Off Sides

  She arches a perfectly plucked eyebrow at me. "Wouldn't I? He's already turned his back on our family, why wouldn't I do the same thing?

  I suck in my breath. How could the woman that birthed such a wonderful man as Ryan do this to him? Having had the most loving and wonderful mother in the world, it's just beyond my comprehension.

  I bite at my lip and glance out the window at the darkened street. It was only ten short days ago that Ryan walked into my life...right here in this very diner. And now, I am being asked to make a decision to give it all up. I've sadly come full circle.

  Mrs. Burnham leans across the table. "Look...I can see you're a nice enough girl. But you could be his downfall. If he gets convicted, he can kiss a hockey career goodbye. Without my support in getting these charges dropped, Ryan could end up in prison. Do you want that to be on your head?"

  My shoulders slump in defeat. What she is offering is the only sure way to get Ryan out of trouble. Trouble he would not have been in had he never even met me.

  Celia leans forward and her look is coldly masterful. "Let me also make this clear. If you see Ryan or talk to him after the charges are dropped, I will personally see to it that he doesn't get into the NHL. My husband has enough contacts that can kill any chances of him having this hockey career that he so very much desires."

  This woman is a monster but I do nothing more than give a small nod of my head in agreement to her demands.

  "Excellent. I expect you to break things off with him immediately."

  She stands from the booth and Emily crawls out behind her. I keep my eyes down on the Formica table until they leave. Then I let the tears flow.

  ***

  Ryan is due at my apartment any minute and I'm trying to compose myself in a way that will make this breakup believable. I've asked Paula to make herself scarce tonight. She wants to know what is going on and I tell her I'll fill her in later. I'm sure her shoulders will be soggy by the time she gets me under control.

  There's a knock at my door and my heart feels shredded already. I probably have less than five minutes left of having Ryan in my life. This is the same pain I felt when I lost my mother and I never thought I would feel this way again.

  I open the door and Ryan steps in. He wraps his arms around me and buries his nose in my hair. I cling to him tightly for a moment and then step away. Staying in his arms any longer could be disastrous for what I need to do.

  Ryan starts jabbering about practice but I'm only catching about every fourth word. I'm too preoccupied with how to launch into my speech.

  "Are you okay, Danny? Have you heard a word I've said?"

  He's looking at me with a soft smile on his face and his head is angled in curiosity.

  "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

  "I said the school is letting me stay on the team until we have resolution on the criminal charges. Even better, the entire team voted to have me remain as Captain. They're really rallying around us."

  He takes me in his arms again and kisses me. His enthusiasm is infectious and I let it sweep me away for a few minutes. I want to have more memories of him so I will take these kisses as payment for the evil job I'm getting ready to do.

  My body is eagerly responding to Ryan and I know if I don't back away, we are going to end up in bed together. And I most certainly cannot let that happen. There's no way I'll survive a goodbye fuck with the man I love.

  I step back from Ryan and walk over to the couch.

  "Ry...can we talk for a few minutes?"

  I'm wringing my hands as I take a seat and the look on Ryan's face is cautious. He sits beside me and leans back, placing one arm on the back of the couch. I turn sideways so I can look him in the face.

  I owe it to him to look him in the face when I break his heart.

  Ryan skims my hair with gentle fingertips and tucks it behind my ear. I relish his touch. "What's wrong, baby? You're starting to worry me."

  I reach out and grasp his hand and squeeze it tightly in mine. The tears pool in my eyes and I take a steadying breath.

  "Ryan...I can't see you anymore." I look at him and I can tell he doesn't comprehend. "I can't be with you anymore. I want to break up."

  Ryan pushes forward on the couch and frames my face with his hands so I'm focused on him. "Tell me this is a joke."

  I shake my head, lowering my eyes. I can't stand the sorrow on his face. "It's not."

  "Why?" he demands.

  I start crying in earnest. How do I say words that aren't true but are guaranteed to slice deeply into his heart?

  "I can't handle any of this..." I say vaguely.

  "You'll have to be more specific, Danny," he grits out.

  Ryan's face is awash in anger and disbelief. My stomach is rolling and my head is pounding. He's going to make me irrevocably hurt him.

  I stand up and straighten my spine. I dash my tears away and look at him with as much disgust as I can muster. "You bring too much misery and chaos to my life, Ryan. Your parents hate me. Your friends think I'm a whore."

  "But we've talked about this. We're handling those things together. I don't believe those things are driving you away from me."

  I have to make the final push so he believes me. My soul dies over my next words. "For God's sake, Ryan...I almost got raped because of some pissing contest you had with your teammate. It's your fault."

  Ryan's face blanches and so much pain fills his eyes that I think I might vomit. He's so wounded right now and I am the one that did this to him. My heart shrivels and dies. I'll never be able to forgive myself.

  Ryan looks down at the carpet, confusion on his face. Then he looks back up at me.

  "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I didn't mean to cause you any pain."

  Oh my God. I'm getting ready to lose it in front of him and I need him to leave before I break down and confess his mother's wicked plot. I reach on the other side of the couch and pull out my violin case. I walk to the door and open it. "Please leave, Ryan and don't contact me again."

  I'm looking at the floor, trying to stop the flood of tears I can feel coming. Ryan walks up to me and I can feel him staring at me hard. I hold the case out. "Take the violin. I don't want it."

  He doesn't say anything for a minute and I refuse to look at him. Finally, he says, "It was a gift to you, Danny. Throw it away if you don't want it."

  Then he steps out the door and out of my life.

  I softly close the door behind him and then sink to the floor, weeping for the torment I caused him.

  CHAPTER 17

  Ryan

  I'm driving to my parents' home in Beacon Hill. My father is still in Washington, D.C. but my mother invited me to lunch. I am furious with her. I cannot prove it but I just know that she is behind Danny's sudden break up with me.

  At first, when I left Danny's apartment, I was shell shocked. Everything that made me happy had suddenly been stripped from me. I was mad at Danny for all of about two minutes, but while I was driving back home, it struck me. Danny didn't have it in her to break up like that. On top of that, I know without a doubt that Danny loves me. It would take something monumentally sinister to get her to do that. And the most monumentally sinister thing I knew was my mother.

  I've tried calling Danny several times. She won't answer the phone or return my messages. I've called Paula but she is vague and non-committal. She says she'll pass my messages on but I have no clue if she is really doing it. I've even staked out Helping Hands Ministry and Sally's, hoping to catch her so we can talk. She's avoiding me like the plague.

  Now it's been two weeks since Danny booted me out of her life and I want answers. The formal criminal charges against me were dropped. My attorney worked a deal out with Malone's attorney. He may get a nominal part of my trust fund, but it's worth it not to have that shit hanging over my head. This news should make me deliriously happy but it tastes cold and bitter. None of it matters if Danny is not in my life.

  I pull into the driveway and take a few meditative breaths.
I'm going to need all the help I can get dealing with my mother.

  Walking into the house, I hear voices coming from the back sunroom. I walk in and immediately spot Angeline sitting next to my mother. They stop talking when they see me and in the next instant, Angeline runs to me, throwing herself against my body.

  "I've missed you so much, Ryan."

  My arms remain at my side and I clench and unclench my fists in an effort to remain calm. When Angeline doesn't take the hint that I'm not returning her embrace, I peel her off of my body and step away from her.

  "What are you doing here, Angeline?" My voice is cold and flat.

  The smile drops from her face and she looks at my mother for help.

  "I just assumed you'd be happy to see me now that you've broken up with that..." Angeline trails off when she sees the murderous look on my face.

  "I invited her to lunch with us, Ryan," my mother interrupts. "Now stop being so rude."

  I turn to Angeline. "You need to leave. And please accept my word when I tell you that I am not interested in you anymore nor will I ever be."

  "Ryan!" my mother admonishes me.

  Angeline doesn't move and she's looking back and forth between the two of us.

  "Leave, Angeline. Now!" My voice is cold and furious, and she knows better than to test me right now. She scurries away like a small rodent and moments later I hear the front door slam.

  My mother is looking at me with shrewd eyes. I take the seat that Angeline just vacated. "We need to talk, Mother."

  Clasping the pearls around her neck, my mother leans back in her chair and crosses her legs. She can't help herself when she says, "Honestly, Ryan. I have no idea what's gotten into you. You are going to have to do some groveling now to get Angeline back."

  I sit forward in my chair and rest my elbows on my knees, clasping my hands together. I look my mother straight into her eyes, and ask, "Do you ever really listen to anything I say?"

  She looks confused. "What? Of course I do."

  "Then one more time...I am not going to be with Angeline...ever again. So stop shoving her down my throat. You're doing nothing more than hurting her because you build up her expectations and I'm tearing them down. Just give it a break."

  My mother swallows hard but her voice is firm. "Fine. I hear you. I'll stop throwing Angeline at you. No matter. There are plenty of acceptable women in this area."

  I can feel my control slipping so I take another deep breath and exhale it out slowly. "Forget about other women for a minute. I want you to tell me how and why you convinced Danny to break up with me."

  Watching her reaction carefully, I was rewarded. It was only there for a brief moment, but I clearly saw it flash across her face. At first I thought it was guilt but then I realized this was my mother we were talking about and she would never feel guilty about hurting my relationship with Danny. No, what I saw was pure culpability. She panicked for a split second thinking I had something on her before she could school her features back into impassivity.

  "I have no clue what you're talking about, Ryan." She sounds affronted but it also sounds hollow to me.

  "Don't lie to me, Mother."

  "I'm not lying to you and don't you accuse me of that. It's disrespectful and I'll not tolerate that behavior from my children."

  "Tell me the truth!" I yell.

  I'm frustrated beyond measure and I need for her to tell me that my suspicions are correct. Because if she verifies that for me, that means I have a chance to get Danny back.

  My mother stands up. "We are done with this conversation. I suggest you leave and not come back until you can show me some respect."

  Turning on her heel she walks toward the door.

  I try one last tactic. "If you ever even had a small measure of love for me, I'm begging you mom...please tell me the truth." My words are soft and pleading.

  She pauses for just a second and I think she might turn around and tell me what I want to know, but then she continues walking toward the door and doesn't look back.

  Defeated, I leave my house and I doubt I'll be returning. The painful realization that my mother doesn't care enough about me to want my happiness is starting to sink in. It's amazing how much this hurts, given the fact that I have never been very close to my parents in the first place. I guess there was a part of me that believed that some nurturing, maternal instinct would spring forth from Celia Burnham. Sadly, the fact that I was pretty much raised by our nanny should have clued me in and lowered my expectations.

  ***

  I'm back at the frat house and lying on my bed. Hands clasped behind my head, I need to figure out what my next move will be with Danny. My main problem is in making contact with her since she won't return my calls. I suppose I can stalk her at Sally's or at her apartment, but I'm leery of doing that until I know for sure what I'm going to say. I think this is a one-shot deal with Danny and I don't want to screw it up.

  I'll have to admit I'm a little hurt she won't return my calls. I understand my mother, in all likelihood, did something atrocious to scare Danny off. But there is that one small part of me that wishes Danny cared about me enough that we could have at least remained friends.

  Running through a mental list of all of the things I want to say to Danny, I'm startled when someone knocks on my door.

  "Come in."

  The door creaks open and my sister, Emily, peaks her head in. I'm stunned she's here. We are not very close but we do tolerate each other. As far as I can remember, I don't think she's ever been to visit me here on campus.

  "Hey," I say. "What are you doing here?"

  She shrugs her shoulders and doesn't say anything but she does walk in and shuts the door. She's dressed in designer jeans and a lightweight sweater. Her dark hair is pulled up into a ponytail and I suddenly realize how pretty she is. She's going to break someone's heart one day.

  After looking around the room, she finally sits on Mike's bed with her hands clasped in her lap.

  "Can I ask you something?" she begins.

  I sit up on the bed and turn to face her. I have no clue where this is going and it's a bit surreal. If I had to bet money, Mother has sent her here to do some reconnaissance.

  "Sure," I tell her.

  "Do you really love this girl, Danny?" She says Danny's name with a little bit of distaste but I also hear genuine curiosity. It's like love is a foreign concept to her, and maybe it is. I have no clue if Emily has ever been in love or if she is even dating someone. It makes me realize that I don't know much about her at all.

  "I love Danny very much." I don't offer more because, again, I have no clue why she is here and I have to assume it's on Mother's behalf.

  Emily looks down at her hands and she nervously twirls a dainty sapphire ring she is wearing. She looks back up at me. "Would you tell me why?"

  This time there is nothing in her tone other than a pleading to understand something that might be beyond her concept. Maybe Emily is here because she's maturing past the elitist brat I've always assumed her to be.

  I take a deep breath and give her a wistful smile. "Okay. Let's see. Do you want the list numerically or alphabetically?"

  Emily lets out a very unladylike snort and immediately slaps her hand over her mouth because she can't believe she just did that. She giggles at herself which causes my eyebrows to rise. I don't think I've ever heard Emily giggle before.

  Removing her hand from her mouth, she says with a grin, "In any order you want."

  "Well, when I first met Danny it was her wit that got my attention. In fact, I actually heard her before I saw her...and I was captivated by her intelligence. But when I looked up, I was immediately attracted to her. I thought she was so beautiful."

  "But her hair is purple and she has piercings in her face?"

  There is the judgmental tone again but I have patience with her. "Why does that matter, Emily? Really, in the grand scheme of things...so what?"

  Emily shrugs her shoulders. "Because it's weird I guess. N
o one we know looks like that."

  "Well, then I'd say maybe you need to expand your horizons a bit."

  I can see the wheels turning in her head as she ponders that statement. "What else?" she demands.

  "She's really smart and talented. She was a music major at Julliard but had to drop out when her mother got cancer. She plays the violin and she's amazingly good. I'm trying to get her to go back."

  "What else?" she whispers.

  "She's kind and generous. She volunteers a few times a week at a homeless shelter. I've gone there to help her a few times and met some really interesting people."

  Emily looks at me in horror over the prospect of working in a homeless shelter. Okay, so I probably will never get Emily to explore that side of her humanitarianism but it was worth a shot.

  She's silent for a while, again twisting that ring of hers. She looks anxious.

  "Those are all really good reasons to love someone," she whispers.

  "Emily, they're the best reasons to love someone. Not because of some silly notions we have about class or stations in life."

  Emily stands up and comes to sit beside me on my bed. She turns to look at me and her face is awash with misery.

  "Danny didn't breakup with you voluntarily," she whispered. "Mother threatened you to get her to do it."

  "Son of a bitch," I exclaim loudly. I had suspected this was the case, but hearing it out loud pisses me off. Emily flinches from the anger in my voice, but it doesn't scare her off for which I'm glad. She continues on.

  "Mother went to see her a few weeks ago and asked me to go along. I admit...I was curious to see this girl that was causing so much trouble in our household. And I'm sorry. I looked at her and I just didn't understand what you saw in her. But I get it now."

  I exhale heavily, vindicated to know the truth at last. But I need more details and my mother is not going to give them to me.

  Tears are swimming in Emily's eyes and while I'm angry at her, I have to be thankful she brought this to me. I grab her in a quick hug. "Thanks, Em. That means the world that you told me the truth."

  She nods her head and squeezes me back. "What else can I do to help?"

  "Just tell me everything that Mother said to Danny so I can try to make this right with her and beg forgiveness of my family's stupidity."

  "That's a whole lot of stupid," Emily quips and I nod in agreement.