Unintended Heroes
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Chieftains Desire hurtled towards the next Earth on Hugo’s intimidating, long list. It had picked out a particularly nice hill to land upon, as it always did. It knew Hugo’s preference for the heroic stance within a gentle breeze, enough to dislodge a wispy fringe but not enough to affect the body of the hair. It also gave him the stage to announce his analogous warning that evil’s time was up. Hugo practised the statement he’d prepared for this particular planet. A good hero always prepares, and he was the best.
The gentle landing made a mockery of the difficulty of such a procedure. With the statement still fresh in his mind Hugo bound for the door as touchdown was complete. In perfect synchronicity with the hero’s stride the door opened and the ramp descended, catching each bound with a sense of surety and pride. His focus lay ahead until a shriek interrupted.
Turning to his side he saw Sandbag towering over the maiden, stalking towards her with naughty behaviour in mind. Hugo jumped instinctively to the rescue.
“Do not fear Ma’am. Help is here. The best darn help the universe can offer.”
Sandbag gave a wink to Dollop then roared theatrically. It was the last Dollop saw of his friend as his head was replaced by Hugo’s extended fist, closely followed by the said man’s grinning face. It took all of Dollop’s self restraint not to attack his life long enemy. Remembering the fear Sid had induced in him brought his hormones back in to line. Hugo leapt across to Sandbag, giving Dollop time to regain his composure. Hugo continued being bold as he went.
“You need not fear any longer my lady. The beast has been vanquished. He will hurt you no more.” Sandbag was thoroughly unconscious. Hugo gave the limp body a sneer then returned to his female prize. “Did the vermin hurt you?”
It took Dollop a moment to adjust to not being attacked by Hugo. “No I don’t think so.” His voice fitted the maiden perfectly, a by-product of the suit.
“These animals make me sick. I may have to go over there and teach his unconscious mind a few more lessons.” The hero tensed, ready to return to the prone henchman.
“No. Don’t leave me. I’m sure it’s learnt its lesson.” Dollop only had the protection of his friend in mind. Hugo read it as a signal of affection and a desire for physically demonstrated gratitude.
“Only the voice of such a sweet and perfect lady could prevent me from doing what seems so right.”
Awkwardness descended. Hugo took it as a pre-kiss moment, but the truth was Dollop was trying to work out how he could retrieve the spray from under his hat. He would have to allow Hugo to return to Sandbag. An idea struck. “Could you possibly check if the brute still has my handbag? He snatched it from me.”
“It would be a pleasure my angel of wonder.” The wink was sickening and caught Dollop off guard. He preferred being attacked.
Hugo walked back to Sandbag, who’d travelled a fair distance even for the ultimate hero’s standards. It gave Dollop ample time to find the spray beneath the coned headpiece. Fully armed he followed Hugo, noting the kick he gave Sandbag as he searched him. Hugo sensed Dollop’s approach, but not his intent.
“You may wish to stand back ma’am. This brute could awake without notice.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just curious. I’ve never seen a sedated monster so close before.”
Hugo turned to face him. “We’re all monsters in one way or another. It’s just some unfortunate folks can’t hide it from the world.”
The sentiment jarred Dollop’s arm causing a pause in his intention to spray; however seeing the beaming grin and the eyes that sat above it reminded Dollop of the last thing he saw before the tower block that scarred him for life collapsed. Rage reanimated his limb, lifting it point blank in to Hugo’s face and squeezing the nozzle with all his worth. Dollop didn't stop until the can was empty.
Hugo recoiled, rubbing his eyes and coughing uncontrollably. Dollop watched on unsure what to do or expect. The uncertain stand-off lasted for ten or more seconds before subsiding. Hugo collapsed to the floor and curled up. Mumbling to himself and rocking gently. Dollop could see the hero was going nowhere and concentrated on bringing Sandbag back round. The woozy henchman sat up and looked curiously at Hugo, before rubbing his own aching jaw.
“He’s got a punch on him.”
“You must have faced the hero’s bull punch before.” The hero’s bull punch is part of the standard grade one hero package. It allows the user to render any opponent of a similar size unconscious for as long as is needed with one swift crack to the face. Brick and Spiritwind were yet to discover they even had it, let alone use it.
“I normally shake them off and grin menacingly. I’ve never had one off someone a similar size before.” Sandbag stood. The two henchmen awaited any further reaction from Hugo. When it came they were both surprised. It took the form of the man mountain in tears. Neither knew how to react, so didn’t.
Eventually Dollop plucked up the courage to do something. He asked if Hugo was okay. “Are you all right there?”
“Yes I’m fine. I’m just so pleased to hear the news.” More weeping followed. Not of the happy variety.
“The news?” Dollop tried to pat Hugo on the back. He’d seen it done on a T.V show once. With his disguised monster arm the gentle pat was more like a thorough punch. It jarred Hugo in to lifting his head, and wheezing slightly.
“About universal peace being declared, haven’t you heard?”
“Oh that. Of course we’ve heard about that.” Dollop improvised as best he could. It had never been an essential tool for a henchman, or writer. He'd always had time to think of an explanation for the words his characters said.
“I’ve devoted my entire existence to ridding the universe of evil and now it’s done.” Hugo wept further.
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Sandbag didn’t follow.
“For the universe yes, but what will I do now? I can’t retrain at my age, don’t ask what it is by the way. Let's just say I'm looking pretty dapper for it. I'd have to start back at the bottom in any new trade.”
“Don’t put yourself down. You could always move in to after dinner speaking. I hear there’s good money in that. I’m sure you’ve got endless anecdotes.” Dollop shrugged towards Sandbag. He’d never expected to be comforting Hugo Cortizone while dressed as a damsel and offering him career advice.
“I don’t want to live on the past memories alone. I want the excitement of battle, the hunt, the endless chase in the constant quest for the safety of all. It was my purpose and now it is gone. What does a man do without purpose?” Hugo placed his face back in his hands. Dollop offered an answer to the rhetorical question.
“He stagnates and gives up, spends his life achieving nothing more than making it back to bed each night only to start another pointless day in a few hours time.”
“Is that my future? Is that all I have to look forward to: making it back to bed?” Hugo and Dollop struck up something of an instant repartee.
“Take these. They may help.” Dollop offered Hugo a few sleeping tablets. They had to get him back to Crizal.
“What are they?” Hugo popped them into his mouth. He saw no malice in the offer. After all the universe was now a peaceful place, suspicion was futile.
“They’re sleeping tablets. They’ll help you rest. You look like you need it. We’ll take you back to our house so you won’t be disturbed."
“That’s a noble gesture from a stranger. I thank you, as does the universe for aiding its once greatest son.” Hugo passed out. Dollop swung in to action, pausing to remove his hood to stop Sandbag drooling and staring at him.
“Where did you hide the ship? It’s very effective wherever you put it.” Dollop looked around.
“It’s just down the side of the hill. I thought we could take Hugo’s ship though. It’s far faster and there's less chance of us throwing up.” Sandbag tried to avoid discovery of his error as Dollop ran to the brow of the mound to look for it.
“Nice idea but Sid would kill
us thrice if we turned up in Hugo’s ship. The amount of tracking devices that thing will have on it. We’d lead the entire Guild directly to Crizal. So where did you hide it exactly?” Dollop peered over the edge but still couldn’t see it.
“You might want to look a little further towards the centre of the field at the bottom.” Dollop squinted. “Bit further.” Dollop finally spotted it. He turned to Sandbag with an air of disappointment.
“You know you’re carrying him to the ship?”
Sandbag considered protesting before realising he had nothing to back up his objection. “Fine, I don’t mind. It’s all good exercise.”
Sandbag lifted Hugo on to his shoulders. Dollop led the way at an unforgiving pace.
“Well that was a very straightforward and successful plan.” Sandbag spoke while struggling to keep up.
“A little too straightforward for my liking; in fact it’s all going a little too well to be an evil plan to take over the universe.”
“Sometimes you worry too much Dollop. Just enjoy it.” Sandbag bounced across the uneven surface, an ever growing loss of control joining his walking style.
“Worrying too much is what’s kept me alive all this time.” Dollop quickened his pace further. He considered it retribution for the damsel based mockery he'd faced. Although revenge was not at the forefront of the wizened henchman's mind. Dollop was wondering when the hero invoice would arrive for their continuing success. It was beginning to look overdue.
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