The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend

  “Sorry it’s a little messy,” I said, looking down at the pile of unfolded, clean clothes that always stayed on the floor at the foot of my bed and trying not to think about the last time I’d had a boy in my room and how he’d laughed at my neurotic clothes folding. What would Toby think of it?

  “It’s fine.” Toby moved a stack of overdue library books out of my chair and placed them on the desk. Then he sat down. “We’re seventeen. Our rooms are supposed to be messy. It wouldn’t be natural if they weren’t.”

  “I guess not.” I climbed onto my bed and sat with my legs crisscrossed. “I just didn’t want it to bug you.”

  “Nothing about you could bug me, Bianca.”

  It took everything I had to ignore how cheesy that sounded. I smiled anyway and looked down at my purple comforter. I’d never received so many compliments from one person, and I wasn’t very good at accepting them. Mostly because I was always too busy mocking how mushy they were. But I was working on that.

  And the truth was, I was kind of blushing.

  I didn’t even notice Toby had moved until he was sitting beside me. “Sorry,” he said. “Did I embarrass you?”

  “No… well, yeah, but in a good way.”

  “As long as it’s in a good way.”

  He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek, but I didn’t let him stop there. I turned my head and pressed my lips against his, just as he started to pull back. It didn’t go quite as smoothly as I’d hoped. I mean, his glasses kind of knocked me in the face for a second, but I pretended I hadn’t noticed.

  His lips were so soft that I wondered if he used ChapStick. Seriously, nobody has lips that perfect naturally, do they? He must have been disgusted by mine, which probably felt rough and scaly to him.

  But if he was, he didn’t show it. His hand moved up my arm and rested on my shoulder, pulling me a little closer. We sat on my bed and kissed for a few minutes, but the sound of my cell phone broke the moment. Damn it!

  And of course, it was that same Britney Spears ringtone—the one I wanted least to hear at that exact moment—that seemed to scream at me. Toby pulled away and looked down at the floor where I’d dropped my purse. When I didn’t move, he turned back to me with raised eyebrows.

  “Ignoring someone?” he asked.

  “Well,… um, yeah.”

  “Are you sure you don’t need to answer it?”

  “Positive.”

  Before he could ask any more questions, I kissed him again. Hard this time. And even though he hesitated for an instant, he returned it. I fumbled to take off his glasses and placed them on the nightstand beside my bed before our arms twisted around each other, the kiss deepening.

  I pulled him down onto the pillows with me. There wasn’t quite enough room for both of us on my twin bed, so he had to lie partially on top of me. One of his hands was in my hair, and the other rested near my elbow.

  He wasn’t trying to grab my boob, he hadn’t slid his hand up my shirt, and he didn’t attempt to unzip my jeans.

  Actually, Toby didn’t try anything risky. I had the feeling I was going to have to make all of the big moves, like loosening the buttons on his shirt, which I did.

  For an instant, I wondered if he was hesitating because of me. Because I was the Duff. Because he didn’t really find me attractive. Despite all those compliments he paid me, it didn’t feel like he wanted me. Not the way Wesley had.

  No. I knew that wasn’t right. It wasn’t that Toby didn’t want the big things—he was a teenage boy, after all—but he was a gentleman. A patient, respectful boy who didn’t want to cross any lines. And we’d only been dating for a couple of days.

  Did that make me a slut? The fact that we’d only been dating for, like, four days and I was already rolling around with him in my teeny-tiny bed? Had my thing with Wesley totally twisted my perception of sex?

  Or did every girl do it?

  Vikki slept with most of her boyfriends on the first date.

  The whole school thought Vikki was a whore, though.

  Casey had slept with Zack only a week after they’d started going out.

  Casey had been fifteen at the time, and Zack was her first real boyfriend. She was naive and stupid, and she didn’t hesitate to admit that it was a major mistake.

  But I knew I wouldn’t feel that way about Toby. I mean, I was the one pushing this forward. I wanted to go farther with him. Because I liked him. Because he was cute and sweet. Because he wasn’t ashamed to date me. I couldn’t think of one good reason not to sleep with him.

  God, I just wanted to stop thinking. I kissed him harder, pulled him closer, trying to re-create that mind-numbing feeling I’d had before… with Wesley. But it wasn’t working. I couldn’t stop thinking.

  I undid the rest of the buttons on Toby’s shirt and helped him throw it onto the floor. He was kind of scrawny with hardly any muscle—Casey would have called him “skinny chic” or something. Tentatively, his hands began to lift the hem of my T-shirt. He moved slowly in case I wanted to stop him. Just like how he kissed me, always worried he might have crossed the line. I hooked my leg around his waist and ground my body against his. No lines. Maybe there were no lines. Maybe I’d never had any to begin with.

  God knows how long we spent making out on my bed, pieces of clothing being removed at a snail’s pace. I was already breathless by the time he had the nerve to pull my T-shirt over my head and toss it to the carpet. While part of me appreciated his patience, I couldn’t help thinking, Took you long enough.

  I could feel his right hand inching—like a turtle—toward the clasp of my bra. At this rate, it would have been midnight before he got it off, and for some reason, I felt urgent and anxious. I wanted him to get it off. I wanted to feel attractive and desired. I wanted to stop thinking. So I pushed him away and sat up, my legs still wrapped around him. We both breathed heavily, gazing at each other.

  “Are you sure about this?” Toby whispered.

  “Very.”

  I reached around to undo the clasp, but right when my fingers grazed the hook, there was a knock on my bedroom door.

  “Bianca?”

  Toby and I jumped. Both our necks snapped around just as the door swung open.

  Wesley Rush stared back at us, frozen in the doorway.

  23

  “Oh God,” I muttered as Toby and I made a frantic effort to untangle ourselves. He scrambled off my bed and grabbed his shirt off the floor, his face glowing scarlet. I reached down and picked up my T-shirt. “Wesley, how did you get in here?” I demanded.

  “The door was unlocked,” he said. “You didn’t answer when I knocked…. Now I can see why.” His dark gray eyes were big with what I could only guess was shock, dissolving quickly into disgust, and they stared directly at Toby.

  Why was he shocked?

  Because he didn’t think anyone else would fool around with the Duff?

  “But what are you doing here?” I asked, feeling a sudden surge of anger rush through my veins. I yanked my T-shirt over my head and stood up.

  “You weren’t answering your phone,” Wesley muttered. “I was worried, but it looks like you’re just fine.” He glared at Toby for a moment before looking back at me. “My mistake.”

  Now he was the one who looked angry.

  Angry and hurt.

  I didn’t get it.

  I looked over at Toby. His shirt was on and buttoned, and he was staring awkwardly at his feet. “Hey,” I said. He looked up at me. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

  He nodded.

  I pushed Wesley into the hallway with one hand and shut my bedroom door behind me with the other. “God, Wesley,” I hissed, irritated as I ushered him down the stairs. “I always knew you were a perv, but watching me? That’s a whole new level of creepy.”

  I assumed he’d say something to that. Something arrogant and cocky. Or maybe just tease me, the way he always did. But he just stared at me, a serious expression on his face. Not at all what I’d expected from Wesle
y.

  Silence.

  “So,” he said at last. “You and Tucker are together now?”

  “Yes,” I answered uneasily. “We are.”

  “When did that happen?”

  “Last week… not that it’s any of your business.” Another jab. Another attempt to make this conversation normal.

  But he didn’t take the bait. “Right. Sorry.” He sounded so awkward. So different from the smooth, confident Wesley I was used to.

  Another uncomfortable silence.

  “Why are you here, Wesley?”

  “I told you,” he said. “I got worried. You’ve been avoiding me for the past week at school, and when I called you today, you didn’t answer. I thought something might have happened with your dad. So I came to make sure you were okay.”

  I bit my lower lip, a wave of guilt washing over me. “That’s sweet,” I murmured. “But I’m fine. Dad apologized for the other night, and he’s going to AA meetings now, so…”

  “So you weren’t going to tell me?”

  “Why would I?”

  “Because I care!” Wesley yelled. His words crashed into me, stunning me for a second. “I’ve been worried about you since you left my house a week ago! You didn’t even say why you left, Bianca. What was I supposed to do? Just assume you would be all right?”

  “God,” I whispered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

  “I’m worrying about you, and you’re fucking that pretentious little—!”

  “Hey!” I shouted. “Don’t bring Toby into this.”

  “Why have you been avoiding me?” he asked.

  “I haven’t been avoiding you.”

  “Don’t lie,” Wesley said. “You’ve been doing everything you can to stay away from me. You won’t even look at me in class, and you practically sprint down the hallway if you see me coming. Even when you hated me, you didn’t act like that. You might threaten to stab me, but you never—”

  “I still hate you,” I snarled up at him. “You’re infuriating! You act like I owe you something. I’m sorry I made you worry, Wesley, but I just can’t be around you anymore. You helped me escape from my problems for a while, and I appreciate that, but I have to face reality. I can’t keep running away.”

  “But that is exactly what you’re doing right now,” Wesley hissed. “You’re running away.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Don’t pretend, Bianca,” he said. “You’re smarter than that, and so am I. I finally figured out what you meant when you left. You said you were like Hester. I get it now. The first time you came to my house, when we wrote that paper, you said Hester was trying to escape. But everything caught up with Hester in the end, didn’t it? Well, something finally caught up with you, but you’re just running away again. Only, he”—Wesley pointed to my bedroom door—“is your escape this time.” He took a step toward me, forcing me to crane my neck even more to see his face. “Admit it, Duffy.”

  “Admit what?”

  “That you’re running away from me,” he said. “You realized you’re in love with me and you bailed because it scared the shit out of you.”

  I scoffed as if it were ridiculous—wishing it were ridiculous—and rolled my eyes, stepping back to show he couldn’t intimidate me, that he wasn’t right. “Oh my God. Get over yourself. You’re so fucking dramatic, Wesley. This isn’t a damn soap opera.”

  “You know it’s true.”

  “Even if it is,” I cried, “what does it matter? You could sleep with anybody, Wesley. So what if I walk away? So what if I have feelings for you? I was just a screw to you! You would never actually commit to me. You could never commit to anyone, but especially not to Duffy. You don’t even find me attractive.”

  “Bullshit,” he growled, his eyes on my face as he moved closer to me again.

  He was so close. My back was pressed to the wall, and Wesley stood only inches away. It had only been a week, but it felt like ages since we’d been in this kind of proximity. A shiver ran up my spine as I remembered the way his hands felt on me. The way he’d always made me feel wanted, even if he had called me the Duff. Did he? Did he find me attractive despite the nickname? How? Why?

  “Then why would you call me that?” I whispered. “Do you know how much it hurts? Every time you call me Duffy, do you know how shitty it makes me feel?”

  Wesley looked surprised. “What?”

  “Every time you call me that,” I said, “you’re telling me how little you think of me. How ugly I am. God, how can you possibly find me attractive when you put me down all the time.” I hissed the last words through gritted teeth.

  “I didn’t—” His eyes fell, staring at his shoes for a moment. I could tell he felt guilty. “Bianca, I’m sorry.” He looked into my eyes again. “I didn’t mean—” His hand reached out to touch me.

  “Don’t,” I snapped, shrugging away from him. I slid to the side and stepped away from the wall. I wasn’t going to be cornered. I wasn’t going to let him have the power here. “Just stop, Wesley.”

  It didn’t matter if some part of him found me attractive. That didn’t change things. I was just another girl he’d slept with. One among many.

  “I didn’t mean anything to you,” I told him.

  “Then why am I here?” he demanded, turning to face me again. “Why the hell am I here, Bianca?”

  I glared up at his hardened face. “I’ll tell you why. Your parents leave you by yourself, so you fill your life with meaningless flings. With girls you’ll never have anything serious with—girls who practically worship you—so that they don’t abandon you. The only reason you’re here is because you can’t take the thought that someone else walked away from you. Your sensitive ego can’t handle that, and it’s easier to make me miss you than to make your parents come home.”

  He was speechless, just staring at me with his jaw visibly clenching for a few seconds.

  “Did I hit the mark, Wesley?” I spat. “Do I get you as well as you think you get me?”

  He glared at me for a few minutes—long minutes—before stepping back. “Fine,” he muttered. “If that’s how you want it, I’ll go.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “You should.”

  He turned and stormed out of the house. I heard the front door slam, and I knew he was gone. For good. I took a few deep, slow breaths to clear my head and walked back up to my bedroom, where Toby waited for me.

  “Hey,” I sighed, sitting down on the bed beside him. “I’m so sorry about that.”

  “What happened?” he asked. “I wasn’t eavesdropping, but there was a lot of yelling. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I said. “It’s a long, complicated story.”

  “Well, if you ever want to talk about it”—Toby adjusted his glasses and gave me a nervous smile—“I’ve got the time to listen.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “But I’m okay. Everyone has dirty laundry, right?” Well, everyone except you, Toby.

  “Right,” he agreed. He leaned over and kissed me gently. “Sorry we were interrupted earlier.”

  “Me, too.”

  He pressed his lips to mine again, but I couldn’t enjoy it. I just kept thinking of Wesley. He had looked so hurt. But that’s what I had wanted when I left him, just a little, wasn’t it? For him to miss me? I tried to push it down, wanting so badly to lose myself in Toby’s arms. But I couldn’t.

  Not the way I’d been able to lose myself with Wesley.

  I pulled away, disgusted with myself. How could I think of Wesley when I was kissing a guy like Toby Tucker? What was the matter with me?

  “Is something wrong?” Toby asked.

  “It’s nothing,” I lied. “Just… we should probably start doing research for our editorials.”

  “You’re right.” He didn’t seem irritated or offended or dejected at all. Perfect manners. A perfect smile. The perfect boy.

  So why wasn’t I perfectly happy?

  24

  Wesley stayed on my mind for the next couple days, which put
me in a really pissy mood—pissier than usual, that is.

  I didn’t want to think about him. I wanted to think about Toby, who was obviously way too good for me. He could tell I was grumpy, but instead of harassing me about the cause, he just squeezed my hand, kissed me on the cheek, and bought me candy in hopes of making me smile again. How could I be thinking of another guy—an annoying, egotistical, womanizing guy—when such a wonderful one stood right in front of me? Maybe someone needed to slap me or put me through shock treatments like they give crazy people in the movies. That might have brought me to my senses.

  But Wesley seemed to be everywhere. He was always climbing into his car just as I walked out to the student parking lot or standing two feet ahead of me in the lunch line. Do you know how hard it is to forget someone exists when they’re constantly in your sight? Pretty damn hard. For a second, I actually wondered if he might be doing this on purpose, like stalking me or something, but I ditched that idea when I noticed that he didn’t even look at me anymore. Like he was too mad about the things I’d said to acknowledge me.

  It should have been a relief not to have his creepy eyes crawling all over me, but it wasn’t at all. It hurt.

  Every time I saw Wesley, I was overcome with a flood of emotions. Anger, sadness, pain, irritation, regret, lust, and, worst of all, guilt. I knew I shouldn’t have said those things about his attachment issues—even if they were totally true. And despite my urge to apologize, I kept my mouth shut tight. Honestly, I would rather have dealt with the knowledge that I was a terrible person than suffer through another uncomfortable conversation with him.

  Though I couldn’t avoid the conversation with his sister.

  I was in the library one morning, trying to find a book that didn’t contain romantic vampires or kids flying on dragons, when Amy walked up to me. I swear, she was so freaking quiet that I didn’t have a chance to run. One minute I was alone, the next she was right beside me. I was ambushed.

  “B-Bianca,” she stammered. She was wringing her hands and staring at the ground, as if talking to me was actually going to kill her.