-about-how-long-my-hair-gets-or-what-I-look-like.

  ***

  “Where is she?” Will said when I met him in front of the taco place in the Student Union. It was supposed to be like a Taco Bell, but they couldn’t call it that, so it was called the Salsa Hut.

  Potato, tomato, as Will would say.

  “Keep your shirt on, she’s coming. She texted me like, two seconds ago saying she was on her way. Oh, there she is.” I spotted Audrey’s gorgeous hair from the entrance. She was one of those girls who always looked like they had a wind machine on them. Her hair moved in a non-existent breeze as she walked.

  “Christ,” Will said under his breath.

  “Close your mouth,” I said. He had, indeed, been gaping.

  “Hey,” she said, her eyes flicking over Will and then settling back on me. I tried to ignore the uneasy expression on her face.

  “This is Will, my brother. Will, this is Audrey Valdez.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Will said. Audrey nodded. I could already taste the awkward.

  “I’m going to get in line for nachos,” I said to try and break the moment.

  “That sounds good,” Audrey said.

  “After you,” Will said, stepping back so Audrey could go behind me. The only time Will was chivalrous was when he was really, really trying to impress a girl. Once he had her impressed, he went back to his normal ways.

  “Thanks,” she said, giving him a quick glance before stepping behind me. I really felt the need to make conversation while we waited, but I didn’t want to blurt out any of Will’s embarrassing stories. There were just so many…

  I risked a quick glance over my shoulder and saw Will checking Audrey out from behind.

  Fuck me, he mouthed at me. It took all my strength not to roll my eyes. We all got our food and found an empty table, which was hard to do in the middle of the lunch rush. Will hurried to pull Audrey’s chair out for her. As an afterthought, he did the same for me.

  “Why Will, did you take gentleman lessons?” He shot me a shut up Lottie look. I just smiled sweetly and sat down, crossing my ankles.

  Will ended up sitting next to Audrey, and she kept throwing him nervous glances, like he was a vampire about to bite her. I was going to have to apologize for this later when Will was gone.

  “So, Lottie says you’re a poly sci major? What do you want to do with that?”

  “I’ll probably end up going to law school. Both my parents are lawyers.” I’d told him this already, but he had to start the conversation somewhere.

  “That’s intense. I bet you couldn’t get away with anything.”

  “I never had to,” she said. Uh oh. The awkward now had now morphed into tension. I kicked Will’s foot under the table. This was all his fault.

  “Do you live on campus?” Creepy, Will. Now she’s going to think you’re a stalker.

  “Yeah, in Halscock.” If Audrey wasn’t a hot girl he wanted to impress, Will probably would have made a penis joke. I could tell he really, really wanted to.

  She didn’t elaborate. The tension was starting to stink.

  “Have you started that paper that’s due next week?”

  “I just wrote an outline,” she said with relief. Clearly, talking about academia was in her wheelhouse. I steered the conversation onto more stable footing. Will tried, but he didn’t have much to say. Poor boy. He usually had an easy time with girls.

  Audrey finished as quick as she could and said she had to get to her next class. I knew for a fact that she didn’t have class for at least another half hour, and she knew that I knew. I said good-bye and said I’d see her in Brit lit. As soon as she was gone, I texted my apologies.

  “I’m such an idiot,” Will said, raking his hands through is hair.

  “Yeah, you are. What happened to that guy who charms every woman in a five-mile radius, regardless of age?”

  “He’s not here right now. I’m pretty sure he abandoned me. Come back later.”

  “Aw, Willy, it’s okay. You can’t win ‘em all. Buck up.”

  “I know, I know.” He was so grumpy, he didn’t even finish his second taco. Poor thing.

  “I’ll see you later,” he said, giving me a sad smile. I tried to think of something shiny.

  “Hey, you want to go do something this weekend? Movies? I think they’re having a battle of the bands here on Saturday night.”

  “Sure,” he said, still miserable. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Have you found a job yet?”

  “I’m still looking.”

  “Okay, well could you at least make something up so I can tell Mom? She’s up my butt about it again.”

  “Okay, okay,” Will said before shuffling off. Great, he was going to have PMS for at least a few days. Pissy Man Syndrome.

  “Hey, Hottie,” a slimy voice said behind me. I turned slowly.

  “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” I said with a teeth-hurting smile.

  He shook his head. I hated the fact that he was standing while I was sitting, so I got up and grabbed my tray.

  “That’s not very nice language for a sexy girl like you.”

  “Don’t you have a girlfriend? She’d be awful upset if she heard you saying that about another girl.”

  “No, I don’t think she will, because you’re not going to tell her.” He was right, I wasn’t. I couldn’t say anything bad about Zack without looking like a vindictive bitch. He had me right where he wanted me.

  “See you later, babe,” he said, his hand barely touching my ass as he walked by.

  “Touch me again, and I will fuck you up. I swear to God.”

  He just smiled, as if I was a child saying that I wanted to be a unicorn when I grew up. He leaned in, and I fought the urge to knock his teeth out.

  “Anytime, anywhere.”

  I felt like I needed a shower the second he left. He’d always left me feeling like that, although I didn’t notice it so much when I was younger. Now it was like a bright red flashing light.

  I went downstairs to the bookstore and bought a tiny container of pepper spray and a rape whistle.

  I wasn’t going to underestimate the Parker brothers a second time.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Zan

  To keep my mind off Charlotte, I threw myself headfirst into schoolwork, like slipping into a cool lake on a summer day. I dove into calculus and English and biology and European history and physics. I shut out everything else but that, so when a voice spoke to me as I was getting up to leave from calculus on Wednesday, I didn’t pay attention at first.

  “Do you have a lighter?” It was Stryker.

  “Yeah, sure.” I pulled out Gramps’ lighter, and handed it over. “Just be careful.” I followed him as we walked outside.

  “Thanks, man. I’ll, um, give it back.” He lit his cigarette and handed the lighter back to me with care. “You want one?” He offered me one from his pack.

  Normally, I would have just shaken my head and that would have been it, but for some reason, I decided to talk to him.

  “No thanks.” He puffed a cloud of smoke over his shoulder so it wouldn’t blow in my face.

  “So what’s your deal? You don’t really have that college-boy vibe.”

  “Neither do you.” That made him laugh a little and he blew out another puff.

  “It’s all an illusion,” he said, making smoke rings. I’d never been able to do that. “People look at me and assume I’m on drugs, going nowhere, dumbass fuck-up.”

  Been there, done that.

  “And you’re not?”

  “Used to be. But once people put you in a box, you can’t do anything to get out of it.”

  “I’m Zan,” I said, sticking out my hand. Stryker held his cigarette between his teeth as he took my hand and gave it a good shake.

  “Stryker.” He leaned back against the bu
ilding. “So what’s your deal?”

  I shrugged.

  Stryker put his cigarette out in the flower pot filled with sand outside the building.

  “Thanks,” he said, handing me the lighter. “See you on Friday.”

  “See you,” I said, pocketing the lighter.

  I thought about what he said the rest of the day. That once people decided what they thought of you, that was it. You’d been judged. You got a stamp on your forehead that you could never wash off.

  ***

  My roommate crashed through the door in the middle of the night, bringing with him the stench of puke mixed with alcohol. I was a light sleeper, thanks to Carter. Never knew when someone was going to hold a sharp object they’d made to your throat and ask you for drugs or money or whatever else they wanted.

  I didn’t know the kid’s middle name, but I got his nasty clothes off and into a garbage bag, held the trash can for him and got some crackers and water into him. He finally passed out into a drunken stupor around four. I cleaned the room and knew I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I went for another run. The only people I passed were the mid-week drunks on their way home, and a few early risers from sports teams that had to fit their workouts in where they could.

  A misty rain started, and I finally decided to strip off my shirt once I was ensconced in the safety of the woods. I tied the shirt around my waist and kept going. Seeing the scars brought the memory forward, as sharp and clear as it had been on that night. I avoided looking down when I was in the shower and mostly changed in dark rooms.

  I remembered the screams from Lexie as the car swerved out of control to avoid the deer. The lurch in my stomach as the truck flew over the guardrail and threw itself down the embankment, the horrible crunch and crash of the truck as it turned over. And then the silence as my body came to rest and the truck stopped moving. That was the worst part. The silence. Wondering if I was dead.

  The next sound was of Zack. I’d never heard him scream like that. After that followed sirens and chaos and bright lights and lots of people touching and talking and moving.