Little Do We Know

  “It’s good. I promise,” I said. “Keep going.”

  “Maybe you could ask me something?”

  There were hundreds of questions swirling around in my mind, but I wanted to start with something small, something easy, to help him build up to what exactly happened in those three minutes. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

  “I was at a party. I left and got into my car, and as soon as I sat down behind the wheel, I felt this horrible pain in my left side, like I was being stabbed, but I kept driving. When I got to that stop sign by your house, I finally lifted my shirt and looked down. My whole left side was purple. In the dark, it almost looked black. And I felt like I was going to faint, so I punched the gas. All I could think about was getting across the street so I could park.”

  I thought back to that night. How his car rolled to a stop, like no one was driving it. “What happened next?”

  “I reached for my phone on the passenger seat, but it slid to the floor when I hit the gas. When I tried to reach for it again, I threw up. And then…I guess I passed out.”

  I wrapped my hand around my cross pendant and squeezed until it hurt.

  “I heard your voice. And then your dad’s voice. And then everything was gone.”

  I rested my elbows on my knees and leaned in closer. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

  “Suddenly, I was in this stark white room, only it wasn’t a room. There were no walls. But I was standing on something solid, and I was up to my knees in this warm blue water.” He smiled at the memory. “It wasn’t just warm, it was like a bathtub. And it wasn’t just blue, it was more like the color of sapphires. And it glistened. It was thick, like honey, but it wasn’t sticky or anything. My legs were heavy, but I could move, and when I did, the water kind of molded to my skin, like it was wrapping itself around my legs. It sounds weird but it felt…comforting. Safe.

  “I stood there and the water started rising and rising, first past my knees, and then past my waist, and up to my chest. I wasn’t afraid when it got to my chin; I somehow knew that I’d be able to breathe even when it covered my mouth and nose.

  “And when it finally did, I opened my mouth and drank it in, and I could feel it slide down my throat and move into my stomach and out of my fingertips and down to my toes. And I felt…like…pure love. Love for my family, and everyone I’d ever known…” He rested his hand on his chest. “It was indescribable. It was as if my whole body was filled with pure love. I’ve never felt so much love before.” He’d drifted off somewhere else as he said it, and I assumed he was reliving that feeling. I didn’t expect to envy him, but I kind of did. I wanted to feel “pure love.” I wanted to experience something like that…something so overwhelming and indescribable and profound that there would no longer be any room left for all my questions and doubts.

  Then Luke shook his head, bringing himself back to the room, and glanced over at me. He rolled his eyes. “See why I didn’t want to tell you this?”

  I had goose bumps up and down my arms. “This is amazing. Keep talking.”

  “I didn’t fight it. I didn’t want to. I closed my eyes and stretched my arms to my sides and let the water lift me off the ground. I floated around and laughed, because it was all so incredible. Just…perfect.” He smiled again.

  “Could you see the surface?” I asked.

  “Yeah. But I wasn’t trying to reach it. I was just floating and drinking in the water, and feeling it move though my body. It was so peaceful.” He closed his eyes, like he was bringing himself back there. “I felt like I floated that way for hours. And then I heard your voice.” He opened his eyes again and locked them on mine. “It wasn’t muffled by the water or anything. It came through so clearly.”

  “You’re not finished here,” I said.

  He nodded. “And I instantly knew what you meant. I thought, ‘She’s right, I’m not.’ And that was it. It was like someone pulled the plug on a bathtub. The water went rushing out to all sides, spilling over the edges of the room without walls, and I was thrown to the surface, gasping for breath. And just like that”—he snapped his fingers—“I was in the back of the ambulance. I heard the EMT yell, ‘I’ve got him!’”

  I smiled.

  Luke didn’t.

  “I was so sad.” He rubbed his forehead. “I didn’t even feel pain, I just felt…so empty. And lonely. God, the sadness was so intense. I wanted to get back to that room, back to the water.”

  I’d been hovering on the edge of tears, and his words sent me over. “I’m so sorry,” I murmured, even though apologizing for him being alive didn’t make any sense.

  “The water was the first thing I remembered when I woke up after surgery, and I felt that sadness all over again. Over the next few days, I started to piece everything together.”

  He was quiet. I wondered if I was supposed to ask another question.

  “What is your life like now?” I asked.

  “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Those three minutes are haunting me. I just want to bring myself back there—not because I want to die again or anything—I just need to feel that feeling again, you know?”

  I nodded.

  He shook out his hands and shifted in place. I thought he was finished. But then he looked at me and said, “Ask me something else.”

  I didn’t skip a beat. I knew exactly what to ask. I’d been wanting to ask it ever since that day he showed up on my front doorstep. “Do you think you saw heaven?”

  He locked his eyes on mine again. “When I was a little kid, I was terrified of dying. I hated all those apocalypse-type movies and books, where huge numbers of the population have been wiped out; basically, anything that had to do with death. I’d have nightmares for months.” He paused. And then he stared right into the camera. “I don’t know if I saw heaven. But I believe my soul was on its way somewhere else. Someplace good. I’m happy to be alive, but someday, I know I’m going to be in that water again. I’m not ready to die or anything, but I’m not afraid of it anymore.”

  I stood and walked over to him. I sat next to him on the top step and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back. “Thank you,” he said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  I felt how much he needed me. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone needed me like that.

  And in that moment, I realized this was how Dad felt all the time. People needed him like this every day. It helped me understand his drive and his passion in a way I never had before. I could see why it was addictive.

  “See?” I pulled away and smiled at him. “I told you.”

  “What?”

  “You are nowhere near finished yet.”

  We drove home in silence. I didn’t know what to say and I figured he was all talked out, so I just stared out the window, watching the neighborhood blur by.

  Luke pulled up to the stoplight a few blocks later and let his forehead fall against the steering wheel. He let out a big breath, like he’d been holding it in for miles. Or maybe eleven days.

  “Feel better?” I asked and he nodded. “Good,” I said as I rested my hand on his back.

  The light turned green and he pulled into the intersection.

  “Thanks for asking the questions. That helped a lot. But…I guess I can’t show Emory the video now.”

  “I’ll make sure Aaron edits me out.”

  We drove a few more blocks. “Why won’t you tell me what happened with you two?”

  I couldn’t give him the details, so I left it vague. “I just said something I shouldn’t have said. And she said something she shouldn’t have said. You know how those fights go? The words slip out and as soon as they do, you wish you could go back in time, just for thirty seconds, and undo the whole thing. But you can’t.”

  I paused. “Anyway, Emory’s words got stuck in my head. They wouldn’t go away. I started questioning everything I’d always known, and for a little while, I hated her for that. In less than a minute, with just a few words, she’d taken this huge part
of my life away. I found myself listening to Dad’s sermons differently. I would go to my praying rock and sit there for hours, trying to feel something.” I rested my palm on my chest. “A presence. A voice. Anything. But over the past few weeks, I’ve started seeing the whole thing differently.”

  Everything.

  What happened to Luke eleven days ago, and even what happened back in the church twenty minutes earlier.

  “Like what?” he asked.

  I tucked one leg under the other and turned toward him. “Two weeks ago, I would have told you, in no uncertain terms, that you got a three-minute glimpse of heaven. I would have told you that there is an afterlife, no question, and that you saw it. I wouldn’t have known this, of course, but I would have believed it with such certainty that it became one and the same. I would have told you that the thick blue water was washing you clean from the inside out. I would have told you that if you ever wanted to float in it again, there was only one choice: to ask Jesus into your life as your Lord and savior. To ask for forgiveness of your sins and choose to be born again. That’s what I’m supposed to tell you right now.”

  He smiled at me. “But?”

  “But I can’t. I’m totally fascinated by what you saw, but I have no idea what it was.”

  “Thanks a lot. That’s not very helpful.” He raised an eyebrow. I could tell from the look on his face he was joking.

  I played along. “And here you thought I was a sure thing.”

  “Daughter of a preacher man…”

  “Looking for answers,” I said, finishing his sentence.

  Luke pulled up under the streetlight next to my house. He put the car in park, but he didn’t kill the engine. I started to get out of the car, then I stopped and turned to him. “My dad is convinced that there’s some big reason I was the one who found you that night. That it was part of ‘God’s plan.’” I put it in air quotes. “But I know you were sneaking into Emory’s room. You always park right here. I got up to get a glass of water and saw you.”

  “Do you think there was a reason you found me? That it was all part of some bigger force at work?” Luke asked.

  I thought about it. “I’m not sure. But then again, I’m not sure of anything these days.”

  He was quiet again, staring out the windshield, like he was contemplating something. “Don’t edit your voice out of the video. I want Emory to hear it.”

  “Really? Why?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “Who knows? Maybe it did happen for a reason. Maybe I’m supposed to be your glue.”

  In the cafeteria, Charlotte and I paid for our lunches and went our separate ways. “See you in ten,” I said.

  I turned toward Luke’s table. It was lively. Much louder than usual, with everyone laughing and talking over one another and fighting for airtime.

  I slid in next to him.

  “Hey, Em.” He wrapped his hand around my leg and leaned in to kiss me. It was a school kiss. A nice kiss. A real kiss.

  “You’re in a good mood today,” I said.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “What’s up? Did you hear from the Denver coach?”

  “Nope, not yet.” He took a big bite of his sandwich and washed it down with his soda.

  “You’re feeling better?”

  He took another bite. “Understatement,” he mumbled with a mouth full of food. “God, I’m starving. And this tastes delicious. When did our cafeteria food get so good?”

  I still hadn’t unwrapped my ham and cheese, but I felt confident it was going to taste the same as it did the day before, and the day before that.

  Luke finished his sandwich, wadded the wrapper into a ball. He took another big draw on his straw, and he kept going until the sound made it clear he’d hit nothing but ice. Then he turned to Dominic. “Dude, are you going to eat those chips?” Dominic shook his head and tossed the bag to Luke.

  “I slept like a rock last night,” Luke said as he ripped the chip bag open. “My mom had to wake me up this morning, and I swear, if she hadn’t, I think I would have slept the entire day.” He devoured the chips in a matter of seconds, and I handed him my water. He took three big gulps.

  “Sorry, I can’t stop eating,” he said with a laugh.

  I laughed along. “No, it’s good. Keep going. At some point, you could slow down and actually taste the food,” I joked. “But—”

  He cut me off. “That’s the thing. I’m tasting every bite. It’s like my taste buds are on overload.” He took another drink of water. “Even this water tastes delicious.”

  “Maybe it’s one of your meds,” I said, still smiling. I didn’t care about the reason; I was just glad to see him back.

  “Maybe.” He downed the rest of my water.

  He reached into the pocket of his hoodie and pulled out a roll of Mentos. The wrapper caught my eye. I thought about the one pinned to my bulletin board. The one with the map he’d drawn.

  I turned to face him, straddling the bench, and threw one leg over his. And then I took his face in my hands and kissed him. He tasted like cold cuts and Doritos and peppermint, all mixed together, but I didn’t care. He was back.

  “What was that for?” he asked.

  “What are you doing Saturday night?”

  “Hmm. Saturday…” He looked out of the corner of his eye, as if he were mentally walking through his jam-packed calendar, and I giggled because I already knew he had nowhere to go. “No plans,” he said. “Why?”

  “Good. We have a date.”

  “We do?”

  “Yep.”

  “What are we doing?” he asked.

  “I’m not telling you. It’s a surprise.”

  He rested his forehead against mine. “I like surprises.”

  “I know you do.” I kissed him one more time before I stood and grabbed my sandwich. “I’ve got to get to the theater. Pick me up for the game tonight?”

  “I’ll be there at six.” I got up and started to leave, but he grabbed my hand. “Em? Can I ask a stupid favor?”

  “Of course.”

  “Will you wear my jersey tonight? I know it’s dumb, but seeing you in it makes me feel like the guy I was two weeks ago.”

  I wrapped my arms around him from behind. “I was planning to,” I whispered in his ear.

  “Thanks.” He pulled me in closer and kissed me harder. That time, it wasn’t a school kiss. It wasn’t even close. It left me wishing we could disappear and spend the rest of the day alone together, just talking and laughing and kissing like we used to. God, I’d missed kissing him.

  I left the cafeteria and headed for the theater, feeling like my feet weren’t even touching the ground. Luke was back. I was back. We were Luke and Emory again, and everything was going to be fine.

  After SonRise practice ended, I walked up to the sound booth and knocked on the door. Aaron opened it so quickly, I wondered if he’d run from the other side of the room. “There you are. Just in time. Come look.”

  He sat on his stool and reached for the mouse. “I lightened the whole thing up a bit. I thought Luke would want to keep it kind of dark, and I couldn’t do too much more without it getting grainy, but I adjusted a few things so you can see him a little better.”

  Luke was still in shadow, and the whole thing had the same mysterious look to it, but now I could make out the hint of a smile on his face. It was clearer, but it was still dark, the way Luke wanted it. “It’s perfect.”

  Aaron pressed PLAY. “Hi. My name is Luke. To be honest, I’m not really sure why I’m doing this.”

  Aaron and I sat in silence, watching Luke talk about the thick blue water, the room without walls, and the overwhelming sense of love he felt. And then he snapped his fingers and explained how it ended—how my words ended it—and I felt my heart break for him. Luke’s expression changed. He choked up. Then we heard my voice. “Do you think you saw heaven?”

  He talked about fearing death, and how he believed his soul was safe and on its way to another place. And then, wi
th his eyes fixed right on the camera, he said, “I know I’m going to be in that water again. I’m not ready to die or anything, but I’m not afraid of it anymore.”

  The tape went black.

  “It’s amazing,” I said.

  “It really is. He’s articulate and charming,” Aaron said. “He draws you in, even before he gets to the part about the water. He’s so…real.”

  I knew what Aaron was saying. The video was raw and emotional, unfiltered and powerful, thought-provoking and life-affirming. It made me want to cry and turn cartwheels, both at the same time.

  “He reminded me of the kids we picked for the testimonial video, you know? Sincere and earnest without being cheesy,” Aaron said. “Actually, I had an idea.”

  I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “What?”

  “What if you asked Luke to speak at Admissions Night? He could give his testimonial live.”

  I let out a laugh. “You’re joking, right? There’s no way he’d do that. He doesn’t even go to school here. And besides, he’s not going to say yes.” I paused. “He’s only told us what happened to him. No one else can see this.”

  Aaron shifted in place. “About that…Your dad came up here a few hours ago. I went to open the door and didn’t think to hide what I was doing. He walked straight to the computer, thinking I was working on one of the videos for the campaign, and he saw Luke’s face. I didn’t have any choice but to play it for him.”

  That meant Dad had heard me asking the questions. He knew I’d snuck out of my room in the middle of the night. I wrung out my hands, already dreading the ride home. “He must have been furious.”

  “Not at all. He loved it.”

  I stopped fidgeting. “He did?”

  “He was happy to see you talking to Luke about what happened to him. And he didn’t say anything, but I think he was also a little bit happy to see his sanctuary in the background.”