Take it Deep (Take 2)

  After showering and getting ready, I make my way to the kitchen to make something to eat. I bring my phone with me, but I sit and eat my cereal first. I don’t want any knots in my stomach to put me off my food, so my messages will just have to wait.

  After finishing I wash up and brace myself for what to expect. I check my text messages first and can see half a dozen from Matthew all begging me to call and wondering if I’m okay. The rest are from Jake.

  ‘Ana, please call me. We need to talk.’

  Next one, ‘Please answer your phone, I need to explain.’

  And another, ‘I’m going out of my mind not being able to see you. I’m so sorry. Please see me. I miss you.’

  They’re all very much like that and I delete every one of them. What does he expect from me? I’m certainly not entertaining the idea of seeing him with my mother back in the picture.

  I put my phone back on the table and just then another beep alerts me to a new message. I pick it up and it’s Jake again.

  ‘Happy Birthday, Ana. I wish I could see you and talk to you. I need you to know how I feel. Nothing’s changed.’

  I get up and stomp around the kitchen. I’m mad. How dare he send me a message like that telling me nothing has changed. Everything has changed and there’s no going back after this. I feel suddenly charged and decide the best course of action is a run. I go back to my room and get my kit out, thankful to Jessie that she thought of everything when she went round for my things. I get myself ready and head out the door.

  The day is a little duller then yesterday but at least it’s not raining. I start my stretches and make off filling my lungs with air. I pace myself as it has been a while since I’ve done any kind of exercise at all. I need some happy endorphins to kick in. I could do with a bit of that now. I could get despondent about the way my life has turned out with what has been handed to me over the years, but I have my health, I have my friends and a good job that I worked really hard to achieve. I’m young and a huge part of my life is still mapped out in front of me. Who knows where I’ll be in five to ten years' time. Part of it is exciting, but another part of me is thinking that this all just scares the shit out of me.

  I run past Walmart noticing a nice path alongside it. It looks like the perfect running spot, as there are a few runners and dog walkers using it. The path has trees either side and I can already see a hint of the beautiful fall colors taking shape. It looks magical.

  I push myself on for another thirty minutes before winding back round to Jessie’s apartment. When I get through the door—panting and sweating—I can hear Jessie’s landline ringing. I run to the phone and answer.

  “Hey, Ana, what have you been up to? You’re breathing heavily,” Michael laughs.

  “Hi Michael, I’ve just been out for a run. You’re lucky as I only just got through the door when you rang.”

  “I hope you don’t mind but Jessie gave me her number? I hear it’s someone’s birthday today.”

  Oh God, I want to die of embarrassment. Damn Jessie and her big mouth. “Please don’t make a fuss, Michael. It’s just a normal day like any other.”

  “Don’t be silly. If I could, I would take you out for dinner before the movies, but I can’t make it until eight, is that okay? I’ll come pick you up once I’m done here.”

  “You can still come, that’s great. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll see you then.”

  We hang up and I quickly feel another shower is in order. I wouldn’t have had that one earlier if I’d known I was going for a run, but it can’t be helped. I wasn’t to know that Jake was going to text me those stupid messages of his and get me all wound up.

  I get myself dressed again and notice the time. It’s already after three o’clock, so won’t be long before Jessie’s home. I make my way to the kitchen to grab some fruit when the doorbell rings. It’s like Grand Central Station here all of a sudden. I quickly turn my heels and make my way to the door. I take a look through the peep hole and notice it’s Matthew. I swing the door open and see Cindy there with him. She’s holding some flowers.

  “Hey guys it's great to see you. Come in.” Cindy hands me the flowers and gives me a hug.

  “Happy Birthday, Ana!” she shouts.

  We make our way through to the living room and I quickly grab an empty vase sitting on one of Jessie’s display cabinets. “Thanks, Cindy. I hope you’re doing okay? I’ll quickly put these in some water and be right back.”

  I rush to the kitchen and fill the vase with water and put the pretty pink flowers in the vase. I come back out and place them neatly on the side cabinet.

  “They look beautiful. Thank you, Cindy.”

  They both sit down on the sofa and hold hands. They look happy and it makes me smile.

  “You’re welcome. I had to get Matthew here to bring me straight round after school once I heard it was your birthday. I hope you don’t mind? We weren’t disturbing you or anything were we?”

  “Of course not, I’m glad you’re here. All I’ve done is sleep in, lay around the place, and I’ve not long been back from a run—so nothing major. I’m actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow as I’ve been a little bored, I must admit. I need something to keep myself occupied.” Cindy looks at me brandishing a sympathetic smile. Matthew looks curious.

  “Dad will be interested to hear that. He’s a jerk, but I know he’s missing you.”

  I try to fight back the tears that are threatening to overwhelm me. I’ve done enough crying over this man.

  “Stella’s moving out today.”

  That grabbed my attention.

  He notices and carries on. “Dad’s found her somewhere to live and he’s moving her in shortly—if he hasn’t already. He’s told her that although he will care for the baby and provide for it, he doesn’t feel anything for her, so she has to leave. I should imagine she will be there by now. He’s paid for it of course. You know dad, he’s generous to a fault. I think he feels he has to for the baby.”

  I shift uncomfortably in my seat. “You know this doesn’t change anything, Matthew.”

  He puts his hands up, “I’m not saying it does. Of course things are different now. Quite frankly it pisses me off, but I’m glad she’s out the house at least.”

  I get up remembering I have houseguests. “Where are my manners? You guys want a drink?” They nod their heads and I make my way to grab them a soda. They stay chatting for a little while and it’s nice to see and hear how great things are going on between the both of them.

  “I’m meeting their parents this weekend.” He visibly cringes. He’s obviously very nervous about that prospect.

  I reach out and squeeze his hand. “I’m sure they will love you just as much as we do, Matthew. You have nothing to worry about.” I look over to Cindy for some support and she nods her head.

  “I’m sure they will do, too,” she smiles.

  When they leave it’s after five o’clock and I know Jessie will be home soon, eager to get ready for her date. I’m busy in the kitchen making pasta when she walks in the door. I’m stirring the tagliatelle when I feel her presence in the kitchen. “Hey Jessie, how was work?” She doesn’t answer and I wonder what the hell is going on. I turn to see her staring at me. She looks worried.

  “We have company,” was all she said.

  My stomach drops as I wonder if it’s Jake, but instead my mother appears from behind the door. I really don’t need this.

  “I’ll go and leave you two to some privacy.”

  I quickly jump, “No, Jessie, please stay. Whatever my mum has to say, she can say it in front of you, too.”

  “Ana, darling, please, you’re being silly. I know I’ve hurt you, but there’s no need for this. Can’t we talk alone?”

  I shake my head, “No, Mum, we can’t. I don’t want you here. You up and left without so much as a goodbye. Why did you do it, Mum, and why have you come back?”

  “I missed you and I missed Jake. It was wrong of me to leave, and
when I found out I was pregnant I had to come back.”

  My stomach churns as her words hit my heart. The situation after she left was bad, but now it’s even worse. I’m going to have a brother or sister, and Jake is the father. It can’t get much more Deliverance than this. We should be sitting on the Jerry show rather than standing in Jessie’s kitchen. It’s all kinds of messed up.

  “Mum, I’m 23 years of age now and old enough to live my life. I’m fed up with the way you change your mind from one man to the next. I’ve had enough. I’m done.”

  She looks visibly shocked. “Ana, please. I want to be able to speak with you without such anger in your tone of voice. Look, I know it’s your birthday—that’s why I’m here. I bought you a gift, look.”

  She hands me a little wrapped package. I refuse to take it. She places it on the side.

  “Maybe you can open it later, once you’ve calmed down a little.”

  “Nothing about this whole situation is very calming, Mum.” She looks at me again horrified.

  “Why are you so angry? It’s not like you haven’t been through this before. I came back, didn’t I? What’s the big deal?”

  I can’t believe her at times. “The big deal?!” I stutter. “How can you say it’s not a big deal? You fucked off, just like you always do. You left me behind without a word or nothing, and now you think you can just crawl back into my life and that’s it. Who do you think you are? You’ve messed up my life and now you’re determined to mess up Jake’s, as well as Matthew’s. Well all I can say is ‘Well done.’ I think you’ve achieved that no end.”

  I bite my tongue at my words. I probably went a little too far, but I couldn’t help it. I’ve never told mum how I feel and it’s about time I put my foot down and tell it like it is.

  “Why are you so bothered about Jake anyway? What’s the deal with you two?”

  My heart starts pounding and Jessie looks to me like she’s suddenly trying to think of a way to rescue me.

  “Nothing okay, I’m just upset with you.” She shakes her head obviously not amused by my answer. Then she dives in. I was completely unprepared for what she was about to say next.

  “Maybe Alan’s actions weren’t completely brought on by his own doing.”

  I gasp and visibly shake as I try to grab a hold of the kitchen counter. Jessie—seeing my reaction—orders my mum to get out of her house and never return. I cannot believe my own mother just said that. I can’t believe she doubted that the actions of Alan were never brought on by anything I ever did. It pains me that she thinks I led him on. I was only a child for fuck’s sake. How could she feel that way? I’m her daughter, someone she is supposed to love unconditionally.

  Jessie drags my mum out of the door, making sure she slams it right behind her. She then runs back to the kitchen, turns the stove off and leads me to the living room. My legs are like jelly. I don’t know how I make it there, but I somehow do, with Jessie’s support.

  “I think I know what happened with this Alan guy. Am I right?”

  I nod my head.

  “What a fucking bitch. How dare she.”

  I tell her the story about Alan and she listens without interrupting. She’s visibly shocked and extremely pissed at my mum for what she said.

  “Ana, you don’t need that shit in your life. Your mom sounds like poison to me and poison that’s deathly to you. I wouldn’t normally say this to people about their own mother, but I think you should keep your distance from her. She’s bad news and you’re old enough now to do without that kind of grief. Wow, I never knew a mom could be that evil.”

  The tears start and she pulls me to her, stroking my hair. She’s trying to comfort me and my heart feels lighter by her actions. She’s right of course. I’m now old enough to make my own decisions and I can decide to live without a mother if I wanted to. She never really was one anyway.

  “I know I’ve said this before, but I can stay if you want me to? I feel bad about missing your birthday.”

  “Honestly, Jessie, I’m fine. Michael called; he’s picking me up after eight, so I’m good.” She swings around and grabs her bag pulling out a little present.

  “I got this for you.” She pulls out the card she mentioned earlier and places it on the table.

  I frown as I don’t recognize the writing, but quickly turn my attention back to the present. I open it up to take a look, and I’m completely taken aback by what she’s got me.

  “Jessie, you little bitch, what am I supposed to do with this?” I’m laughing so hard now as I turn it on. It buzzes straight away in my hand.

  “Ana, if you need me to explain that to you, then there’s obviously something missing in your life. I just thought, you know, since you may be lonely in that room all by yourself, you might need some company. They’re not the same, but they help during the hard times, believe me.”

  I snort, “Well, thank you—I think. I’m on my period at the moment so that would be a bit messy.”

  “You know, funnily enough so am I, but I have condoms. That will be less messy. There are plenty in the nightstand if you need any for that big fella—or any live beating ones, if that’s what you want. You can’t beat the live beating ones.”

  She looks off in obvious thought. Thoughts I do not wish for her to go to in my presence. “Well I appreciate the gift, Jessie.”

  She rubs my shoulder and gets up from the sofa.

  “I’m just going to hop in the shower and get ready. You need anything? Are you good?”

  After Jessie’s present suddenly I am. It’s not the actual gift I like; it’s the thought behind it. It’s just Jessie all over.

  “I’m very good. I’ve got a great friend and another taking me to the movies later. Can’t get much better than that.” I smile, but there is still a hint of sadness in that smile. I never thought there would be life without Jake in it.

  “Well, I’ll hit the shower then. Oh and don’t forget your pasta.”

  She heads off and I make my way back to the kitchen. I spy the present on the side and I quickly pick it up and put it exactly where it belongs. In the bin. I give myself a triumphant pat on the back and make my way over to the kitchen cupboards to look for some sauce. I pop it in the microwave and drain the pasta.

  All is ready in no time, so I saunter into the living room and sit on the dining table. Jessie comes out with a towel wrapped around her head and she inhales deeply.

  “God that smells good. I’m really hungry already.”

  I pull my fork up to her. “You want some?”

  She shakes her head, “Nah, I’ve just brushed my teeth. Besides I want to keep my hunger ready for Jerry later. In all sense of the word.”

  I roll my eyes at her.

  “Don’t be jealous. You have Mr Brator to help you out later.”

  I look up to her and frown.

  “You know, first name, Vi.” She giggles and makes her way back to her room.

  She can be a little bugger at times, but I wouldn’t have her any other way. Jerry’s a lucky man to have her.

  Chapter 6

  I get myself ready for Michael, deciding to put on a simple tank top and jeans. I grab the earrings that Matthew bought for me and put them on, admiring the way they twinkle in the light. I pull out a cardigan I can wear for when it gets chilly, and make my way back to the living room. Jessie’s still in her room when the doorbell goes.

  “Ana, can you get that? It should be Jerry.”

  I shout back “okay,” and make my way to the door. I look through and see who must be Jerry.

  “Hi, you must be, Ana?”

  I nod my head and shake his hand. He has a nice black suit on with a blue tie. His hair is black and slicked back with perfectly aligned side burns. My, he does look like Tom Cruise. Way to go, Jessie!

  “I’ve heard so much about you. I’m glad we’ve finally met,” I say making our way into the living room.

  Unfortunately we never got round to meeting before. He was always so busy at work
—or Jake and I couldn’t make it out for one reason or another—so it never happened.

  “Me too,” Jerry answered. “You and Jessie seem very close friends and I know she feels very fondly of you.”

  “As I do her,” I smile. “She’s been my rock.” He smiles back happy with my answer and I gesture for him to make himself comfortable.

  “Jessie’s just in her room getting ready. She’ll be out in a minute. Do you want me to get you a drink of anything while you wait?”

  He shakes his head, “No, that’s fine; we have dinner reservations for seven, so we will need to get going soon. Thank you, anyway.”

  “Where are you taking her?”

  “I have a friend who owns a restaurant near McLean. I’m taking her there.”

  My heart constricts suddenly after hearing him mention McLean. This was my home until very recently. I try to fight a smile.

  “Sounds wonderful,” I say somewhat forlornly.

  Jessie then makes her appearance looking as stunning as ever with her auburn locks and beautiful royal blue dress. I spy Jerry and he’s every bit taking in her beauty. He’s smitten and it’s great to see that for Jessie’s sake.

  “Wow, babes, you look wonderful.”

  She blushes. I think that’s the first time I’ve seen Jessie blush. It’s lovely to see.

  “Thank you, Jerry. You don’t look bad yourself. I see you’ve finally met Ana now?”

  He nods and looks in my direction. “Yes, I’ve had the pleasure.”

  I return his smile as Jessie walks over to Jerry and gives him a deep kiss on the lips. I groan, “Oh God, please get a room.”

  She starts giggling in his mouth. “Oh, Ana, I intend to later, that’s for sure.”

  I bring my hands up to cover my eyes. “Right okay, I think you need to leave now. Have a great time and be good. Remember you have work tomorrow.”

  She looks at me scornfully, “Yes, Mom.”