I Believe You (A Contemporary Novel)

  “He broke his arm.”

  “The nurse said that?”

  “No, I didn’t ask—”

  “Then let’s just presume that he has a very, very high fever, okay?” Jacky argued. “Please, Joanna. Mr Kam has a very high fever. Come on, repeat after me. Mr Kam has a very high—”

  “—fever,” I said, feeling like a primary school child.

  “No, you must repeat after me. Every single word. Mr Kam has a very high fever. Come on.”

  “Mr Kam has a very high fever,” I said and then realized something.

  When I was with Jacky, I felt like a child in a kindergarten. And he; he was neither the teacher, nor one of the children. He was the big brother who always stood outside the room, looking through the window, smiling, encouraging and giving me tips. And throughout the whole day, I would be staring at the window, wondering when I would be able to be with him again.

  Oh shit. Have I lost my mind? What the hell am I thinking?

  10

  “She knows how to get here?” Jacky asked me for the fifth time.

  “Yes,” I answered impatiently. We were at the waiting area of CGC waiting for Landy. Jacky and I had come down directly after school. Landy said she had applied for leave just for the appointment.

  The lift door opened and, finally, Landy appeared. She was wearing a body-hugging T-shirt and jeans. “Landy, this is Jacky,” I said. Jacky’s eyes were wide open, looking at the wall behind Landy. Landy smiled broadly and held up her hand for a handshake.

  “Hi, Jacky. I’ve heard a lot about you,” Landy said, obviously trying to tease me.

  Jacky looked surprised, as if Landy was some superstar. Have they met before? His eyes did not meet Landy’s. Instead, he kept on staring at me, then at the wall behind Landy. He seemed to be avoiding Landy. “Oh, Landy.” He shook his head for a while. Landy’s hand was still up. “Oh, Landy, Landy. Hi, Landy,” he said, waving to Landy instead. Then he massaged his forehead for a while.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” Jacky whispered, “just another headache. Landy is too beautiful, she’s giving me a headache.”

  Landy laughed and we went to the waiting area. Dr Ong came out shortly, inspecting Jacky. Landy greeted Dr Ong, but he was too intent on studying Jacky.

  “Dr Ong, this is Jacky.” I pointed at Jacky, then at Landy. “And this is Landy.”

  Dr Ong turned and looked at Landy for a while, then said, “Okay, Landy, can you follow me to the room?”

  “What?” Jacky whispered. He crossed his legs and bit his teeth, looking uncomfortable. Dr Ong then smiled at Jacky. I patted Jacky’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Dr Ong is a nice guy.” Dr Ong then went to the room with Landy.

  Jacky remained silent, as if he was deep in thought. I had never seen him so quiet before. However, since there was nothing I could do, we just sat staring into space. A few minutes later, Dr Ong came out alone.

  “Jacky?” Dr Ong called. He held up his hand and, this time, Jacky shook it. “Come this way, please. Joanna, you stay here for a while, okay? I need to talk to them alone.”

  I nodded.

  I killed time by drinking water from the water cooler, reading magazines about parenting and counting the chairs in the waiting area. About half an hour later, I was summoned to the room. Landy had left, leaving Jacky alone in the room. Strangely, I had not seen her walking out. But she had sent me an SMS, explaining that she had something on.

  “Jacky, you may go out now.”

  I nearly laughed. Just when I thought things were going to be exciting, Jacky was sent out. In any case, I felt more comfortable with Dr Ong alone.

  “I’ll assign another therapist for you,” Dr Ong said.

  “I cursed the previous one. Told him that he would break his arm. He asked for it. That’s why he’s on long-term MC.”

  “He had malaria, Joanna. He didn’t break his arm.”

  I said nothing, knowing that he must be lying to make me feel better. Doctors always lie, right?

  “It’s true. Anyway, I’ve decided to increase the dosage of your antidepressants. Don’t keep yourself hungry. Have some carbohydrates, like rice or noodles, when you’re hungry. It’ll make you feel better. Don’t let your stomach yell for food.”

  “Whatever.”

  “I’ll call you again after I’ve assigned another therapist for you.”

  I was desperate to get out of the room. To meet Jacky, perhaps. After Dr Ong was done, I dashed out and, as I predicted, Jacky was relaxing on the sofa, reading one of the parenting magazines upside down. But he was not smiling. That was not normal. In fact, that was very abnormal.

  He wanted to take a taxi. After much discussion, I agreed. His stern expression somehow made me weak, as if I had to give in to his every request.

  When we were inside the taxi, Jacky said, “West Coast Park.”

  I protested, but he said nothing. And when he said nothing, it meant something. So I went with him.

  Oh, gosh, where the hell is Landy when I most need her?

  *   *   *

  We took a long walk along the beach, looking out at the sea.

  The sun was setting, leaving a breathtaking image on the horizon. The sea seemed to be slowly devouring the yellow light at the horizon. The tide was high, constantly threatening to push the sea to our feet.

  We chatted as we walked. Jacky told me more about his childhood and his mother. He said that he felt compelled to help others when he was young due to his father’s death. His father was his hero. I, having nothing to say about any hero, just told him more about Landy. I was about to mention one of Landy’s funny habits when he suddenly interrupted.

  “Can I hold your hand?” he said.

  I wanted to smile, to jump around in ecstasy and hug him tight, and then kiss him and tell him how delighted I was. However, I just balled my hands into fists and whispered, “I only allow my boyfriend to hold my hand.”

  “Can I hold your hand?”

  I looked away from him, trying to find something to say. “You can’t be my boyfriend. You said that before. You’ve got your…reasons.”

  “Can I hold your hand?”

  That was when I felt like punching him. “No. Because only lovers hold hands. And we are not lovers.” Not yet.

  “Can I hold your hand?”

  “I am not your girlfriend. I cannot be because you’ve got your own reasons. And I’ve got this curse.”

  “Can I hold your hand?

  “Only if you’re my boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend, then you can. You’re not my boyfriend.”

  “Can I hold your hand?”

  “Remember what you once said?” I bit my lips. I was staring at the ground, my heart beating a lot faster. My body seemed to jerk and I was blinking fast. “If we hold hands, my reputation will be tarnished. You…don’t want that to occur.”

  “Can I…hold your hand?” he repeated, this time a lot weaker.

  I continued walking. That was getting nowhere. I turned to him, ready to scold him aloud when I saw the most heartfelt emotion in a person.

  His eyes were red, and a few tears were rolling off his eyes. He was breathing deeply. For the first time since I had known him, the tough and jovial Jacky was crying in front of me.

  And he did not hold my hand. Instead, I held his and wiped off his tears. Once I took a deep breath, tears rolled out of my eyes as well, and I began to tremble.

  We were like two scared, crying school kids who were lost. But whenever I felt his hand on mine, I felt no fear.

  Only warmth.

  *   *   *

  We held hands till we reached my house. Throughout the journey, we were silent, as if words had suddenly vanished from our mind. But when we arrived at my void deck, he released my hand and said, “Joanna, I’m always here. I’m always here, if you ever need me. Here.” He pointed to his heart.

  I could no longer resist the urge to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him. The i
ntrovert Joanna was crying for the second time within a span of an hour. “Thanks,” that was all I could manage to say.

  Jacky released me gently and used his fingers, ever so tenderly, to wipe off my tears. “Remember this. If you ever need me and I’m not around, just wait for me. Because I’ll always be here.”

  I nodded.

  “I am just like the sun, and you the flower. I’ll provide sunlight for you to blossom. Sometimes, clouds will prevent me from reaching you. But you’ll know that I’m always trying to reach you. Just wait for the clouds to clear if you can’t receive my sunlight.”

  I nodded. If he continued, I could flood the void deck with my tears.

  “Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change the way you do things. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking by changing your behaviour to be happy. But, me…me. Joanna, I will change the world for you. So that you will be happy.”

  I said nothing because my throat was choked with my sobbing.

  Gosh oh gosh. Don’t wake me up. Please, let time come to a standstill now. Right now. Gosh.

  *   *   *

  Landy was munching biscuits on the sofa when I reached home. I had always envied how she could eat a lot and yet maintain her weight. When she saw my red eyes, we started our girls’ talk again.

  And I told her what I felt.

  “I’ve fallen in love with a guy. His name is Jacky Wu Zhong Xian. But I don’t know if he likes me or not,” I said. I was lying on the sofa, still in my uniform. I did not feel like bathing, as if the water would wash away Jacky’s hug.

  “Of course he likes you! I mean, he held your hand, he said all those…mushy, yet romantic things. Don’t tell me he says that to every girl,” Landy said. She seemed to know everything.

  Although she made sense, I still could not forget what had happened that night. “But that day, he said that I could not be his girlfriend. For some reason.”

  She sighed. “Guys. Maybe he wasn’t ready that day. Now that he is ready, what are you waiting for?”

  What am I waiting for?

  11

  I got a call from a nurse the next morning. Dr Ong had assigned another therapist for me. I agreed to go, but I had already decided not to. I had ruined Mr Kam with my curse. They had to believe it.

  Jacky became Jacky again. It was like the previous day had never occurred. He continued to wear that smile everywhere he went. I wondered if he would treat me like a girlfriend; but no, he treated me just like how he had treated me before. There was no difference.

  We spent the next few days studying as normal. By the next week, we were on schedule for the full dress rehearsal of our play.

  We had agreed to sing the song together near the end of the play. And I had agreed to do the play with an impromptu script. After we had changed into our costumes, I waited backstage. The song was then played loudly.

  “2.00 a.m. and the rain is falling

  Here we are at the crossroads once again

  You’re tellin’ me you’re so confused

  You can’t make up your mind

  Is this meant to be

  You’re asking me”

  Jacky was lying on the stage, his eyes closed. I walked onto the stage slowly, looking at the “unconscious” Jacky.

  “Romeo,” I whispered, “no, Romeo…” I rushed forward and knelt in front of him, holding his head up. I could hear his breaths and smell his sweat. “Romeo…” I held his hand and clutched it tight. It was warm. I gripped it tighter and then lay my head on his chest. “Why are you going away now when I’m so in love with you? Why?”

  The audience, comprising our tutors and classmates, was so quiet that we might even hear the flapping of a mosquito’s wings. My breaths were unsteady. I was blinking fast again. “Please leh, stay with me. I love you.”

  I should have given the cue to play the song, but I forgot to do that. Instead, I laid my head on Jacky’s chest, hearing his every heartbeat. Strangely, I had a fear: I feared that his heart might stop beating anytime.

  After about a minute of silence, the song was played again.

  “But only love can say

  Try again or walk away

  But I believe

  For you and me

  The sun will shine one day

  So I’ll just play my part

  And pray you’ll have a change of heart

  But I can’t make you see it through

  That’s something only love can do…”

  When the song faded off, I looked at a cup of green tea beside me. “Poison,” I said to let the audience know that, that was not green tea. “Poison…” I tightened my grip on his hand and heard a soft groan from Jacky through his closed mouth. “Wait for me, Jacky. What for I live when you not around?” I gulped the green tea.

  I shook and nodded my head for several seconds before dropping onto the floor, my hand still holding on to Jacky’s. After a while, I sensed movement. Jacky was waking up. He said something before lying on my back.

  Everyone clapped. We thought we had done very well until one of the tutors spotted an obvious mistake.

  “When you’re on the stage,” she said, “Jacky is Romeo and you’re Juliet.”

  I wondered whether she was being sarcastic or she was serious about pointing out my mistake.

  *   *   *

  Our literature tutor, Mrs Goh, treated us to dinner after the full dress rehearsal.

  Everyone was impressed with our performance. They said Jacky and I had acted with emotions and it was a very touching play.

  “Call Landy and get her to join us,” Jacky cut in after we had placed our orders. I thought that was not a good idea, so I did not call her. But Jacky persisted. “Go on, call her.”

  “No means no,” I said. I felt like we were a couple having a spat in front of our friends. Am I going to say, “You’re going to get it from me when we get home”? Jacky shook his head slightly and gave up.

  The students got their parents or partner to send them home. Mrs Goh offered to send Jacky and me home, but we politely refused. And so, we took a long bus ride back home.

  “Call Landy,” Jacky commanded when we were in the bus. There were less than ten people in the bus.

  “For what?”

  He glanced out of the window then pressed the bell. With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bus. I pushed his hand off and looked around me. “Knock it off! What the heck are you doing?” We were at a deserted bus stop.

  “Why didn’t you go for the previous appointment with Dr Ong? Listen to me, Joanna. Listen to me well. Go for the appointments with Dr Ong. You’re sick.” He pointed to my forehead. “You need help.”

  I shoved his hand off and snorted, “What do you know about me? Why act as if you were me! I cursed one of them! If I had been harsher…” I stopped. I should not talk that much. “Just…” I paused again.

  “I’m going to prove it to you if you still don’t believe me.”

  “Prove what?”

  “Take out your handphone.”

  I threw my bag to the ground and gnashed my teeth. “I’m not your dog. I don’t do what you want me to do!”

  “I’m going to prove that your best friend Landy is just an imaginary friend.”

  I stopped breathing for exactly one second. That was it. That is too much. I slapped his right cheek hard, feeling the pain on my hand. He stared at me as if it did not hurt, but his cheek began to flush.

  “Landy doesn’t exist,” he said.

  I gave him another tight slap. Despite the cars whizzing near us, the loud sound of the impact echoed into the night. Our eyes locked and images of Landy jogged in my mind.

  “You created her. She is the perfect portrayal of a person you desire to be. That’s very normal, Joanna. Nothing to be ashamed of. Many children have imaginary friends. They get over it. You’ve just been talking to your imaginary friend for the—”

  “No!” I yelled. My hand was too painful for anot
her slap. “No, no, no! This can’t be! After all these…after all these fucking…fucking…fuck!” I turned. She is my only friend! A bus came and I raised my hand, but it continued to drive past me. It was an off-service bus.

  “Joanna—”

  “Get away from me.”

  “Take out your handphone. Show me Landy is real.”

  I did as he said.

  “Now, read out Landy’s handphone number to me.”

  I scrolled through my contacts in my handphone. L…Lay Hong, Lemon, Leslie, Luke and finally Luther. I scrolled again. Still the same. Landy Wen Wen Lan was her full name. I scrolled to W. Wendy and Winnie. Still no Landy.

  “9…” I stopped. I did not know what to say. “9…” Her number must be there! Someone must have deleted her number from my handphone. Yes, her number was my last dialled call. I just had to get to my call history.

  Last Dialled Contact: ^_^ Jacky Wu ^_^.

  “No…” I looked up at Jacky. He was frowning, but I knew he must have been enjoying every moment. That bastard …

  “When you talk to the phone, you’re just talking to yourself.”

  “But you saw her! You fucking saw her that day!”

  “I saw no one. I pretended I saw her. Because I did not know what to do. I was so confused. Did you know what you did that day?” He broke into a smile and then nodded at nothing. “Landy, this is Jacky.” He paused. “This was what you did. You were talking to the air.”

  “She was there!” I screamed. “Dr Ong saw her as well—”

  “He pretended as well. He thought if we were to tell you that day, you would be agitated. He said that the best solution for an imaginary friend is to let it go away naturally. Make you happy, make you feel socially involved and the imaginary friend will disappear. That’s the reason why he has increased the dosage of your antidepressants.”

  “My grandmother can see her as well. Explain that to me then!”

  “Your grandmother is three-quarter blind. She can’t tell the difference between Landy and the door. Who else has seen Landy before? No one.”

  “You’re lying,” I said. “You’re lying!” I saw a taxi from afar. I grabbed my bag and raised my hand. “Fuck off, Jacky. You’re ruining my life.”

  “Please—”

  I could hear his fading voice, but he did not give chase. Before I got into the taxi, I took off the watch he had given me for my birthday and threw it far away.

  That bastard. That fucking bastard.

  12

  I cried throughout the whole journey home. The taxi driver did nothing. He must have picked up crying girls all too often.