Esrever Doom

  “You could,” Yukay said seriously. “But I think not ugly enough. Better not to risk it.”

  Zosi conjured a dozen sandwiches, and Kody flipped a dozen reverse wood chips into them, plus sharp-edged pebbles, and put them carefully into the bag. The odor of gasoline grew strong, but nothing exploded. Kody took the bag and carried it with a very gentle grip.

  They resumed their walk toward the goblin mound. They came to a sign saying GODDAM GOBLINS. STRANGERS UNWELCOME.

  Just so.

  They came near the mound. It was swarming with goblins. The men were ugly runts with big heads and big feet. The women were like lovely dolls. But of course to each other they looked the opposite. “Bleep,” Kody muttered. “I wish I could see them as others see them, if only for a moment.”

  “Try this,” Yukay said, proffering her little mirror. “Maybe a Xanth mirror will show what Xanthians see.”

  He held up the mirror and angled it to reflect the mound and the goblins on it. And was amazed. Now the males were handsome creatures, and the females were little hags, even though their actual features were only reversed, not changed. That was how they looked to each other. “Thanks,” he said, returning the mirror.

  In half a moment the goblins spotted them. “Fresh meat!” one shouted. In the other half of the moment their party was ringed by male goblins.

  “What the bleep are you bleeps doing here?” their leader demanded.

  “Hello, Goddam Goblins,” Kody said politely. “We are a party on a special Quest, and we need your help. We have come to negotiate for it.”

  “Har har har!” Several goblins actually fell over laughing. Only their appearance had been reversed, not their nature.

  “Too bad your hags are so ugly,” the leader said. “They won’t even do for sport. But they should taste good enough.”

  “Aren’t you even going to listen to my pitch?” Kody asked, nettled.

  “Why should we? Your jokes are funny, but now we’re hungry.” He looked around. “Grab ’em. Get the pots hot. Get ropes to lasso the griffin before it flies off.”

  “But we’ve got sandwiches,” Kody protested. “A whole bag full of them.”

  “Gimme those,” the leader said, snatching the bag from his hand. He tore it open and pulled out a sandwich. “Smells great.” He stuffed it in his mouth. In a quarter of a moment he had swallowed it, pretty much whole.

  Nothing happened. Certainly no explosions.

  The other goblins ripped into the bag, hauling out sandwiches and cramming them into their mouths. They evidently liked the gasoline taste. But why were they unaffected?

  “Maybe the chips are touching the bread,” Yukay murmured. “And not the goblins. Because of the way they eat.”

  Then the leader produced a bottle of brown liquid, probably boot rear, and swigged it as a chaser to his sandwich. The others followed suit. The leader let out a resounding belch.

  Then he looked odd. So did the others. Kody wasn’t sure exactly what had changed, but something had.

  “They’re reversing!” Yukay said. “They’re looking ugly again.”

  Kody was glad she had defined it, because they looked the same to Kody. The oddness was in their expressions.

  The goblins looked at each other. “We’re back!” one exclaimed.

  It seemed the reverse wood chips inside them were reversing the reversal of the Curse. Could this be an answer to the Curse?

  But then there was a further change. It seemed the chips were gradually taking full effect. And what a change it was!

  The brutish males were becoming petite females. Lovely little creatures.

  “Aarrggh!” the leader cried, running madly away, as if he thought he could escape it. Soon the rest were doing the same.

  “I’ll be bleeped,” Yukay murmured. “Reversal with a vengeance!”

  “But it doesn’t help us get the diamonds,” Zosi said.

  “I know it’s the Curse,” Ivan said. “But to me, handsome males became ugly hags. I can see why they’re appalled.”

  “When two kinds of reversals interact, there can be interesting variations,” Yukay said. “But Zosi is right: routing the goblins doesn’t get us the diamonds. Kody never got a chance to present his rationale, and I doubt it would work anyway.”

  Kody nodded. “I fear getting the diamonds is not feasible. We’ll have to come up with something else.”

  They walked away from the Goddam Goblin mound, disconsolate. Yukay spied a blanket bush and harvested a small light one to wrap around her as a replacement skirt. “Yes. But what else is there?”

  “Squawk.”

  They looked at Zap. On her side was printed FEED DRAGON REVERSE WOOD?

  “Now there’s an idea,” Yukay said. “After seeing what the chips did to the goblins, I wonder what it would do to the dragon.”

  “A fire dragon breathed ice,” Kody said. “But how would smoke reverse?”

  “Especially if there’s a No Smoking sign,” Yukay said.

  “There are many ways it could reverse,” Zosi said. “Any of them would probably set it back.”

  “She’s right,” Yukay said. “Kiss her, Kody.”

  Kody ignored that, being uncertain of her motive in saying it. Was she being sarcastic? Actually he had liked kissing Zosi. She was not as pretty as Yukay, but he felt more rapport with her. It was probably just as well that the dragon crisis had interrupted their continuation, as it was not something they might want to do when rational. “Could Zap carry me to the dragon’s nest?”

  “Squawk.” NOT AS YOU ARE.

  “But maybe if you were lighter,” Yukay said. “Let me see if there’s any lighter knot around here.”

  “Lighter knot?” Kody asked. “That’s the heart of pine, that burns so fiercely it can be used to prime a fire.”

  “Maybe in Mundania.” She was looking around.

  Zap sniffed the air. “Squawk.” She spread her wings and took off.

  “She’s sniffing out lighter knot!” Ivan said.

  “I am getting to appreciate her increasingly,” Yukay said. “Originally it was because she came to rescue me, but now I am learning her other qualities.”

  “So you’re saying that rather than try to pay the ransom, I should go up to the dragon’s nest and feed it chips of reverse wood.”

  “Yes. You can do battle with it in your fashion. After seeing what those chips can do, I believe you can prevail. I wouldn’t recommend such action otherwise.”

  “You would let Naomi be eaten?”

  “Not if I can find any way to rescue her. Sure, she’s competition for your attention, but she has her own points and I am coming to like her. You will be gone the moment your Quest is done, but she’ll still be around. I might want her as a friend.”

  “There is something about her,” Ivan said. “I’m not sure she’s anyone’s friend.”

  “That’s interesting. On what do you base that opinion?”

  “It’s just a feeling. Sure, if I could see her without the Curse I’d probably be smitten, same as with you, but there’s something.”

  Yukay considered. “You’re no good on this, Kody, because you see us as we are, physically, and are ripe for seduction. First one who gets a clear private panty flash at you will take you, at least for the nonce. You will see no evil in any of us.”

  “That’s true,” Kody agreed, taken aback by her candor. She was probably correct. He really liked Zosi, but other panties still had power.

  She turned to Zosi. “What is your take on this?”

  “The same,” Zosi said. “She has her own agenda.”

  “So let’s rescue her, then question her.”

  “Let’s do that,” Kody agreed.

  Zap returned, carrying a fragment of wood in her beak.

  Yukay picked it up. “Oho! That’s lighter knot all right.” She glanced at Kody. “Pick me up.”

  He put his hands on her elbows and heaved. She sailed up out of his grasp, over his head. Alarmed, he look
ed up, hoping to catch her before she fell.

  Fingers snapped by his ear. He was standing, dazed, staring at nothing.

  “Sorry about that,” Yukay said. “You lifted me too hard, and then saw up under my skirt as it flared. Just like the check hers game. You freaked out.”

  Oh. He had indeed. Panty magic really was potent. Fortunately she had been light enough to handle the fall. “Too bad dragons don’t freak.”

  “Now you know what lighter knot does. Try it yourself.” She handed the wood to Kody.

  He took it and immediately felt quite light on his feet. Could he actually weigh that much less?

  “It’s not your imagination,” Yukay said. “I’ll show you.” She bent down, put her hands on his knees, and lifted. He came right up. “You really are lighter.”

  “I really am,” he agreed.

  “So now Zap can carry you to the dragon’s nest.”

  “But the dragon’s not just going to let me go there!”

  “Zap can tell him you’re there to negotiate.”

  “Negotiate with what? We have no diamonds.”

  “True. So maybe you can tell him you are there to fight him for possession of Naomi. Make it a challenge.”

  “Why should the dragon agree to fight me?”

  “Pride. He would never live it down if he backed off from any challenge, especially one from a paltry human being.”

  There was a certain sense to that. But not enough. “And how can I fight it? I’m no warrior.”

  “With the reverse wood,” she reminded him.

  Kody considered. That might be feasible. “And if I lose?”

  “You had better hope that you really are just a dream figure here. Otherwise the dragon will have a two-course dinner.”

  “And what will happen to my Quest?”

  “Xanth will have to hope for some other hero to come and accomplish it.”

  “And what of the rest of us?” Zosi asked.

  “Ivan and I will be free to do what we choose, hoping we have learned enough from this Quest to succeed better in life than before. You, Zosi, have the solution to your Quest in hand, if you care to do it.”

  Zosi stood there, slow tears forming. “Please succeed,” she said.

  Kody did not feel easy about any of this, but saw no other likely way to proceed. He tucked the lighter knot into a shirt pocket and buttoned it in. He tucked the No Smoking sign into another. “I will do it.”

  “Squawk.” Zap stepped up, ready to carry him. She had of course been paying attention.

  “I’m not a rider,” Kody said. “You will have to help me stay on.”

  “Squawk.”

  He stood beside her. She was about the size of a pony. He gripped her feather mane and swung one leg up over her folded wing and back. His legs came down before her wings as he sat between them. “I guess I’m ready.”

  “Squawk.” Zap walked a few paces, then broke into a run, then spread her wings and sprang into the air. She pumped harder and lifted. Soon they were well above the ground.

  “This is something!” Kody said. “I’ve never flown like this.”

  “Squawk.”

  “Regardless how this works out, Zap, I want you to know I really appreciate your help. You don’t say much, but you’re always there when you’re needed.”

  “Squawk.”

  “I hope that somehow this Quest enables you to find yourself the way you want to. Having a soul may be a burden to you, but it really makes you a nice person.”

  “Squawk.”

  “I think I’m beginning to understand you, Zap. You are saying that you have already accomplished some of what you seek. You look at yourself in a new way.”

  “Squawk.”

  “And that you never associated with human beings before, but you are coming to like us too, as we like you.”

  “Squawk.”

  “Yes, I understand that you don’t want to fight the dragon, and not from any cowardice. You don’t want to fight any winged monster.”

  “Squawk.”

  “And you won’t have to. Just get me there, then back off and wait.” Then he thought of something. “But I think I will need you to speak for me to the dragon. To tell him that I don’t have diamonds, but I am challenging him to a duel.”

  “Squawk?”

  “Yes, tell him I’m magically armed. If he doesn’t want to fight me, then all he has to do is release Naomi, and not by dropping her to the distant ground. Tell him I’m not bluffing.”

  “Squawk,” she agreed.

  They came into sight of the nest. It was indeed on a lofty crag, inaccessible except by air. There was the dragon in it, and Naomi beside him.

  “Squawk!” Zap called.

  The dragon roared in response, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

  “Tell him you’re staying out of it. I need to join him in the nest. The moment I arrive, the fight is on.”

  “Squawk.”

  The dragon rose up and stood back, indicating the near edge of the nest. He certainly wasn’t cowed.

  Zap flew to the edge of the nest and hovered just above it. “You came!” Naomi cried gladly. Her clothing was in tatters, but she seemed to be all right.

  Kody jumped down to the rim. As he did so, the dragon was inhaling, ready to suffocate him in smoke. But his hand was already in his pocket. As he landed he whipped out the No Smoking sign.

  The dragon choked on his lungful. Smoke hissed out of his ears and from under his tail. He coughed, disappearing in a cloud of stifled smoke. Then it dissipated, leaving him spent and angry. Kody had scored the first point, but there was still a powerful opponent to deal with.

  The dragon finally cleared his system and opened his mouth wide to chomp the man. Kody flipped in a chip, aiming for the throat to trigger an automatic swallow. This was the test: would it somehow disable the dragon?

  The dragon swallowed. He paused. A pained expression crossed his snoot. Then he reached down with a claw, hooked a patch of white cloth, and lifted it up. He was capitulating.

  “Suddenly he’s a pacifist!” Naomi said in wonder.

  Kody did not fully trust this. Even if the dragon wasn’t faking, there was no guarantee how long the effect would last. “I reversed him. Now get on Zap and get out of here.”

  “Squawk.”

  The griffin glided in for a brief landing on the nest, with no opposition by the dragon. But instead of going to Zap, Naomi ran to Kody. She flung her arms around him and kissed him passionately. “You saved me!”

  Tatters? Her clothing hardly existed! Everything she had, which was considerable, was pressed firmly against him. She was breathing, and that made it more so. It was electrifying.

  He pried his mouth from hers. “Go!”

  “Some other time,” she murmured. She reached into his pocket, found the lighter knot, and took it. Of course she needed it, to make her weight low enough. He had forgotten that detail, but it seemed Zap had told her. Then she disengaged and got on the griffin. In most of a moment they were gone.

  Kody was left alone with the dragon. If the chips were not really working, he was in trouble.

  “You should have taken her,” the dragon said. “I’d have waited. She was more than willing.”

  Kody’s jaw dropped. “You can talk!”

  “You thought I could write but couldn’t talk?”

  “I guess I didn’t think about it,” Kody admitted.

  “Naomi and I had quite a little dialogue,” Dread Dragon said. “She’s a naga, you know. They’re not covered by the Winged Monster convention, but sapient serpents are a related species and it would have been awkward to consume her. That put me in a difficult position. I had taken her for an ordinary maiden. I’m glad you rescued her.”

  Was this for real? “Why didn’t you bring her safely back, then?”

  “And admit my error? I would have become a laughingstock. No, she had to be duly rescued, and there’s no need to mention the error, is there?”

  “N
o need,” Kody said, bemused. “So I’m not clear on some details. Are you really stifled by the No Smoking sign?”

  Dread blew out a plume of smoke surrounded by several smoke rings. “Those signs are not directed at dragons.”

  “And did my reverse wood chip really stop you?”

  “Yes. The one I swallowed has reversed my nature and rendered me into a pacifist. I think that effect will not last long, as I digest and nullify it, however.”

  “I can conjure other chips. It’s my talent.”

  “Which I will blow away before they touch me.”

  “But if you try to eat me, I will conjure chips in your mouth.”

  “Unless I roast you in smoke first.”

  “I will reverse the smoke.” That was a bluff, as he wasn’t sure what a chip would do to smoke, but it was bound to do something.

  Dread Dragon considered. “This promises to be an interesting contest.”

  “Or we can call it off and go our ways with mutual respect.”

  “Perhaps. Let’s chat awhile first. I get little intellectual stimulation in my normal rounds.”

  “Until you digest the chip and become savage again?”

  “Or until the griffin returns with the lighter knot to carry you away.”

  Kody concluded that chatting was in order. “I had no idea dragons were intelligent.”

  “Some are, some aren’t, as with humanoids. It is not expedient to judge all by a single example.” Dread looked at him at an angle, something he was able to do more readily than a humanoid might. “You do not strike me as an ordinary hero. For one thing you carry no sword.”

  Kody laughed. “I’m no warrior. I wouldn’t know what to do with a sword.”

  “Yet you fascinate the humanoid females you encounter despite the Curse. Naomi is quite taken with you, and I gather she is not the only one.”

  “It may be because I am Mundane, and am dreaming this Xanth experience, and am not affected by the Curse. I see folk as they are physically, not reversed. There are comely women in my party, and I appreciate them as such. That may turn them on. That effect may vanish once the Curse is removed and regular men can appreciate pretty girls again.”

  “You speak as if you know the Curse will be abolished.”

  “Well, it is my Quest to do that. Didn’t Naomi tell you?”