Joseph Andrews, Vol. 1

  CHAPTER III.

  _The opinion of two lawyers concerning the same gentleman, with MrAdams's inquiry into the religion of his host._

  He had just entered the house, and called for his pint, and seatedhimself, when two horsemen came to the door, and, fastening their horsesto the rails, alighted. They said there was a violent shower of raincoming on, which they intended to weather there, and went into a littleroom by themselves, not perceiving Mr Adams.

  One of these immediately asked the other, "If he had seen a more comicaladventure a great while?" Upon which the other said, "He doubtedwhether, by law, the landlord could justify detaining the horse for hiscorn and hay." But the former answered, "Undoubtedly he can; it is anadjudged case, and I have known it tried."

  Adams, who, though he was, as the reader may suspect, a little inclinedto forgetfulness, never wanted more than a hint to remind him,overhearing their discourse, immediately suggested to himself that thiswas his own horse, and that he had forgot to pay for him, which, uponinquiry, he was certified of by the gentlemen; who added, that the horsewas likely to have more rest than food, unless he was paid for.

  The poor parson resolved to return presently to the inn, though he knewno more than Joseph how to procure his horse his liberty; he was,however, prevailed on to stay under covert, till the shower, which wasnow very violent, was over.

  The three travellers then sat down together over a mug of good beer;when Adams, who had observed a gentleman's house as he passed along theroad, inquired to whom it belonged; one of the horsemen had no soonermentioned the owner's name, than the other began to revile him in themost opprobrious terms. The English language scarce affords a singlereproachful word, which he did not vent on this occasion. He charged himlikewise with many particular facts. He said, "He no more regarded afield of wheat when he was hunting, than he did the highway; that he hadinjured several poor farmers by trampling their corn under his horse'sheels; and if any of them begged him with the utmost submission torefrain, his horsewhip was always ready to do them justice." He said,"That he was the greatest tyrant to the neighbours in every otherinstance, and would not suffer a farmer to keep a gun, though he mightjustify it by law; and in his own family so cruel a master, that henever kept a servant a twelvemonth. In his capacity as a justice,"continued he, "he behaves so partially, that he commits or acquits justas he is in the humour, without any regard to truth or evidence; thedevil may carry any one before him for me; I would rather be triedbefore some judges, than be a prosecutor before him: if I had an estatein the neighbourhood, I would sell it for half the value rather thanlive near him."

  Adams shook his head, and said, "He was sorry such men were suffered toproceed with impunity, and that riches could set any man above the law."The reviler, a little after, retiring into the yard, the gentleman whohad first mentioned his name to Adams began to assure him "that hiscompanion was a prejudiced person. It is true," says he, "perhaps, thathe may have sometimes pursued his game over a field of corn, but he hathalways made the party ample satisfaction: that so far from tyrannisingover his neighbours, or taking away their guns, he himself knew severalfarmers not qualified, who not only kept guns, but killed game withthem; that he was the best of masters to his servants, and several ofthem had grown old in his service; that he was the best justice of peacein the kingdom, and, to his certain knowledge, had decided manydifficult points, which were referred to him, with the greatest equityand the highest wisdom; and he verily believed, several persons wouldgive a year's purchase more for an estate near him, than under the wingsof any other great man." He had just finished his encomium when hiscompanion returned and acquainted him the storm was over. Upon whichthey presently mounted their horses and departed.

  Adams, who was in the utmost anxiety at those different characters ofthe same person, asked his host if he knew the gentleman: for he beganto imagine they had by mistake been speaking of two several gentlemen."No, no, master," answered the host (a shrewd, cunning fellow); "I knowthe gentleman very well of whom they have been speaking, as I do thegentlemen who spoke of him. As for riding over other men's corn, to myknowledge he hath not been on horseback these two years. I never heardhe did any injury of that kind; and as to making reparation, he is notso free of his money as that comes to neither. Nor did I ever hear ofhis taking away any man's gun; nay, I know several who have guns intheir houses; but as for killing game with them, no man is stricter; andI believe he would ruin any who did. You heard one of the gentlemen sayhe was the worst master in the world, and the other that he is the best;but for my own part, I know all his servants, and never heard from anyof them that he was either one or the other."--"Aye! aye!" says Adams;"and how doth he behave as a justice, pray?"--"Faith, friend," answeredthe host, "I question whether he is in the commission; the only cause Ihave heard he hath decided a great while, was one between those very twopersons who just went out of this house; and I am sure he determinedthat justly, for I heard the whole matter."--"Which did He decide it infavour of?" quoth Adams.--"I think I need not answer that question,"cried the host, "after the different characters you have heard of him.It is not my business to contradict gentlemen while they are drinking inmy house; but I knew neither of them spoke a syllable of truth."--"Godforbid!" said Adams, "that men should arrive at such a pitch ofwickedness to belye the character of their neighbour from a littleprivate affection, or, what is infinitely worse, a private spite. Irather believe we have mistaken them, and they mean two other persons;for there are many houses on the road."--"Why, prithee, friend," criesthe host, "dost thou pretend never to have told a lye in thylife?"--"Never a malicious one, I am certain," answered Adams, "nor witha design to injure the reputation of any man living."--"Pugh! malicious;no, no," replied the host; "not malicious with a design to hang a man,or bring him into trouble; but surely, out of love to oneself, one mustspeak better of a friend than an enemy."--"Out of love to yourself, youshould confine yourself to truth," says Adams, "for by doing otherwiseyou injure the noblest part of yourself, your immortal soul. I canhardly believe any man such an idiot to risque the loss of that by anytrifling gain, and the greatest gain in this world is but dirt incomparison of what shall be revealed hereafter." Upon which the host,taking up the cup, with a smile, drank a health to hereafter; adding,"He was for something present."--"Why," says Adams very gravely, "do notyou believe another world?" To which the host answered, "Yes; he was noatheist."--"And you believe you have an immortal soul?" cries Adams. Heanswered, "God forbid he should not."--"And heaven and hell?" said theparson. The host then bid him "not to profane; for those were things notto be mentioned nor thought of but in church." Adams asked him, "Why hewent to church, if what he learned there had no influence on his conductin life?" "I go to church," answered the host, "to say my prayers andbehave godly."--"And dost not thou," cried Adams, "believe what thouhearest at church?"--"Most part of it, master," returned the host. "Anddost not thou then tremble," cries Adams, "at the thought of eternalpunishment?"--"As for that, master," said he, "I never once thoughtabout it; but what signifies talking about matters so far off? The mugis out, shall I draw another?"

  Whilst he was going for that purpose, a stage-coach drove up to thedoor. The coachman coming into the house was asked by the mistress whatpassengers he had in his coach? "A parcel of squinny-gut b--s," says he;"I have a good mind to overturn them; you won't prevail upon them todrink anything, I assure you." Adams asked him, "If he had not seen ayoung man on horseback on the road" (describing Joseph). "Aye," saidthe coachman, "a gentlewoman in my coach that is his acquaintanceredeemed him and his horse; he would have been here before this time,had not the storm driven him to shelter." "God bless her!" said Adams,in a rapture; nor could he delay walking out to satisfy himself who thischaritable woman was; but what was his surprize when he saw his oldacquaintance, Madam Slipslop? Hers indeed was not so great, because shehad been informed by Joseph that he was on the road. Very civil were thesalutations on both sides; and Mrs Slipslop rebuked the hostess fordenying the gentleman t
o be there when she asked for him; but indeed thepoor woman had not erred designedly; for Mrs Slipslop asked for aclergyman, and she had unhappily mistaken Adams for a person travellingto a neighbouring fair with the thimble and button, or some other suchoperation; for he marched in a swinging great but short white coat withblack buttons, a short wig, and a hat which, so far from having a blackhatband, had nothing black about it.

  Joseph was now come up, and Mrs Slipslop would have had him quit hishorse to the parson, and come himself into the coach; but he absolutelyrefused, saying, he thanked Heaven he was well enough recovered to bevery able to ride; and added, he hoped he knew his duty better than toride in a coach while Mr Adams was on horseback.

  Mrs Slipslop would have persisted longer, had not a lady in the coachput a short end to the dispute, by refusing to suffer a fellow in alivery to ride in the same coach with herself; so it was at lengthagreed that Adams should fill the vacant place in the coach, and Josephshould proceed on horseback.

  They had not proceeded far before Mrs Slipslop, addressing herself tothe parson, spoke thus:--"There hath been a strange alteration in ourfamily, Mr Adams, since Sir Thomas's death." "A strange alterationindeed," says Adams, "as I gather from some hints which have droppedfrom Joseph."--"Aye," says she, "I could never have believed it; but thelonger one lives in the world, the more one sees. So Joseph hath givenyou hints." "But of what nature will always remain a perfect secret withme," cries the parson: "he forced me to promise before he wouldcommunicate anything. I am indeed concerned to find her ladyship behavein so unbecoming a manner. I always thought her in the main a good lady,and should never have suspected her of thoughts so unworthy a Christian,and with a young lad her own servant." "These things are no secrets tome, I assure you," cries Slipslop, "and I believe they will be noneanywhere shortly; for ever since the boy's departure, she hath behavedmore like a mad woman than anything else." "Truly, I am heartilyconcerned," says Adams, "for she was a good sort of a lady. Indeed, Ihave often wished she had attended a little more constantly at theservice, but she hath done a great deal of good in the parish." "O MrAdams," says Slipslop, "people that don't see all, often know nothing.Many things have been given away in our family, I do assure you, withouther knowledge. I have heard you say in the pulpit we ought not to brag;but indeed I can't avoid saying, if she had kept the keys herself, thepoor would have wanted many a cordial which I have let them have. As formy late master, he was as worthy a man as ever lived, and would havedone infinite good if he had not been controlled; but he loved a quietlife, Heaven rest his soul! I am confident he is there, and enjoys aquiet life, which some folks would not allow him here."--Adams answered,"He had never heard this before, and was mistaken if she herself (for heremembered she used to commend her mistress and blame her master) hadnot formerly been of another opinion." "I don't know," replied she,"what I might once think; but now I am confidous matters are as I tellyou; the world will shortly see who hath been deceived; for my part, Isay nothing, but that it is wondersome how some people can carry allthings with a grave face."

  Thus Mr Adams and she discoursed, till they came opposite to a greathouse which stood at some distance from the road: a lady in the coach,spying it, cried, "Yonder lives the unfortunate Leonora, if one canjustly call a woman unfortunate whom we must own at the same time guiltyand the author of her own calamity." This was abundantly sufficient toawaken the curiosity of Mr Adams, as indeed it did that of the wholecompany, who jointly solicited the lady to acquaint them with Leonora'shistory, since it seemed, by what she had said, to contain somethingremarkable.

  The lady, who was perfectly well-bred, did not require many entreaties,and having only wished their entertainment might make amends for thecompany's attention, she began in the following manner.