Writings From a Young Soul
Part of the night
I think of you
The scent of you lingers
Every time I think of you
Away from me now
Closer than ever
Maybe it's because
Every time I think of you
I realize
Just how much you mean to me
Every time
September 1993
Background: I was thinking of an ex-girlfriend from my high school years. Though the love had faded, there were still only good memories of growing and learning together.
Random Thoughts
The fragrance of your hair
The spark in your eyes
Delicate complexity of your face
The sound of your laughter
Still lingers in the halls
Every so often
I feel your touch
Scary how much
You still live in my mind
Winter is always cold
As long as the memories of you
Prevail in my life
Never again seek shelter
September 1993
Background: I don't recall specifically what this was about. Perhaps about the girlfriend I had at the time. We've likely had that moment of "this is the one" only to have it shatter before the dawn sun can warm. This was me trying to recall good times. At the same time, those lessons learned have taught me to never seek shelter but walk away from that which cannot be remedied.
On My Knees
Those times I feel like giving up
That the pain is too hard to shut out
Perhaps this is the final leg of my journey
When all that seems fair and right today
Is scratched and gone tomorrow
Or ponder how I am doing poorly
When others are doing so well
Every day the tasks of blocking out
Forgetting the wrongs in my life
Take on a new form a new angle
Some day when I reflect on years gone by
Those memories will tear down these walls
So many treasures and tortures in my head
Amazing the tricks I have mastered
To only see treasures
I've not forgotten my tortures
How the hell to forgive wrongs by me
When belief in right is so strong
Recollection of those scars arise emotions
I swore off years past
Fooling me is not easy
Knowing what needs to be done
True the first step is hardest
Or so it is said
The one wish I have to be so bold
That one wish to me
Before my time runs out
Right all my wrongs
To forgive and be forgiven
Make one person's dreams come true
Better the world for my children
Guarantee when I pass on
To have those true to me
Be at my side
No existence for me
Without those souls
Who accompanied me on this incredible
Ride we call life
If my creator cannot accept this
Then I cannot accept my creator
To find out this to be a muse I would rather not exist
Many thoughts spawned in my head
Many not felt before
Size and complexity of this
This existence has me buckled
Where is the better half of my soul
I pray, pray for discovery so
I may start recovery
September 1993
Background: Until last year, I had not read this since it was written. This is much deeper than the words. While I cannot recall every emotion behind it, it rather shocked me. I don't have nor will I have children of my own. Reading this again after all these years brought me to tears. To some extent, this still holds a place in my life today; not sure why and how deep, but it's still there. I believe this to be my first step towards greater understanding of myself.
Corner Step
What are you thinking
As the glass touches your lips
Is that a look in your eyes
I want to see
Or is chaos leading me on
Where is the signal
A sign something to let me know
Whether what I want is mutual
No spoken words
A gesture a handshake a shared laugh
Good times together is all I want
To teach you all that is me
To absorb all that is you
Rare these days when I find
Someone who honestly understands
Me
With masonry built around
No wonder trust and respect are
Found only in books of past
Millions of souls too scared
To fix loneliness
A remedy to be found
Starts the quest
The corner step of yesteryear gone
Shelters him from the moon
One young soul weeping through the dusk
He desperately tries to decipher
All he can't
His faith is blind
His hands numb
And from that corner step
He scouts the morning
His head resting on his knees
Hands cover his ears to silence
To stifle the pounding that occupies
His thoughts
Before dark loses the claim to day
He wanders the curb
Knowing no destination
Maybe another corner and step
Noise and commotion shifts
Attention back to her
Legs crossed a smile parting her lips
What he'd do to make her dreams so bright so vivid
Motion pictures of the life he'd give her
Interrupted as eyes met to gaze inward
That look again more personal warmer
Can he trust his heart
Only a look only a look
What is to come of this
How could he let her pass by
Without a word not a word
He finds his step to claim
For the night
A young lonely soul trying to calm
The violent storm
To get along his way
That corner step where lonely souls go
Stands where it always has
Never out of sight
October 1993
Background: This one is hard to explain where it came from. The main and solid reference is actually based on a few lines in a song. There is also a jumble of something I saw on television as well as elements of casual observations. I didn't write this with any direction or a specific person in mind. It just happened. I find this to be one of my personal favorites as I still perch on my corner step every now and again to reflect, heal and dream. My dad picked up on this writing as some of these lines remind him of his father.
Untitled
Mysteries that hide deep in my mind
Contain all that I need to know
All that I've done
And all that has hurt me
The power of recall
Is frightening
My life cannot go on
Until these secrets are given up
By the schemes and games my mind
Has created
To protect me
There is something there
Something big
Day by day the memories bubble to
The surface to be released
Foul smelling clay-filled puddles to drain
Perhaps when time is due
This thing these things will one day
Become apparent
They will rise and challenge
My character that I am
I welcome the duel
I will
prevail
Nervousness has taken me over
I scare at the sound of a door
Feeling as if someone were behind me watching
One day I promise I will know
I may be dropped and tread upon
Maybe for some time
But I must know the deep secrets
These are my secrets and my mind
And I command my mind to let these
Secrets be known
It is time to live my life
Throw away the rubbish
Regain my soul
Regain control
Over what is mine
And what will always be sacred
For when the time comes
To share with the world
What I've gone through
I will be in control
And I will tell all
One day I will share what I've written
With that special person
I need to
For this is who I am
And who I want to be
A troubled soul wanting to be free
Of all the bad
I know you're out there
And I'm looking for you
Until the day we meet
October 1993
Background: This was trying to recall happenings that I may have forgotten and to true up some memories. Rather exploring as I wrote this one.
One Life
I woke up dreaming you were calling for me
In the darkness of this house
The spirit of your laughter
And the ghost of last night
Still wanders
Many of those weeks past, I called for you
As I lay in my darkened corner
Not thinking of the world but rather
Thinking the world of you
Of how much I miss you need you
The snake tempted them with the fruits of life
Who can say that what they did was wrong
I only know
What I don't understand
Visions of the invisible
Patrol my sanity
Creating
Tormenting my insanity
Until all that can is digested and converted
Into something less foreign
That I absorb as truth
Suffer we may we might we will
But one life to live
Let's make the most
Forgetting the least
Condemning the past
With you at my side
December 1993
Background: There are a few instances stirred together in this one. It is a combination of temptations and that morality will hopefully prevail in situations. Without morals, a person may wander around forever and never really find home.
What Do I Have To Do
Tonight the moon fascinates me
As I gaze out this tiny room
A single leaf starts the descent
Somehow in the dark it all makes sense
Though erotic are the sensations
I cannot allow this to grow
The image the essence of you
Is with me tonight
Tomorrow you'll be gone
And I'm supposed to go on living
Without you
When I offer all that I am
Accept who you are
And curse who you aren't
You leave me
The rain will hide
What I'm feeling inside
Until the dark clouds roll away
Oh God why can't you stay
December 24, 1993
Background: This was after the breakup of a trying relationship; the same one that prompted so many earlier writings. I was reflecting on that and future possibilities. The date of the writing is not really significant, but perhaps it is a day that should have been happier.
Thoughts
Though the storm is raging
And the streets are barren
A city that knows no slumber
Sleeps
In my arms and in my dreams
Cradled perhaps too much are
Notions of magic and sorcery
Healing
Afternoons spent lazily studying
Verses condemning our sins
Feeding our passions upon
Truths yet to be contested
Realize in this imperfect world
Answers are a luxury
And that the unknown should not be feared
But rather these obscurities deserve all
That is unique
To note the positives
And crush rebellion of malice
To this a sacred coup
Has fallen
To a beaming in the sky
For tonight
We shall abide
February 1994
Background: After the storm of previous years, a small clearing appeared. This was an attempt to once again dilute those bad memories. Only time proved to be the remedy; not a complete remedy, but writing it down has helped tremendously and continues to do so. Choose your way of digesting the past hurts and if it works, stay with it. Release those inner ghosts and demons in some way that allows you to reach a fulfilling life.
The Next Step
A clean hand in a swirling stream
Tiny pebbles lost to the dream
As the comet stains the sky
You never ask yourself why
Gather 'round
Does not matter to the heavens
Or to the commons
Whether we are to love or be loved
Too mortal to concede
What our feelings mean
To figure out the truth
Bind we must to the past
Forecasting the future's last
Of what may be to cast
3/9/1994
Background: Coming out of the gloom and finally seeing shimmering rays of hope. Trying to heal from the maelstrom of the past and again looking forward with confidence. It must have worked to some extent as we enter a large gap of time where I wrote nothing. My spiral notebook was where I had turned to until this time. With computers becoming more a part of my writing, perhaps some of my writings were simply lost.
Time Gap 1994-2000: Many things happened during these years yet nothing was written. I think that was because my notebook was hidden away in a storage box. I had moved a few times during this period and left many of my belongings in boxes. It was like meeting a friend after years of no contact when I found it again. So many memories and emotions were rediscovered. However, I did find the following tucked away in my desk and can only assume it was written around this time. It was typed, which is rare for me, but I owned a typewriter during this time. I had not read this since written… until I discovered it while working on this book in 2012. I won't edit it at all from the original. In fact, I rarely edit what I write; maybe change a word or two, but most of what you read is unedited or not revised. Why edit these raw thoughts and emotions? Perhaps some could be polished up a bit...but again, some innocence and beauty is lost each time an edit happens.
Untitled
If there were to be an answer to this time
Perhaps the blood smears would not stain
And the ships sailed before would not survive
For the castles of mist are not steady here
Darkness today is not a stranger
Nor the silence that greets my memory
Because the sky knows me not
I tell all souls for what I stand
Hot rains drown but the tallest and strongest
As my chest is weighed full of thoughts
I will not refuse the turmoil
Surrender shows not a hint
Along the path carved in rock
We must all stop to enjoy
Fields of the richest colors
Provide shelter from the winds
In the deepest part of me
I cannot part from
What is me
All that I am
Under those metaphors lighted from within
There is but a glimpse of the beauty
Of all that remains from what is happening
But soaring overhead is a sign that all will be right
Because the roots of the old tree
Are well grown and strong
I know we shall survive
Date unknown
Background: As stated above, I have little recollection of this and what it was about. Just one of those days I guess.
What if I Told You
The sunset looms above tonight
How much longer can this go unsaid
What if I told you all that is me
All that I want
Would it make the difference
Or matter not
For the times that I am shallow
All those words tend to follow
What if I told you that you make the rain go away
That I can see horizons never seen
They cannot touch what they don't know
What if I told you
What if I told you the world seems colder barren
Without you here
What if I told you I need you with me
And what if I told you I love you
Would you believe it feel it
What if I told you told you
I long for you
Want to be with you
I want to share it all with you
Live for you and die for you
You mean too much to me
What if I told you
July 3, 2000
Background: A completely faithful person may be difficult to find. She (or he) exist; but may be hidden in some of the most unusual places. I wonder if I had just told her what is written above if it would have mattered. Thinking of it all again can bring a single tear; but life has turned out for the better after departing that scenario.
Time Gap 2000-2012: I moved from Iowa to Tennessee and started a new life, as much as feasibly possible. My new job demanded a lot of time and I took a break from writing. My notebook was hidden away because of the recent move; but I found it a year or so later. So, I shared writings with a few people during this time and received some wonderful comments. I always wanted to collect my writings and put them in order, then share them. The latter part of 2011 through 2013, I posted writings online, and have received many compliments. Those people who commented are numerous and their encouragement is truly appreciated. Thank you for the inspiration.
You Surround Me
Up at dawn
The rays of light
Dance on my walls
Though you aren't here
You surround me
For all those times
I never called
Never showed you how
To love me
You surround me
You surround me when I'm down
You surround me all night
You still amaze me
When you surround me
For the dusk
Brings to us
A time to heal
To move on
Beyond and get strong
For those times
We didn't talk
No clue where to go
For your love
You surround me
You surround me when I'm blue
You surround me when you are gone
You always amaze me
When you surround me
January 9, 2012
Background: This is a mix of everything and about no one specifically. There is an influence here, though. And it's in a way that is hard to explain. The emotions shared and the occasional glare of what is an unknown, coupled with general thought...this was born. This is another attempt at writing a song, but no idea how to put this to music. The song would be performed in the country music style; as I vaguely hear it in my head.
Now I See
Meeting in our sacred place
Whispers from you leave a trace
On my very being that makes me
There must be something better a new way
Eyes closed but can feel the warmth
Of your soul and enchanting ways
That lights my path to real freedom
And understanding of what we dream
Now I see changing
I can see you loved me
For those cold nights left alone
You shelter me in your thoughts
Bitter drafts of forgetfulness
Never seem to regress
Despite my cries of anguish
That screams through the night
Wander in plantings of evil
To stumble on coverings of good
And all that is pure and honest
Only to face a wall of pain
Now I see harmony
My eyes too deaf to hear
The climb of what to desire
Is strewn with remnants of love
Now I see between us
Moments of distrust dissolve
Erode and shape in to all that can be
For not if us who will it be
Ripples from beams of light
Shape that you are
And now I see without the haze
Your silhouette occupies my mind
Now I see
Now I see why
Now I see purpose and
Meaning never realized
Now I see
July 28, 2012
Background: It hit me one night. There are specific reasons behind this but it's a combination that makes no logical sense. Once you get to know more about people as individuals and compare their lives with your own life, you can see so much more.
Cross on My Door
Two years ago
You left me for the last time
The void of my soul and
My heart yet to mend
Seek to understand
How a higher calling
Of life can tear you away
From me
The cross on my door
Is the final and last
Tribute I have of you
A father not perfect but you were mine
That cross will always
Remind me of your laugh
The echo of your songs
Resonate from that cross on my door
At night I know you watch over me
Know that you cared
One day the heavens will welcome me
To walk as it was meant to be
With you at my side
No pain and no shame
To walk with you again
With my Daddy
The cross on my door
Will never be taken down
In silence and chaos
I know you are with me
July 28, 2012
Background: Losing one’s father is not easy and I have not been through that awful experience. Be true to yourself; never give up on who you are and what is important to you. That cross will never come down, and one day I'll pay my respects to this one. As it turns out, I paid my humble respects to that very cross two months later.
Only I Can See You
Distance is frightening day after dawn
Sheets of silk are tangled without you
Shuffles of feet and imagination lost again
Those to the exterior likely never understand
Cannot comprehend nor see what is before me
Streams of my desire only shallow
To not be one as you fly to create and discover
Only I can see you
Searching the cupboards of finite thoughts
Reaching for the highest but cannot achieve
Not a failure lest a reminder striving for more
Will of many focus thoughts on long gone turmoil
Only I can see you
For whom you are and aspir
e to become
During nights of hidden storms I can feel you
Feel how blind the others are to beauty
As the rains pour over me in moments of innocence
Forces not explored filter to the surface
No sense in this snapshot of time
Minutes of reality click steadily to drown out
My every word never spoken
Leaves on my deck fallen and broken
To meet the fate of consumption
That hideously gnaws at our very existence
For all that may be and will regenerate I know
Only I can see you
While blinded by your perseverance
Bridges not crossed seem impassible now
Ignore trusses and posts that face you
Only I can see you how you're meant to be
Only I can see
If only you could see you
August 1, 2012
Background: We all know a person who does not realize who they truly are. At times, it takes just one person to convey how others experience us. We have at least one person that sees us like no one else. There is a person or persons that can peer through it all and discover the soul behind the face of each of us. One day, I was walking out of a shipping company and met a woman struggling with a big box. I smiled at her. She avoided eye contact and passed on by. I turned around and asked, "Do you need help?" Her face lit up with a huge smile as she turned to me. She said, "Oh, my gosh; you are so nice to ask, no thanks though!" I think I could see her smile wrapped around to the back of her head as she walked away. Think about it for a minute if you don't fully realize why that story fits here. While the story is simple, the underlying message is much more broad and deep.
I Hope You Lied
Scattered around me are thoughts and dreams
Dashed to rubbish in a single sentence
One that wounds the strongest of men
My desire to touch the simple beauty of love
Now gone and relegated to gray ash that smothers
Your words sampled the marrow of my being
Thinking of all that has never been nor will ever be
Stubs of fingers try to grasp the slick notion of you
Ah the samples of air point me down deeply
Towards the cool depths of your caverns of discovery
Said to me were words of distrust disgust
Laying blame worthy of a demigod that burns
Over your left shoulder you glance and spout
Syllables never meant to be heard
I hope you lied
Conquering my missteps of silent agony
Gleams of sun only disguise what is before me
Crash to my knees and hope for freedom
From this pain
Please be lying to me now
Stances of your posture lead to enlightenment
They don't shield your thoughts or hatred from your lips
Struggle to comprehend all that we cannot mend
It is permeated into me that we should never be
I hope you lied
Piles from trees fallen this season hide your true nature
One of a sense of being not right and not proper
Alter the common with threads of contentment
Around the corner towards truth and peace
I know you lied
Visions of your lies are all but true
I hoped you lied
August 13, 2012
Background: This is a mix of every dimension that we may all encounter. Overall, we know words are cast that we regret. Sometimes we want the truth and at times we hope those words spoken to us are lies. Occasionally, I wished that words spoken to me in anger were all lies.
Know That Road
Gravel beneath my feet fails to support
My journey toward a sun which welcomes
That surrounds my compass of what is mine
Gazing left and then right not sure which
Will lead me to graze on fruits of plenty
Forgive my innocence of real beauty ruined
Treks over shattered pulp and vines
To show perhaps all is not well
Illuminate creatures in rafters of contempt
Whispers in the roots of cloaked mentality
Push on to me a blemish of warped pictures
As we all know we know
Know that road
Strive though not welcome
Circle my linear waves of redemption
Known is not the road
Mountain tops study my every grasp
Hints of mint and coriander
Fragrance the mists of the shallows
While clouds of lightning speak their objection
We need to know that road
Drop the edgy steel instruments and rhetoric
Believe if not only for a single and brief moment
Others do want and need to wander upon a place
Where we all
Know that road
August 13, 2012
Background: A road we all know but absorb differently, through our own perceptions. We all want to travel down the same road; the road of peace and love. How things can be made pretty if looked at through a prism with multiple facets. Perhaps empathy is this word. I may not agree with everything about a person, but empathizing allows one to understand more. This one seems rather unfinished to me and should likely be redone; but just as others, I will leave it to see if it connects with some.
Cross the Skies
Cross the skies to a landing
Of no disbelief pain or cowardice
Linger not crumbs of all passed
Let the stains remain in glass
Putrid and oiled demons do not dare
Once the pores of your light are seen
And shared with masses of care
They will not cross the sky
Hunker when needed against foul breezes
Your ways of being you unfold
Raise a hand to block which destroys and withers
Once again find nourishment amongst ruins
Pebbles of disgust have yet to settle
Upon the very source from where they fostered
If it all comes around as it will
You will cross the skies
Plains of scalded hill with beauty untold
Belittle one of their pride
The heavens above seem to relate
Never let go of what we are
Not let innards of virgin beauty lose their point
Between us all as we
Cross the skies
August 13, 2012
Background: This is tied to "The Cross" in some ways. It is also about erecting a barrier to harmful forces. Block the bad, leaving only the good. Many things and emotions cross our skies. There is a loose church reference as well, regarding the stained glass. The colors of the glass absorb the bad and block negative influences from the outside. Another way to view it is to believe that the glass is colored because it pulls out all the bad, thereby staining the glass. Even if a person does not attend church, you have or should have a zone of safety to purge you of hurt. Where you lay your hat of pain should be surrounded by comfort and true beauty. This background really shows how any of my writings can be interpreted; read it as you feel it.
Getting Through
Besides the countless times of never
While the focus was on others
Nondescript shades through banter
Tiny fragment has grown to know all
Head shakes of dismay and confusion
Wrapped up in ghostly breaths in a strange glow
Does it feed or does it breed to grow
Now you know and struggle to remain
Thunderous clouds reverberate from the butte
Some fog remains to cover the simple
Yet you go about your day to fulfill foreign thoughts
Company in front of visuals and digitals
r /> Align to meet
Where we all go
In depths of darkness
To find no claim
I'm starting to get through
To you
These poster boards of doubt crumble
As I'm starting to get through
To you
Following what has passed but is not you
Determine and fight through
Times will try hardened of understanding
I'm starting to get through
To you
Get through to me
And I see amazement of you
Waves splash and it reminds me
How I got through
To you
August 15, 2012
Background: Despite all that is confusing, we know when we break through to that special person. This started with the root of "I'm starting to get through to you." It was one of those times when a phrase came out of nowhere.
I Sacrifice
Look up beyond where Mars meets Venus
Past trees hills and valley tops
Stare with no focus on what could be done
Turbulent clusters of seed find no way home
Rows of contentment cast in plaster
Have no place here for willing
Uttering from shiny discs pay little mind
Smell of tea tree is abundant
Here in a dwarfed hut I call home
Just to embrace you the first time
Negate what others say
Weeds of sea and marine hold fathoms
Expanses not yet on the prairie
And yet
I sacrifice
Nervous tapping of toes
Some special nod
The essence of unknown
Circulates here
And I know I know
Repent and repent all day
Away from you these go
They will visit and knock on another's door
I sacrifice
To float souls of others
Those broken lost and homeless
Visit a palace of untarnished wonder
The eraser of memories
Impotent here meaningless
Index those unknown thoughts
You will realize why
Why I
Sacrifice
August 31, 2012
Background: Such a mix of what the future holds and what the past has presented to me. Overall, this is a reflection of my foot prints so far. Grasp the tiller and pilot your own future as you see fit; but know that the wake of your actions will ripple and affect others. Your course ahead displaces and likely will push some aside as well as attract others.
Cold Bold Glory
Your haste leads too much waste
Of those around who simply smile
In darkness passing by
Fowl nest in empty pots of ceramic
The cold bold glory you portray
Is degraded and tainted by hideous
Mysteries that have not been told
To this day
Unlock those deep hurried distrusts
That defines who you are today
Release nights of forbidden
Meetings under sheets of satin
That you feel defines your being
Comfort not always around
As you reach out to learn to grow
Bite your tongue no longer
Show cold bold glory
For us to see and be amazed
For whom you are
Those tracks made on the beach
No longer a trace
Just a memory faded by time and seas
Be true and those footsteps never vanish
So many years a clown with a crow
Overhead ever circling
Running away from time lost again
To be confronted by clear sky above
No more clowns no more crows cackling
Your cold bold glory
Heals and expels hatred so you
May find balance as your head bobs above water
Perhaps the last time you struggle to find
Your own
Cold bold glory
September 8, 2012
Background: The phrase just popped in to my gray matter one night. These are present-day thoughts mixed with the past and future. Cold bold glory can mean different things to people. There are moments that are hurtful, embarrassing and otherwise unwanted which keep appearing in my conscience but are fading quickly. It is also about those who believe they are nothing special or lack any sort of talent. We all have good in us...release all that is you. Be cold to block out bad criticism and thoughts; but be bold to share all that you are, and move forward full of glory.
The Burden of You
Months of recognition not true
Led on by beauty of you
In my blue eyes it seemed
All thoughts I imagined in me
Swarming ideas materialized
Vaporized and lowly disgust
Charm and innocent quality
How hollow those traits cause casualties
The burden of you I've ridden
Cast it out to creatures that devour
Feeding on those who carve control
Grasps of survival lead you away
I cannot survive your struggle
Haunting noon of impeccable duality
Tunnel towards a mirror image of you
Never satisfied no harbor of faith
Mistakes of mine pale to striking
Differences in opinion
I adore
The burden of you
Is gone
September 11, 2012
Background: This is a combination of many thoughts at the time. It hurts when it ends or is masked by anger. No hatred, no animosity any longer. I feel sorrow for those souls and people as heads crash together with goals of domination. Yes, there is a difference between people and souls. This is also about a career change. The burden of all that entails some jobs is just too much on a person who has a different outlook on what is important. This is me letting go of lots of different burdens. Do what makes you happy, fulfills you and others. Recognition and money mean little once a critical, internal discussion is held.
Casey
You came home fourteen years ago
Taught you yes from no
You made bad things go away
At times had little to say
The best of you in my soul
But for you I would not be whole
I see you go to dream the last time
Least I know where you've gone
Now I realize it's the day you die
Tears don't dry from these weary eyes
No I'll not forget you
Someday we'll see through
When dark clouds scatter to none
You by my side
Smilin' again
Oh Casey go on
Without you I won't be so strong
Till that day we play again