Reasons for Recovery

  Chapter 17

  September 25

  I opened the front door and the beam of the sun blinded me. I narrowed my eyes and realized Marla was at the front door with her suitcase behind her back. She had puffy bags under her eyes as if she were crying all night. Her hair was wavy and knotted as well—she was a mess.

  “Where’s Raymond?” she demanded and pushed me out the doorway. “I need to speak to him.”

  “He’s upstairs and don’t push me!” I said as I slammed the door shut.

  “Oh, who are you? His girlfriend?” she shoved me. “You don’t know a damn thing.”

  “I said don’t push me!” I shoved Marla in the back.

  “Grr—”

  “What are you doing here, Marla?” Raymond said as he walked down the stairs.

  “I know what you told Tim’s wife!” she screamed. “Get over the fact that Tim Summings is my new man. If you keep threatening him, I will tell the police to arrest you again!”

  “He doesn’t love you like I do!” Raymond cried. “I will do anything to get you back.”

  “Get over it,” she laughed, “I don’t love you anymore.”

  “What did you tell Tim’s wife?” I said.

  “None of your business! Why don’t you leave?” Raymond snapped and it was the first time it ever happened.

  “You know what, I’ll leave then. I have school anyway!” I said and left out the house.

  As I waited for Jordan to come with his motorcycle, I could not stop thinking about how Raymond was mad at me. As if, I did something to him. All I did was deal with all his emotional crap. He should have been praising me.

  I ran back into the house where Raymond was crying in Marla’s arms to get a snack. It was pathetic. I had never seen a man cry so much in my life. He had some real mental issues, far off from mine.

  As I put an apple in my bag, my phone rang—“Hello?”

  “Where are you at?” Jordan asked. “I’m in the back.”

  “I switched rooms remember. I’ll come out now.”

  “Sorry, I’m late. My mom came home early and my parents were fighting—”

  “Did she see Marla?” I asked as I packed my bag with pens from the table.

  “Yes, it was horrible. The worst part is she doesn’t even know Marla is pregnant.”

  “Oh, you know about her pregnancy?” I muttered.

  “Obviously. Yeah, what are you doing? Come down, we are gonna be late for school!”

  “We are not going to school.”

  “Why not, it's Monday?”

  “Because I’m going to visit my mom,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “I’m demanding my money.”

  “Hmm, okay…come outside so you can explain.”

  I hurried out the door, ignoring Marla and Raymond. I slammed it forcefully, meaning I was mad. I searched for Jordan through the fog. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear his loud bike getting closer.

  “Hey, baby!” he said and kissed me on the lips.

  “Let’s go!” I put my helmet on and jumped on the backseat. It was my first time attempting to get on a motorcycle, so it didn’t go so smoothly.

  “So where are we going?” he said.

  “To my old home to see my Mama.”

  “For what?”

  “I told you I’m demanding money.”

  “What money?”

  “Just shut up and drive.”

  And we stormed off like too rebels ditching school; which we were. I tried not to think about the fog and how he could crash into anything. Riding a motorcycle wasn’t as glamorous as it looked. My panties were bunched up and my jeans were too tight for me to breathe. As he sped quicker down the empty streets, the wind of the town took my breath away as the leather in my jacket shocked my skin.

  Within ten minutes, we were at my old home on the crappy part of town. I got off the bike and my hair was like strings going in different directions.

  I laughed. “I look crazy!”

  “Ha, it’s okay,” he said as he got off the bike. “Should I wait out here?”

  “No, come with me. It might get ugly and I need backup if she turns into a lion.”

  As we approached the porch, Mama was already opening the door, holding a glass of wine and smoking a cigarette. “Oh honey, I missed you!” she ran over to me and kissed me. “Come in, come in.”

  “I’m gonna make this quick. I will do anything—”

  “Before you speak, I have some news to tell you,” she said as she smoked her cigarette.

  “But, Mama, let me speak—”

  “It’s about my health,” she said in a soft tone. “I wanted to tell you the day you stormed out but you were so mad.”

  I grabbed Jordan to sit on the plastic couch next to me. “What is it?”

  “I’m getting no better. I can’t afford the medication, with all your father’s medical bills. And your medical bills, I think I’m gonna die right here in this old home.”

  “Oh, Mama, don’t say that. It’ll be okay.” I said as if I were asking a question.

  “I can’t afford this home either with my waitress job,” she began to cry. “It’s so hard.”

  I swallowed. “I can help you.”

  “You? Help me?” she laughed. “How?”

  “Um…” I remembered what my father had told me before he died—“Do not give your Mama any of your money I’m leaving for you.” Cassie, do not do it! Don’t help her! That is not why I wanted you to come here.

  “I can help you with daddy’s money. I’m eighteen now, so I can inherit it.”

  “Baby, I would never ask you to give me your father’s money. That money is for your college education. I won’t take it because he chose you.”

  “I’ll give you half—”

  “No, I won’t take it!” she demanded. “It’s for you.”

  “But Mama, I will give it to you.”

  “I didn’t even think you remembered that money,” she smirked.

  “Why wouldn’t I remember?”

  “It’s been years—”

  “Only four years—”

  “Four years worth of your medical bills,” she muttered. “I’ve gotta tell you the truth, baby. I wanted to tell you in a different way…”

  “About what?”

  “I spent the money—”

  “What?” I gasped.

  “I had to. I used it on your medical bills. I could not have the money, but I asked daddy’s lawyer and he said as long as I used it on you. I did—on your medical bills. I couldn’t afford all that stuff. All the times I had to call the ambulance, your hospital stays, the medication. I’m still paying off bills.” Mama walked to her table. “Look, it’s your daddy’s loans from college, and this is my medication bill. I can’t even afford to pay my light bill this month.”

  “You had no right to use that money. I needed it for college.”

  “You? College? You’ll be lucky enough to graduate high school. You don’t ever go to school.”

  “You’re my mother; you’re supposed to support me!”

  “I’m sorry, but the money is gone. About ten grand is left,” she cried. “You did this to me!”

  “Did what?”

  “I swear, Cassidy, you’re so selfish. I do everything for you but you repay me in bills, bills, bills! In the last year, Cassidy, you have been to the hospital over fifty times. I had to call the ambulance twenty times. I had to get you a psychologist. You think those things were free?”

  “You’re selfish.” Cassidy, forget about the money. That's not what I wanted you to go home for.

  “Me? You’re so selfish when you try to commit suicide. Who do you think you’re hurting more—”

  “Jordan, let’s go!” I snapped and pulled Jordan to leave with me. “I guess this is the same thing you told daddy, right?”

  “Don’t say that!” she snapped.

  “Just admit that you poisoned him and I won’t bother you ever again.”


  “I would never do that—”

  “Just say you did it and I’ll leave you alone!” I cried. “Just say it!”

  “What do you want me to say? You want me to embarrass myself and say I did poison him because I was sick of him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, Cassidy. I did do it. Are you happy?”

  “Tell him not me.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “It’s a coping technique,” I snapped. “Just tell him so he can leave me alone.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Mama, just tell him and I’ll leave.”

  “Hubby, I poisoned you because I was sick of you and your medical bills. Are you happy, Cassidy?” she laughed.

  I paused and listened for daddy’s voice. “Is that why you wanted me to come here? Just so you could know the truth.” It was silent up there.

  “Aren’t you coming back home? I miss you,” Mama said as she continued to laugh.

  “That’s all I came here for; I came here for daddy not you.” I pulled Jordan out the door and slammed the house door shut. Mama didn’t follow me out because she knew she lost me for good.

  “Are you okay?” Jordan finally spoke. “You look pissed.”

  “Can you believe her?” I snapped as I wiped the raindrops off my face.

  “Fifty times?” Jordan said in amazement. “You’ve been to the hospital fifty times?”

  “It’s all her fault!” I cried. “And to think I was gonna give her my money.”

  “It is your fault.”

  “What?” I gasped at Jordan.

  “You didn’t have to try to commit suicide so many times.”

  “You know nothing. So, don’t try to act like you know me so well because you don’t.”

  “I’m just saying—”

  “I’ll walk to school,” I said as I pushed his helmet away.

  “Cassie, don’t be like that. Come on, we are already late. It looks like it’s about to storm.”

  “Nope, I’m fine. I can walk.”

  “You’re so damn stubborn.” Jordan hopped on his bike. “If you change your mind, call me.”

  I ignored him as he drove off. I walked in the opposite direction of school and walked toward to the bowling center. On my way there, I had dialed Karen’s number and it went to voicemail. I had forgotten already.

  The lump in my throat felt bigger than ever as I entered the bowling center in tears. The bowling center was empty as everyone was at school today. Somewhere I should have been.

  Instead, I went to the ladies room to clean my running mascara off my face. I knew I looked like a hot mess, because I could feel the heaviness on my skin.

  “Grr, how can Mama say I’m selfish? She is beyond selfish. She killed daddy because she couldn’t pay his bills. That is selfish!” I said to myself in the mirror as I dug around in my backpack for a razor. Then, I remembered I left it in my car. I smiled as I found my eyebrow razor in my makeup bag and I sat it on the sink—ready to be in ecstasy.

  I closed my eyes, trying to get to a peaceful place again. The bathroom was silent, but then the sound of a girl moaning woke me from my peaceful zone—it was a moan of pain. I dropped my razor in the sink and walked around the stalls, quietly looking for the girl. The moans got louder as I walked closer to the back of the bathroom.

  “Please, don’t come back here,” the girl spoke. I couldn’t see her, but I had a feeling she could see me.

  “Is someone in here?” I said.

  “Well duh!” she snapped.

  I walked to the last stall and kicked open the door. If this were any other day, I would be queen creep.

  A girl with a huge wound in her arm was sitting against the toilet. Her arm bled a sparkling red glitter that looked familiar. Without hesitation, I walked over to her and wrapped her arm in my scarf—just like Mandy taught me.

  “Are you okay?” I asked the girl, whose eyes were blistering red. “Can you hear me?”

  She giggled as her eyes rolled behind her head. “I’m fine,” she said so softly I could barely hear her.

  “I’m Cassie White,” I said like a robot. “I’m here to help you.”

  “I’m fine, Cassie. Really I am.”

  I removed the scarf from her arm and her blood came flowing like a waterfall. I was no expert but I knew that was too much blood to lose. I looked under my boots and blood covered the entire stall. “Oh my gosh, how long have you been sitting here?” I gasped as I wrapped the scarf tightly on her arm again. “Did you do this to yourself?”

  “You wouldn’t understand,” she said. “No one understands.”

  “Trust me, I understand.” I spotted the sharp blade next to her thigh and grabbed it. “You stay here.”

  I ran out the stall and out into the bowling entrance. “Mark, please you have to call 911. There is a girl in the bathroom that is bleeding to death.” Yeah, I was very dramatic, but it was true.

  “She had a baby?” Mark said as he ran to the phone. “Is she dead?”

  “Nope, just call 911.”

  “Okay.” He ran to the phone and dialed 911 and I could hear him instantly talking to an operator.

  I ran back to the bathroom and quickly threw all my things into my school bag. Then, I ran back to the girl who was drowning in ecstasy.

  “I’ve been sitting here for a while,” she said. “I couldn’t stop.”

  “What’s your name?” I said.

  “Huh?” she said as her eyes closed and she drifted away.

  With my heart racing, I dug in her pocket searching for a wallet with contact information. I pulled out her school ID and she was a student at Simon high—my high school. Her name was Jennifer Lowe and she was seventeen and would be eighteen in a few months. She did not have anything else in there, where I could contact her family.

  I could hear the ambulance arriving and I put my hand on her chest. She was still alive.

  “We’re back here!” I yelled for the paramedics. “Back here in the restroom!”

  “Coming!”

  They came running with a stretcher and equipment that I would not know what to call it. I got out the way and watched as they attempted to put IV in her and wrap her arm in proper medical equipment.

  She seemed lifeless as someone tried to take her vital signs. Her body was all flimsy and her skin was pale like porcelain. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be alright. I instantly thought of Mandy when they pushed her off to the paramedics, except she wasn’t covered in blood and her head was intact.

  I wondered if that was how I looked when I was in that state. I wonder what the paramedics thought about a girl like her—a girl like me.

  I went to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I did not know Jennifer but I felt like she knew me. I wanted to know more about her and why she would try to kill herself. I wanted to understand why such a beautiful teen would want to end her life so suddenly. She seemed like she had the world at her fingertips. But, that was all judgment can get me—I knew nothing just like no one knew anything about me.

  I felt uneasy as Dr. Summings came walking in my direction. Uneasy 1: because I was dating his son. Uneasy 2: because I knew about his affair.

  “Cassidy,” Dr. Summings greeted.

  “Hello Tim…I mean Dr. Summings,” I said.

  “When I heard a suicide victim was coming in, I just knew it would be Cassidy White lying on the stretcher, but I was wrong. When I heard you were the one who saved Jennifer, I was amazed—”

  “Excuse me, save?”

  “Yeah, you should feel honored you save that girl’s life. She had been bleeding for a while and if you hadn’t called 911, she would have died right there in a matter of minutes. And the way you wrapped her arm up saved her time.”

  “I saved her?” I said in disbelief.

  “Yeah, if you wouldn’t have been there, I would have bad news to share with the public.”

  “Really?”

  “Lo
oks like you do have good in you.”

  My heart began to pound in excitement. My presence had a purpose. I finally understood who I was.