Deeper We Fall

  Stryker kept drumming on his pants. I sat and tried not to cry, and Zan settled for holding my hand and staring off into space.

  “This has to end,” Zan said quietly.

  “I know,” I said.

  “He showed up at my door last week and I told him I was cutting him out of my life. I was so fed up with his bullshit and I just wanted him to go away. I should have told you.” He shook his head.

  I gripped his hand hard so he’d listen to me.

  “This has nothing to do with you. He would have done this no matter what, you know that. And if he wouldn’t have done it to her, he would have done it to someone else. He’s like a bomb and you never know when it’s going to go off.”

  Everyone is so quick to take blame on themselves. Maybe that’s part of being human. Taking blame for things because the alternative, that there isn’t any one person you can blame, is too scary. Like I’d told Zan, people were afraid of losing control. That was what blame was all about.

  Will and Audrey came back carrying coffee for everyone and we all played the waiting game. Simon showed up just as Will was about to pace a hole in the floor.

  “Hey, I came as soon as I could. How is she?” he said.

  “We’re still waiting. I think she’s just banged up, but there’s an officer in there so I hope he’ll get her to press charges,” I said.

  “That’s good.” He looked around at everyone. “Wow, it looks like a funeral in here.”

  “Simon,” I said.

  “What? You’re all going to go crazy if you sit around like this. Okay, new idea. We’re playing a game.”

  “What?” Stryker said.

  “It’s to pass the time, and we’re all playing so get over it.” I knew exactly what he was doing, and I was about to help him explain the game when my phone rang.

  “That’s Trish. I’ll be right back.” I walked down the hall as Simon explained the game.

  “Hey, I called as soon as Her Bitchness would let me. How is she?” I leaned against the wall and stared out the window at the parking lot.

  I explained everything I knew and that we were still waiting.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Who else is there?”

  “Everyone. Simon’s trying to keep them occupied right now.”

  “I can’t believe this happened.”

  “I can.” I heard a voice say something in the background.

  “I bet. Oh, shit. I’m getting the evil eye. Please text me with updates.”

  “Will do.”

  When I came back Simon had somehow wrangled everyone into playing the picnic game.

  “I’m bringing apricots and bees and coconuts and donuts and elephants and fudge and gremlins and hotdogs,” Stryker said, before moving to Will.

  I jumped in and we played until Will messed up and then we started over. And over. And over.

  Zan

  By the time the nurse came out to give us an update, we were all strung so tight I thought someone was going to explode.

  I wanted to explode. In fact, the only thing keeping me from not exploding was Charlotte’s hand in mine. She kept me tethered to sanity.

  All the things I’d done for Zack, all the times that I’d bailed him out ran through my mind. I’d done it because he was my brother, and that was what you did for your brother.

  Zack Parker wasn’t my brother anymore, at least not like that. I had a new family.

  Charlotte and Stryker and Miss Carole and even Will and Audrey and Trish and Simon and Katie. A group of people brought together who looked out for one another.

  Charlotte squeezed my hand periodically to make sure I wasn’t going to fly off the handle.

  “I’m okay,” I whispered. I wasn’t, but I was keeping it together.

  A commotion down the hall made us all look up. I recognized Glenn and Regina as they frantically rushed to Katie’s room.

  The nurse came out a few minutes later.

  “How is she?” Charlotte said, getting up without letting go of my hand.

  “She’s a little worse for wear, but she doesn’t have any internal injuries. Her parents are with her now, so I think she’s in good hands. We’ll keep her here for a little longer and then send her home.”

  “What about him?” Stryker said.

  “The police have taken her statement, and she’ll be pressing charges.”

  Everyone breathed a small sigh of relief.

  “She’s lucky to have such good friends,” she said with a smile, before going back into Katie’s room. Glenn came out a moment later.

  “Hi, Mr. Hallman,” Charlotte said. “I’m so sorry about what happened.”

  “It’s not your fault, Lottie,” he said, his face tight with worry. She let go of my hand and gave him a hug, which he returned. His face crumbled and he struggled not to lose it.

  “I was so worried about her coming here, but I never thought this would happen.”

  “You couldn’t have,” Charlotte said. “There’s nothing you could have done. It’s not your fault.”

  Being in a hospital in the middle of a crisis dredged up so many memories of the accident, it was almost too much to take.

  Charlotte and Glenn talked a little longer, and he told us all to go home and he’d keep us updated.

  “I just want to tell her we’re going,” Charlotte said after Glenn was dragged back into the room by Regina.

  I waited while Charlotte had a moment with Katie and the rest of us wondered what to do.

  “I wish we could do something,” Audrey said, yawning. She was just slightly leaning on Will’s shoulder.

  “There’s nothing we can do,” he said, slowly putting his arm around her. “Although, if I were one for vigilante justice, I’d say let’s go out and find him, but that doesn’t seem like a good idea.”

  “We don’t need you getting arrested,” Audrey said, leaning closer to him.

  “That would only be if I got caught.”

  ***

  We were all quiet on the walk back to the dorm from the parking lot.

  “What do you think he’ll get? Prison time?” Will said.

  “I hope so,” Charlotte said. “He deserves it.”

  Our eyes met in the dark and I knew what she was talking about.

  “He never seemed like such a bad guy. A douche, sure, but this?”

  “It was only a matter of time,” I said. Charlotte pulled closer to me. “Zack likes to get what he wants, and when he doesn’t, he takes it.”

  Charlotte and I went to her room to clean things up. Will offered to help, but Charlotte sent him downstairs with Simon. Audrey also went back to her room after begging for updates.

  “Do you want me to go, too?” I said.

  She braced herself on her desk. “If you go anywhere, I’m going to fall apart. You’re the only thing keeping me from not going nuts right now.”

  “Same here.” I stood behind her.

  She fell against me and I held her tight. Her body shook.

  “I know I’ve been getting mad at everyone for blaming themselves, but I can’t stop thinking that if I would have confronted her about him that it wouldn’t have happened. I know that’s stupid because I can’t control what other people do, and if I would have done that, she would have turned on me, and it would have probably happened anyway. But I can’t help it.”

  “I know, L. I know.” I rocked her from side to side. We rocked for a while until she let go.

  “We should clean up.”

  The room was in chaos after so many people had been tramping through it. Silently we got things back to where they were supposed to be.

  “I can’t deal with the silence in here,” she said, putting on some music. Def Leppard. It somehow seemed appropriate.

  Once we were done, we lay on Charlotte’s bed.

  “Have you ever thought of telling him the truth? Zack?” she said.

  “A million and one times. But then I couldn’t see the point. He probably wouldn’t believe me a
nyway. The thing about Zack is that he’s incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions. I always did that for him.”

  Charlotte’s phone went off and she had a quick discussion with Glenn before calling everyone else and giving the update that Katie’s parents were taking her home for a little while and Zack was going to be arrested the next day.

  Exhausted, she threw her phone on the floor and curled back into me.

  “You want to go driving tomorrow? I’m supposed to work, but I’m going to call in.”

  “I’ll go anywhere and do anything with you. You’re my home. My family.”

  “I love you,” she said, kissing me once.

  We fell asleep, still in our clothes, her head on my heart.

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  Lottie

  Zan and I slept late the next day, and when I picked up my phone, I had another million messages. Zan had a few too.

  “Zack called me.” He handed me his phone and played the voicemail Zack had left. It was full of bile and lots of swearing, but there was one thing I got from the message that overwhelmed all of that.

  He was scared. Scared shitless.

  “I know I shouldn’t, but I get a sick sort of pleasure out of hearing your brother scared out of his mind,” I said.

  Zan rested his chin on my stomach. “He left this last night. I should probably call him to see if he’s been arrested yet.”

  I played with his hair. “Why don’t you call your parents?”

  “They’ll find out soon enough. It doesn’t really matter anymore. I told you last night. You’re my family now.”

  I had a family, but now it was complete with Zan in it. I just wished that part of my family, Katie, wasn’t going through hell.

  We all decided to get together at Stryker’s and talk. None of us knew what to do, so at least getting together and talking was something.

  Will went out and bought pancake mix, so we made pancakes. We all looked horribly hung over even though no one had gotten drunk the night before.

  “Have you heard anything?” Stryker asked Zan as he piled up a huge plate with pancakes.

  “Not yet. I’m sure my mother will call the second she knows.”

  Stryker and Trish argued about the pancakes while Zan, Simon and I chopped up some fruit, and Will and Audrey talked quietly. Guess they needed a crisis to be that final push to get them together. I bumped my shoulder with Zan’s and nodded at Will and Audrey.

  “About time,” he whispered to me.

  My phone rang, and I dived to get it. It was Katie.

  “Hey, how are you feeling?”

  Her voice sounded groggy. “Hey. I’m… I’m okay.”

  “Are you at home?”

  “Yeah. My parents are hovering over me, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I just want to come back, but they won’t let me yet.”

  “Monday?”

  “I hope so.”

  She paused, taking a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry about everything. You were right about Zack. He wasn’t the guy I thought he was, and by the time I realized that, it was too late. He said he just wanted to talk, so I got in his truck and then he drove us to this parking lot and started hitting me. I tried to get away, but I had my seatbelt on, and he was so strong—” Her voice broke, and she gasped to get control.

  “It’s not your fault, Katie.”

  “I know, I know. It just happened so fast and I forgot all that self-defense stuff I learned. And then I blacked out and the next thing I knew I was in the parking lot and Will was calling my name. Can you tell him thank you for me?” She blew her nose.

  “Sure thing. Is there anything else I can do?”

  “Um, tell Stryker that he was right. I told him I was going to meet with Zack and he begged me not to. We had a stupid fight about it. I want to talk to him about it.”

  “He’s right here.” All of the guys looked up.

  “Can I?” she said.

  “Hold on.” I handed the phone to Stryker. “She wants to talk to you.” He took the phone from me and went to his bedroom for some privacy while I filled everyone in on what Katie had said.

  Stryker was still talking when we all dug into the pancakes.

  Zan’s phone rang and we all jumped.

  “It’s my mom.” He answered and went outside. I wanted to go with him, but this was something he needed to do on his own.

  Stryker came back and handed me my phone.

  “Weeelllll?” Trish said, handing him a plate of pancakes.

  I handed him a fork and he dug in. “None of your business, Trish.”

  “Whatever,” Trish said. “We all know that you care more about her than you’re letting on. But now is not the time for that. Zan’s talking to his mother.”

  We all stood in the kitchen and ate standing up. Zan was gone for a long time.

  “Maybe we should check on him,” Will said.

  “No, he’s fine. Just give him some time,” I said.

  We waited some more.

  “Will you please go check on him?” Trish said. “The suspense is going to kill me.”

  “Okay, okay.” I tossed my plate in the sink and headed for the door.

  I found Zan sitting on the stairs in the hallway that led down to the front door. He wasn’t on the phone anymore.

  “Hey. We were getting kind of worried.” I sat down next to him. He was so still, except for the silver lighter he kept flicking on and off. “Hey.” I put my hand on his shoulder and it was like he was coming out of a trance.

  “Sorry. I was just thinking,” he said. I rested my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me and kissed my cheek.

  “He’s been arrested. Mom is flipping her shit and Steve is already assembling all the lawyers he can buy. And I’m just trying to keep it together.”

  “You’re doing a very good job.”

  “You’re lying.” I could just barely feel him shaking. “But I love you anyway.”

  “I love you.” He turned his head and gave me a quick kiss. “How do you feel?”

  “Ask me tomorrow. I don’t know right now.”

  Zan

  Things moved both faster and slower at the same time. I was only able to focus on a small list of things. The rest just blurred.

  My mother and Steve came down to bail Zack out. Zack got arrested and kicked out of school. Katie came back.

  Through it all, Charlotte was there, holding me together. She was whatever I needed her to be. When I needed to get out of the dorms so I didn’t lose it, she went with me. We took walks and talked about silly things like our favorite commercials and the best way to make French toast.

  Mom wanted me to come home too, but I refused. She yelled and said it was my responsibility and I just listened in silence.

  “Don’t you understand? Your brother has lost everything.” Of course, Mom downplayed the physical damage that Zack had done to Katie. I could tell she thought it was Katie’s fault, which was the most disgusting part of the whole thing.

  “He deserves to lose it.” I hung up on her, and turned to kiss Charlotte. She smiled and it didn’t feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

  Zack called me repeatedly and left me messages. I deleted them without listening.

  “Do you think you’ll ever talk to him again?” Charlotte and I were naked, wrapped up in my sheets. We’d planned on going out, but it seemed like too much work, so we’d stayed in.

  “Maybe. Not right now. I’m too pissed at him right now. What I’d like to do is beat the shit out of him, but then he’d probably beat the shit of out of me back.”

  “My money would be on you,” she said, kissing the raven in my tattoo.

  “That money would probably be lost.”

  “Money schmoney.” She bit my nipple and I stopped thinking about Zack for a while.

  Later on Charlotte called Katie, just to check in. She had a grin on her face when Katie said where she was.

  “She’
s with Stryker,” she said after she hung up. “Looks like Stratie is on.”

  “Good. He’ll be good for her.”

  “I told her that she should take some time for herself, but I’m not sure if she’s really good at being alone, or if that would be a good thing for her. By the way, the makeover is on. She’s taking me shopping tomorrow after work.”

  “As long as she doesn’t make you into someone you’re not.” Images of her with black eye makeup and a scrap of material that didn’t qualify as a skirt floated through my head.

  “The red dress was her idea, as well as the red undies.”

  I stroked her hair, watching as it picked up the light. “Ah, I forgot about that. Then I absolutely approve of this makeover. Even though you don’t need one.”

  “I’m not doing it for me.”

  “I know. That’s why I love you.”

  She didn’t say it back right away, and I knew that meant she had something else to tell me. She licked her lips and turned her head to the side.

  “They’re taking Lexie to the place in Texas. I’m going to see her on Sunday.”

  I waited for her to continue. She blinked a few times.

  “Would you come with me?” she finally said.

  I had the feeling that was what she was going to ask.

  “I haven’t seen her in a long time.”

  She pushed herself up and looked down at me.

  “What do you mean?”

  I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t told her this yet. I’d told her everything else. The only other people I’d told this next part were Miss Carole and Stryker.

  “I used to write Lexie and her family letters, when I was in the hospital, and then later. They were all about how sorry I was, and how I wished I could change it. That kind of thing. It was more for me than for them.”

  “Did you send them?”

  I nodded.

  “Mrs. Davis called me after I’d sent a few of them. I don’t know why, but she was nice to me and asked if I wanted to come see Lexie. So I did. I saw her a few more times after that, and Mrs. Davis would call me every now and then to let me know how she was doing. We used to talk about other things too. I think she felt sorry for me.”

  She was quiet for a long time, tracing the branches of my tattoo.