Joseph Andrews, Vol. 1

  CHAPTER XVII.

  _A pleasant discourse between the two parsons and the bookseller, whichwas broke off by an unlucky accident happening in the inn, whichproduced a dialogue between Mrs Tow-wouse and her maid of nogentle kind._

  As soon as Adams came into the room, Mr Barnabas introduced him to thestranger, who was, he told him, a bookseller, and would be as likely todeal with him for his sermons as any man whatever. Adams, saluting thestranger, answered Barnabas, that he was very much obliged to him; thatnothing could be more convenient, for he had no other business to thegreat city, and was heartily desirous of returning with the young man,who was just recovered of his misfortune. He then snapt his fingers (aswas usual with him), and took two or three turns about the room in anextasy. And to induce the bookseller to be as expeditious as possible,as likewise to offer him a better price for his commodity, he assuredthem their meeting was extremely lucky to himself; for that he had themost pressing occasion for money at that time, his own being almostspent, and having a friend then in the same inn, who was just recoveredfrom some wounds he had received from robbers, and was in a mostindigent condition. "So that nothing," says he, "could be so opportunefor the supplying both our necessities as my making an immediate bargainwith you."

  As soon as he had seated himself, the stranger began in these words:"Sir, I do not care absolutely to deny engaging in what my friend MrBarnabas recommends; but sermons are mere drugs. The trade is so vastlystocked with them, that really, unless they come out with the name ofWhitefield or Wesley, or some other such great man, as a bishop, orthose sort of people, I don't care to touch; unless now it was a sermonpreached on the 30th of January; or we could say in the title-page,published at the earnest request of the congregation, or theinhabitants; but, truly, for a dry piece of sermons, I had rather beexcused; especially as my hands are so full at present. However, sir, asMr Barnabas mentioned them to me, I will, if you please, take themanuscript with me to town, and send you my opinion of it in a veryshort time."

  "Oh!" said Adams, "if you desire it, I will read two or three discoursesas a specimen." This Barnabas, who loved sermons no better than a grocerdoth figs, immediately objected to, and advised Adams to let thebookseller have his sermons: telling him, "If he gave him a direction,he might be certain of a speedy answer;" adding, he need not scrupletrusting them in his possession. "No," said the bookseller, "if it was aplay that had been acted twenty nights together, I believe it wouldbe safe."

  Adams did not at all relish the last expression; he said "he was sorryto hear sermons compared to plays." "Not by me, I assure you," cried thebookseller, "though I don't know whether the licensing act may notshortly bring them to the same footing; but I have formerly known ahundred guineas given for a play."--"More shame for those who gave it,"cried Barnabas.--"Why so?" said the bookseller, "for they got hundredsby it."--"But is there no difference between conveying good or illinstructions to mankind?" said Adams: "Would not an honest mind ratherlose money by the one, than gain it by the other?"--"If you can find anysuch, I will not be their hindrance," answered the bookseller; "but Ithink those persons who get by preaching sermons are the properest tolose by printing them: for my part, the copy that sells best will bealways the best copy in my opinion; I am no enemy to sermons, butbecause they don't sell: for I would as soon print one of Whitefield'sas any farce whatever."

  "Whoever prints such heterodox stuff ought to be hanged," says Barnabas."Sir," said he, turning to Adams, "this fellow's writings (I know notwhether you have seen them) are levelled at the clergy. He would reduceus to the example of the primitive ages, forsooth! and would insinuateto the people that a clergyman ought to be always preaching and praying.He pretends to understand the Scripture literally; and would makemankind believe that the poverty and low estate which was recommended tothe Church in its infancy, and was only temporary doctrine adapted toher under persecution, was to be preserved in her flourishing andestablished state. Sir, the principles of Toland, Woolston, and all thefreethinkers, are not calculated to do half the mischief, as thoseprofessed by this fellow and his followers."

  "Sir," answered Adams, "if Mr Whitefield had carried his doctrine nofarther than you mention, I should have remained, as I once was, hiswell-wisher. I am, myself, as great an enemy to the luxury and splendourof the clergy as he can be. I do not, more than he, by the flourishingestate of the Church, understand the palaces, equipages, dress,furniture, rich dainties, and vast fortunes, of her ministers. Surelythose things, which savour so strongly of this world, become not theservants of one who professed His kingdom was not of it. But when hebegan to call nonsense and enthusiasm to his aid, and set up thedetestable doctrine of faith against good works, I was his friend nolonger; for surely that doctrine was coined in hell; and one would thinknone but the devil himself could have the confidence to preach it. Forcan anything be more derogatory to the honour of God than for men toimagine that the all-wise Being will hereafter say to the good andvirtuous, 'Notwithstanding the purity of thy life, notwithstanding thatconstant rule of virtue and goodness in which you walked upon earth,still, as thou didst not believe everything in the true orthodox manner,thy want of faith shall condemn thee?' Or, on the other side, can anydoctrine have a more pernicious influence on society, than a persuasionthat it will be a good plea for the villain at the last day--'Lord, itis true I never obeyed one of thy commandments, yet punish me not, for Ibelieve them all?'"--"I suppose, sir," said the bookseller, "yoursermons are of a different kind."--"Aye, sir," said Adams; "thecontrary, I thank Heaven, is inculcated in almost every page, or Ishould belye my own opinion, which hath always been, that a virtuous andgood Turk, or heathen, are more acceptable in the sight of their Creatorthan a vicious and wicked Christian, though his faith was as perfectlyorthodox as St Paul's himself."--"I wish you success," says thebookseller, "but must beg to be excused, as my hands are so very full atpresent; and, indeed, I am afraid you will find a backwardness in thetrade to engage in a book which the clergy would be certain to crydown."--"God forbid," says Adams, "any books should be propagated whichthe clergy would cry down; but if you mean by the clergy, some fewdesigning factious men, who have it at heart to establish some favouriteschemes at the price of the liberty of mankind, and the very essence ofreligion, it is not in the power of such persons to decry any book theyplease; witness that excellent book called, 'A Plain Account of theNature and End of the Sacrament;' a book written (if I may venture onthe expression) with the pen of an angel, and calculated to restore thetrue use of Christianity, and of that sacred institution; for what couldtend more to the noble purposes of religion than frequent chearfulmeetings among the members of a society, in which they should, in thepresence of one another, and in the service of the Supreme Being, makepromises of being good, friendly, and benevolent to each other? Now,this excellent book was attacked by a party, but unsuccessfully." Atthese words Barnabas fell a-ringing with all the violence imaginable;upon which a servant attending, he bid him "bring a bill immediately;for that he was in company, for aught he knew, with the devil himself;and he expected to hear the Alcoran, the Leviathan, or Woolstoncommended, if he staid a few minutes longer." Adams desired, "as he wasso much moved at his mentioning a book which he did without apprehendingany possibility of offence, that he would be so kind to propose anyobjections he had to it, which he would endeavour to answer."--"Ipropose objections!" said Barnabas, "I never read a syllable in any suchwicked book; I never saw it in my life, I assure you."--Adams was goingto answer, when a most hideous uproar began in the inn. Mrs Tow-wouse,Mr Tow-wouse, and Betty, all lifting up their voices together; but MrsTow-wouse's voice, like a bass viol in a concert, was clearly anddistinctly distinguished among the rest, and was heard to articulate thefollowing sounds:--"O you damn'd villain! is this the return to all thecare I have taken of your family? This the reward of my virtue? Is thisthe manner in which you behave to one who brought you a fortune, andpreferred you to so many matches, all your betters? To abuse my bed, myown bed, with my own servant! but I'll
maul the slut, I'll tear hernasty eyes out! Was ever such a pitiful dog, to take up with such a meantrollop? If she had been a gentlewoman, like myself, it had been someexcuse; but a beggarly, saucy, dirty servant-maid. Get you out of myhouse, you whore." To which she added another name, which we do not careto stain our paper with. It was a monosyllable beginning with a b--, andindeed was the same as if she had pronounced the words, she-dog. Whichterm we shall, to avoid offence, use on this occasion, though indeedboth the mistress and maid uttered the above-mentioned b--, a wordextremely disgustful to females of the lower sort. Betty had borne allhitherto with patience, and had uttered only lamentations; but the lastappellation stung her to the quick. "I am a woman as well as yourself,"she roared out, "and no she-dog; and if I have been a little naughty, Iam not the first; if I have been no better than I should be," cries she,sobbing, "that's no reason you should call me out of my name; mybe-betters are wo-rse than me."--"Huzzy, huzzy," says Mrs Tow-wouse,"have you the impudence to answer me? Did I not catch you, yousaucy"--and then again repeated the terrible word so odious to femaleears. "I can't bear that name," answered Betty: "if I have been wicked,I am to answer for it myself in the other world; but I have done nothingthat's unnatural; and I will go out of your house this moment, for Iwill never be called she-dog by any mistress in England." Mrs Tow-wousethen armed herself with the spit, but was prevented from executing anydreadful purpose by Mr Adams, who confined her arms with the strengthof a wrist which Hercules would not have been ashamed of. Mr Tow-wouse,being caught, as our lawyers express it, with the manner, and having nodefence to make, very prudently withdrew himself; and Betty committedherself to the protection of the hostler, who, though she could notconceive him pleased with what had happened, was, in her opinion, rathera gentler beast than her mistress.

  Mrs Tow-wouse, at the intercession of Mr Adams, and finding the enemyvanished, began to compose herself, and at length recovered the usualserenity of her temper, in which we will leave her, to open to thereader the steps which led to a catastrophe, common enough, and comicalenough too perhaps, in modern history, yet often fatal to the repose andwell-being of families, and the subject of many tragedies, both in lifeand on the stage.