Deeper We Fall

  Lottie

  I didn’t encounter Zan or Zack Parker for the rest of the day. By the afternoon, I was beat and my head was full of homework. I also needed to find a job, and bug Will to find a job so Mom would get off our backs about supporting ourselves.

  My head was pounding by the time I made it back to my room and saw another note from Katie.

  Out with Zack. Be back later. Someone had drawn a crude penis next to it. Three guess who.

  She was going out again? Didn’t she have class? Whatever. She could do what she wanted. I wasn’t her mother.

  I had a quiet dinner with the boys and then settled in for some reading. I was nearly done with Mockingbird, but I needed something lighter. I scanned my shelves, grinning fondly at the titles.

  I needed some cute romance to lose myself in. I was just about to settle in with a cute book with lots of kissing when I got up to pee. I opened the door and there was someone standing in my doorway holding a coffee cup and wearing a shocked face.

  Zan Parker. Again.

  “Do you have a stalking problem? Seriously, you didn’t get enough of me this morning? My brother and Simon have offered to beat the shit out of you for me, but I’m kind of considering doing it myself. If you don’t move within five seconds, I’m gonna go ahead and take care of that. Got it?” It didn’t matter that he was over a foot taller than I was. I had rage on my side. Hell hath no fury and all that.

  He listened to my tongue-lashing in silence. His lips didn’t move, but I swore he was smiling.

  “One,” I said, starting my countdown. “Two.”

  When I got to four, he handed me the coffee cup and walked away.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yelled out behind him. A girl who was going to the bathroom turned and gave me a nasty look.

  “I wasn’t talking to you, sorry,” I called. She looked at me like I was crazy and went into the bathroom.

  He stood with his back to me ten feet down the hall. I noticed that there was a bunch of white tape on his left hand, as if he’d hurt it.

  “What do you want from me? Haven’t you taken enough already?” He turned around slowly, and his face fractured for a second. I was so used to him being so expressionless, it startled me.

  “I can’t take anything you don’t give me. Stop giving me power over your life,” he said before turning and walking toward the stairs before I could say anything else.

  I stared after him, absolutely perplexed. What was it with this guy? The girl I yelled at came out of the bathroom and scurried back to her room, as if she was worried I was going to run and attack her. Great, now I was going to be the Crazy Girl Who Lived Down the Hall.

  The coffee cup was just a paper one, from the cafeteria. There was writing in a tight messy script winding around it. A packet of green tea was tucked inside.

  ‘You were born with wings.

  You are not meant for crawling, so don't.

  You have wings.

  Learn to use them and fly.’

  You’re not the only one with regrets.

  -Zan

  The first part was clearly a quote, but not one I recognized. The second part made me want to chase him down and smash the cup in his face. What did he regret? Did he regret breaking Lexie? I hadn’t seen any evidence of it. Never an apology, never a tear of remorse. Nothing. Just a blank face. Except for his eyes. Those told their own story, but it wasn’t in a language that I knew how to read.

  What he could do was leave me the fuck alone. Disappear from my life so I didn’t have to see his face and be reminded. Every. Single. Day.

  I turned the cup in my hands, reading the quote again. Too bad he hadn’t let me get to five. I was debating on shoving my thumb in his eye, which would require me to jump, or just going for something even more sensitive. After making sure he was gone, I went to the bathroom. I tossed the cup in the trash, but put the tea in my pocket.

  Chapter Eleven

  Zan

  I felt like a fucking moron when she opened the door. I’d be trying to be really quiet when I saw the light on in her room and heard someone moving around. My plan had been to leave the cup and head for the stairs, but it seemed someone else had another plan.

  Her face melted into the pain and rage I’d seen that morning. Once again, words failed me. Hers didn’t.

  When she talked about beating the shit out me, I had to fight a smile. I had no doubt she could bring me to my knees. She could do that with her blue eyes alone.

  I caught myself staring at her eyes, and I had to snap myself out of it. She’d started counting, and I figured I should probably go while the getting was good, so I handed her the cup and walked away.

  She called after me, and I finally found my voice and said the first thing that came to my mind.

  You’re not the only one with regrets.

  My hand was fast becoming a regret. At least the swelling had stopped, and the pain had gone from sharp to a dull ache, but my knuckles were painted purple and blue.

  Miss Carole had left me a message while I was up with Charlotte. Worried about me, no doubt. I called her back to ease her mind.

  “Hey, Alex. I just got home so I wanted to check on you. Did you make it through the rest of the day?”

  “I fucked up my hand punching a sign.”

  She sighed. “And what did that sign ever do to you?”

  “Nothing. I just had a moment of weakness.”

  “Alex, I’ve told you to find an outlet. What about your camera?”

  “I haven’t unpacked it yet. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not the one with the messed-up hand.”

  “No, that would be me,” I said, flexing my hand and wincing.

  “Oh, Alex, you’re between a rock and a hard place. Have you thought about the truth?”

  “I can’t.”

  It was a battle we’d waged over and over, and I’d given her my answer already.

  “Then you’re going to have to figure something out. Love has a way of working itself out, if it’s meant to be. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” There she went again, another Rumi quote. I wasn’t going to tell her, once again, that I didn’t love Charlotte.

  “You probably don’t want to take the advice of an old lady.” I chuckled, because she was only forty-five. “I met my husband when I was fourteen. Everyone told us we were kids and I was crazy for saying I was going to marry him someday. But then I did, and they all had to eat their words. I know you, Alex. You’ve been head over heels for this girl since the day I met you, even though you wouldn’t admit it. Feelings like that don’t come and go. Make her come to you. Girls love a mysterious guy, and you’ve got that going for you. Take a step back and see if she follows.”

  “She’s not following me anywhere, unless it’s to kill me.”

  “You always underestimate your charm, Alex.”

  “Charm can’t overcome pure hatred.”

  “You’d be surprised. Have you ever thought that she might have feelings for you, and she’s fighting them because she thinks it’s the right thing to do?” I sputtered for a moment.

  “No.” That had never occurred to me.

  “Oh, Alex. What a self-deprecating boy you are. Give her a chance. I have a feeling she’ll come around. But that is just my two cents. Remember; Elizabeth fell for Mr. Darcy, Beauty fell for the Beast and Scarlet fell for Rhett. Girls love a mysterious boy with a dark past. Trust me.”

  Lottie

  Katie didn’t come home that night either, and I barely saw her at all the next week. She was always with Zack. Thankfully, most of the time they went to his place so I didn’t have to see him.

  I didn’t see much of Zan, either. The next bio class he sat even further away, and never looked at me. I’d stopped myself from Googling the poem at least twenty times. I’d pulled the cup from the trash and stashed it in the back of my drawer so no one would know about it. I had
n’t even told Will about the encounter. Something told me he wouldn’t like it, and would probably use it as an excuse to beat Zan up. Not that he needed much of an excuse.

  “I think he’s avoiding you,” Will said. “He must have finally decided that you’re batshit and he should stay away.”

  “Haha.”

  I got a piece of good news on Wednesday day when I got a phone call asking if I could come in for an interview at the fabric store on Friday afternoon. When I’d applied, I hadn’t thought I had a chance of even getting an interview, but I’d put all my sewing experience down and hoped for the best. Sewing was one of my stress relievers, and I’d thrown an epic hissy fit when I realized I couldn’t bring my machine with me to the dorm because it wouldn’t fit anywhere. I guessed I’d be doing a lot of hand-sewing which was fine, because I was working on an epic Elizabeth Bennett costume for Halloween.

  I texted Will, asking for the truck and he reluctantly agreed. I didn’t know what his problem was with me borrowing it. It was a piece of shit anyway. It wasn’t like one more ding was going to ruin the paint job.

  My stomach was jumpy as I parked Will’s truck at the store. It was pretty quiet for a Friday afternoon.

  I walked in and was met with walls of fabric. When I was little, my Nana used to take me with her when she went to fabric stores. I’d want to touch every single bolt, and wouldn’t leave until I had.

  I went right up to the cutting table, trying to make myself look confident and probably failing.

  There was a girl leaning against the counter, tapping her scissors and waiting. She sure didn’t look like she belonged here. Between her citrus orange hair, to her torn skirt over leggings, to her combat boots, she looked like she would have been more comfortable in a store that sold ‘alternative’ clothing.

  Of course, she was the only person who wasn’t busy.

  “Um, hi. My name is Charlotte, I’m supposed to be having an interview?” My voice made it sound like a question.

  “Yeah, sure.” She looked up and I saw that she had violet contacts in. They were both eerie and pretty at the same time. “I’m Trish,” she said, pointing to her nametag.

  “My name’s Charlotte, but I go by Lottie.”

  “Cool. Let me take you back to see the Queen of the Shears.” She motioned for me to follow her.

  “What?”

  “Sorry, I shouldn’t make you jaded before you’ve started. That’s just our nickname for Claud. She acts like she’s running a kingdom and we’re all freaking Cinderella.” She pushed through a swinging door marked Employees Only, and took me back to an office that was much nicer than I would have thought.

  “Got another one for you,” Trish said, after she knocked on the door.

  “Send her in,” was the reply.

  “Good luck,” Trish said before clomping back out to the main store.

  “Hi, Charlotte, come on in.” She was just how I’d pictured. Hair that looked like she’d just come from the salon, perfect acrylic nails and a set of glasses on a chain. Wow, did I call that, or what?

  “Thank you so much for calling me.”

  “Well, we’ve had a lot of applicants, but you’re one of the youngest.” Wait, was that good?

  Don’t open your mouth and ramble. Don’t open your mouth and ramble.

  “I’ve always loved to sew.” Wow, brilliant. You might as well have rambled.

  “Why don’t we start with what you think you could bring to our team here?”

  Don’t open your mouth and ramble. Don’t open your mouth and ramble…

  ***

  “How did it go?” Will asked when I dropped his keys back off to him. I’d had to reassure him more than once nothing had happened to his truck and I definitely wasn’t going to mention the asshole who cut me off and almost made his truck into a crushed tin can, with me inside it.

  “Well, I didn’t mention my drug dependency and I lied about my previous pole dancing experience. Hope they bought my act,” I said, showing him my crossed fingers.

  “Uh huh,” he said as I dropped the keys into his palm. “I’m assuming you didn’t mention your diarrhea of the mouth disease?”

  “Uh, no. I was able to keep that under control. Those new injections and shock therapy seem to be working.”

  “Nice,” Will said, holding up his fist. I gave him a bump and we exploded in unison before he pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. “This is one of those moments that you dream about, but you never think will happen.”

  “Shut up. Where’s Simon?”

  “Um GSA? PETA club? One of those acronym things.” Oh, Will. “You want to do something tonight? Besides reading Mockingbird or watching the movie for the millionth time?”

  “At least I’m not going out, getting wasted and screwing half the football team.”

  “Who’s doing that?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know, but I’m sure some girl at this school is.”

  “She must walk funny then, from all the sex. She probably also has chlamydia.”

  “You are so gross,” I said, shoving him in the chest. “I’m just going to hang out in my room, I think. Maybe I’ll go for a walk.”

  “It’s raining. You’ll melt.”

  “Shut up. I’ve got a magic fucking umbrella.”

  “Language, my dear.”

  I shut the door in his face, hearing his laughter on the other side. Whatever.

  Of course, just as I stepped outside, it started pouring. I had a waterproof jacket, but the hood sucked, and didn’t stay on my head. I felt like a total dork holding it up, so I just let it fall back. I had an umbrella, but it was in my room, and I didn’t feel like going back to get it.

  A little rain never hurt anyone. I sucked a little rainwater from my bottom lip and started walking. I’d done some investigating on the campus map and found that there was a nature trail just down the road from the dorm. I wasn’t much of a nature girl, but I figured it would be the quietest place for me to think, especially since it was raining.

  I had only gone a little ways when I heard someone coming up behind me. Whoever it was was running, and I pictured one of those psycho fit girls who would crawl to the gym even if their legs were broken so they didn’t gain an ounce of fat. Bitches.

  I moved off to the side so they could pass me, but my foot got caught and my ankle twisted, causing me to lose my footing and fall. I squeaked and put my hands out to catch myself, but I didn’t hit the ground.

  “Are you okay?”

  I turned my head at the sound of his voice and the feel of his hands on my arms, holding me up.

  My words got stuck in my throat for a moment. He was completely soaked, as if he’d been out here for hours, and his hair was plastered to his head. Rain dripped from his nose, but he didn’t seem to mind.

  I realized I was as close to Zan Parker as I’d ever been and that caused me to lunge away from him, but he didn’t let me go, and the force of me pulling away backfired, making him pull me toward him even harder, so I crashed into his chest.

  “Get the fuck off me!” I screamed, even though I was the one who was sort of on him. I swatted at him with my hands, but he held tight until we were both standing again. Then he dropped his hands from my arms, and I realized how warm they’d been.

  I crossed my arms over my chest and started walking. Shit fuck. My ankle was not very happy, and twinged with every step.

  “Are you okay?”

  I gritted my teeth against the pain and kept walking, away from the dorm. Away from Zan fucking Parker.

  “I know you don’t want to be around me, but I don’t want you to mess up your ankle.”

  “Why do you care about my ankle? You didn’t care about Lexie.” The words lashed out of me. I could feel them erupting from deep inside, where I usually kept them in a jar with a tight lid. Time to smash that damn jar.

  “Fair enough. Still, would you at least let me walk behind you, so in case you need it, I can offer some form of assistance.
”

  “Fuck off.” I kept walking, but it was starting to get harder. Damn defective ankle. I’d always had issues with them. I’d lost count of how many sprains and twists I’d had over the years.

  I heard him walking behind me as I continued to struggle. I didn’t think it was a sprain, but I’d have to go back and ice it anyway.

  I spun on my non-injured heel, finding him much closer than I thought. He was also a quiet walker.

  “I can’t stop you from following me, since I don’t have my pepper spray with me, but I swear, I will go to campus security the second you do anything to piss me off. Got it?”

  “Message received.” The way he said it made me think he was laughing at me.

  “Do you think this is funny?”

  “No, you just have some mud on your face. Right here.” He reached out, but I flinched back.

  He looked almost hurt. “ I wasn’t going to touch you.” His hand pulled back, and I took my sleeve and wiped it down the side of my face he’d indicated. Great, I was quite a spectacle.

  I fixed my eyes straight ahead and started my slow walk, Zan behind me like a shadow. He was just about as soundless. My plan was now to treat him like a shadow.

  It took forever to walk back to the dorm, and I stumbled a few times on my bum ankle, but he never touched me. I headed straight for the elevator and he followed me. I got in, and he got in behind me before I could close the door. Honestly, if I wasn’t so livid, I would have laughed at his appearance. He was just as splattered with mud as I probably was. A microscopic part of me wanted to ask him what he’d been doing, running in the rain. I stomped on my curiosity and watched the elevator lights as we approached the fourth floor. It became harder to breathe the higher the elevator climbed. An eternity later, the elevator dinged and I dived out of the enclosed space. I turned and watched the doors close behind me as Zan pushed the button for the first floor.

  He hadn’t said a word.

  Chapter Twelve