Joseph Andrews, Vol. 1

  CHAPTER VIII.

  _In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, andrelates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter hathset an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in thisvicious age._

  Now the rake Hesperus had called for his breeches, and, having wellrubbed his drowsy eyes, prepared to dress himself for all night; bywhose example his brother rakes on earth likewise leave those beds inwhich they had slept away the day. Now Thetis, the good housewife, beganto put on the pot, in order to regale the good man Phoebus after hisdaily labours were over. In vulgar language, it was in the evening whenJoseph attended his lady's orders.

  But as it becomes us to preserve the character of this lady, who is theheroine of our tale; and as we have naturally a wonderful tenderness forthat beautiful part of the human species called the fair sex; before wediscover too much of her frailty to our reader, it will be proper togive him a lively idea of the vast temptation, which overcame all theefforts of a modest and virtuous mind; and then we humbly hope his goodnature will rather pity than condemn the imperfection of human virtue.

  Nay, the ladies themselves will, we hope, be induced, by considering theuncommon variety of charms which united in this young man's person, tobridle their rampant passion for chastity, and be at least as mild astheir violent modesty and virtue will permit them, in censuring theconduct of a woman who, perhaps, was in her own disposition as chasteas those pure and sanctified virgins who, after a life innocently spentin the gaieties of the town, begin about fifty to attend twice _perdiem_ at the polite churches and chapels, to return thanks for the gracewhich preserved them formerly amongst beaus from temptations perhapsless powerful than what now attacked the Lady Booby.

  Mr Joseph Andrews was now in the one-and-twentieth year of his age. Hewas of the highest degree of middle stature; his limbs were put togetherwith great elegance, and no less strength; his legs and thighs wereformed in the exactest proportion; his shoulders were broad and brawny,but yet his arm hung so easily, that he had all the symptoms of strengthwithout the least clumsiness. His hair was of a nut-brown colour, andwas displayed in wanton ringlets down his back; his forehead was high,his eyes dark, and as full of sweetness as of fire; his nose a littleinclined to the Roman; his teeth white and even; his lips full, red, andsoft; his beard was only rough on his chin and upper lip; but hischeeks, in which his blood glowed, were overspread with a thick down;his countenance had a tenderness joined with a sensibilityinexpressible. Add to this the most perfect neatness in his dress, andan air which, to those who have not seen many noblemen, would give anidea of nobility.

  Such was the person who now appeared before the lady. She viewed himsome time in silence, and twice or thrice before she spake changed hermind as to the manner in which she should begin. At length she said tohim, "Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints against you: I am toldyou behave so rudely to the maids, that they cannot do their business inquiet; I mean those who are not wicked enough to hearken to yoursolicitations. As to others, they may, perhaps, not call you rude; forthere are wicked sluts who make one ashamed of one's own sex, and are asready to admit any nauseous familiarity as fellows to offer it: nay,there are such in my family, but they shall not stay in it; thatimpudent trollop who is with child by you is discharged by this time."

  As a person who is struck through the heart with a thunderbolt looksextremely surprised, nay, and perhaps is so too--thus the poor Josephreceived the false accusation of his mistress; he blushed and lookedconfounded, which she misinterpreted to be symptoms of his guilt, andthus went on:--

  "Come hither, Joseph: another mistress might discard you for theseoffences; but I have a compassion for your youth, and if I could becertain you would be no more guilty--Consider, child," laying her handcarelessly upon his, "you are a handsome young fellow, and might dobetter; you might make your fortune." "Madam," said Joseph, "I do assureyour ladyship I don't know whether any maid in the house is man orwoman." "Oh fie! Joseph," answered the lady, "don't commit another crimein denying the truth. I could pardon the first; but I hate a lyar.""Madam," cries Joseph, "I hope your ladyship will not be offended at myasserting my innocence; for, by all that is sacred, I have never offeredmore than kissing." "Kissing!" said the lady, with great discomposure ofcountenance, and more redness in her cheeks than anger in her eyes; "doyou call that no crime? Kissing, Joseph, is as a prologue to a play. CanI believe a young fellow of your age and complexion will be content withkissing? No, Joseph, there is no woman who grants that but will grantmore; and I am deceived greatly in you if you would not put her closelyto it. What would you think, Joseph, if I admitted you to kiss me?"Joseph replied he would sooner die than have any such thought. "Andyet, Joseph," returned she, "ladies have admitted their footmen to suchfamiliarities; and footmen, I confess to you, much less deserving them;fellows without half your charms--for such might almost excuse thecrime. Tell me therefore, Joseph, if I should admit you to such freedom,what would you think of me?--tell me freely." "Madam," said Joseph, "Ishould think your ladyship condescended a great deal below yourself.""Pugh!" said she; "that I am to answer to myself: but would not youinsist on more? Would you be contented with a kiss? Would not yourinclinations be all on fire rather by such a favour?" "Madam," saidJoseph, "if they were, I hope I should be able to controul them, withoutsuffering them to get the better of my virtue." You have heard, reader,poets talk of the statue of Surprize; you have heard likewise, or elseyou have heard very little, how Surprize made one of the sons of Croesusspeak, though he was dumb. You have seen the faces, in theeighteen-penny gallery, when, through the trap-door, to soft or nomusic, Mr. Bridgewater, Mr. William Mills, or some other of ghostlyappearance, hath ascended, with a face all pale with powder, and a shirtall bloody with ribbons;--but from none of these, nor from Phidias orPraxiteles, if they should return to life--no, not from the inimitablepencil of my friend Hogarth, could you receive such an idea of surprizeas would have entered in at your eyes had they beheld the Lady Boobywhen those last words issued out from the lips of Joseph. "Your virtue!"said the lady, recovering after a silence of two minutes; "I shall neversurvive it. Your virtue!--intolerable confidence! Have you the assuranceto pretend, that when a lady demeans herself to throw aside the rules ofdecency, in order to honour you with the highest favour in her power,your virtue should resist her inclination? that, when she had conqueredher own virtue, she should find an obstruction in yours?" "Madam," saidJoseph, "I can't see why her having no virtue should be a reason againstmy having any; or why, because I am a man, or because I am poor, myvirtue must be subservient to her pleasures." "I am out of patience,"cries the lady: "did ever mortal hear of a man's virtue? Did ever thegreatest or the gravest men pretend to any of this kind? Willmagistrates who punish lewdness, or parsons who preach against it, makeany scruple of committing it? And can a boy, a stripling, have theconfidence to talk of his virtue?" "Madam," says Joseph, "that boy isthe brother of Pamela, and would be ashamed that the chastity of hisfamily, which is preserved in her, should be stained in him. If thereare such men as your ladyship mentions, I am sorry for it; and I wishthey had an opportunity of reading over those letters which my fatherhath sent me of my sister Pamela's; nor do I doubt but such an examplewould amend them." "You impudent villain!" cries the lady in a rage; "doyou insult me with the follies of my relation, who hath exposed himselfall over the country upon your sister's account? a little vixen, whom Ihave always wondered my late Lady Booby ever kept in her house. Sirrah!get out of my sight, and prepare to set out this night; for I will orderyou your wages immediately, and you shall be stripped and turned away.""Madam," says Joseph, "I am sorry I have offended your ladyship, I amsure I never intended it." "Yes, sirrah," cries she, "you have had thevanity to misconstrue the little innocent freedom I took, in order totry whether what I had heard was true. O' my conscience, you have hadthe assurance to imagine I was fond of you myself." Joseph answered, hehad only spoke out of tenderness for his virtue; at which words sheflew into a viol
ent passion, and refusing to hear more, ordered himinstantly to leave the room.

  He was no sooner gone than she burst forth into the followingexclamation:--"Whither doth this violent passion hurry us? Whatmeannesses do we submit to from its impulse! Wisely we resist its firstand least approaches; for it is then only we can assure ourselves thevictory. No woman could ever safely say, so far only will I go. Have Inot exposed myself to the refusal of my footman? I cannot bear thereflection." Upon which she applied herself to the bell, and rung itwith infinite more violence than was necessary--the faithful Slipslopattending near at hand: to say the truth, she had conceived a suspicionat her last interview with her mistress, and had waited ever since inthe antechamber, having carefully applied her ears to the keyhole duringthe whole time that the preceding conversation passed between Josephand the lady.