What Hurts The Most

  Chapter Six

  For the next few days, I decided to get out of the house. I went to visit Heather and even done a little shopping. Logan thought I was acting weird and has been watching me extra close ever since I came back from the bridge. I didn’t tell him about the experience, actually I didn’t tell him anything. “Are you feeling okay?” He asks as I begin to fix our lunch.

  “Yeah, why?” I ask and smile.

  “I don’t know… It just seems like you’ve been really happy and calm for the past few days. Like you don’t have a care in the world.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I add and set his sandwich down in front of him. He looks at it and then back to me. “Okay, have I been here long enough for you to trust me?” I look at him, partially shocked.

  “Of course, I trust you. I don’t let just anybody hang around my house all day.”

  “Then I expect you to be honest with me. Why did you run off into the woods and what did you see?” Dang, he was good…

  “I already told you. I wanted some alone time and I didn’t see anything.”

  He continued to stare me down, which meant, he didn’t buy it. “What I don’t understand is that you just randomly decide to get up one morning at five AM and run off into the woods. That was dangerous and you wouldn’t even tell me where you were!”

  I didn’t understand why he was so angry with me… He found me, it’s not like I was directly in harm’s way…“Fine. I’ll tell you just so you can make fun of me and tell the General how mentally unstable I am and all that junk! When I went to bed that night, I had a nightmare. I kept waking up in a panic and every time I tried to go back to sleep, I would see the same thing.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?” He asks.

  “Just let me finish.” I add. “Nick was in a burning building with a child. I was there and he kept trying to tell me something but all I could understand was ‘the bridge’. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget about it and I had this really weird feeling that I needed to go to the bridge. So, when the sun started to come up, I took off. I had only been there once, when Nick proposed, and I couldn’t really remember where I was going. But I kept talking to myself and I was guided all the way there. Now, go ahead and tell me how stupid I am.”

  To my surprise, he didn’t laugh. “You’re not stupid. Honestly, I would have done the same thing if it happened to me. But why didn’t you call me? I would have went with you and I wouldn’t have judged.”

  I shrug. “I don’t know… I just wanted to go alone.”

  “This is my last question, then we can just drop it, okay?” I nod. “What happened when you got to the bridge?” He asks.

  I was afraid that would come up.

  “I felt calm. I wasn’t sad or anything… I was just…”

  “At peace?” He asks.

  I nod. “Yeah… I kind of talked aloud for a while and I got some responses…”

  “What?” He asks confused.

  “Come on, I’ll show you.” I lead him outside into the backyard. “Watch.” I turned to the sky and said, “Nick, I would like to show Logan that I’m not crazy. Are you here?”

  The wind blows.

  “See?”

  “No offense, Caroline, but the wind blows a lot…”

  I roll my eyes. “Fine. Nick, let’s show him. I know it’s you, I just do. Now, let’s start what we started the other day. One blow is yes, two is no. Agreed?”

  One blow.

  “Okay, Logan ask him something.”

  He hesitated but eventually did. “Are you really Nick?”

  One blow.

  “Are you happy I’m here?”

  One strong, blow.

  “Ask him something so that you know it’s really him,” I add.

  “If you could repeat what happened the day you died… Would you do anything different?”

  Two blows.

  Logan smiles a bit. “It’s really you, bud…” He whispers.

  “Thank you, Nick,” I add as we walk back into the house.

  “That really just happened…” Logan says, sitting down on a bar stool.

  “Yes and now you know I’m not crazy.”

  He shrugs. “If you are, so am I.”

  Just then, the doorbell rings. I go to answer it.

  “General?” I ask, surprised.

  “Ms. Woods, nice to see you again.”

  “Come in,” I add and call for Logan.

  “What?” He asks, coming around the corner. “General? What are you doing here, sir?” He asks as he salutes him.

  “Well, I came to check up on you. I called some of Caroline’s family and friends yesterday and they told me that she had been doing very well and they think it’s time for her to move on with her life.”

  “What?” I ask.

  “I do a routine call to members of the widow’s family throughout a grief counselor’s stay. Just to make sure everything is running smoothly and such. Once I receive a good report, the grief counselor’s duties are relieved.”

  “You mean Logan has to leave?” I ask, softly.

  “Now Ms. Woods, I can already tell you’ve made quite the friendship with Lieutenant Cook, but there comes a time where he must return to his job.”

  “But why now? I mean, you said they stay for a few months? Logan’s only been here a couple weeks.”

  “A few months is the longest they can stay in extreme cases. However, you seem to be doing well and I agree with your family. You need to move on and the longer he stays, the more you’re reminded of Nick. You’ll only become more attached to Logan.”

  I look to Logan but he doesn’t make eye contact.

  “When do I leave?” He asks.

  “First thing tomorrow morning. I will be staying in your room at the hotel, then we will come here and you will be relieved. Now, my flight was terribly long and I’m very tired. My sincerest apologies, Miss Woods. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He adds and leaves. I shut the door and just stand there.

  “Why didn’t you tell him?” I whisper.

  “Tell him what?”

  “That you needed to stay longer. That I wasn’t ready to be alone.”

  “It doesn’t matter what I say, he’s the boss. And once his mind is made up, there’s no changing it. Besides, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal… We both knew it was coming.”

  “No big deal? How could you say that?”

  He seemed a little shocked at the way I was acting. “Caroline, I don’t really do anything… I just follow you around all day. Most people hate it, ya know? This stranger is with them all the time and there’s nothing they can do about it. I can usually tell when it’s time for me to go but with you, I can’t. You don’t show emotions well.”

  “Yes, Logan, I believe we accomplished that a long time ago... But ever since the funeral, you’re really the only one I can talk to. I don’t feel like I have to be defensive around you… You just listen without judging me… Like Nick used to do…”

  “Caroline, I know where this is going, and you have to understand that Nick is gone. I’ll never be Nick. I’m not even close. No one will ever replace him.”

  “Replace? You think that’s what I’m trying to do? I was so lucky when I met him. I’ll never get that again, and I’ve dealt with that. What I meant is that you’re the only friend I’ve had that understands me. When I don’t want to talk, you don’t push me. When I lock myself in my room, you know when to leave me alone. You follow the ground rules and act like gentleman. You don’t push my buttons like everyone else. Logan, I don’t want to stay here by myself. I don’t want to be alone.”

  He doesn’t say anything. He just walks over to me and gives me a hug. It feels a little awkward at first, since we’ve never made any contact before, but within a second, I feel comforted. “I’ll tell ya what I’ll do.” He says and pulls away. “I’m going to run back to the hotel and talk to the General. I won’t promise you anything, but I’ll do my best.”


  I nod, “Thank you.”

  “I’ll be right back.” He adds and leaves the house.

  Oh please, dear God… I can’t handle this on my own…

  I need someone who understands me…

  I need a friend.

  I need him.

  Logan’s Point of View

  I quickly drove to the hotel and went up to my room. I had to convince the General to let me stay. She really needed me… I unlocked the door and walked in. He was standing by his suitcase when he turned to me. “Lieutenant? You’re not supposed to be here until eleven?”

  “It’s urgent, I need to speak with you, sir.” I add as he sighs.

  “Okay, take a seat.” He says as we both sit down on the couch. “Now, what’s so urgent?”

  “I can’t leave yet.”

  “What? Of course, you can, you have to.”

  “No, sir, I can’t leave her like this. She needs-”

  “Like this?”

  “I’ve only been here a few weeks but I’ve really gotten to know her. She’s so sweet but she has some major issues that no one else sees. She isn’t close to her family, Nick’s family doesn’t have anything to do with her, and she doesn’t really have friends. Sir, she’s all alone and I don’t want to leave her right now.”

  “Logan, I gave you this assignment because I thought you were the best for the job. You don’t get attached to people. But you’ve done the exact opposite with this. You’ve become attached.”

  “I won’t disagree with that statement, but you know Nick and I were very good friends. He wanted me to take care of her and I have to see that she’s okay before I can leave. I owe him that. Sir, the army owes him that.”

  He hesitates before responding. “I don’t want to be the bad guy, Logan. But I too have a boss and he says that you need to get back to work. He wants to promote you to Captain. Now, does she mean enough to you for you to turn down that position?”

  My mind is completely scrambled. “I-I don’t know…”

  “Take some time to think. But your decision should be made by the time I arrive tomorrow morning.”

  I nod and leave the hotel.

  Captain Logan Cook…

  Something I’ve always wanted to hear, but I’m just not sure…

  I park the car and walk up on the porch. Caroline opens the door and I go inside.

  “So?” She asks.

  “The reason he wants me to leave is because I’m being promoted…”

  Her face lights up. “Oh, that’s great! So what’s your new title?”

  “If I take it, Captain.”

  “What do you mean if?”

  I sigh, not wanting to tell her. “If I take it, I have to leave, Caroline.”

  She goes silent and looks at the floor. “I understand, Logan… It’s your career and-”

  “Hey, hey, hey, I haven’t agreed to anything yet. I’m not sure if I want it.”

  She looks at me as if I’d lost my mind. “Want it? What does that mean? Of course you do! Anybody would! Don’t let me hold you back here, you need to worry about your life, not mine.”

  “Actually, I do. I promised Nick I would see that you were taken care of and I meant it. I don’t care what the General says, you are my number one priority. No one ever needed me before and I like that feeling… I don’t feel nonexistent.”

  “I just don’t want to think that I caused you not to accept…” She adds.

  “I promise that once I make the decision, it’ll be all me.”

  She nods and looks around nervously. “Well, you can go back to the hotel early if you want… You know, to make your decision…” She adds.

  “No, I’m still your grief counselor and my job hasn’t been relieved.”

  She smiles. “Okay then. I think you’ve had a pretty rough day, so I think it’s time you try one of my famous homemade peanut butter milkshakes.”

  “Famous, huh?” I ask.

  “Oh, yeah, well at least to people around here.” She laughs as I follow her into the kitchen.

  How on earth am I going to make this decision? She’s so happy when I’m here and I’m afraid if I leave, I may not ever see her again…

  What would happen to her? What would happen to me?