Esrever Doom

  “The robot bomb sniffer,” Ivan said.

  Kody felt his jaw dropping. What did Ivan want with that? Polly looked amazed, then angry. She had been snubbed.

  Ivan took the sniffer and brought it to Kody. “This should help,” he said.

  “But you wanted the affair with Polly Ester!”

  “I guess I’d rather have a woman who wants me for myself, instead of as a prize. My prize was selfish; yours is for the good of Xanth. I prefer to be more like you.”

  “I am impressed,” Yukay said. “When the Quest is done, and the Curse is gone, and I am attractive to you, I will see about satisfying your selfish side.”

  “But you want Kody, not me!”

  “Kody will be gone; you will still be around.”

  “And why do you think I’d want to be with you, after you ignored me so long?”

  She stepped in to him and kissed him.

  Ivan, visibly stunned, took a moment to reorient. “Asked and answered,” he said. Yukay merely smiled, faintly. She had the power of any pretty girl, and knew it. She just hadn’t seen fit to apply it to this particular target before.

  “And you, Zap,” Kody said. “That prize you want—”

  “Squawk.” It was negation.

  “Let’s find a lodge for the night,” Naomi said. “The day is late and we’re all tired. Tomorrow will be another day.”

  There were free accommodations for the contestants. They had dinner at a nice inn, and went to a well-appointed private log cabin for the night. Demo Derby was a good host.

  Kody said nothing about his understanding with Zosi, fearing that it would only mess up the unity of the group. They slept in separate bunks, each person alone.

  It took him some time to get to sleep. The situation bothered Kody increasingly. He had a Quest to fulfill, his only known purpose being here in this odd fantasy realm. He would be gone when it was done. He had no business getting emotional about any Xanth woman, whatever her nature. Certainly he should not be encouraging her. But he was, and was.

  And that was only the beginning of his problem.

  If there was a way out of it without hurting anyone, especially Zosi, he was unable to fathom it.

  10

  ALTER EGO

  In the morning, refreshed, they considered the big box containing the Bomb Sniffer. On the side it said SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED.

  Kody groaned inwardly. He knew that that meant: a horrible hassle. “I think we need a safe, quiet, comfortable place to focus on this. Where can we go to find such a place?”

  “Maybe the cheese board has something,” Yukay said.

  They looked at the chessboard. “Princess Dawn told me not to depend on this,” Kody said. “Lest it have a limited amount of invocations, and not be usable when I need it. But I can’t think of any other way to progress.”

  “It has already shown us that the greatest divergence in perceptions is likely to be in panhandle Xanth,” Yukay said. “We’ll need it to get away from this world, but once we’re back in Xanth we can trek overland if we have to.”

  “We’re not making much progress anyway,” Kody said.

  “So let’s go somewhere comfortable, and consider,” Yukay said. “Once we assemble the Bomb Sniffer, that may solve the problem.”

  They looked at the board. “Say!” Kody said. “There’s Caprice Castle!”

  “I have heard of it,” Yukay said.

  “I was there soon after I arrived in Xanth. They were very kind to me, and helped me get oriented.”

  “So you want to visit there again?”

  “I wouldn’t mind.”

  “What is this castle?” Zosi asked. “I never heard of it.”

  “Few have,” Yukay said. “It entered the mainstream scene only a few years ago. It was crafted by the Demon Pundit to collect and store surplus puns, so as to clean some of these annoying weeds out of Xanth. It travels randomly around the peninsula, having no permanent mooring; it simply fades out at one site and fades in at another. The original proprietor got seduced and corrupted by a scheming lady pun and was turned into a loathsome music monster as punishment. Then Picka Bone defeated the monster but also interceded for him, and he now serves Picka loyally, collecting puns. Picka married Princess Dawn, and they ride the castle, cleaning out nasty nests of puns wherever they find them. I understand Princess Harmony does volunteer service there, also courting her boyfriend while they work.”

  “She does,” Kody agreed. “I met them. They are nice folk.”

  “So an ordinary person can’t just go to Caprice Castle,” Yukay concluded. “Because it isn’t stationary. It is also choosy about whom it lets in. I’m surprised it is on that chessboard.”

  Now Kody was surprised too. “I never thought of that. I thought a castle meant civilization, so I went there. I’m glad I did.”

  “It may not have been entirely coincidence,” Yukay said. “Xanth needed you for this Quest, so somehow arranged to provide you with what you needed to accomplish it.”

  “And now the Bomb Sniffer, thanks to Ivan.”

  Ivan laughed. “And here I thought I was doing the right thing on my own. You mean I was just part of a programmed grand plan?”

  Yukay considered. “If the grand plan were that specific, it should have been able to set Kody up without involving the rest of us. More likely it provided you with the opportunity to do the right thing, and you took that opportunity, proving your mettle.”

  “And got your attention?”

  “And got my attention,” Yukay agreed. “This whole thing smacks suspiciously of a Demon contest.”

  “A what?”

  “The capital D Demons, as contrasted with the relatively insignificant lowercase d demons, amuse themselves by making bets on obscure human events. They may set things up, then observe without interference while their human pawns act. I understand there was a Demon bet on whom Princess Harmony would choose to marry, at the time when half a dozen suitors were vying for her hand. Now I believe there is a bet on whether she will succeed in corralling the one she chose, after he turned her down.”

  “The fool turned down a lovely princess?” Ivan asked, astonished.

  “He’s from Mundania. He doesn’t know any better.”

  “Oh, of course. Mundanes don’t even believe in magic.” Ivan glanced at Kody. “No offense.”

  Kody laughed. “None taken. I am the same kind of fool, at least outside this weird dream. But that reminds me: I have a magic sword. I traded with Dread Dragon to get it.” He brought out the pocketknife, and saw the others repressing smiles. Then he shook it, and it expanded to full size. He chopped lightly at a chair leg, and the leg was cleanly cut off. The smiles faded. “So maybe that too was arranged,” he concluded as he shrank the sword back to pocketknife size and put it away.

  “Maybe it was,” Yukay agreed, impressed.

  “So this whole Quest could be the result of a Demon bet?” Ivan asked.

  “It could be,” Yukay said. “That is not to say that it is. We’ll probably never know for sure. It is merely a possible explanation for seeming coincidences we encounter.”

  Kody mulled that over. It would explain a lot.

  “Meanwhile we need to decide whether to go to Caprice Castle, or somewhere else,” Naomi said.

  “I’d love to see it in person,” Yukay said.

  “Let’s vote on it,” Kody suggested. “All in favor?”

  Everyone agreed. It seemed they liked the idea of visiting this mysterious traveling castle.

  They collected together, and Zap pecked the square. They stood before the front gate of Caprice Castle. They were definitely in Xanth, because Ivan was looking away from Yukay. She had become ugly to him.

  A bell sounded. A dog barked. In about one and a third moments two young dogs charged out.

  “Hello, Wolfe!” Kody called. “Hello, Rowena! Remember me? Kody Mundane?”

  “Woof!” “Rowe!” Their tails were wagging. They remembered.

  ??
?I’m on my Quest. These are my Companions. We need a safe place for a few hours, and I was wondering—”

  Princess Dawn appeared. “By all means, Kody.” She stepped up to hug him briefly. She remained as alluring as ever.

  Then she shook hands with Ivan. “That’s a marvelous talent, Ivan. And it even works on people!”

  “Uh, thanks.” He was plainly daunted despite her phenomenal ugliness; her warmness had countered it to some extent.

  Dawn hugged Zosi. “Oh, you poor thing! But with luck you won’t have to be alive much longer.”

  “I don’t know,” Zosi said uncertainly. “Kody needs—”

  “Oh, I see! You love him. That’s awful.”

  “Yes.”

  Dawn moved on to Zap. “And you have a soul! That’s a distressing burden. But if you can learn to live with it, there can be rewards.”

  “Squawk,” Zap agreed doubtfully.

  Then Yukay. “And your talent, too, is special, if only it weren’t so unpredictable. But you have so many other fine qualities to compensate.”

  “Thank you.”

  Dawn hugged Naomi. “Oh, my!”

  “There’s something wrong? Are naga not allowed?”

  “Not at all, dear. It’s much worse.” Dawn glanced around. “Come in, all of you. This will require some difficult discussion.”

  “Worse?” Naomi looked confused.

  They followed Dawn into the castle, accompanied by the dogs. She settled them into chairs, and a nice rug for Zap. “We’ll be glad to help you make progress in your Quest,” she said to Kody. “But there’s a problem you could not have anticipated. One of your number is a spy for your enemy.”

  All of them stared at her. “Spy?” Kody asked.

  “Not knowingly. That’s why it is difficult.” Dawn turned to Naomi. “You are not a real person. You are a construct that will disintegrate within a month. You are being cruelly used to betray the one person you most want not to hurt.”

  “I don’t understand,” Naomi said. “I have no intention of betraying anyone, certainly not Kody. He rescued me from a dragon, surely saving me from ravishment and ugly death, at great risk to himself, and I really like him. You say I am going to perish anyway?”

  “Yes. You are a kind of twin, an alter ego of the one who set off the Bomb. Her name is NoAmi, meaning no friend. You are her opposite in every way: lovely where she is ugly, nice where she is nasty, well-meaning where she is full of malice. Her opposite, but nevertheless animated by her life force. You share her soul. You were sent to intercept Kody and prevent him from locating the Bomb, so that it won’t be turned off.”

  Kody kept silent. This was fascinating but alarming information. He saw the others keeping similarly mum.

  “But I want to help him!” Naomi protested.

  “Opposite to her design,” Dawn agreed.

  “But if I help him, how does that satisfy her?”

  “In two ways. First, you would never have been suspected, because you do want to help him, and are falling in love with him.”

  “No! I am merely teasing him, as Yukay is. We’re not serious.”

  Dawn merely looked at her.

  “Falling in love,” Naomi agreed faintly. “Maybe it started as teasing, but when he rescued me it got serious.”

  “I didn’t know,” Kody said. “I thought it was teasing.”

  “I’m still teasing,” Yukay said. “She isn’t. Neither is Zosi.”

  “But you know I can’t stay!”

  “That’s why teasing is safe,” Yukay said. “But sometimes it gets out of hand.”

  “This is part of the plot,” Dawn said. “Naomi is designed as she is so she can literally seduce you away from your Quest. She had to fall for you, because you are unlikely to be fooled by an insincere schemer. When she was made, her mistress did not know that Zosi and Yukay would join you. You were still on the way to see the Good Magician. But she was made to be competitive in this respect, and she is. You have not seen her when she tries.”

  “Not anymore,” Naomi said, pained. “I won’t touch him now.”

  “You will have no choice,” Dawn said. “You can’t go against your nature.”

  Kody was not comfortable with this development. “What is the second way she is helping her evil alter ego?” he asked Dawn.

  “She is a complete spy. Everything that Naomi sees or hears is being relayed to her mistress. Thus NoAmi knows all about your Quest.”

  Kody felt a chill. “Including this present interview?”

  “No. She can’t penetrate Caprice Castle, which has its own potent magic. But the moment you leave here, NoAmi will know everything in Naomi’s memory, so it’s only a temporary reprieve.”

  “Then I can’t leave here!” Naomi said.

  “You will have to, when Kody does. Remember the pain you felt when the dragon abducted you? It was not merely your fear of ravishment and death; it was that you were separated too far from Kody. You have to stay within range of him, or suffer unbearably.”

  “Then I’ll just hunker down near him and do nothing to interfere with him.”

  Dawn shook her head. “No. You have not yet felt the compulsion to prevent him from finding the Bomb, because there has been no opportunity for him to do that yet, but when he does succeed on orienting on it, you will be compelled to act.”

  Naomi sank to the floor, sobbing. Kody got up, stepping toward her, wanting to comfort her, but stopped himself.

  “Oh, do it,” Yukay said. “She won’t hurt you.”

  Kody looked at Dawn. “Am I … safe?”

  “Here in Caprice Castle you are,” Dawn said, understanding that it was not physical safety that concerned him. “Not outside it.”

  He went to Naomi, put his arms around her, and lifted her up to stand in his embrace. She turned in to him, still weeping. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” she wailed.

  “So are we all,” he said. “But we’ll try to find a way around this.”

  “There is no way,” she sobbed.

  Then he became aware that she was too close to him. Her whole body was pressing into him, and it was a phenomenal body. It was turning him on embarrassingly. He realized that she was probably not conscious of it; the process was automatic. She simply was compelled to make her female nature score. As Dawn had said, she was equipped.

  He tried to pull away, but she clung desperately. His attempt merely succeeded in snagging her blouse, drawing it open, baring a breast. As a naga whose clothing was awkward when she changed, she wore no underclothing, merely a simple outer shirt and skirt. The view was electric, making him want to see more.

  He had to break this up without succumbing or hurting her or embarrassing the whole group. But how?

  Then he got a notion. He conjured a reverse wood chip. He touched it to her bare shoulder.

  Naomi froze an eighth of a moment. Then she drew away, covering up. “What am I doing?”

  “It was just an accidental wardrobe malfunction,” Kody said quickly. “My clothing snagged on yours. I apologize.”

  She glanced at him, now away from the chip and no longer emotionally reversed. She fully understood what had happened. “No need to apologize.” Literally true.

  Kody returned to his chair. “I fear we have some things to figure out before we get to the Bomb Sniffer,” he said.

  The others nodded grimly.

  “All of you are of course welcome to stay here at Caprice Castle until this matter is resolved,” Dawn said. “Naomi must remain inside, which means Kody should also, lest he cause her avoidable pain. In fact, the closer the two of you are together, the less pain she will feel. Do you wish to share a room?”

  “No!” Naomi cried in emotional agony.

  “I agree,” Kody said. “That would be asking for trouble.”

  “Here is the logic,” Dawn said. “She must make every effort to stop you from reaching the Bomb. One obvious way would be to seduce you, make you love her, and voluntarily give up the mission f
or her sake. She is motivated to try that first. It might be better to give her that opportunity than to force an alternative.”

  “Alternative?” Kody asked.

  “She might have to try to kill you.”

  He considered that. It did make sense. If she loved him she would not want to kill him, and would suffer grievously if she had to do it, but if she had no alternative, she would have to make the attempt. Kody was not sure he could be killed, here in Xanth, but the equivalent might be simply to end the dream and send him home to Mundania. In any event, it would end the Quest, which would give victory to NoAmi. It might be better to buy time by giving Naomi the chance to seduce him if she could.

  Except for one thing. He was already close to loving Zosi. That might protect him. But how would Zosi feel about letting Naomi try to seduce him? Zosi was already in serious doubt about continuing her living state. If that pushed her over the edge, and she returned to zombie status, her Quest to restore the zombies would end in failure, or at least be long delayed.

  “Put it to a vote,” Yukay suggested.

  At least that would eliminate the difficult decision for him. “Do you want to vote?” he asked the group.

  A glance circled around, eliciting nods. They were ready.

  “Then vote, the four of you,” Kody said. “Naomi and I won’t vote, of course.”

  “I will call the roll,” Yukay said. “Should Naomi room with Kody, whatever that may lead to. Ivan?”

  “No,” Ivan said. “He can see her as she is. I saw her that way in Hades and on Demo. She’s a knockout. She’ll seduce him.”

  “One nay,” Yukay said. “Zap?”

  “Squawk.” It was affirmative.

  “One nay, one yea,” Yukay said. “Tie vote. I will abstain, so that it can’t conclude as a tie. That leaves it to Zosi. Zosi?”

  “Yes,” Zosi whispered.

  Kody stared at her, astonished. “But that means—”

  “She must have her chance to accomplish her mission,” Zosi said. “We all deserve that. She must win you or lose you.”

  “But what if she wins me?” Kody asked, appalled. “She’s no incompetent creature. She’s one bleep of a lot of woman, as Ivan says. I can’t be sure I can hold out against her.” He glanced at Dawn. “When she tries.”