Unintended Heroes

Chapter Forty Two

  "Of course the secret to women is that there is no secret, but if you ever let a woman know that you know there is no secret she'll instantly create one and have you trying to work out what it is. If there was a secret, which there isn't, that would be it, but there isn't one, so it's all futile." Brick spoke as though he made perfect sense.

  "How does that help me again?" Spiritwind felt sure that wasn't the answer to his current predicament with Bettina.

  "It doesn't, but it does help me get my head around things a little better. Do you hear footsteps?"

  "Only when a shoe strikes a hard surface within the vicinity of my ears."

  "That's funny that. You should write it down and send it to somebody."

  "Maybe I already have." The glint in Spiritwind's eye reflected nicely off the liquorice he was chewing. "Should we hide then, if someone's approaching?" Spiritwind's suggestion provoked the pair to look around the bare corridor for a suitable place to secrete them self. The emptiness shrugged back at them unhelpfully.

  "We could stand and fight with our newly discovered bull punch?" Brick clenched his fist, unsure how to operate it.

  "I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment. My only reservation is if the thing making the footsteps turns out to be enormous. The bull punch may become defunct."

  "Well let's hide until we see how big it is." Brick put forward a compromise, which coincidentally was the same as Spiritwind's initial suggestion.

  Another scan of the corridor revealed the same blatant fact as moments earlier. Spiritwind aired what he thought they'd both realised "There isn't anywhere to hide."

  "The air vents?" Brick pointed to the metal tubes that hung from the ceiling. Aside from the floor and walls they were the only thing in sight.

  "Noticing an air vent and placing yourself inside it are two entirely different tasks. Have you considered the practicalities of even reaching the thing?"

  "Have you considered the fact that as two grade one heroes it's exactly the kind of action expected of us?"

  "You think our hero powers will get us up there?" An accentuated grin and nod formed Brick's only reply. "Okay then. You know me. I'm always prepared to try."

  Twelve Thirty entered the corridor to find it empty. The silver tube that ran along the ceiling concealed the two heroes that had been standing there moments earlier.

  "I'm still not entirely sure how we got up here." Spiritwind dabbed at a celebratory sherbet.

  "I've decided not to question it. There he is; the guy with the footsteps." Brick peered through the gaps to spy Twelve Thirty wittering, supported by his moustache. "He's about our size. We could have taken him easily."

  "Is he using his moustache as a pair of legs?" Spiritwind continued with his own observations.

  "We should have stood our ground."

  "That's very impressive hair strength if he is. Of course it could be that his legs sprout from beneath his nose?"

  "We could have carved that first notch on our hero belts. It would have been a proud moment to stand and watch evil crumble." Brick tried out a Hugo like sentence, including the wistful stare into the distance. He just felt silly. The shuffle required to pull off the stare caused considerable movement of the vent, prompting a different train of thought in Spiritwind's mind.

  "Do these things definitely hold our weight? They're pretty flimsy when you look at them. And they're not attached to the ceiling by very much at all." The vent squeaked in response to the doubt.

  "It seems to be holding us fine."

  "I'm not sure these joints are even welded together properly. I can see right through this one."

  "Let's just try and....actually you're right. How is it holding us up?"

  "It's a mystery....." The sentence remained unfinished. Replaced with gulps and gasps of surprise as the vent collapsed, leaving the duo in a heap in the corridor. The doubt they raised had alerted reality to the previously cloaked actions of the heroes. Twelve Thirty responded without hesitation, turning on the pair and unleashing his moustache.

  "Ow! What was that?" Brick shielded his face and backed away from the pain.

  "It looked like a ginger moustache being wielded like a whip ooooh!" Spiritwind followed his friend's scuttling lead. "The dexterity of his facial hair.....crikey.....impresses me further. Yowch!"

  "Break in to my dungeons will ya." Twelve Thirty continued to unleash cracks as he moved towards them at a menacingly slow pace.

  "Why's he wearing a uniform from the Napoleonic era....Yelp....complete with hat?" Confusion joined Brick's agony as the pair continued to back away down the corridor.

  "Why don't you ask him? It may distract him from...owwwww.....whipping. And did you just say 'yelp?"

  "Yelp is a perfectly acceptable....yowser.....expression of pain. Excuse me whipping man. May I ask.....gadzooks.....why?" The punch to the face from the ball of hair was enough to prevent the question going any further.

  "No luck then?" Spiritwind expected as much.

  "How are you supposed to combat facial hair?" Brick scrambled for a solution. They were quickly running out of corridor to back down.

  "Regular shaving and the occasional facial?" Spiritwind hoped wit may prove useful. "Wowser." It wasn't.

  "Maybe we can use the gadgets Fate gave us?" Brick began pressing the buttons on his digital calculator watch. The action left his guard down and face exposed.

  "I don't think long....nrrgh....multiplication is a recognised....arrrgh...fighting style."

  "I think you'rrrrrre.....right. Hold on. Down here." Brick crawled to an opening at the side of the corridor and fell hopelessly down the stairs it led to. Spiritwind followed closely behind, falling equally painfully and landing in a heap on top of Brick.

  "Good plan." The sarcasm didn't need to be pointed out.

  "You haven't seen the rest of it yet." Brick struggled through his friend and to his feet before unleashing a few fancy hand movements he'd once seen in a film.

  "What do we do now? Hit ourselves over the head with our sticks?" Spiritwind was yet to be convinced.

  "No." Brick ran to the top of the stairs, his fist stretched out before him. As heroic coincidence would have it Twelve Thirty lurched into view at the perfect moment, connecting Brick's weapon with the dungeon keeper's jaw. Twelve Thirty fell back on to the floor, knocked out cold. Brick opened his eyes to see what had happened. "There you go. Who said my plans are rubbish?"

  "Everyone, although well done on that one." Spiritwind picked up a dislodged doughnut as he stood.

  Brick lowered himself into a seated position on the top stair, slowly and with a full grimace. "I may need a moment. My back's slightly agonising."

  "No rush." Spiritwind hobbled back up to the corridor to investigate. "You've knocked him out. Properly and completely out."

  "It was all part of my plan." The pained expression was presumed not to be.

  "Then I repeat, good plan. Did it have to involve so much injury to ourselves though?"

  "It didn't have to but we all know the ladies love a manly bruise or two."

  "How do they feel about a limp and a cracked elbow?" Spiritwind joined his peer on the stair.

  "They can't get enough of it." Neither looked convinced, or happy.

  "Then it's a good job I've got a stick to beat them off me. I think I'm just going to lie here for a minute." Spiritwind lay back.

  "Okay, but just a minute or two." Brick joined the prone posture as the pair lay for several minutes. Their hero powers would have allowed them to continue the mission immediately, fully recovering within two or three scenes, but a rest was always nice whether needed or not.

  The sound of Brick's snoring awoke Spiritwind and kicked him into action.

  "Should we continue?"

  "Until every last inch of evil has been besmirched." Brick twitched back to consciousness with another attempt at a Hugo style rally. It still felt silly. He wasn't sure if he should do it anymore.

  The pair rose in considere
d stages. The pain had left their bodies but not their actions. The duo eked every last drop of drama from the situation before following the staircase.

  They were led through a series of corridors until eventually reaching a second set of stairs. At the top of these sat another corridor. At its end a door of imposing bulk sneered back at them.

  "That's an imposing door." Brick verbalised the door's main quality.

  "The kind of door a bad guy may use to conduct an evil plan from behind." Spiritwind dared to suggest.

  "Maybe we should go inside and have a look rather than standing here speculating?"

  "Well aren't we the practical hero?"

  "Yes we are. I are. Am. Me. I'm practical me." Brick gave up on his attempts at grammar and strode towards the door, unsure of what lay behind it and therefore unable to fear it. Brick and Spiritwind's combined logic believes you can't fear what you don't know because you don't know what to be afraid of. It applied perfectly to the situation in hand as the duo crept towards destiny.

  The expected creak and required strength to open the divide never came. The carpenter who hung it had aligned the balance to near perfection. Effortlessly they pushed it open a few inches, instantly seeing the tower of flickering screens. Believing stealth to be on their side they slid inside the room and stuck to the wall. The eerie atmosphere offered no warmth or humanity. It took a few moments before they even realised they weren't alone.

  "There's the little metal guy." Brick pointed to a small, glistening figure at the bottom of the tower of screens. Sid was focused on one image in particular, clapping giddily and hopping with delight in front of it.

  "Goooooooood. This is excellent." Sid responded to the screen showing Dave Normal, the emotional centre of the universe. He'd decided to stay in bed for the day rather than work. Things were running exactly to plan.

  Sid had sensed Brick and Spiritwind entering. He could smell Spiritwind's selection of pastries. Handing them the belief they had the upper hand Sid peered into the darkness and called out. "Dollop, Sandbag. Is that you?"

  "What do we do?" Brick whispered to Spiritwind.

  "I'm not entirely sure. I suspect he knows we're not really his friends."

  "Do evil bad guys have actual friends or merely people who are nice to them out of fear?"

  "Everyone needs at least one friend. There must be bad guy conferences or something." Spiritwind wondered if they needed temporary stewards at such a thing. It would be as interesting a job as anything else they'd ever done.

  "Whoever's there should be aware I know karate." Sid continued to play it fearful, squinting to try and make out anything of use. He'd written off the possibility he was about to attacked by a giant pie and iced finger, a scenario the odours continued to suggest.

  "I refuse to believe he's scared." Brick remained nonchalant and cynical.

  "I agree. I'm not sure how we can use that presumption to our advantage though."

  "Maybe we should step out of the darkness and pretend to be bold. Make him believe we've fallen into his trap?"

  "Then what?"

  "I'll show you." Brick stepped forward without further consultation. Spiritwind was curious to see where it led.

  "Okay evil, bad guy. We're here on the authority of the Hero's Council to force you to stop whatever it is you're up to with all these really cool television screens. Have you seen these telly's?" Brick completely lost his train of thought as he wandered towards the tower of screens. Spiritwind followed. Sid wasn't sure what to do, so observed.

  "That's incredible. Like reality, only shrunk and stretched out across a mirror of truth." Spiritwind instinctively retrieved a bag of pick and mix in response to the cinema setting. The pair were mesmerised, scanning as many screens as their eyes could handle. Sid waited cautiously, wondering if it was a clever trap. After several minutes the bad guy grew tired and reverted to the script he'd expected to play out.

  "So you dare to come in to my secret chamber to face the wrath of...."

  "Do you mind? We're trying to watch this." Brick looked for a chair while rebuking the stunned Sid.

  "Oh I'm ever so sorry. Would you like me to leave my number and you can phone me when you're ready?" Sid hid in sarcasm.

  "That would be ideal. Just do it quietly though." Brick's eyes remained glued to the images before him.

  "Sid pushed a button on the forearm of his armour. The lights came up to confrontation setting: the room remained dark overall, still plenty of seedy corners to hide in, and searching for a black button on the floor would be a chore, but pockets of light gave enough illumination to swap monologues.

  "Look at that." Brick had only one response. "Even with the lights on the picture quality has barely diminished."

  Sid's entire body clenched with anger, his armour taking on a red tint, although that may have been a side effect of the lighting. Spiritwind noticed the growing tension in the evil doer.

  "That can't be good for the blood pressure. Would a cola bottle calm you down?" Spiritwind could only offer a near empty bag of sweets as a solution.

  "There are people in my dungeons that did nothing more than comb their hair in a manner I found offensive, and yet you two stand here and don't even beg for your lives?"

  "We've got our lives though. Why would we beg for something we already have?" Brick missed the point.

  "I'd beg for a chocolate cake the size of a house." Spiritwind thought out loud.

  "Oh you'll beg. They all do." Sid clasped his helmet and slowly removed it from his body. There would be no gentle introduction to the fear. The two humans were going to get the full dose.

  The closer the helmet came to full removal the darker the room became. A draught grew into a breeze, swirling towards wind status.

  "He's got no head." Brick peered into the dark void where a face should have been.

  "It looks good though. I like the blue flickers of electricity, adds a nice touch to the overall effect. And this wind appears to be coming from his very face, probably done with mirrors and pulleys." Spiritwind pondered out loud.

  "FEEL MY TERROR." Sid opened his arms, the wind strengthening and the electric flickers flashing more potently across the little man's entirety. Brick and Spiritwind remained unimpressed. "Why do you not cower? Where is the uncontrollable fear coursing through your veins and infecting your souls for a time measured in the lives of stars?"

  "A man with no head just isn't that scary." Brick had a simple answer.

  "As a show it's fairly impressive but it looks like a simple trick of the light." Spiritwind viewed Sid from various angles, trying to work out the secret.

  An unfortunate poet had once described the effect of Sid as: 'A dark void sucking all semblance of joyous consciousness deep within its grasp. Picking away at each insecurity like a cheap lock and leaving one's very fabric of being exposed to wither away and die as everything you once were is scattered throughout an endless universe of worry and terror'. It was exactly this kind of over the top nonsense that had caused him to be locked up and subjected to an eternal stream of soapy water directly on to his eyeballs. Although it had been fair to say his poem about a rabbit's day in a field of barley had been a little too dramatic, he'd somewhat missed the true horror of Sid's exposed entity, but he was fairly new to the poetry game and still had a lot to learn.

  Sid was completely aware of how terrifying he was making his confusion over Brick and Spiritwind's laid back response all the more disconcerting. Without a back-up plan Sid could only intensify his efforts. The room darkened further, the wind approached the beginnings of a storm, and the blue flickers leapt out to within an inch of Brick and Spiritwind's features.

  "Looks like he's building to some form of crescendo." Brick raised his voice to be heard above the wind.

  "I think he'll take off and do a little spin. Wire works very popular in live theatre at the moment." Spiritwind offered his own idea.

  "I'm not sure there's enough wire in the world to reach that ceiling." Brick l
ooked up, and up, and up into the endless nothing. "I think a large mammal will appear from nowhere."

  "For the amount of effort he's putting in surely only a Blue Whale would suffice?"

  "He's clearly a dedicated professional and a veritable slave to his art. I think we should respect his work and await the pay off." Brick folded his arms and waited.

  Brick and Spiritwind's ability to withstand Sid's power would be considered a mystery by everyone, but the duo didn't even question it. It was this very approach to Sid and life that allowed them to stand and watch rather than disappear into their own cowering minds for eternity.

  Irrational fear requires time and space in the mind, a place to sit and be nurtured by ones own thoughts. Feeding on attention it builds, growing stronger and deeper rooted with every passing moment until it paralyses the body and leaves the mind trapped in a loop of unfounded concern. Brick and Spiritwind lived according to throwaway philosophy and fantastical notions of reality. When it came to fear they preferred to wait until it became a tangible object that could be assessed on its own merits rather than believing the propaganda that invariably created the majority of the sensation.

  The fact that the two heroes with exactly this mindset had stumbled upon a tyrant whose greatest, and only true weapon, was rendered powerless against such an attitude may appear an outlandish coincidence, but the fortunate coincidence is the hero's greatest asset. Having him as a close friend can only help.

  "What if this light show is an elaborate distraction and the bad guy's slipped out the back of the suit and is on his way to Rio?" Brick had a thought.

  "Are you suggesting we apprehend him mid show?" Spiritwind crushed his empty pick and mix bag in heroic fashion. Not wanting to be a litter lout he stuffed it into his pocket.

  "To be honest I just want to try out me bull punch again." Brick held up his fist.

  "Can you use a bull punch on a guy with no head?"

  "Maybe we should test it on the bloke with no head but ten feet yonder?" A nod and step forward suggested they were on. As they did Spiritwind's eyes rebuked Brick for a further failed effort to use olde English.

  Brick cleared his throat and put on his best heroic, gravel voice. They hoped the bull punch wasn't a joke and Twelve Thirty simply had a glass jaw.

  "So we have to settle this the old fashioned way." Sid saw the pair coming and realised that for whatever reason his efforts at inducing terror were futile. The little megalomaniac quickly improvised a plan B. Lowering his outstretched arms he raised his fists in a boxing manner, skipping in front of the pair. The wind died down to an irritable draft, the blue flickers continued to flash across Sid's armour.

  "I thought you knew karate?" Brick held his own fist as though it were a plate of chips being delivered in the finest of restaurants.

  "I have studied boxing also. A bad guy must be able to revert to any number of fighting styles." Sid continued skipping backwards towards the door.

  "You seem to be employing the backing away method of combat." Spiritwind knew his martial arts, and athletics.

  "It's as equally important." Sid turned, picked up his helmet and bolted for the door.

  "Why's he running? I hate running. Can't he just stand still while we hit him?" Brick complained while Spiritwind gave chase, catching the little megalomaniac far quicker than expected. Sid's rushed application of his headgear had placed it an angle that left the baddie unable to see properly.

  "So, Mr Bad-Guy, try and take over the universe will you?" Spiritwind looked to Brick and shrugged. The pair were new to the heroic patter world. "Will the bull punch work on someone wearing a helmet?"

  Brick took the short journey to his friend, and captive. "As it's a helmet perhaps we should both strike at once? I'll swing from the left you from the right." Sid struggled like a petulant child in the grasp of the headmaster.

  Spiritwind positioned himself on the opposite side. "Right, we're going to punch you in the head now leaving you unconscious for quite a while. It's not normally the way we'd behave but you have tried to take over the universe and therefore cannot be trusted while conscious."

  "Your heroic patter is terrible. Are you sure you're even qualified?" Sid was unhappy with who he'd lost to.

  "Yes I'm qualified. I've got a shiny card to prove it. Let me think of something then." Spiritwind stared upwards, running a few ideas through his mind. He settled on the one he liked. "Here we go. How about this: It seems your plan was flawed little man. It turned out to be A-PATHetic idea." All three cringed. "I'll work on it." The duo didn't wait any longer and punched Sid square on each side of the head, sandwiching his evil mind. Sid went limp as the door Brick and Spiritwind had carefully squeezed through blew off its hinges. Stood in the smoky aftermath were Hugo and Team Tranquil.

  "That's a bit excessive. It wasn't even locked." Brick's comment was lost as Hugo played out the drama in full. He bound across the room, spouting monologues along the way.

  "We may be in danger. I believe Insidious Chi is using this place as a base. I'll stay to hunt down this fearful monster. You must flee while you still have your minds." Hugo secured the area by looking around concerned.

  "Hugo." Brick tried to get the hero's attention.

  "There'll be plenty of time for pictures and autographs later. For now your safety is my only concern." Hugo inspected the tower of screens. "My sweet saviour this is worse than I thought. If this is what I think it is then the universe is in serious danger. This beast must be stopped." The ultimate hero slammed his fist down in heroic empathy.

  "Seriously, Hugo." Brick tried again. The other two teams had made their way to Brick and Spiritwind. Hugo continued to dart around the room.

  "Please. It is vital for your safety I check the perimeter." The red clad, lycra grin bound away across the wide open space.

  "Who's the unconscious guy with Spiritwind?" Dandara skipped hello and went straight to questioning Brick.

  "Judging from Hugo's rants, that's Insidious Chi."

  "Why's he unconscious? Did he slip?"

  "Slipped on to mine and Spiritwind's fist. We have vanquished he." Brick puffed out his chest.

  "If you can't be honest in the face of such a simple question then I don't see the point in talking to you anymore." Dandara wasn't having it.

  "You're all safe for now. The perimeter's clear." Hugo returned.

  "As is our success, if anyone wishes to look with truth in their minds." Brick puffed out his chest again, this time with a waft of his hand towards Sid. Mumbles and mild discussions trickled from the group as they moved closer to see.

  A gentle pang of remorse struck Hugo's heart. His chance to save the universe had slipped through his grasp once more. And all the time he'd only been down the corridor. "Good work men. That's one more in the bag for team good." Cortizone's usual enthusiasm was dampened by jealousy.

  "If anyone would like to express their gratitude in physical form I'll be here, lips pursed. I'm speaking mainly to the ladies by the way, although I'll take anything I can get in these meagre times." The wink Brick threw at Dandara missed and slapped Bobby instead. The happy being was honoured, but couldn't promise reciprocation of feelings.

  The others crowded around the prone Sid, the waft of a successful mission filling the air. It seemed the hardest part of the adventure was over, and even that hadn't been difficult for the Earth based duo's second adventure in a row. Maybe Brick and Spiritwind were natural heroes after all.

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