The Child of the Dawn

  XVII

  I was alone in an instant, and in terrible pain--pain not in any part ofme, but all around and within me. A cold wind of a piercing bitternessseemed to blow upon me; but with it came a sense of immense energy andstrength, so that the pain became suddenly delightful, like thestretching of a stiffened limb. I cannot put the pain into exact words.It was not attended by any horror; it seemed a sense of infinite griefand loss and loneliness, a deep yearning to be delivered and made free.I felt suddenly as though everything I loved had gone from me,irretrievably gone and lost. I looked round me, and I could discernthrough a mist the bases of some black and sinister rocks, that toweredup intolerably above me; in between them were channels full of stonesand drifted snow. Anything more stupendous than those black-ribbedcrags, those toppling precipices, I had never seen. The wind howledamong them, and sometimes there was a noise of rocks cast down. I knewin some obscure way that my path lay there, and my heart absolutelyfailed me. Instead of going straight to the rocks, I began to creepalong the base to see whether I could find some easier track. Suddenlythe voice of Amroth said, rather sharply, in my ear, "Don't be silly!"This homely direction, so peremptorily made, had an instantaneouseffect. If he had said, "Be not faithless," or anything in the copybookmanner, I should have sat down and resigned myself to solemn despair.But now I felt a fool and a coward as well.

  So I addressed myself, like a dog who hears the crack of a whip, to therocks.

  It would be tedious to relate how I clambered and stumbled and agonised.There did not seem to me the slightest use in making the attempt, or thesmallest hope of reaching the top, or the least expectation of findinganything worth finding. I hated everything I had ever seen or known;recollections of old lives and of the quiet garden I had left came uponme with a sort of mental nausea. This was very different from theamiable and easy-going treatment I had expected. Yet I did struggle on,with a hideous faintness and weariness--but would it never stop? Itseemed like years to me, my hands frozen and wetted by snow and drippingwater, my feet bruised and wounded by sharp stones, my garmentsstrangely torn and rent, with stains of blood showing through in places.Still the hideous business continued, but progress was never quiteimpossible. At one place I found the rocks wholly impassable, andchoosing the broader of two ledges which ran left and right, I workedout along the cliff, only to find that the ledge ran into theprecipices, and I had to retrace my steps, if the shuffling motions Imade could be so called. Then I took the harder of the two, whichzigzagged backwards and forwards across the rocks. At one place I saw athing which moved me very strangely. This was a heap of bones, green,slimy, and ill-smelling, with some tattered rags of cloth about them,which lay in a heap beneath a precipice. The thought that a man couldfall and be killed in such a place moved me with a fresh misery. Whatthat meant I could not tell. Were we not away from such things asmouldering flesh and broken bones? It seemed not; and I climbed madlyaway from them. Quite suddenly I came to the top, a bleak platform ofrock, where I fell prostrate on my face and groaned.

  "Yes, that was an ugly business," said the voice of Amroth beside me,"but you got through it fairly well. How do you feel?"

  "I call it a perfect outrage," I said. "What is the meaning of thishateful business?"

  "The meaning?" said Amroth; "never mind about the meaning. The point isthat you are here!"

  "Oh," I said, "I have had a horrible time. All my sense of security isgone from me. Is one indeed liable to this kind of interruption,Amroth?"

  "Of course," said Amroth, "there must be some tests; but you will bebetter very soon. It is all over for the present, I may tell you, andyou will soon be able to enjoy it. There is no terror in pastsuffering--it is the purest joy."

  "Yes, I used to say so and think so," I said, closing my eyes. "But thiswas different--it was horrible! And the time it lasted, and the despairof it! It seems to have soaked into my whole life and poisoned it."

  Amroth said nothing for a minute, but watched me closely.

  Presently I went on. "And tell me one thing. There was a ghastly thing Isaw, some mouldering bones on a ledge. Can people indeed fall and diethere?"

  "Perhaps it was only a phantom," said Amroth, "put there like thesights in the _Pilgrim's Progress_, the fire that was fed secretly withoil, and the robin with his mouth full of spiders, as an encouragementfor wayfarers!"

  "But that," I said, "would be too horrible for anything--to turn theterrors of death into a sort of conjuring trick--a dramaticentertainment, to make one's flesh creep! Why, that was the misery ofsome of the religion taught us in old days, that it seemed often onlydramatic--a scene without cause or motive, just displayed to show us theanger or the mercy of God, so that one had the miserable sense that muchof it was a spectacular affair, that He Himself did not really suffer orfeel indignation, but thought it well to feign emotions, like aschoolmaster to impress his pupils.--and that people too were notpunished for their own sakes, to help them, but just to startle orconvince others."

  "Yes," said Amroth, "I was only jesting, and I see that my jests wereout of place. Of course what you saw was real--there are no pretenceshere. Men and women do indeed suffer a kind of death--the seconddeath--in these places, and have to begin again; but that is only for acertain sort of self-confident and sin-soaked person, whose will needsto be roughly broken. There are certain perverse sins of the spiritwhich need a spiritual death, as the sins of the body need a bodilydeath. Only thus can one be born again."

  "Well," I said, "I am amazed--but now what am I to do? I am fit fornothing, and I shall be fit for nothing hereafter."

  "If you talk like this," said Amroth, "you will only drive me away.There are certain things that it is better not to confess to one'sdearest friend, not even to God. One must just be silent about them, tryto forget them, hope they can never happen again. I tell you, you willsoon be all right; and if you are not you will have to see a physician.But you had better not do that unless you are obliged."

  This made me feel ashamed of myself, and the shame took off my thoughtsfrom what I had endured; but I could do nothing but lie aching andpanting on the rocks for a long time, while Amroth sat beside me insilence.

  "Are you vexed?" I said after a long pause.

  "No, no, not vexed," said Amroth, "but I am not sure whether I have notmade a mistake. It was I who urged that you might go forward, and Iconfess I am disappointed at the result. You are softer than I thought."

  "Indeed I am not," I said. "I will go down the rocks and come up again,if that will satisfy you."

  "Come, that is a little better," said Amroth, "and I will tell you nowthat you did well--better indeed at the time than I expected. You didthe thing in very good time, as we used to say."

  By this time I felt very drowsy, and suddenly dropped off into asleep--such a deep and dreamless sleep, to descend into which was likeflinging oneself into a river-pool by a bubbling weir on a hot and dustyday of summer.

  I awoke suddenly with a pressure on my arm, and, waking up with a senseof renewed freshness, I saw Amroth looking at me anxiously. "Do notsay anything," he said. "Can you manage to hobble a few steps? If youcannot, I will get some help, and we shall be all right--but there maybe an unpleasant encounter, and it is best avoided." I scrambled to myfeet, and Amroth helped me a little higher up the rocks, lookingcarefully into the mist as he did so. Close behind us was a steep rockwith ledges. Amroth flung himself upon them, with an agile scramble ortwo. Then he held his hand down, lying on the top; I took it, and,stiffened as I was, I contrived to get up beside him. "That is right,"he said in a whisper. "Now lie here quietly, don't speak a word, andjust watch."

  I lay, with a sense of something evil about. Presently I heard the soundof voices in the mist to the left of us; and in an instant there loomedout of the mist the form of a man, who was immediately followed by threeothers. They were different from all the other spirits I had yetseen--tall, lean, dark men, very spare and strong. They looked carefullyabout them, mostly glancing down the cliff, and sometime
s conferredtogether. They were dressed in close-fitting dark clothes, which seemedas if made out of some kind of skin or untanned leather, and their wholeair was sinister and terrifying. They passed quite close beneath us, sothat I saw the bald head of one of them, who carried a sort of hook inhis hands.

  When they got to the place where my climb had ended, they stopped andexamined the stones carefully: one of them clambered a few feet down thecliff. Then he came back and seemed to make a brief report, after whichthey appeared undecided what to do; they even looked up at the rockwhere we lay; but while they did this, another man, very similar, camehurriedly out of the mist, said something to the group, and they alldisappeared very quickly into the darkness the same way they had come.Then there was a silence. I should have spoken, but Amroth put a fingeron his lips. Presently there came a sound of falling stones, and afterthat there broke out among the rocks below a horrible crying, as of aman in sore straits and instant fear. Amroth jumped quickly to his feet."This will not do," he said. "Stay here for me." And then leaping downthe rock, he disappeared, shouting words of help--"Hold on--I amcoming."

  He came back some little time afterwards, and I saw that he was notalone. He had with him an old stumbling man, evidently in the lastextremity of terror and pain, with beads of sweat on his brow and bloodrunning down from his hands. He seemed dazed and bewildered. And Amrothtoo looked ruffled and almost weary, as I had never seen him look. Icame down the rock to meet them. But Amroth said, "Wait here for me; ithas been a troublesome business, and I must go and bestow this poorcreature in a place of safety--I will return." He led the old man awayamong the rocks, and I waited a long time, wondering very heavily whatit was that I had seen.

  When Amroth came back to the rock he was fresh and smiling again: heswung himself up, and sat by me, with his hands clasped round his knees.Then he looked at me, and said, "I daresay you are surprised? You didnot expect to see such terrors and dangers here? And it is a greatmystery."

  "You must be kind," I said, "and explain to me what has happened."

  "Well," said Amroth, "there is a large gang of men who infest thisplace, who have got up here by their agility, and can go no further,who make it their business to prevent all they can from coming up. Iconfess that it is the hardest thing of all to understand why it isallowed; but if you expect all to be plain sailing up here, you aremistaken. One needs to be wary and strong. They do much harm here, andwill continue to do it."

  "What would have happened if they had found us here?" I said.

  "Nothing very much," said Amroth; "a good deal of talk no doubt, andsome blows perhaps. But it was well I was with you, because I could havesummoned help. They are not as strong as they look either--it is mostlyfear that aids them."

  "Well, but _who_ are they?" I said.

  "They are the most troublesome crew of all," said Amroth, "and comenearest to the old idea of fiends--they are indeed the origin of thatnotion. To speak plainly, they are men who have lived virtuous lives,and have done cruel things from good motives. There are some kings andstatesmen among them, but they are mostly priests and schoolmasters,I imagine--people with high ideals, of course! But they are notreplenished so fast as they used to be, I think. Their difficulty isthat they can never see that they are wrong. Their notion is that thisis a bad place to come to, and that people are better left in ignoranceand bliss, obedient and submissive. A good many of them have given upthe old rough methods, and hang about the base of the cliff, dissuadingsouls from climbing: they do the most harm of all, because if one doesturn back here, it is long before one may make a new attempt. But enoughof this," he added; "it makes me sick to think of them--the old fellowyou saw with me had an awful fright--he was nearly done as it was! But Isee you are feeling stronger, and I think we had better be going. Onedoes not stay here by choice, though the place has a beauty of its own.And now you will have an easier time for awhile."

  We descended from our rock, and Amroth led the way, through a longcleft, with rocks, very rough and black, on either side, and fallenfragments under foot. It was steep at first; but soon the rocks grewlower; and we came out presently on to a great desolate plain, withstones lying thickly about, among a coarse kind of grass. At each step Iseemed to grow stronger, and walked more lightly, and in the thin fineair my horrors left me, though I still had a dumb sense of sufferingwhich, strange to say, I found it almost pleasant to resist. And so wewalked for a time in friendly silence, Amroth occasionally indicatingthe way. The hill began to slope downwards very slowly, and the wind tosubside. The mist drew off little by little, till at last I saw ahead ofus a great bare-looking fortress with high walls and little windows, anda great blank tower over all.