Unintended Heroes

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  Jam Shandy sat in the pub, as he had done since arriving. His posture didn’t disguise the fact, slumped in a chair. His appearance did little to suggest it was uncommon of the man. Jam’s entire head was practically a ball of hair. A large circular nose appeared at the centre, offering hints as to where the fringe and beard overlapped. The light brown top hat that adorned his head wilted half way up; battered in to submission by experience. An equally light brown overcoat covered his five and a half foot frame. Rope hung at its side should it need to be fastened. Beneath the coat were the waistcoat and trousers of a dishevelled, tweed suit. The top button of the ornate shirt was long lost, leaving the tie to loosely hold the neck together. Although clean his overall appearance was scruffy, but it was carried off with a charm and sincerity. Jam took another swig of one of his drinks, looking blurry eyed at the travelling companion that sat opposite him. As the captain of The Little Tub of Fun Jam had also been asked to provide transport for a fellow hero, the hero looked back uncomfortably, all three of him.

  “So you all share a voice?” Jam leaned forward quizzically, almost falling from his sofa.

  “Yes.” The Magwanvu answered the question it had heard several times already. They were learning about Jam’s sozzled memory through experience.

  “But you’re three entirely separate beings?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yet you all move in perfect synchronicity with each other?”

  “Yes.” The three replied as one, as they always did. The frustrated tone was common but not to such a degree.

  “So you all share a name?”

  “No.”

  “No!” Jam fell back in to his seat and a world of confusion. The Magwanvu tried to explain for the umpteenth time.

  “I am Ma Gwanvu, I am Mag Wanvu, and I am Magwan Vu. Collectively we are known as The Magwanvu.” The fact all three pointed to themselves after each introduction didn’t help anyone. The identical, silver, featureless faces they owned was a kick in the shins for those that wished to try. Jam only had one answer for such confusion.

  “I need a drink……”

  “It’s okay. Nothing spilt. It’s fine. I’m fine.” Jam looked up to find Brick sprawled across a comfort ball next to The Magwanvu. Brick held a rack of drinks perfectly straight above his head. Unfortunately his face lay buried in the carpet. Spiritwind could be seen behind his friend, trembling gently with laughter.

  Brick, Spiritwind and Bobby had entered the pub and gone straight to the bar. Asking what the usual tipple of choice was they’d been given a rack of test tubes filled with brightly coloured liquids. Happy to be acting like real heroes they had set off to find a seat.

  The pub was spacious beyond need. Numerous areas of seating littered the drinking arena, each separated through clever use of lighting. The room felt dark but vision was barely impaired, each social area lit up to a level of comfortable ambience. The illusion of being alone executed to perfection. Soft beats supplied the background noise, allowing speech but also allowing silence without discomfort. The walls were adorned with artworks of serenity while indoor waterfalls cascaded their relaxing aura. At the centre sat an Olympic size swimming pool of anti gravity. Some heroes were training, putting in a few final laps and relieving the guilt of being in a pub. One mixed gender group were flirting, splashing each other with air in an effort to induce a wrestle or some other form of socially acceptable intimacy. It was a pleasant environment and the trio felt perfectly at home. Brick had been so lost in the sights before him he’d walked straight in to one of the seating options in Jam’s domain.

  A few glances during Brick’s recovery had negotiated a coming together of the two groups. Jam welcomed the threesome to join him and the curious triple fellow opposite, who he couldn’t recall the name of.

  The seating area consisted of a quartet of sofa’s forming a social rectangle. A table sat between them. Each settee was punctuated by a comfort ball: a three foot high ball of soft material that moulded to the body of whoever wished to use it. Brick manoeuvred himself on to the one that had felled him, next to The Magwanvu. The less distance he travelled the less chance of falling again. Spiritwind took the spare sofa between Jam and Brick, Bobby sat opposite the hairless wonder. Jam offered an introduction.

  “Welcome one and all. My name is Jam Shandy and this is…….Sorry what’s your name again?” Jam offered his apologetic palm to the heroic triplicate.

  “We are The Magwanvu.” The tone was deadened through repetition. Brick was too busy adjusting himself to notice anything odd about their synchronised movement. Spiritwind saw but decided to wait and see if it was a coincidence or an interesting quirk worth commenting on.

  “The Magwanvu, that’s an interesting name.” Jam was heading for a personal record in social incompetence. All three of The Magwanvu buried their frustrated heads in their peeved hands. It was enough to convince Spiritwind there was more than a coincidence at work.

  “Are you all moving as one?”

  “Yes.” The muffled, monotone answer trickled between their fingers.

  “And speaking as one?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you one person in three bodies then?”

  “No. We are three separate entities sharing one collective expressive.”

  “Oh.” Spiritwind pondered for a moment before relaying his thoughts. “So only one of you is actually talking?”

  “Yes.” They looked up without changing their tone. They knew what was coming.

  “Which one?” Predictably they all pointed to themselves. “I see. That must get very annoying.” They nodded slowly, in perfect synch.

  “Did you just all move in perfect unison?” Brick had finally straightened his clothing and joined the social circle. He’d missed the conversation. The level of frustration coming from The Magwanvu was palpable, which was useful as their smooth faces remained without expression. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “Let’s have a drink and return to the discussion over our new friends later.” Spiritwind tried to change the subject. Brick’s face apologised to the world. He was quickly over it and surveyed the drinks before him.

  “Which one first?” The newcomers to the table had been given a rack of twelve test tubes each. Bright colours looked back without label or explanation. All were designed to alter your sensory perception of the world. Brick picked one at random, as did Spiritwind and Bobby. All downed their tube and waited.

  The entire room stared Brick in the face as he experienced everyone’s perception of him in an instant. The impression each person had formed of him bulldozed its way into his mind as the incompetent Earthling glimpsed himself as the world saw him. The rush of information slapped him back in to his seating choice. He remained there. Perplexed but able to speak, the casual hero turned to Spiritwind.

  “Have you tried the green one yet?” As he asked Spiritwind fell back in to his seat in the same manner. “Oh yes.”

  Jam had seen the pair’s reaction and offered an explanation. He may not be good with names, faces, or any other type of memory, but he knew the effects of every substance known to conscious beings. “I see you drank the anti-drink, drink. The idea was to make people aware of how ridiculously they behave when drunk. Backfired completely. Everybody enjoyed the rush so much they created a whole new branch of addicts.”

  “What does the red one do?” Brick was eager for more. He’d emptied the tube before he could be told.

  “Confuses you like nobody’s business.” Jam continued as informer whilst trying to swig from an empty glass for the third time. He turned to Spiritwind. “Have I taken something that makes me see in triplicate because I’m sure there’s three of that bloke. Although if I’m seeing in threes that would mean in reality there's only a third of you.” Jam checked his glass for liquid with his thumb. It was a shame he couldn’t check for sense so easily.

  “No that’s The Magwanvu. He’s here with you.”

  “Is he? I
thought I only gave you a lift.” Jam looked at the table for support.

  “We’ve only just met.” Spiritwind tried to maintain the flow of the conversation without laughing at the dot to dot version of the world he now saw in.

  “Really, I thought we’d known each other for years. I do apologise. My name’s Jam Shandy. Nice to meet you.”

  “We’ve done this bit. I’m Spiritwind.” Spiritwind took an instant liking to Jam. The fact his name was food based only enhanced it.

  “Good to meet you Spiritwind. I’m Jam Shandy.”

  “Why’s your head flat?” Brick interrupted the potentially eternal circle of introductions. His latest drink removed the third dimension from the taker’s vision. Spiritwind reached for the peak of his baldness, checking it still bent in the appropriate places.

  “You must have ingested the purple phial. Isn’t the world a sight to behold without the extra dimension?” Bobby grinned an extra wide grin as he spoke. Jam remained confused as to who all the people were.

  “I’m taking the blue one as well, see what that does.” Brick threw the blue tube of liquid down his throat. His 2-D vision flipped upside down in response. Sheer confusion forced him to ask a question. He hoped the answer would give him time to adjust to his new method of perceiving the world. "So, Mr Shandy, how did you gain your hero card?"

  “I’m not sure.” Jam continued staring at The Magwanvu. They were lost in their own world where every individual atom could be seen. The visual effect was astonishing and left them lost in wonder.

  Brick continued battling his senses, fearing an itch. The logistics of scratching it were beyond his comprehension. “Don’t be modest Mr Shandy. We’ve all saved at least a planet.”

  “I’m not being. I genuinely don’t remember. I went out one night with friends and by the time I came round I was in the middle of a victory parade. Apparently I’d done a great thing.” Jam’s wandering eyes didn’t leave the border of The Magwanvu throughout.

  “Have you never asked anyone?” Spiritwind joined in. He could see Brick struggling. For some reason the well haired hero thought it wise to try and cross his legs as a sign of interest. All he managed to do was kick The Magwanvu. All three flinched, but looking down at the atoms that made up their legs distracted them beyond any protests.

  “I’d rather not. What if I found out it wasn’t actually anything to do with me? I’d never be bought another drink in my life.”

  “Do you dance? That’s strictly a question not an invitation.” Brick burst back in with a question for the triple being. Speech was the only thing that made any sense, and he needed all the sense he could gather.

  “Often.”

  “I’ll bet that’s a sight to behold.” Brick tried to lean back casually. Instead he flipped over the back of the ball. Any attempt to cushion the blow disappeared as his limbs floundered in every direction except the right one. He struggled back to his seat, enquiring as to The Magwanvu’s credentials on the way.

  “How did you save your planet?”

  “I fired the Big Gun. Erm, who fired the Big Gun? I did. It may have been your arm but it was my intention….” The three heads swivelled furiously, debating back and forth with each other. “We were only there to do it because I dragged us up in time. Oh well done for waking up…..”

  “What did you fire the gun at?” Brick needed some stability to pull him through. Questions seemed to be working.

  “The big ship that was threatening our planet. That I spotted. You say you spotted it. I did spot it. Just because you said it first doesn’t mean you saw it first. You didn’t say it, I did. I think you’ll find I said it…..”

  “Was it your gun?” Brick had his head buried in the seating area of his ball. He took a moment to consider his next move.

  “No. It is the defensive gun of our world. ‘We’ simply pushed the button when told to by our superiors.” The trio folded their arms. It appeared they weren’t speaking to each other.

  “And you got grade one status for that?” Brick’s head remained buried.

  “So what did you do?” The Magwanvu became lost in the atoms of their folded arms.

  “We missed the bus.” Spiritwind stepped in before Brick could get going on a monologue.

  “We did a little more than that…..” The attempt at debate was too much for Brick’s brain. He slid off the chair and back to the floor.

  “Do you want to sit apart for a while? You look pretty angry. Feel free to sit somewhere else if you need to.” Spiritwind tried to mediate between the three connected beings.

  “We can’t. We can’t be separated by more than one glixal.” A sense of stroppy oozed from every metallic pore.

  “How far is a glixal?” Brick perked up at the thought of a challenge.

  “From about here to that pillar. No it isn’t. How would you know? You don’t know a glixal from a tranjle. I’m very adept at distances. I know how far your face is from my fist and I can tell you it’s getting closer all the time…..”

  Brick watched on, blinking slowly. With his eyelids down he suddenly realised by closing his eyes he could let his subconscious control his body. It was only thinking that was creating such confusion. He surveyed The Magwanvu and the pillar. He had an idea that could stop the argument and test their claim in one move.

  Before anyone could stop him Brick stood, picked up Mag Wanvu and bolted towards the pillar. Reaching the faux structure Brick felt the load lighten. Without vision he believed he'd been the subject of an injection of strength and continued running. By the time Brick fell into the anti-gravity pool Mag Wanvu had materialised back on the sofa, looking smug at proving the pillar was almost exactly a glixal away.

  Brick was in no rush to return and joined in the fun in the pool for a while, until he offended three heroic ladies with his flirting. His wandering eyes and general confusion were anything but smooth. When he did rejoin the group a decision had been made.

  “Jam says we can join his crew.” Spiritwind tried to eat a pork pie. It was difficult when it constantly looked as though it was floating away.

  “That’s marvellous news.” Brick took his seat, pleased nobody felt the need to mention his little jaunt. “Can we float around on your ship? The last one was a terrible disappointment.”

  “Why of Course. The Little Tub of Fun has a rest room for all the gravity molecules. They can go in there and relax. No pressure to hold anything up or push it down. I often spend days in there doing non-stop somersaults, drinking bubbles of water and the like.”

  “I feel an instant kinship with yourself and your craft Mr Shandy. It would be a pleasure to be part of your crew.”

  “Well if we plan to form a merry band may I suggest these?” Jam pulled a bag of yellow tubes from his coat. “These wondrous phials offer the sensation of an entire night out with all those in close proximity who have taken the same substance, yet in real time only a few minutes have passed. The secret to any group bonding is a good few nights out together. Like the synapses of a child let us reach out to form a single unit of thought, only a really drunken one.” Jam passed the drinks round.

  “I like this guy.” Brick spoke to Spiritwind.

  “That’s what I said.” Spiritwind looked forward to the end of night food he would get to repeat over and over again.

  “I think we make fine heroes.” Brick toasted the group. Moments later seven empty glasses struck the table.

  “Did those guys all just move at the same time?” Jam continued a theme.

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