The Complete Poems and Plays, 1909-1950

  Ho! hi!

  Oh, my eye!

  My mind may be wandering, but I confess

  I believe it is Old Deuteronomy!’

  Old Deuteronomy sits in the street,

  He sits in the High Street on market day;

  The bullocks may bellow, the sheep they may bleat,

  But the dogs and the herdsmen will turn them away.

  The cars and the lorries run over the kerb,

  And the villagers put up a notice: ROAD CLOSED —

  So that nothing untoward may chance to disturb

  Deuteronomy’s rest when he feels so disposed

  Or when he’s engaged in domestic economy:

  And the Oldest Inhabitant croaks: ‘Well, of all …

  Things … Can it be … really! … No! … Yes! …

  Ho! hi!

  Oh, my eye!

  My sight’s unreliable, but I can guess

  That the cause of the trouble is Old Deuteronomy!’

  Old Deuteronomy lies on the floor

  Of the Fox and French Horn for his afternoon sleep;

  And when the men say: ‘There’s just time for one more‚’

  Then the landlady from her back parlour will peep

  And say: ‘Now then, out you go, by the back door,

  For Old Deuteronomy musn’t be woken —

  I’ll have the police if there’s any uproar’ —

  And out they all shuffle, without a word spoken.

  The digestive repose of that feline’s gastronomy

  Must never be broken, whatever befall:

  And the Oldest Inhabitant croaks: ‘Well, of all …

  Things … Can it be … really! … Yes! … No! …

  Ho! hi!

  Oh, my eye!

  My legs may be tottery, I must go slow

  And be careful of Old Deuteronomy!’

  Of the Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles

  Together with some Account of the Participation of the Pugs and the Poms, and the Intervention of the Great Rumpuscat

  The Pekes and the Pollicles, everyone knows,

  Are proud and implacable passionate foes;

  It is always the same, wherever one goes.

  And the Pugs and the Poms, although most people say

  That they do not like fighting, yet once in a way,

  Or now and again, they join in to the fray

  And they

  Bark bark bark bark

  Bark bark BARK BARK

  Until you can hear them all over the Park.

  Now on the occasion of which I shall speak

  Almost nothing had happened for nearly a week

  (And that’s a long time for a Pol or a Peke).

  The big Police Dog was away from his beat —

  I don’t know the reason, but most people think

  He’d slipped into the Wellington Arms for a drink —

  And no one at all was about on the street

  When a Peke and a Pollicle happened to meet.

  They did not advance, or exactly retreat,

  But they glared at each other, and scraped their hind feet,

  And started to

  Bark bark bark bark

  Bark bark BARK BARK

  Until you could hear them all over the Park.

  Now the Peke, although people may say what they please,

  Is no British Dog, but a Heathen Chinese.

  And so all the Pekes, when they heard the uproar,

  Some came to the window, some came to the door;

  There were surely a dozen, more likely a score.

  And together they started to grumble and wheeze

  In their huffery-snuffery Heathen Chinese.

  But a terrible din is what Pollicles like,

  For your Pollicle Dog is a dour Yorkshire tyke,

  And his braw Scottish cousins are snappers and biters,

  And every dog-jack of them notable fighters;

  And so they stepped out, with their pipers in order,

  Playing When the Blue Bonnets Came Over the Border.

  Then the Pugs and the Poms held no longer aloof,

  But some from the balcony, some from the roof,

  Joined in

  To the din

  With a

  Bark bark bark bark

  Bark bark BARK BARK

  Until you could hear them all over the Park.

  Now when these bold heroes together assembled,

  The traffic all stopped, and the Underground trembled,

  And some of the neighbours were so much afraid

  That they started to ring up the Fire Brigade.

  When suddenly, up from a small basement flat,

  Why who should stalk out but the GREAT RUMPUSCAT.

  His eyes were like fireballs fearfully blazing,

  He gave a great yawn, and his jaws were amazing;

  And when he looked out through the bars of the area,

  You never saw anything fiercer or hairier.

  And what with the glare of his eyes and his yawning,

  The Pekes and the Pollicles quickly took warning.

  He looked at the sky and he gave a great leap —

  And they every last one of them scattered like sheep.

  And when the Police Dog returned to his beat,

  There wasn’t a single one left in the street.

  Mr. Mistoffelees

  You ought to know Mr. Mistoffelees!

  The Original Conjuring Cat —

  (There can be no doubt about that).

  Please listen to me and don’t scoff. All his

  Inventions are off his own bat.

  There’s no such Cat in the metropolis;

  He holds all the patent monopolies

  For performing surprising illusions

  And creating eccentric confusions.

  At prestidigitation

  And at legerdemain

  He’ll defy examination

  And deceive you again.

  The greatest magicians have something to learn

  From Mr. Mistoffelees’ Conjuring Turn.

  Presto!

  Away we go!

  And we all say: OH!

  Well I never!

  Was there ever

  A Cat so clever

  As Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

  He is quiet and small, he is black

  From his ears to the tip of his tail;

  He can creep through the tiniest crack

  He can walk on the narrowest rail.

  He can pick any card from a pack,

  He is equally cunning with dice;

  He is always deceiving you into believing

  That he’s only hunting for mice.

  He can play any trick with a cork

  Or a spoon and a bit of fish-paste;

  If you look for a knife or a fork

  And you think it is merely misplaced —

  You have seen it one moment, and then it is gawn!

  But you’ll find it next week lying out on the lawn.

  And we all say: OH!

  Well I never!

  Was there ever

  A Cat so clever

  As Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

  His manner is vague and aloof,

  You would think there was nobody shyer —

  But his voice has been heard on the roof

  When he was curled up by the fire.

  And he’s sometimes been heard by the fire

  When he was about on the roof —

  (At least we all heard that somebody purred)

  Which is incontestable proof

  Of his singular magical powers:

  And I have known the family to call

  Him in from the garden for hours,

  While he was asleep in the hall.

  And not long ago this phenomenal Cat

  Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

  And we all said: OH!

  Well I never!

  Did you ever

 
Know a Cat so clever

  As Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

  Macavity: the Mystery Cat

  Macavity’s a Mystery Cat: he’s called the Hidden Paw —

  For he’s the master criminal who can defy the Law.

  He’s the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad’s despair:

  For when they reach the scene of crime — Macavity’s not there!

  Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,

  He’s broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.

  His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,

  And when you reach the scene of crime — Macavity’s not there!

  You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air —

  But I tell you once and once again, Macavity’s not there!

  Macavity’s a ginger cat, he’s very tall and thin;

  You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in.

  His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly domed;

  His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.

  He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake;

  And when you think he’s half asleep, he’s always wide awake.

  Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,

  For he’s a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.

  You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square —

  But when a crime’s discovered, then Macavity’s not there!

  He’s outwardly respectable. (They say he cheats at cards.)

  And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard’s.

  And when the larder’s looted, or the jewel-case is rifled.

  Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke’s been stifled,

  Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair —

  Ay, there’s the wonder of the thing! Macavity’s not there!

  And when the Foreign Office find a Treaty’s gone astray,

  Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way,

  There may be a scrap of paper in the hall or on the stair —

  But it’s useless to investigate — Macavity’s not there!

  And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:

  ‘It must have been Macavity!’ — but he’s a mile away.

  You’ll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,

  Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.

  Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,

  There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.

  He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:

  At whatever time the deed took place — MACAVITY WASN’T THERE!

  And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known

  (I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone)

  Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time

  Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!

  Gus: the Theatre Cat

  Gus is the Cat at the Theatre Door.

  His name, as I ought to have told you before,

  Is really Asparagus. That’s such a fuss

  To pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus.

  His coat’s very shabby, he’s thin as a rake,

  And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake.

  Yet he was, in his youth, quite the smartest of Cats —

  But no longer a terror to mice and to rats.

  For he isn’t the Cat that he was in his prime;

  Though his name was quite famous, he says, in its time.

  And whenever he joins his friends at their club

  (Which takes place at the back of the neighbouring pub)

  He loves to regale them, if someone else pays,

  With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days.

  For he once was a Star of the highest degree —

  He has acted with Irving, he’s acted with Tree.

  And he likes to relate his success on the Halls,

  Where the Gallery once gave him seven cat-calls.

  But his grandest creation, as he loves to tell,

  Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.

  ‘I have played’, so he says, ‘every possible part.

  And I used to know seventy speeches by heart.

  I’d extemporize back-chat, I knew how to gag,

  And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag.

  I knew how to act with my back and my tail;

  With an hour of rehearsal, I never could fail.

  I’d a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts,

  Whether I took the lead, or in character parts.

  I have sat by the bedside of poor Little Nell;

  When the Curfew was rung, then I swung on the bell.

  In the Pantomime season I never fell flat,

  And I once understudied Dick Whittington’s Cat.

  But my grandest creation, as history will tell,

  Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.’

  Then, if someone will give him a toothful of gin,

  He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne.

  At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat,

  When some actor suggested the need for a cat.

  He once played a Tiger — could do it again —

  Which an Indian Colonel pursued down a drain.

  And he thinks that he still can, much better than most,

  Produce blood-curdling noises to bring on the Ghost.

  And he once crossed the stage on a telegraph wire,

  To rescue a child when a house was on fire.

  And he says: ‘Now, these kittens, they do not get trained

  As we did in the days when Victoria reigned.

  They never get drilled in a regular troupe,

  And they think they are smart, just to jump through a hoop.’

  And he’ll say, as he scratches himself with his claws,

  ‘Well, the Theatre’s certainly not what it was.

  These modern productions are all very well,

  But there’s nothing to equal, from what I hear tell,

  That moment of mystery

  When I made history

  As Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.’

  Bustopher Jones: the Cat About Town

  Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones —

  In fact, he’s remarkably fat.

  He doesn’t haunt pubs — he has eight or nine clubs,