The Complete Poems and Plays, 1909-1950

  And so you’ve seen them too! They must have given you a turn!

  They did me, at first. You soon get used to them.

  Of course, I knew they was to do with his Lordship,

  And not with me, so I could see them cheerful-like,

  In a manner of speaking. There’s no harm in them,

  I’ll take my oath. Will that be all, Miss?

  AGATHA. That will be all, thank you, Downing. We mustn’t keep you;

  His Lordship will be wondering why you’ve been so long.

  [Exit DOWNING. Enter IVY]

  IVY. Where is Downing going? where is Harry?

  Look. Here’s a telegram come from Arthur;

  [Enter GERALD and VIOLET]

  I wonder why he sent it, after telephoning.

  Shall I read it to you? I was wondering

  Whether to show it to Amy or not.

  [Reads]

  ‘Regret delayed business in town many happy returns see you tomorrow many happy returns hurrah love Arthur.’

  I mean, after what we know of what did happen,

  Do you think Amy ought to see it?

  VIOLET. No, certainly not.

  You do not know what has been going on, Ivy.

  And if you did, you would not understand it.

  I do not understand, so how could you? Amy is not well;

  And she is resting.

  IVY. Oh, I’m sorry. But can’t you explain?

  Why do you all look so peculiar? I think I might be allowed

  To know what has happened.

  AMY’S VOICE. Agatha! Mary! come!

  The clock has stopped in the dark!

  [Exeunt AGATHA and MARY. Pause. Enter WARBURTON]

  WARBURTON. Well! it’s a filthy night to be out in.

  That’s why I’ve been so long, going and coming.

  But I’m glad to say that John is getting on nicely;

  It wasn’t so serious as Winchell made out,

  And we’ll have him up here in the morning.

  I hope Lady Monchensey hasn’t been worrying?

  I’m anxious to relieve her mind. Why, what’s the trouble?

  [Enter MARY]

  MARY. Dr. Warburton!

  WARBURTON. Excuse me.

  [Exeunt MARY and WARBURTON]

  CHORUS. We do not like to look out of the same window, and see quite a different landscape.

  We do not like to climb a stair, and find that it takes us down.

  We do not like to walk out of a door, and find ourselves back in the same room.

  We do not like the maze in the garden, because it too closely resembles the maze in the brain.

  We do not like what happens when we are awake, because it too closely resembles what happens when we are asleep.

  We understand the ordinary business of living,

  We know how to work the machine,

  We can usually avoid accidents,

  We are insured against fire,

  Against larceny and illness,

  Against defective plumbing,

  But not against the act of God.

  We know various spells and enchantments.

  And minor forms of sorcery,

  Divination and chiromancy,

  Specifics against insomnia,

  Lumbago, and the loss of money.

  But the circle of our understanding

  Is a very restricted area.

  Except for a limited number

  Of strictly practical purposes

  We do not know what we are doing;

  And even, when you think of it,

  We do not know much about thinking.

  What is happening outside of the circle?

  And what is the meaning of happening?

  What ambush lies beyond the heather

  And behind the Standing Stones?

  Beyond the Heaviside Layer

  And behind the smiling moon?

  And what is being done to us?

  And what are we, and what are we doing?

  To each and all of these questions

  There is no conceivable answer.

  We have suffered far more than a personal loss —

  We have lost our way in the dark.

  IVY. I shall have to stay till after the funeral: will my ticket to London still be valid?

  GERALD. I do not look forward with pleasure to dealing with Arthur and John in the morning.

  VIOLET. We must wait for the will to be read. I shall send a wire in the morning.

  CHARLES. I fear that my mind is not what it was — or was it? — and yet I think that I might understand.

  ALL. But we must adjust ourselves to the moment: we must do the right thing.

  [Exeunt]

  [Enter, from one door, AGATHA and MARY, and set a small portable table. From another door, enter DENMAN carrying a birthday cake with lighted candles, which she sets on the table. Exit DENMAN. AGATHA and MARY walk slowly in single file round and round the table, clock wise. At each revolution they blow out a few candles, so that their last words are spoken in the dark.]

  AGATHA. A curse is slow in coming

  To complete fruition

  It cannot be hurried

  And it cannot be delayed

  MARY. It cannot be diverted

  An attempt to divert it

  Only implicates others

  At the day of consummation

  AGATHA. A curse is a power

  Not subject to reason

  Each curse has its course

  Its own way of expiation

  Follow follow

  MARY. Not in the day time

  And in the hither world

  Where we know what we are doing

  There is not its operation

  Follow follow

  AGATHA. But in the night time

  And in the nether world

  Where the meshes we have woven

  Bind us to each other

  Follow follow

  MARY. A curse is written

  On the under side of things

  Behind the smiling mirror

  And behind the smiling moon

  Follow follow

  AGATHA. This way the pilgrimage

  Of expiation

  Round and round the circle

  Completing the charm

  So the knot be unknotted

  The crossed be uncrossed

  The crooked be made straight

  And the curse be ended

  By intercession

  By pilgrimage

  By those who depart

  In several directions

  For their own redemption

  And that of the departed —

  May they rest in peace.

  THE COCKTAIL PARTY

  Persons

  EDWARD CHAMBERLAYNE

  JULIA (MRS. SHUTTLETHWAITE)

  CELIA COPLESTONE

  ALEXANDER MACCOLGIE GIBBS

  PETER QUILPE

  AN UNIDENTIFIED GUEST, later identified as SIR HENRY HARCOURT-REILLY

  LAVINIA CHAMBERLAYNE

  A NURSE-SECRETARY

  TWO CATERER’S MEN

  The scene is laid in London

  Act One. Scene 1

  The drawing-room of the Chamberlaynes’ London flat. Early evening. EDWARD CHAMBERLAYNE, JULIA SHUTTLETHWAITE, CELIA COPLESTONE, PETER QUILPE, ALEXANDER MACCOLGIE GIBBS, and an UNIDENTIFIED GUEST.

  ALEX. You’ve missed the point completely, Julia:

  There were no tigers. That was the point.

  JULIA. Then what were you doing, up in a tree:

  You and the Maharaja?

  ALEX. My dear Julia!

  It’s perfectly hopeless. You haven’t been listening.

  PETER. You’ll have to tell us all over again, Alex.

  ALEX. I never tell the same story twice.

  JULIA. But I’m still waiting to know what happened.

  I know it started as a story about tigers.

  ALEX. I said there were no tigers.


  CELIA. Oh do stop wrangling,

  Both of you. It’s your turn, Julia.

  Do tell us that story you told the other day, about Lady Klootz and the wedding cake.

  PETER. And how the butler found her in the pantry, rinsing her mouth out with champagne.

  I like that story.

  CELIA. I love that story.

  ALEX. I’m never tired of hearing that story.

  JULIA. Well, you all seem to know it.

  CELIA. Do we all know it?

  But we’re never tired of hearing you tell it.

  I don’t believe everyone here knows it.

  [To the UNIDENTIFIED GUEST] You don’t know it, do you?

  UNIDENTIFIED GUEST. No, I’ve never heard it.

  CELIA. Here’s one new listener for you, Julia;

  And I don’t believe that Edward knows it.

  EDWARD. I may have heard it, but I don’t remember it.

  CELIA. And Julia’s the only person to tell it.

  She’s such a good mimic.

  JULIA. Am I a good mimic?

  PETER. You are a good mimic. You never miss anything.

  ALEX. She never misses anything unless she wants to.

  CELIA. Especially the Lithuanian accent.

  JULIA. Lithuanian? Lady Klootz?

  PETER. I thought she was Belgian.

  ALEX. Her father belonged to a Baltic family —

  One of the oldest Baltic families

  With a branch in Sweden and one in Denmark.

  There were several very lovely daughters:

  I wonder what’s become of them now.

  JULIA. Lady Klootz was very lovely, once upon a time.

  What a life she led! I used to say to her: ‘Greta!

  You have too much vitality.’ But she enjoyed herself.

  [To the UNIDENTIFIED GUEST] Did you know Lady Klootz?

  UNIDENTIFIED GUEST. No, I never met her.

  CELIA. Go on with the story about the wedding cake.

  JULIA. Well, but it really isn’t my story.

  I heard it first from Delia Verinder

  Who was there when it happened.

  [To the UNIDENTIFIED GUEST] Do you know Delia Verinder?

  UNIDENTIFIED GUEST. No, I don’t know her.

  JULIA. Well, one can’t be too careful

  Before one tells a story.

  ALEX. Delia Verinder?

  Was she the one who had three brothers?

  JULIA. How many brothers? Two, I think.

  ALEX. No, there were three, but you wouldn’t know the third one:

  They kept him rather quiet.

  JULIA. Oh, you mean that one.

  ALEX. He was feeble-minded.

  JULIA. Oh, not feeble-minded:

  He was only harmless.

  ALEX. Well then, harmless.

  JULIA. He was very clever at repairing clocks;

  And he had a remarkable sense of hearing —

  The only man I ever met who could hear the cry of bats.

  PETER. Hear the cry of bats?

  JULIA. He could hear the cry of bats.

  CELIA. But how do you know he could hear the cry of bats?

  JULIA. Because he said so. And I believed him.

  CELIA. But if he was so … harmless, how could you believe him?

  He might have imagined it.

  JULIA. My darling Celia,

  You needn’t be so sceptical. I stayed there once

  At their castle in the North. How he suffered!

  They had to find an island for him

  Where there were no bats.

  ALEX. And is he still there?

  Julia is really a mine of information.

  CELIA. There isn’t much that Julia doesn’t know.

  PETER. Go on with the story about the wedding cake.

  [EDWARD leaves the room]

  JULIA. No, we’ll wait until Edward comes back into the room.

  Now I want to relax, Are there any more cocktails?

  PETER. But do go on. Edward wasn’t listening anyway.

  JULIA. No, he wasn’t listening, but he’s such a strain —

  Edward without Lavinia! He’s quite impossible!

  Leaving it to me to keep things going.

  What a host! And nothing fit to eat!

  The only reason for a cocktail party

  For a gluttonous old woman like me

  Is a really nice tit-bit. I can drink at home.

  [EDWARD returns with a tray]

  Edward, give me another of those delicious olives.

  What’s that? Potato crisps? No, I can’t endure them.

  Well, I started to tell you about Lady Klootz.

  It was at the Vincewell wedding. Oh, so many years ago!

  [To the UNIDENTIFIED GUEST] Did you know the Vincewells?

  UNIDENTIFIED GUEST. No, I don’t know the Vincewells.

  JULIA. Oh, they’re both dead now. But I wanted to know.

  If they’d been friends of yours, I couldn’t tell the story.

  PETER. Were they the parents of Tony Vincewell?

  JULIA. Yes. Tony was the product, but not the solution.

  He only made the situation more difficult.

  You know Tony Vincewell? You knew him at Oxford?

  PETER. No, I never knew him at Oxford:

  I came across him last year in California.

  JULIA. I’ve always wanted to go to California.

  Do tell us what you were doing in California.

  CELIA. Making a film.

  PETER. Trying to make a film.

  JULIA. Oh, what film was it? I wonder if I’ve seen it.

  PETER. No, you wouldn’t have seen it. As a matter of fact

  It was never produced. They did a film

  But they used a different scenario.

  JULIA. Not the one you wrote?

  PETER. Not the one I wrote:

  But I had a very enjoyable time.

  CELIA. Go on with the story about the wedding cake.

  JULIA. Edward, do sit down for a moment.

  I know you’re always the perfect host,

  But just try to pretend you’re another guest

  At Lavinia’s party. There are so many questions

  I want to ask you. It’s a golden opportunity

  Now Lavinia’s away. I’ve always said:

  ‘If I could only get Edward alone

  And have a really serious conversation!’

  I said so to Lavinia. She agreed with me.

  She said: ‘I wish you’d try.’ And this is the first time

  I’ve ever seen you without Lavinia

  Except for the time she got locked in the lavatory

  And couldn’t get out. I know what you’re thinking!

  I know you think I’m a silly old woman

  But I’m really very serious. Lavinia takes me seriously.

  I believe that’s the reason why she went away —

  So that I could make you talk. Perhaps she’s in the pantry

  Listening to all we say!

  EDWARD. No, she’s not in the pantry.

  CELIA. Will she be away for some time, Edward?

  EDWARD. I really don’t know until I hear from her.

  If her aunt is very ill, she may be gone some time.

  CELIA. And how will you manage while she is away?

  EDWARD. I really don’t know. I may go away myself.

  CELIA. Go away yourself!

  JULIA. Have you an aunt too?

  EDWARD. No, I haven’t any aunt. But I might go away.

  CELIA. But, Edward … what was I going to say?

  It’s dreadful for old ladies alone in the country,

  And almost impossible to get a nurse.

  JULIA. Is that her Aunt Laura?

  EDWARD. No; another aunt

  Whom you wouldn’t know. Her mother’s sister

  And rather a recluse.

  JULIA. Her favourite aunt?

  EDWARD. Her aunt’s favourite niece. And she’s rather
difficult.

  When she’s ill, she insists on having Lavinia.

  JULIA. I never heard of her being ill before.