It's the Apocalypse, Dave. Try to Have Fun.

  Gabby laughed. “You, a fast learner? Sure thing, genius. Keep that dream alive.”

  “I know that those things don’t like fire and sunlight, and I know they shield themselves from it with the worm-snot they make. I bet if we start to burn stuff down they’ll either rush over to put the fire out or they’ll all go that way and hide,” I pointed to Tony’s apartment, near where the Terrameds were creating a hive. “Either way, it gives us a shot at getting out of here.”

  “How do you figure?” asked Tony.

  “If they go put out the fire then maybe we can run through one of the entrances. And if they go hide on the other side, then we can run through your grandmother’s apartment and get to the parking lot.”

  “Through the fire?” asked Gabby.

  “No,” I said. “We’ll start the fire outside of her neighbor’s house.”

  “How are you going to start a fire?” asked Tony. “Do you have a lighter?”

  “No, but I bet Jerry could think of a way to start one with that contraption of his.” I looked up at their little brother, who was standing on the top platform beside the captain’s wheel. “What do you think, Jerry? Could you get that battery on your belt to start a fire?”

  “Uh, yeah, I guess. I think so. Sure. I’m pretty… I’m pretty sure I could.”

  “We could use some of Mimi’s bobby pins,” said Tony. “And jam them into the socket on that belt of his.” Tony started to search his grandmother’s wig for bobby pins.

  “What the hell are you doing?” she asked.

  “Hold up, Mimi. Stop hitting me. I need some bobby pins.”

  “Body tins?”

  “Bobby pins!”

  “Oh, well why the hell didn’t you just ask for them instead of digging at my head like a nut-starved squirrel?” She pulled a few bobby pins out of her hair and handed them over.

  “Don’t you think we should wait for Jason?” asked Gabby.

  “We can’t afford to wait for a rescue,” I said. “You might have to face the possibility that he’s not coming, ever.” It felt like a harsh thing to say the second it left my lips, and I regretted it.

  “I’m with Dave,” said Otis. I was looked at him in surprise, shocked that he agreed with me. “I know, I’m as surprised as you, but for the first time in your life you had a good idea. What’re we going to use to start a fire?”

  “We could use our clothes,” said Tony.

  “We don’t have a lot of clean clothes,” I said. “Most of us are covered in blood and slime.” I pointed to the dead tree about twenty yards away from us and said, “We can use that.”

  “And how are you planning on getting there?” asked Gabby.

  “Carefully,” I said. “We know where the sprinkler heads are. If I avoid them, I can make it to the tree. I’ll climb up it and snap off as many branches as I can and bring them back. Then we can start making torches with them and whatever clothing you guys can scrounge up. How’s that sound?”

  “Sounds dangerous,” said Tony.

  “Yeah well,” I said with a smarmy grin, “Danger just happens to be my middle…”

  “Don’t even say it,” said Gabby. “This is a dumb idea. I’m not going to let you go running out there in the middle of a minefield to grab some sticks so that you can try to burn us all to hell. We should wait a while. We’re safe up here. Let’s wait and see if Jason can get here.”

  “Gabby, you didn’t see what we saw,” said Tony. “Dave’s right. It’s a miracle we made it here. The roads were a mess.”

  I started to walk past Gabby to get to the bottom landing of the playground. She grabbed my shirt to stop me. “Wait. Just wait a damn minute. Let’s talk about this.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” I said. “Either we do something to get out of here, or we’re going to be a midnight snack for these things.” We were pressed against one another on the small platform, and I set my hand on her belly. I locked eyes with her. “And I’m not going to let that happen to you.”

  “Quit it.” She brushed my hand off her stomach. “Stop acting like a hero.”

  “Who’s acting, babe?” I hopped off the final platform and down to the sand.

  “Wait,” said Jerry. “Take this.” He took off his homemade belt and brought it down to me. He showed me how to use it, but when I tried to fit the belt on I realized that Jerry was about ten sizes smaller than me. I had to strap the bra/belt over my shoulder like a bandoleer. I always assumed that putting on a bandoleer would automatically turn even a sloppy schlub of a guy like me into a macho he-man, but any sense of bravado earned by the attire was lost due to the fact that I was actually wearing an old woman’s bra.

  The battery unit was hot and pressed to my chest. It stank of burning plastic, which was disconcerting. I flipped the power switch on it, and the wand crackled to life.

  “Otis, why don’t you go instead of Dave?” asked Gabby.

  “Me? Why? It was his idea.”

  “Because you’re taller,” said Gabby. “You could reach up into the tree and grab the branches easier. Why are we making Dave go?”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I’ll be fine.”

  “You’d better be, you pain in the ass,” she said, and meant every word, especially the ‘pain in the ass’ part.

  I set out on my foolhardy quest, like an adventurer in a fantasy novel, my crackling wand held before me in one hand, and a broken sword in the other. There were two sprinklers between me and the tree. The first had the remains of the appendage that I’d cut in half lying beside it, but the second hadn’t produced a tentacle yet. The sprinkler head had popped up, probably due to the pressure generated by the creature moving through the thin pipe.

  I inched my way towards it, swiping my wand in front of me as I took careful steps. I kept my distance, but didn’t want to go too far around because then I might get within reach of one of the other sprinklers.

  A flock of geese passed overhead, honking as they headed south. I cringed at the sound, and tried not to think of one of those giant birds sprouting tentacles and falling on me. The birds passed without incident, and I continued my tenuous journey to the tree. I had to step over a prairie dog mound, and I peered into the dark hole, fearful of what might be hiding inside. There were no tentacles in sight, so I continued to the tree.

  I was looking for dry branches, but the majority of the low ones had already been broken off by children in search of swords. I had to climb the tree, which is an activity I hadn’t participated in since I was a kid. Do you remember how easy climbing a tree used to be? You might assume it’s like riding a bike, and that you could easily climb one if necessary. Well, let me assure you, it’s not as easy as you think, especially not while wielding a sword.

  My first attempt was a miserable failure. I tried to jump up and grab onto a sturdy branch to hoist myself up, but that proved far harder than expected. What was I thinking? My fat ass hadn’t done a pull-up in well over a decade. How did I expect to monkey my way up into a tree? I got back down and reevaluated my approach, settling on a running jump. I slid the sword through one of my belt loops, clicked off the battery pack on the bra, and then holstered the wand. Next I ran forward (hobbled is a more apt description), jumped, and kicked off the trunk of the tree to give me more height. I was able to grab onto a higher branch so that I could swing my leg over the lowest. It might’ve been an ugly mounting, but it worked.

  I started snapping off small branches and tossing them to the ground. Gabby yelled at me to hurry, but I didn’t dare. I knew I was one ill-placed step away from falling. As I worked, a cloud passed over the sun, providing momentary relief from the heat and blinding light. I continued working for a little while, until certain I’d cut down enough branches to help build the fires. I knew that the only way for us to make it through Mimi’s apartment would be if the fires on either side were large enough to require the Terrameds’ attention, and that meant starting two large blazes.

  I relaxed as I waited for the c
loud cover to move.

  “What’re you waiting for?” asked Gabby.

  “For the sun to come back out,” I yelled to her. “I don’t want to risk being on the ground if…” I glanced down and saw something move in the grass. I squinted as I stared. It looked like the ground was moving, and then I caught sight of a tentacle inside of the prairie dog hole. It was one of the creature’s eyes, attached to a stalk and stretched to the opening of the mound, staring up at me. I pointed and screamed down at the monster, “I see you, you piece of shit.”

  “What’s wrong?” asked Gabby.

  “I see one of them down there. It’s in a prairie dog hole.” I flipped the little black orb off and then grabbed onto a stick nearby to break free and toss down in an attempt to spear the peeping eyeball. I missed with the first shot, and reached back up to get another branch for a second try. I grabbed one of the branches, but was surprised to find it was more pliable than the rest of the dead tree’s limbs. I dared to take my eyes off the creature below to inspect the moist branch in my grip, and that’s when I realized that the Terramed had tricked me yet again.

  While I’d been focused on the creature near the ground, the rest of its body was sneaking up the trunk of the tree behind me, out of the view of my friends on the playground. Its tentacles were creeping along the branches all around me, taking their time in an attempt to get in the perfect position to snatch me up and tear me to pieces before I had the chance to react.

  It was sheer luck that I grabbed onto one of its tentacles when I was reaching for a branch. The Terramed knew it had to act now, and a slew of tentacles revealed themselves. They shot out at me from various places on the tree. The tentacle that I’d accidentally grabbed was now wrapped around my arm, sticking to my flesh with its powerful suckers.

  I did the only thing I could think of to escape: I jumped.

  I expected to hit the ground hard, but the Terramed was determined to hold onto me. Instead of falling straight down, I swung back towards the tree’s trunk. I tried to put my feet up so that they would hit the tree trunk before me, but I wasn’t quick enough. My hip thudded against the bark as another tentacle came whipping around the dead tree in an attempt to grasp me. It was one of the thinner tentacles, but this one was missing its barbed tip. The end of the tentacle was wounded, and I realized it was the same one that’d tried to attack Mimi. This was the creature I’d wounded earlier.

  It was really pissed at me.

  The Terramed was willing to risk exposure to direct sunlight to kill me. I wasn’t sure if I should be honored or scared out of my mind. I settled on scared.

  I reached for the sword, but discovered it’d fallen to the ground during the chaotic melee.

  Gabby screamed out my name, and pleaded with me to watch out. ‘Little late for that,’ I thought to myself as I dangled from the tree.

  The Terramed began to reveal itself further. It looked like the tree itself had come alive, and was trying to devour me, as the tentacles snapped in my direction.

  “I got you, bro,” yelled Otis as he came running to help. “Oh shit!” A tentacle popped out of the sprinkler head between us to stop him, and I knew he wouldn’t be able to get to me before this creature tore me apart.

  Jerry’s wand was dangling at my side, loose from its sheath. I gathered it up by its electrical cord, flipped the switch on the battery pack, and heard the bizarre weapon crackle to life. I swung the homemade weapon like a lightsaber at the tentacle holding my wrist. I could only hope the wand would slice through the creature like Obi-Wan cutting through Panda Baba’s arm in the cantina (how sad is it that I know that character’s name? I should get a hobby that doesn’t involve obsessing about useless movie trivia.) Unfortunately, the crackling wand thudded uselessly against the creature.

  Jerry had been right about a lot of stuff, but he sure as hell wasn’t right about this. His wand was as useless as ejection seats on a helicopter. I ditched the wand, and let it fall at my side. I decided to kick at the tree trunk in an attempt to swing away from the tentacles, which caused the one holding my wrist to stretch and pull part of the creature up further into the tree, shortening the other tentacles enough that they were no longer close to me. My feet brushed the ground, and I tried to gain traction. Unfortunately I couldn’t quite stretch down far enough. The tentacle was pulling me back up again, and I saw the all-too familiar maw above me, salivating in anticipation of my juicy headmeat. The slimy fluid stretched down in long, thick strands, dripping from the gigantic vagina-esque mouth.

  “Otis, hurry up,” I pleaded.

  “I am,” he said as he tried to avoid the tentacle that’d emerged from the sprinkler.

  That’s when I realized it was too late. I was doomed. This Terramed had it in for me, and was willing to do whatever it took to finish me off. Within seconds I’d be within reach of more tentacles, and I decided the only thing I could hope for was to delay the inevitable. I looked up at the cloud moving slowly over the sun, and tried to gauge how much time it needed to pass.

  I flipped myself upside down with my right arm between my legs, and pressed my feet against the branch above me. I felt the wound on my right foot break open again as I pushed with all my strength against the tree branch. The warm sensation of blood flowed down my calf as I tried desperately to push myself away from the creature. It was a battle of strength and will, and I was losing. But I’ll be damned if I was going without a fight.

  I heard Otis scream out in pain and anger, but I couldn’t afford to focus on his battle. I was doing everything in my power to stay alive just a few more seconds.

  I used both hands to pull on that tentacle, and pushed as hard as possible on the tree branch above me. The Terramed was positioning itself so that the mouth was above me, but it was also careful to keep its pink, pulsing brain hidden behind the purple membrane that protected it. More tentacles finally reached me, wrapping their way around my legs and squeezing so hard I thought my bones might snap.

  Tony yelled out that he was coming to help, but I didn’t want him anywhere close to me. I knew it was too late to save me, so I said, “Help Otis first.”

  More tentacles thrashed down at me as I was pulled closer to the slobbering mouth. The creature’s eyes swarmed to form two larger forms on either side of the mouth, each focused on me, and if that thing could smile I’d swear it was doing it now. Its piercing shrieks were certainly cackles of delight as the monster prepared to devour the prey that’d cost it a tentacle. The mouth opened and closed, and then opened even wider, revealing the esophagus within.

  “Come get me, you sloppy cunt.”

  All I needed was a few more seconds. Unbeknownst to the Terramed staring down at me, the dark cloud covering the sun was just about to pass.

  I looked up into its eyes and said again, “Come on, Cum Dumpster.” I’ll chalk it up to my fifth grade level humor that I gave the creature the nickname Cum Dumpster. CD for short.

  The Terramed extended its lips. The mouth was attached to a stalk that slithered between my legs and over my crotch as it came for my face. The eyes retreated, but stayed focused on me. They rose up and split apart, each of them about an inch away from one another as if attempting to create a canopy. The purple membrane spread out over the top of the eyeballs. The creature’s skin was translucent, and I could see its internal organs pulsing within. The mouth ignored my legs, crotch (thank God), and abdomen as it continued towards my face. Either it was convinced the best tasting part of a human was our head, or it was toying with me.

  “That’s right. Come and get me.”

  I saw the sunlight pierce the edges of the cloud above. The temporary shade lifted from the courtyard as if someone had opened a window shade to let the morning light in. The courtyard rang with the screams of other Terrameds. They’d been watching us from the hive, and were now warning their brethren that the light was returning.

  The creature slithering over me paused, and its multiple eyes searched for the danger the others were warn
ing it about. CD saw the sunlight quickly overcoming the other side of the courtyard, and immediately tried to retreat. Its mouth slid back up the tree, away from my face, and the tentacles pulled away. It was like watching a thousand snakes fleeing danger, slithering to the safety of the other side of the tree.

  “Not so fast,” I said as I gripped the tentacle that’d been holding my wrist.

  The Terramed hadn’t expected my resistance. It wanted to flee before the sunlight touched its delicate skin, but I wanted that fucker to burn. I grabbed on with both hands, let my feet fall to the ground, and then pulled the thick tentacle over my shoulder as if I was hauling a giant sack of laundry towards the playground.

  “Dave, let it go,” said Gabby.

  “Come on,” said Tony, who I could see nearby. He and Otis were headed back to the playground, and they were surprised to see that I chose to fight instead of running to safety.

  The Terramed tried to pull away from me, and I was dragged back towards the tree. The suction cups on the tentacle were trembling against my skin as the appendage attempted to slip my grip.

  Sunlight fell over the tree, and the Terramed was fully exposed. It screeched in pain, and the entire tree shuddered as it struggled to pull away. Twigs and branches fell all around me. I ducked my head to avoid them as they came crashing down, and then I dared to look up to see if the creature was burning in the light.

  CD had pulled as much of its body as it could into a ball, and I could see the purple membrane and pink brain in the center. The creature was sacrificing other parts of its body to shield the brain, and there were multiple expanding sacs of brown liquid growing along the large tentacles. The sacs burst, sending a flood of the fetid, smelly goo over the branch above my head, down the tentacle I was holding, and then onto me. I felt like I was trapped in the bottom of a Porta Potty with a diarrhea victim squatting over my head.

  Gelatinous muck rolled down the length of the tentacle, and my grip began to loosen.

  “Oh no you don’t,” I said as I tried to grab on tighter. Unfortunately, the slick discharge managed to get between my palms and the tentacle. The Terramed was able to pull itself away from me, and I tumbled to the ground.

  I crawled away from the tree, and then turned to watch as the creature retreated. The Terramed was badly injured. Several of its limbs dragged uselessly behind it, and the purple membrane that covered its brain had darkened as if burned. The creature was trying to climb down the trunk of the tree, but it lost its grip and fell to the earth with a wet thud. It began to shrink, as if it was being disintegrated like a drenched Wicked Witch. I assumed it was dying, but then realized it was escaping into a prairie dog hole on the other side of the tree.

  I grabbed the sword and ran over to the hole where the creature was retreating. “Get back here.” I stabbed down at the creature as it slunk away in the ground. I perforated it a few times, causing black blood to boil forth. I tried to fork the creature and drag it back out of the hole, but it was too slippery. The Terramed escaped, leaving me panting and dripping with both its blood and my own.

  “I’ll get you next time, Cum Dumpster,” I said before spitting down at my new nemesis.

  9 – A Nagging Sense of Purpose