Reject

CHAPTER 4

  "It seems like it's one long teabreak in this dump!"

  "You shouldn't have come in so early."

  "Couldn't sleep. Anyway, how's it going?"

  "Slowly. What else did you expect."

  "I know what you mean. Too many components and not enough jam tins."

  "Well, it's getting a bit much, isn't it," Peddle ran a gloved hand down the already greasy run sheet. "That's twelve streams you've got here. Twelve!"

  "Don't blame me! This is strictly something Folklore and Pat have cooked up by themselves. All I do is fill in the paperwork, these days."

  "I know you do. Sorry. Only it gets to me at times. They'll never run it on production - you'd need a computer to keep a grip on this little lot and all I've got is George. By the way, none of my business, but why do you need all these streams?"

  "Very simple, really. Base formulation on seven essentials including pigments - yes?"

  "Yes!"

  "But the tear strength is low, so we put in a bit of this stuff."He pointed to a column in the run sheet.

  "Which increases it?"

  "Supposed to make a 15% improvement, but it has a bad effect on the hardness so we have to pop in a couple of percent of this one to counteract it."

  "Which it does?"

  "Well, yes it does, only - that throws the compression set."

  "Which is why you want 1% of this one?"

  "No. 2.5% of the one on the next line down."

  "Oh, I see. Well what is that one for, then?"

  "Ah, well, back at Run 147 or thereabouts Folklore wanted it put in because he'd had a particularly good lunch with some salesman or other and he bought rather a lot of it."

  "So we've got to use it up."

  "Precisely. Apparently it was a remarkably good lunch, though. And this one..."

  "I've heard enough, thanks!"

  "But there's three more I haven't explained yet."

  "I'd rather have a cuppa!"

  "Can't say I blame you. By the way, there's something you might like to enlighten me about."

  "Oh, yes?"

  "I overheard Dan and his oppo. talking about the Franchise."

  Peddle grinned, "I suppose they would be - it's due to change hands at the end of the month."

  "So, what is this Franchise?"

  "A long story indeed! Its origins go back to the days when we were down at the old factory, before you lot moved in, which means that you will have to view it in its historical context, so to speak." He settled his elbow comfortably amongst the grimy litter of documents on the console worktop. "No doubt you remember the arrival of The Pill?"

  Dave nodded quizzically.

  "Well, of course, that didn't do a lot for the more traditional Working Man's Friend type of market, the Johnny trade was in for a severe slump, as you may imagine."

  "I suppose it would be."

  "But there's something of the Bulldog in the Rubber Goods Industry and they didn't take it lying down..."

  "Unlike their customer's wives!" smirked Dave.

  "I think you've been working with Grey for too long for your own good!"

  His countenance reddened. "Sorry, do go on!"

  "In fact, they launched a come back. Big advertisements in the local paper for mail order distributors, backed up by a new and saucy catalogue with lots of enticing free offers - you know the sort of thing - 'a free dildo with every dozen variety packs'. You might be able to guess what happened as a result."

  "I might?"

  "About half the blokes on the Plant replied to the ad! Of course, as soon as they started to try hawking them about the factory, they found everybody else up to the same thing. It was a real riot. They were all busy undercutting each other and touting for business in the most unlikely places. You couldn't get from the console to the canteen without being accosted by a contraceptive salesman. The free dildos were flying here, there and everywhere. Made the Old Bazaar in Cairo look like a vicar's wardround by comparison."

  "In the end, Old Maxie the Greek pulled a knife on one of the lorry drivers for poaching on his territory. Took four men to hold him down. Well, after that, something had to be done, so they took the problem to the f..., to the union. It was the shop steward's idea to create the Franchise. It was decided that all interested parties should put their names into a hat and Pike was to draw the lucky winner's name at the beginning of each new financial year."

  "The first winner, I remember, was Big Blue, the Amorous Australian. You never met him, did you? Went back home on the proceeds."

  "Surely, it can't be that profitable or there wouldn't be anybody left to run the Plant by now, would there?"

  "I see your point, but that first year was exceptional. You see, Big Blue started to keep statistics which he made known about the factory, causing raised eyebrows amongst the Gluey Women and a fair amount of leg pulling between the workers."

  "Strikes me this bloke was something special!"

  "He certainly was! And it so happened that Dan played right into his hands."

  "Do tell me!"

  "Ah, well you see, Dan's brother-in-law was deputy warden in the Parks Department at the time and his boss went off sick - penal stricture, so it was said, brought on by excessive use of the more exotic varieties of condom."

  "So?"

  "So while he was Uncle Dick and under traction or whatever, a crowd of gyppos decided to doss down in the park. Instead of moving them on like he was supposed to, being a man with a social conscience and all that, Dan's brother-in-law not only allowed them to remain in a quiet corner but supplied all their consumer requirements via his sister's shop, including contraceptives which..."

  "he got from Dan..."

  "via Big Blue the condom runner!"

  "The plot begins to thicken!"

  "So all Dan did was to supply the camp and keep his mouth shut. Boosted his reputation no end!"

  "I can well imagine!"

  "So he was more than agreeable to allowing Blue to put up a sales chart on the catalyst room wall. Clever move that! Pushed up sales no end. Poor bastards! The more they tried to keep up with him the more he bought and the more he strutted about the place with a silly grin on his face."

  "Sort of Don Juan in wellies!"

  "Exactly. Only fate caught up with him rather neatly in the end."

  "Oh, yes?"

  "His brother-in-law's boss made an unexpectly rapid recovery - acupuncture so I'm told, though the thought as to where they might have stuck the needles makes me feel quite ill - anyway, he tripped over the unofficial park residents on the morning of his return, they got evicted and Dan's brother-in-law got the sack. Which left Dan in a bit of a hole, so to speak, because he could'nt stop buying without giving the game away."

  "Couldn't he have offloaded them through the shop or something?"

  "Not a hope! The district was at saturation. The campaign had been so effective that every street and every factory had its own pusher, things had got so bad that you were just as likely to get a Packet of Three slipped in with your groceries - they were giving them away free with petrol at the garage next door to the 'Goat and Compasses'. None of them could stop the overbuying without considerable loss of face - and don't forget, they had to pass the workplace of the Gluey Women on their way to and from the canteen!"

  "Oh, I see! I imagine that lot could have taught the Sirens a thing or two!"

  "Too right, they could! And have you ever taken a look at the chargehand - the one they call 'Lil the Mouth'?"

  "Is she the sort of motheaten beanpole in carpet slippers?"

  "That's the one. Got a hugely exaggerated cupid's bow painted on. No doubt makes up for the fact that she hasn't actually got any lips of her own," Peddle shuddered at the thought. "It's been said that she's got the foulest mouth in the Western Hemisphere. There's no man alive she can't make blush. Do you know, I've seen Dan cringe from a single utterance at 15 paces and with the Fans running!"

/>   "So what happened?"

  "Well, they didn't have any choice, did they. What do you do with a cupboard full of contraceptives? Productivity started to go through the floor. Blokes falling asleep on the job. Timekeeping all over the place. Pike was doing his little crust, bitter exchanges at the Weekly Works Meetings and it's even been said that rumours of impending collapse reached the Stock Exchange!"

  "So however did it all end?"

  "The true intervention of fate. The catalyst room came up for its annual coat of paint, the painters took down the chart to emulsion behind it and forgot to put it back. Company might have gone to the Wall otherwise."

  "And Big Blue?"

  "Left to start up a brothel in Brisbane, where I expect he still is."

  Grey was coming up the stairs, a grimy labcoat carelessly buttoned over his polo-necked sweater. "Morning Dave, Peddle" he absently examined a black, greasy hand, vaguely wondering where the filth could have come from. "Not much sign of action!"

  "Be at least another half hour. Has the Old Bastard graced us with his slimy presence yet?"

  Grey frowned in mild disapproval. "I suggested he make it eleven oclock, if we're lucky he won't turn up until about half past ten. Pat not here?"

  "You'll be lucky. He won't have shifted his hangover yet if I know him!"

  "Which leaves you two!"

  "Peddle's here because he has to be. My only excuse is that I couldn't face the Whinnying Tills * of Joseph Sainsbury this morning. What's yours?"

  "I'll have a half of bitter!" Grey tittered gently to himself.

  "God preserve us from fools and idiots! Shall we have that cuppa?"