The Complete Poems and Plays, 1909-1950

And then to remember, it’s the end of the season

  And no more parties.

  EDWARD. And no more committees.

  LAVINIA. Can we get away soon?

  EDWARD. By the end of next week

  I shall be quite free.

  LAVINIA. And we can be alone.

  I love that house being so remote.

  EDWARD. That’s why we took it. And I’m really thankful

  To have that excuse for not seeing people;

  And you do need to rest now.

  [The doorbell rings]

  LAVINIA. Oh, bother!

  Now who would come so early? I simply can’t get up.

  CATERER’S MAN. Mrs. Shuttlethwaite!

  LAVINIA. Oh, it’s Julia!

  [Enter JULIA]

  JULIA. Well, my dears, and here I am!

  I seem literally to have caught you napping!

  I know I’m much too early; but the fact is, my dears,

  That I have to go on to the Gunnings’ party —

  And you know what they offer in the way of food and drink!

  And I’ve had to miss my tea, and I’m simply ravenous

  And dying of thirst. What can Parkinson’s do for me?

  Oh yes, I know this is a Parkinson party;

  I recognised one of their men at the door —

  An old friend of mine, in fact. But I’m forgetting!

  I’ve got a surprise: I’ve brought Alex with me!

  He only got back this morning from somewhere —

  One of his mysterious expeditions,

  And we’re going to get him to tell us all about it.

  But what’s become of him?

  [Enter ALEX]

  EDWARD. Well, Alex!

  Where on earth do you turn up from?

  ALEX. Where on earth? From the East. From Kinkanja —

  An island that you won’t have heard of

  Yet. Got back this morning. I heard about your party

  And, as I thought you might be leaving for the country,

  I said, I must not miss the opportunity

  To see Edward and Lavinia.

  LAVINIA. How are you, Alex?

  ALEX. I did try to get you on the telephone

  After lunch, but my secretary couldn’t get through to you.

  Never mind, I said — to myself, not to her —

  Never mind: the unexpected guest

  Is the one to whom they give the warmest welcome.

  I know them well enough for that.

  JULIA. But tell us, Alex.

  What were you doing in this strange place —

  What’s it called?

  ALEX. Kinkanja.

  JULIA. What were you doing

  In Kinkanja? Visiting some Sultan?

  You were shooting tigers?

  ALEX. There are no tigers, Julia,

  In Kinkanja. And there are no sultans.

  I have been staying with the Governor.

  Three of us have been out on a tour of inspection

  Of local conditions.

  JULIA. What about? Monkey nuts?

  ALEX. That was a nearer guess than you think.

  No, not monkey nuts. But it had to do with monkeys —

  Though whether the monkeys are the core of the problem

  Or merely a symptom, I am not so sure.

  At least, the monkeys have become the pretext

  For general unrest amongst the natives.

  EDWARD. But how do the monkeys create unrest?

  ALEX. To begin with, the monkeys are very destructive …

  JULIA. You don’t need to tell me that monkeys are destructive.

  I shall never forget Mary Mallington’s monkey,

  The horrid little beast — stole my ticket to Mentone

  And I had to travel in a very slow train

  And in a couchette. She was very angry

  When I told her the creature ought to be destroyed.

  LAVINIA. But can’t they exterminate these monkeys

  If they are a pest?

  ALEX. Unfortunately,

  The majority of the natives are heathen:

  They hold these monkeys in peculiar veneration

  And do not want them killed. So they blame the Government

  For the damage that the monkeys do.

  EDWARD. That seems unreasonable.

  ALEX. It is unreasonable,

  But characteristic. And that’s not the worst of it.

  Some of the tribes are Christian converts,

  And, naturally, take a different view.

  They trap the monkeys. And they eat them.

  The young monkeys are extremely palatable:

  I’ve cooked them myself …

  EDWARD. And did anybody eat them

  When you cooked them?

  ALEX. Oh yes, indeed.

  I invented for the natives several new recipes.

  But you see, what with eating the monkeys

  And what with protecting their crops from the monkeys

  The Christian natives prosper exceedingly:

  And that creates friction between them and the others.

  And that’s the real problem. I hope I’m not boring you?

  EDWARD. No indeed: we are anxious to learn the solution.

  ALEX. I’m not sure that there is any solution.

  But even this does not bring us to the heart of the matter.

  There are also foreign agitators,

  Stirring up trouble …

  LAVINIA. Why don’t you expel them?

  ALEX. They are citizens of a friendly neighbouring state

  Which we have just recognised. You see, Lavinia,

  These are very deep waters.

  EDWARD. And the agitators;

  How do they agitate?

  ALEX. By convincing the heathen

  That the slaughter of monkeys has put a curse on them

  Which can only be removed by slaughtering the Christians.

  They have even been persuading some of the converts —

  Who‚ after all, prefer not to be slaughtered —

  To relapse into heathendom. So, instead of eating monkeys

  They are eating Christians.

  JULIA. Who have eaten monkeys.

  ALEX. The native is not, I fear, very logical.

  JULIA. I wondered where you were taking us, with your monkeys.

  I thought I was going to dine out on those monkeys:

  But one can’t dine out on eating Christians —

  Even among pagans!

  ALEX. Not on the whole story.

  EDWARD. And have any of the English residents been murdered?

  ALEX. Yes, but they are not usually eaten.

  When these people have done with a European

  He is, as a rule, no longer fit to eat.

  EDWARD. And what has your commission accomplished?

  ALEX. We have just drawn up an interim report.

  EDWARD. Will it be made public?

  ALEX. It cannot be, at present:

  There are too many international complications.

  Eventually, there may be an official publication.

  EDWARD. But when?

  ALEX. In a year or two.

  EDWARD. And meanwhile?

  ALEX. Meanwhile the monkeys multiply.

  LAVINIA. And the Christians?

  ALEX. Ah, the Christians! Now, I think I ought to tell you

  About someone you know — or knew …

  JULIA. Edward!

  Somebody must have walked over my grave:

  I’m feeling so chilly. Give me some gin.

  Not a cocktail. I’m freezing — in July!

  CATERER’S MAN. Mr. Quilpe!

  EDWARD. Now who …

  [Enter PETER]

  Why, it’s Peter!

  LAVINIA. Peter!

  PETER. Hullo, everybody!

  LAVINIA. When did you arrive?

  PETER. I flew over from New York last night —

  I left Los Angele
s three days ago.

  I saw Sheila Paisley at lunch to-day

  And she told me you were giving a party —

  She’s coming on later, after the Gunnings —

  So I said, I really must crash in:

  It’s my only chance to see Edward and Lavinia.

  I’m only over for a week, you see,

  And I’m driving down to the country this evening,

  So I knew you wouldn’t mind my looking in so early.

  It does seem ages since I last saw any of you!

  And how are you, Alex? And dear old Julia!

  LAVINIA. So you’ve just come from New York.

  PETER. Yes, from New York.

  The Bologolomskys saw me off.

  You remember Princess Bologolomsky

  In the old days? We dined the other night

  At the Saffron Monkey. That’s the place to go now.

  ALEX. How very odd. My monkeys are saffron.

  PETER. Your monkeys, Alex? I always said

  That Alex knew everybody. But I didn’t know

  That he knew any monkeys.

  JULIA. But give us your news;

  Give us your news of the world, Peter.

  We lead such a quiet life, here in London.

  PETER. You always did enjoy a leg-pull, Julia:

  But you all know I’m working for Pan-Am-Eagle?

  EDWARD. No. Tell us, what is Pan-Am-Eagle?

  PETER. You must have been living a quiet life!

  Don’t you go to the movies?

  LAVINIA. Occasionally.

  PETER. Alex knows.

  Did you see my last picture, Alex?

  ALEX. I knew about it, but I didn’t see it.

  There is no cinema in Kinkanja.

  PETER. Kinkanja? Where’s that? They don’t have pictures?

  Pan-Am-Eagle must look into this.

  Perhaps it would be a good place to make one.

  — Alex knows all about Pan-Am-Eagle:

  It was he who introduced me to the great Bela.

  JULIA. And who is the great Bela?

  PETER. Why, Bela Szogody —

  He’s my boss. I thought everyone knew his name.

  JULIA. Is he your connection in California, Alex?

  ALEX. Yes, we have sometimes obliged each other.

  PETER. Well, it was Bela sent me over

  Just for a week. And I have my hands full

  I’m going down tonight, to Boltwell.

  JULIA. To stay with the Duke?

  PETER. And do him a good turn.

  We’re making a film of English life

  And we want to use Boltwell.

  JULIA. But I understood that Boltwell

  Is in a very decayed condition.

  PETER. Exactly. It is. And that’s why we’re interested.

  The most decayed noble mansion in England!

  At least, of any that are still inhabited.

  We’ve got a team of experts over

  To study the decay, so as to reproduce it.

  Then we build another Boltwell in California.

  JULIA. But what is your position, Peter?

  Have you become an expert on decaying houses?

  PETER. Oh dear no! I’ve written the script of this film,

  And Bela is very pleased with it.

  He thought I should see the original Boltwell;

  And besides, he thought that as I’m English

  I ought to know the best way to handle a duke.

  Besides that, we’ve got the casting director:

  He’s looking for some typical English faces —

  Of course, only for minor parts —

  And I’ll help him decide what faces are typical.

  JULIA. Peter, I’ve thought of a wonderful idea!

  I’ve always wanted to go to California:

  Couldn’t you persuade your casting director

  To take us all over? We’re all very typical.

  PETER. No, I’m afraid …

  CATERER’S MAN. Sir Henry Harcourt-Reilly!

  JULIA. Oh, I forgot! I’d another surprise for you.

  [Enter REILLY]

  I want you to meet Sir Henry Harcourt-Reilly —

  EDWARD. We’re delighted to see him. But we have met before.

  JULIA. Then if you know him already, you won’t be afraid of him.

  You know, I was afraid of him at first:

  He looks so forbidding …

  REILLY. My dear Julia,

  You are giving me a very bad introduction —

  Supposing that an introduction was necessary.

  JULIA. My dear Henry, you are interrupting me.

  LAVINIA. If you can interrupt Julia, Sir Henry,

  You are the perfect guest we’ve been waiting for.

  REILLY. I should not dream of trying to interrupt Julia …

  JULIA. But you’re both interrupting!

  REILLY. Who is interrupting now?

  JULIA. Well, you shouldn’t interrupt my interruptions:

  That’s really worse than interrupting.

  Now my head’s fairly spinning. I must have a cocktail.

  EDWARD. [To REILLY]. And will you have a cocktail?

  REILLY. Might I have a glass of water?

  EDWARD. Anything with it?

  REILLY. Nothing, thank you.

  LAVINIA. May I introduce Mr. Peter Quilpe?

  Sir Henry Harcourt-Reilly. Peter’s an old friend

  Of my husband and myself. Oh, I forgot —

  [Turning to ALEX]

  I rather assumed that you knew each other —

  I don’t know why I should. Mr. MacColgie Gibbs.

  ALEX. Indeed, yes, we have met.

  REILLY. On several commissions.

  JULIA. We’ve been having such an interesting conversation.

  Peter’s just over from California

  Where he’s something very important in films.

  He’s making a film of English life

  And he’s going to find parts for all of us. Think of it!

  PETER. But, Julia, I was just about to explain —

  I’m afraid I can’t find parts for anybody

  In this film — it’s not my business;

  And that’s not the way we do it.

  JULIA. But, Peter;

  If you’re taking Boltwell to California

  Why can’t you take me?

  PETER. We’re not taking Boltwell.

  We reconstruct a Boltwell.

  JULIA. Very well, then:

  Why not reconstruct me? It’s very much cheaper.

  Oh, dear, I can see you’re determined not to have me:

  So good-bye to my hopes of seeing California.

  PETER. You know you’d never come if we invited you.

  But there’s someone I wanted to ask about,

  Who did really want to get into films,

  And I always thought she could make a success of it

  If she only got the chance. It’s Celia Coplestone.

  She always wanted to. And now I could help her.

  I’ve already spoken to Bela about her,

  And I want to introduce her to our casting director.

  I’ve got an idea for another film.

  Can you tell me where she is? I couldn’t find her

  In the telephone directory.

  JULIA. Not in the directory,

  Or in any directory. You can tell them now, Alex.

  LAVINIA. What does Julia mean?

  ALEX. I was about to speak of her

  When you came in, Peter. I’m afraid you can’t have Celia.

  PETER. Oh … Is she married?

  ALEX. Not married, but dead.

  LAVINIA. Celia?

  ALEX. Dead.

  PETER. Dead. That knocks the bottom out of it.

  EDWARD. Celia dead.

  JULIA. You had better tell them, Alex,

  The news that you bring back from Kinkanja.

  LAVINIA. Kinkanja? What was Celia doing
in Kinkanja?

  We heard that she had joined some nursing order …

  ALEX. She had joined an order. A very austere one.

  And as she already had experience of nursing …

  LAVINIA. Yes, she had been a V.A.D. I remember.