For Real

  He faces me and he nods. “Yeah, I do.”

  Oh. Wow. I can’t believe it. I know I care for him, but I never imagined he cared about me that much. I look up at the boy with the dragon tattoos and the mohawk and the paper cranes. I care about him so much that I don’t know how I can stand it. He fills my head and my heart and I know that this, right here, is real.

  “Well, I think I love you, too.” I’ve been realizing it slowly, day by day, moment by moment. With every paper crane he’d made me, I’d fallen a little more. With every night, I’d gotten a little bit closer.

  And now here I am. In Real Love with my Fake Boyfriend.

  “What the fuck are you waiting for? Kiss the girl!” Javi yells and I stare into Jett’s shifting eyes and he leans down. And he kisses me.

  It’s tender and sweet. He puts his feelings behind it and it’s even better than before. I rise up on my tiptoes and put my arms around him and his arms go around me and it’s everything a kiss should be. Fireworks and confetti and cheering. The latter comes from my friends and Javi.

  We finally pull apart.

  “So does this mean that you will be my Real Boyfriend now?”

  “Yeah, I think it does, Real Girlfriend.”

  And we kiss again to seal the deal.

  “So there’s something I have to tell you, in the interest of full disclosure,” Jett says that night when we’re getting ready for bed. Javi has vacated the place to give us the night alone, and I’m freaking out.

  This is the first time we’ll be spending the night together without the barrier of the Rules. I’d thrown them away after my friends had left. They’d made me read them out loud as I’d told them about all the silly things Jett and I had done to Fake our relationship. Now it’s just the two of us with nothing between us. Except for the fact that I’m a virgin. But we JUST told each other that we care about each other, and our Real relationship is only a few hours old. I don’t think we really need to get into that right away. Right?

  Besides, Jett apparently has something he wants to tell me, so I sit down on his bed and give him my full attention. As long as we’re not talking about my virginity, I’m good.

  “Okay, go ahead.” He opens his mouth, but then changes his mind.

  “No, it’s nothing. Nothing we need to talk about right now. Bedtime?” I nod and he gets in and I get in with him, but this time I face him.

  “So this means we can kiss whenever we want now,” I say as we lay with barely an inch between our faces.

  “We did that anyway. We failed at following the Rules most of the time. You let me get away with a lot.” He grins and I smile as well.

  It’s true. I let him get away with anything he wanted.

  “We did kind of suck at it. How do you think we’ll do Real Dating?”

  “I don’t know, but I think we should practice.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  I move my head forward just a bit and our lips meet and then open and then our tongues are dancing, giving and taking, back and forth. We were always good at this part. He knows just how I like to be kissed and he always tastes good. Our bodies mold together and then I’m on my back, with Jett over me. The kissing is getting intense, and I want more.

  He wants more, too.

  I move my hands from the back of his head, down to the hem of his shirt and he moves so I can pull it off him. Got it on the first try! Not bad for a virgin. Maybe he won’t notice?

  As soon as it’s off, his lips are back on mine and the frenzy intensifies and I want SOMETHING, ANYTHING so much that I think it’s going to kill me. And then the kiss stops.

  “I’m a virgin,” Jett blurts out. “I never had sex because my parents never talked about it, except to tell me if I did it, I would disgrace them. And then I couldn’t meet the right girl and I didn’t think they’d want a clumsy virgin. So I understand if you don’t . . . want to do anything. I understand.”

  If he had told me he was a serial killer I might have been less shocked. But once the revelation is out, SO MANY things make sense. And then I start laughing. Probably not the best response, but I can’t help it.

  Even in the dark I can see the hurt and confusion on his face. I shake my head and try to stifle the giggles.

  “So . . . So am I!” And that launches me into another fit of giggles.

  “You’re a virgin?”

  “Yes.” And then he starts laughing with me. And we don’t stop for a long time. Not until we’re both gasping and wiping tears.

  “We’re both virgins. What are the chances of that?” I say.

  “I don’t fucking know.” Jett had lowered himself to his side when he started laughing because he couldn’t hold himself up with his arms, so we’re facing each other again.

  “So what do two virgins who have just started Real dating and are alone in an apartment do with themselves?” I know what I want to do, but I don’t want to push him if he’s not ready.

  “Well I know what I’d like to do. I’d like to see you naked. I’ve thought and dreamed about it, and I’d like it to happen. And then I want to look at you with the lights on. See every curve. And then I want to taste every curve, and then when you’re satisfied, I want to be with you. If you want to be with me. And then I want to draw you with nothing on you but light.”

  Well, if he wanted to make a speech to ask me for my virginity, he just nailed it. It’s his. He can have it. And he wants me to have his.

  “You know it’s not going to be like that, the first time.”

  “I know, but maybe it will be for us. We’ve broken the rules of dating so far.”

  “So you’re saying you want to try? Right now?”

  “I think now is as good a time as any.”

  “Do you have condoms?”

  “Javi always makes sure I’m well stocked.” He reaches over me to his nightstand and pulls one out, holding it up. The sight of the little shiny package makes it feel more real. What do I want more? To stay the same, to keep the wall up? Or to let him in to every part of me?

  “Let’s do it.”

  “You sure?”

  I nod. I’m sure. This is the most rash decision I’ve ever made, but I’m on a high from telling him I loved him earlier, so I don’t care. Rash decisions are kind of awesome.

  “Then can I put the lights on?”

  I nod again as he climbs over me and goes to turn on the overhead light and then his lamps. My eyes are used to the darkness, so I blink a few times. He stands next to the bed, and his intention is clear. Very, very clear.

  I may know a lot about sex in theory, but doing it is another thing. Well, time to get this show on the road.

  I stand up in front of Jett and kiss him. He pulls me forward, and his hands skim my back. This we know. This we have down. His hands lift my shirt and I raise my arms over my head so he can lift it off. I’m still wearing a bra and his breath hisses out as he looks at me.

  Oh my God. Jett and I are going to have sex. I’m going to see him naked, he’s going to see me naked and he’s going to put his penis inside me. Penis. Cock. Dick. Penis. And just as quick as I made the decision, I want to unmake it. Rash decisions aren’t for me. I was wrong. Because I overthink EVERYTHING.

  “Red light.” He stops what he’s doing as if I’ve slapped him. He raises his hands.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m freaking out. I . . . I don’t think I’m ready for this. I know I said that a second ago, but I don’t think I am. Can we just put on the brakes?” He holds my face very gently, as if he’s afraid I’m going to run away.

  “Whatever you want to do is what we’ll do, princess. No pressure. That’s what got us here in the first place.” He reaches down and grabs my shirt and hands it to me, and then gets his.

  “Want to go just go to bed?” he says as soon as we’re both clothed again.

  Just because I stopped him and decided that I’m not quite ready to go all the way yet, doesn’t mean I don’t still want him. In
fact, my downstairs is currently screaming at me. Not sure if it has a face or not, but it’s definitely making itself known. Sleeping is probably not going to happen, and I’m not the one with the hard on.

  “You think that’s going to happen?” My eyes flick down to his boxers. He looks down too.

  “Yeah, that is a bit of a problem.” I don’t have enough experience in this area. I don’t know how much control he’s got, or if he needs to take care of it.

  He screws up his face and closes his eyes. I don’t say anything. It’s like he’s mentally talking it down. It takes a few minutes, but, as if by magic, it goes back down. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.

  “Crap. It’s hard looking at you because you turn me on, but I think I got this.” He gets into bed and lies on his back.

  I go to turn the lights off and tentatively get in after him, also rolling onto my back.

  “How you doing over there?” I say.

  “Good. We’re good.” He gives me a thumbs up. I hold my hand up and he gives me a high five.

  “Sorry about the sex thing.”

  “Honestly, I’m kind of glad you said to stop. You weren’t the only one freaking out. We shouldn’t rush into it. We’ve waited this long, right?”

  I turn on my side to face him.

  “Right.” We’d definitely made the right decision. “Goodnight, Real Boyfriend,” I say and give him a quick peck.

  “Goodnight, Real Girlfriend.”

  Jett and I don’t have sex the next day. Or the next. We Real Date for an entire week, and then another. We talk about it though. Nearly every night. No two people have ever talked more about sex without actually doing it. We both agree that if we let ourselves get beyond kissing, we’ll probably get carried away, so the lines are pretty clear.

  This time, though, we don’t write the rules down. They’re more . . . understood, and also more fluid.

  I adore being with Jett. Every second with him makes me want to explode with happiness. I can’t even deal with it sometimes. Every single day, he makes me a crane. I’ve got so many, my room is filled with them, and now they’re roosting around the apartment. He often writes little things on the wings, and I date every single one.

  He finally shows me my portrait, along with the several I didn’t even know he’d done. It’s obvious when I look at them that he loved me when he drew them, which was probably why he didn’t want me to see them. They take their place on his wall just beside his bed, so he sees a portrait me when he wakes up, and also real me. It kind of freaks me out seeing my face like that, but Jett’s so talented that I don’t mind that much.

  I’m also on the road to mending my relationships with my friends. We talk a lot, and I’m so much happier in that arena as well. Hazel and I have made up, and she’s even quitting smoking. Or at least she’s trying.

  It’s almost finals week, and I’m stressing out about my classes, but for the first time I have someone to tell me to calm the fuck down and that I’ll be fine.

  Jett has been so amazing that I want to do something for him. So one night when we’re in bed and after we’ve had our requisite sex talk, I bring it up.

  “So I was thinking we might take a road trip this weekend.”

  “Where?” I take a breath, because I really don’t know how he is going to take this.

  “I was thinking we could visit your house and maybe see your sister. If you’re ready.”

  He looks at me and I can’t read the expression on his face. Is he mad? Is he shocked?

  “We’ll take my car and we can just drive by. Just so you can see her. Or we don’t have to go at all. I just know how much you love her and care about her and want to make sure she’s all right.”

  He keeps looking at me and then he leans forward and gives me a kiss.

  “I love you.” Okay, so he’s not mad. Good.

  “I love you, too. So we’ll do it?”

  “Yeah. We’ll do it.”

  “Are you freaking out? We can go back,” I say as I pull onto the road that leads to Jett’s house. His family lives in one of those developments where all the lawns are artificially green and all the houses look like they’re from a magazine. The opposite of what I had growing up.

  “No, just go.” His words are clipped and I know he is freaking out because he won’t stop cracking his knuckles.

  I take his lead and keep driving. His house is number nineteen. I drive past the first few houses and slow way down when I get close.

  “They’re home,” he says, pointing to two cars in the driveway. He takes a shaky breath as I drive as slow as I can by the house. They probably think I’m casing it for a potential robbery. Which is why I suggested we take my car.

  We’re just past the house when the door opens and someone runs out.

  “Pull over, pull over!” Jett says, and as soon as I stop the car he’s out the door. As soon as I figure out what’s going on, I see why.

  He holds his arms out and girl who’s an older version of the girl in the pictures on his wall flings herself into them, laughing and screaming. River. They hug for a long time and her mouth doesn’t stop moving as she chatters away. I notice she’s wearing an ankle-length skirt and her glossy hair is all the way down her back.

  He finally sets her down and I can see that both of them are crying. He presses something into her hand, and looks back toward the house as the door opens again. Yeah, time to go. Jett races back toward my car.

  “Go, go, go!” I peel out and the girl waves behind us before dashing back toward the house. I catch just a brief glimpse of Jett’s mom coming outside, but then I turn a corner and the house is no longer visible. I don’t stop driving for several more minutes. Jett’s been silent the whole time.

  I turn onto a wooded back road and drive until the sound of the pavement is gone.

  “So that was your sister?” Duh, Shannon.

  “Yeah.” He still seems a little breathless.

  “Is she okay?”

  “Yeah. She misses me and she’s been trying to get away to come see me. I gave her my phone number and the address of the apartment, so she can come see me if she wants to. I can’t believe how different she looks.”

  Tears are streaming down his face and I lean over and put my arms around him. It’s hard to hug in a car, but I’m doing it anyway.

  He cries for a while and I cry with him. We sit there in my car for a long time. Jett turns his head and kisses me, tasting of tears. These are fierce kisses, filled with longing and anger and hurt and hope. Before I know it, he’s pulling me onto his lap and my clothes start to disappear.

  “Now?” he says, his multicolored eyes burning into mine.

  “Now.”

  There is no way we can do this in the front seat, so we move to the back. We get down to where I’m just in my bra and he’s just in his boxers and I start to question if this is the best idea or not. Seeing as how it’s the middle of the day and the road is not that far away.

  But I don’t care. This feels right and I know Jett feels it too.

  Well, all is right until he tries to unhook my bra. I don’t want to say anything, but I can tell he’s struggling. I should have given him lessons. He makes a sound of frustration against my mouth and I reach behind my back and do it for him.

  “Thanks,” he says, kissing his way down my neck.

  “Anytime.”

  And then my bra is off and it’s the first glimpse of me half naked that Jett’s gotten since the night we made things official.

  “I almost feel like I should give you a round of applause,” he says as his hands skim over my skin. Jesus. That feels soooo good. I could get off just from this.

  He pinches my nipples hesitantly and I can’t help the moan that comes out of my mouth.

  “Do you like that?”

  “You could say that.”

  “Would you like it if I kissed you?”

  What kind of question is that?

  “Yessss,” I say as he lowers his m
outh over one of my nipples and sucks it into his mouth.

  Holy shit. Was this what I was missing? Jett’s hand works on the other nipple, rolling it back and forth between his fingers. Don’t know where he learned that, but I’m pretty damn happy.

  He spends a lot of quality time on my nipples and by the time he’s done, if he breathed on me, I’d have an orgasm.

  “Was that okay?” He asks so sweetly that I want to laugh.

  “Good job,” I say, and pat him on the shoulder.

  “So you want me to do more?”

  “Fuck yes.” He smiles and kisses his way down to the seam of my underwear. Moment of truth. I don’t know if I’m ready for him to have his face down there, but when he glances back up at me as his hands start pulling my panties down, his eyes are dark and I can see that he wants me. Well, shit, I want him too.

  I lift my hips up and he gets my panties down and then off. Welp. Here I am.

  I fight the urge to cover myself as he inhales slowly and looks at me.

  “Yes, I’m definitely drawing you like this.”

  I can feel the blush on my face as he lowers his head and kisses just under my belly button. I know what he’s going to ask, so I’m going to answer him before he does.

  “Yes. I want you to.” I send up a little prayer that I don’t taste bad.

  And then his mouth is touching me there once, twice, three times. And that’s all it takes for everything inside me to release and I’m crying out his name, my hips thrusting toward his mouth. He seems a little surprised, but I’m sure he knows about the female orgasm. As soon as the first one is over his mouth is on me again, licking and sucking, getting more confident, and driving me to the edge and over again. I’ve never come so quickly, or so forcefully, or so much in succession. Christ.

  He looks up at me.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fucking amazing.” I can’t seem to stop swearing. The situation seems to require it. “Do I taste bad?” I can’t help but ask. I’ve got to know.

  “No, you taste sweet. I had the feeling you would. But, um, I’m really close to losing it, so I think we need to . . .”