Service With a Smile

  A thought struck him.’

  ‘Why should Archibald beg crusts of bread?’

  ‘Wouldn’t you, if suffering from the pangs of hunger?’

  ‘He has a salaried position.’

  ‘No longer.”

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘They handed him his hat.”

  ‘His hat? How do you mean, his hat?’

  ‘Putting it another way, his services were dispensed with last week.’

  ‘What!’

  ‘So he told me.’

  ‘He never said anything about it to me.”

  ‘Probably didn’t want to cause you anxiety. He’s a very considerate young man.’

  ‘He’s a poop and a waster!’

  ‘I like his hair, though, don’t you? Well, that’s how matters stand, and I’m afraid it’s going to cost you a lot of money. I don’t see how you’re going to do it under two or three thousand a year. For years and years and years. Great drain on your resources. What a pity it isn’t possible for you just to tell Archie to break the engagement.’ That would solve everything. But of course you can’t do it.’

  ‘Why can’t I? It’s an excellent idea. I’ll go and find him now, and if he raises the slightest objection, I’ll kick his spine up through his hat.’

  ‘No, wait. You still haven’t got that toehold on the situation which I should like to see. You’re forgetting the breach of promise case.

  ‘What breach of promise case?’

  Lord Ickenham’s manner was that of a patient governess explaining a problem in elementary arithmetic to a child who through no fault of its own had been dropped on the head when a baby.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious? If Archie were to break the engagement, the girl’s first move would be to start an action for breach of promise. Even if the idea didn’t occur to her independently, a man like Schoonmaker would see that she did it, and the jury would give her heavy damages without leaving the box. Archie tells me he has written her any number of letters.’

  ‘How can he have written her letters when they’re staying in the same dashed house?’

  ‘Notes would perhaps be a better term. Fervid notes slipped into her hand by daylight or pushed under her door at night. You know what lovers are.”

  ‘Sounds potty.”

  ‘But is frequently done, I believe, when the heart is young.’

  ‘He may not have mentioned marriage.’

  ‘I wouldn’t build too much on that. I know he asked me once how to spell “honeymoon”, which shows the trend his thoughts were taking. You can’t speak of honeymoons in a letter to a girl without laying up trouble for yourself.’ When you consider what a mere reference to chops and tomato sauce did to Mr Pickwick —’

  ‘Who’s Mr Pickwick?’

  ‘Let it pass. I’m only saying that when those notes are read out in court, you’ll be for it.’

  ‘Why, me? If Archibald is fool enough to get involved in a breach of promise case, blast his idiotic eyes. I don’t have to pay his damages.”

  ‘It won’t look well in the gossip columns, if you don’t. He’s your nephew.’

  The Duke uttered a bitter curse on all nephews, and Lord Ickenham agreed that they could be trying, though his own nephew Pongo, he said, held the view that all the trouble in the world was caused by uncles.

  ‘I can see only one ray of hope.’

  ‘What’s that?’ asked the Duke, who was unable to detect even one. His prominent eyes gleamed a little. He was saying to himself that this feller Ickenham might be potty, but apparently he had lucid intervals.

  ‘It may be possible to buy the girl off. We have this in our favour, that she isn’t in love with Archie.’

  ‘Who could be in love with a poop like that?’

  ‘Hers is rather a sad case. You know Meriwether?’

  ‘The feller with the face?’

  ‘A very accurate description. He has a heart of gold, too, but you don’t see that.”

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘He is the man she wants to marry.’

  ‘Meriwether is?’

  ‘Yes.”

  ‘Then why did she get engaged to Archibald?’

  ‘My dear Dunstable! A girl whose father is on the verge of bankruptcy has to look out for herself. She isn’t in a position to let her heart rule her head.’ When she has the opportunity of becoming linked by marriage to a man like you, you can’t expect her not to grab it.’

  ‘That’s true.’

  ‘She would much prefer not to make a marriage of convenience, but she sees no hope of happiness with the man she loves. What stands in the way of her union to Meriwether is money.’

  ‘Hasn’t he got any? You told me he came from Brazil. Fellers make money in Brazil.’

  ‘He didn’t.’ A wasting sickness struck the Brazil nuts, and he lost all his capital.’

  ‘Silly ass.’

  ‘Your sympathy does you credit. Yes, his lack of money is the trouble. And the reason I think Myra Schoonmaker would jump at any adequate offer is that he has just got the chance of buying into a lucrative onion soup business.’

  The Duke started as if stung. The last three words always stirred him to his depths.

  ‘My nephew Alaric runs an onion soup business.’

  ‘No, really?’

  ‘That’s what he does. Writes poetry and sells onion soup. It embarrasses me at the club. Fellers come up to me and ask, “What’s that nephew of yours doing now? “, thinking I’m going to say he’s in the diplomatic service or something, and I have to tell them he’s selling onion soup. Don’t know which way to look.’

  ‘I can understand your emotion. The stuff is very nourishing, I believe, but, as far as I know, no statue has ever been erected to a man who sold onion soup. Still, there’s lots of money in it, and this chap I’m speaking of is doing so well that he wants to expand. He has offered Meriwether a third share in his business for a thousand pounds. So if you were to offer the girl that …’

  ‘A thousand pounds?’

  ‘That’s what Meriwether told me.’

  ‘It’s a great deal of money.’

  ‘That’s why the chap wants it.’

  The Duke pondered. His was a slow mind, and it was only gradually that he ever grasped a thing. But he had begun to see what this Ickenham feller was driving at.

  ‘You think that if I give the girl a thousand pounds, she’ll pass it on to this gargoyle chap, and then she’ll hand Archibald his hat and marry the gargoyle?’

  ‘Exactly. You put it in a nutshell.”

  A sudden healing thought came to the Duke. It was that if he bought the dashed girl off for a thousand and got three thousand from Emsworth for that appalling pig, he would still be comfortably ahead of the game. If it had been within his power to give people grateful looks, he would have given Lord Ickenham one, for it appeared to him that he had found the way.

  ‘I’ll go and write the cheque now,’ he said.’

  2

  It seemed to Lord Ickenham, drowsing in his hammock after the Duke’s departure, that an angel voice was speaking his name, and he speculated for a moment on the possibility of his having been snatched up to heaven in a fiery chariot without noticing it. Then reason told him that an angel, punctilious as all angels are, would scarcely on so brief an acquaintance be addressing him as Uncle Fred, and he sat up, brushing the mists of sleep from his eyes, to see Myra Schoonmaker standing beside him. She was looking as attractive as always, but her clothes struck him as unsuitable for a morning in the country.

  ‘Hullo, young Myra,’ he said. ‘Why all dressed up?’

  ‘I’m going to London. I came to ask if there was any little present I could bring you back.’

  ‘Nothing that I can think of except tobacco. What’s taking you to London?’

  ‘Father has given me a big cheque and wants me to go and buy things.’

  ‘A kindly thought.’ You don’t seem very elated.’

  ‘Not much to be elated about these days
. Everything’s such a mess.’

  ‘Things will clear up.’

  ‘Says you!’

  ‘I would call the outlook rather promising.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know where you get that idea, but I wish you would sell it to Bill. He needs a bracer.’

  ‘Morale low?’

  ‘Very low. He’s all jumpy. You know how you feel when you’re waiting for something to explode.’

  ‘Apprehensive?’

  ‘That’s the word.’ He can’t understand why Lady Constance has said nothing to him.’

  ‘Was he expecting a chat with her?’

  ‘Well, wouldn’t you in his place? He told Lord Emsworth who he was, and Lord Emsworth must have told her.’

  ‘Not necessarily. Perhaps he forgot.’

  ‘Could he forget a thing like that?’

  ‘There is no limit to what Emsworth can forget, especially when he’s distracted about his pig.”

  ‘What’s wrong with the pig? She looked all right to me when I saw her last.’

  ‘What’s wrong is that the Duke has taken her from him.”

  ‘How?’

  ‘It’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it some other time.’ What train are you catching?’

  ‘The ten-thirty-five. I wanted Bill to sneak down to the station and come with me. I thought we might get married.’

  ‘Very sensible. Wouldn’t he?’

  ‘No. He had scruples. He said it would be a low trick to play on Archie.’

  Lord Ickenham sighed.

  ‘Those scruples! They do keep popping up, don’t they? Tell him to relax. Archie’s dearest wish is to marry a girl named Millicent Rigby. He’s engaged to her.’

  ‘But he’s engaged to me.’

  ‘He’s engaged to both of you. very awkward situation for the poor boy.’

  ‘Then why doesn’t he just break it off?’

  ‘He wants to get a thousand pounds out of the Duke to buy into an onion soupery, and he felt that if he jilted the daughter of a millionaire, his chances would be slim. His only course seemed to him to be to sit tight and hope for the best. And you can’t break the engagement because Jimmy would take you back to America. Until this morning the situation was an extraordinarily delicate one.”

  ‘What happened this morning?’

  ‘The Duke somehow or other got the curious idea that your father was on the verge of bankruptcy, and he saw himself faced with the prospect of having to support not only you and Archie but the whole Schoonmaker family. His distaste for this was so great that he left me just now to go and write a cheque for a thousand pounds, payable to you.’ He hopes to buy you off.’

  ‘Buy me off?’

  ‘So that you won’t sue Archie for breach of promise. When you see him, accept the cheque in full settlement, endorse it to Archie, and pay it into his bank. You’ll just have time, if the train isn’t late. Be sure to do it today. The Duke has a nasty habit of stopping cheques. Then, if you explain the situation to him, it is possible that Bill might see his way to joining you on that 10.35 train, and you and he could look in at the registry office tomorrow, being very careful this time to choose the same one. It would wind everything up very neatly.’

  There was a silence. Myra drew a deep breath.

  ‘Uncle Fred, did you work this?’

  Lord Ickenham seemed surprised.

  ‘Work it?’

  ‘Did you tell the Duke Father was broke?’

  Lord Ickenham considered.

  ‘Well, now you mention it,’ he said, ‘it is just possible that some careless word of mine may have given him that impression. Yes, now that I think back, I believe I did say something along those lines. It seemed to me to come under the head of spreading sweetness and light. I thought I would be making everybody happy, except perhaps the Duke.’

  ‘Oh, Uncle Fred!’

  ‘Quite all right, my dear.’

  ‘I’m going to kiss you.’

  ‘Nothing to stop you, as far as I can see.’ Tell me,’ said Lord Ickenham, when this had been done, ‘do you think you can now overcome those scruples of Bill’s?’

  ‘I’ll overcome them.’

  ‘Just as well, perhaps, that he’ll be leaving Blandings Castle. Never outstay your welcome, I always say. Then all that remains is to write a civil note to Lady Constance, thanking her for her hospitality, placing the facts before her and hoping that this finds her in the pink, as it leaves you at present. Give it to Beach. He’ll see that she gets it. Why the light laugh?’

  ‘It was more a giggle. I was thinking I’d like to see her face, when she reads it.’

  ‘Morbid, but understandable. I’m afraid she may not be too pleased. There is always apt to be that trouble when you start spreading sweetness and light. You find there isn’t enough to go around and someone has to be left out of the distribution. very difficult to get a full hand.’

  3

  In supposing that, having given audience to the Duke, Mr Schoonmaker, Archie Gilpin and Myra, he would now be allowed that restful solitude which was so necessary to him when digesting the morning eggs and bacon, Lord Ickenham was in error. This time it was not an angel voice that interrupted his slumber, but more of a bleat, as if an elderly sheep in the vicinity had been endowed with speech. Only one man of his acquaintance bleated in just that manner, and he was not surprised, on assuming an upright pose, to find that it was Lord Emsworth who had been called to his attention. The ninth earl was drooping limply at his side, as if some un-friendly hand had removed his spinal column.

  Having become reconciled by now to being in the position of a French monarch of the old régime holding a levee, Lord Ickenham showed no annoyance, but greeted him with a welcoming smile and said that it was a nice day.

  ‘The sun,’ he said, indicating it.

  Lord Emsworth looked at the sun, and gave it a nod of approval.

  ‘I came to give you something.’

  ‘The right spirit.’ It’s not my birthday, but I am always open to receive presents. What sort of something?’

  ‘I’m sorry to say I’ve forgotten.’

  ‘Too bad.’

  ‘I shall remember it in time, I expect.’

  ‘I’ll count the minutes.’

  ‘And there’s something I wanted to tell you.’

  ‘But you’ve forgotten it?’

  ‘No, I remember that. It is about the Empress. I have been thinking it over, Ickenham, and I have decided to buy the Empress from Dunstable. I admit I hesitated for awhile, because his price was so stiff. He is asking three thousand pounds.’

  It took a great deal to disturb Lord Ickenham’s normal calm, but at these words he could not repress a gasp.’

  ‘Three thousand pounds! For a pig?’

  ‘For the Empress,’ Lord Emsworth corrected in a reverent voice.

  ‘Kick him in the stomach!’

  ‘No, I must have the Empress, no matter what the cost. I am lost without her.’ I’m on my way to see her now.’

  ‘Who’s attending to her wants now that Wellbeloved’s gone?’

  ‘Oh, I’ve taken Wellbeloved back,’ said Lord Emsworth, looking a little sheepish, as a man will who has done the weak thing. ‘I had no alternative.’ The Empress needs constant care and attention, and no pigman I have ever had has understood her as Wellbeloved does. But I gave him a good talking to. And do you know what he said to me? He said something that shocked me profoundly.’

  Lord Ickenham nodded.

  ‘These rugged sons of the soil don’t always watch their language.’ They tend at times to get a bit Shakespearian. What did he call you?’

  ‘He didn’t call me anything.’

  ‘Then what shocked you?’

  ‘What he said. He said that Briggs woman who bribed him to steal the Empress was in the pay of Dunstable. It was Dunstable she was working for. I was never so astounded in my life. Should I tax him about it, do you think?’

  ‘In the hope of making him shave his price a bit?’
Lord Ickenham shook his head. ‘I doubt if that would get you anywhere. He would do what I always advise everyone to do, stick to stout denial. All you have to go on is Wellbeloved’s word, and that would not carry much conviction. I like George Cyril Wellbeloved and always enjoy exchanging ideas with him, but I wouldn’t believe his word if he brought it to me on a plate with watercress round it. On this occasion he probably deviated from the policy of a lifetime and told the truth, but what of that? You know and I know that Dunstable is a man who sticks at nothing and would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel a starving orphan out of tuppence. but we are helpless without proof.’ If only he had written some sort of divisional orders, embodying his low schemes in a letter, it would be —’

  ‘Oh!’ said Lord Emsworth.

  ‘Eh?’ said Lord Ickenham.

  ‘I’ve just remembered what it was I came to give you,’ said Lord Emsworth, feeling in his pocket. ‘This letter. It got mixed up with mine. Well, I’ll be getting along and seeing the Empress. Would you care to come?’

  ‘Come? Oh, I see what you mean. I think not, thanks. Later on, perhaps.’

  Lord Ickenham spoke absently.’ He had opened the letter, and a glance at the signature had told him that its contents might well be fraught with interest.

  His correspondent was Lavender Briggs.

  Chapter Twelve

  1

  The door of Lady Constance’s boudoir flew open and something large and spectacled shot out, so rapidly that it was only by an adroit pas seul that Beach, who happened to be passing at the moment, avoided a damaging collision.

  ‘Oops!’ said Mr Schoonmaker, for the large spectacled object was he. ‘Pardon me.’

  ‘Pardon me, sir,’ said Beach.’

  ‘No, no, pardon me,’ said Mr Schoonmaker.

  ‘Very good, sir,’ said Beach.’

  He was regarding this man who had so nearly become his dancing partner with a surprise which he did not allow to appear on his moonlike features, for butlers are not permitted by the rules of their guild to look surprised. Earlier in the day he had viewed Mr Schoonmaker with some concern, thinking that his face seemed pale and drawn, as if he were suffering from a headache, but now there had been a magical change and it was plain that he had made a quick recovery. The cheeks glowed, and the eyes, formerly like oysters in the last stages of dissolution, were bright and sparkling. Exuberant was the word Beach would have applied to the financier, if he had happened to know it.’ He had once heard Lord Ickenham use the expression ‘All spooked up with zip and vinegar’, and it was thus that he was mentally labelling Mr Schoonmaker now. Unquestionably spooked up, was his verdict.