The Beast Within

  No!

  I shot to my feet, tipping the glass over in my haste. The crystal cracked as the blood inside of it spilled over the tabletop. Halina and Teren jumped to their feet as well, but all I could focus on was the ever-expanding pool of deep, red blood. A need-filled rumble erupted from my chest as Nika slowly rose beside me. She placed her other hand over mine, subtly prying my fingers loose, and it was only then that I realized we were still holding hands, and I was squeezing her palm tightly, probably hurting her.

  I blinked out of my trance as guilt pummeled me. Releasing her, I scrambled over the back of the couch, eager to get as much distance from the blood as I could. All eyes followed me as I pressed my back against the wall. Halina moved toward me, and I held my hands up to stop her. “Please, don’t.”

  Trying to ignore the hollow ache in my soul, an ache that was quickly filling with disgust, I said, “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, I just…can’t.” I scanned the room full of disappointed and distrustful faces. “I know what you’re all trying to do for me. You’ve taken me in…when nobody else would.” My eyes settled on Nika’s. Hers were watery as she watched me struggle with the necessity of life that I was denying myself. Meaning much more than just blood, I held her gaze and told her, “But I can’t do this.”

  Her brow bunched in confusion, like she didn’t understand my sudden mood shift, and I supposed she wouldn’t. I’d been very misleading today. “Hunter?” she asked, extending her hand to me.

  I sighed as I stared at what she was offering me. In truth, I wanted her hand, her love, as badly as I wanted to drink the blood pooling over the tabletop, but I wouldn’t let myself be a dickhead monster any more than I would willingly become a vampiric monster. Seeing her emotions on her sleeve, her eyes begging me not to reject her, tore me to pieces, but I knew I had to do it anyway, for both our sakes. She was too attached to me. I was too attached to her.

  Bringing my hands to my sides, I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Nika, I can’t do this either.”

  Her hand dropped from the air like it weighed a thousand pounds. “What?”

  Unable to keep looking at the torment in her eyes, I averted mine. “What happened earlier today, shouldn’t have happened. I had a weak moment. It won’t happen again.”

  Her father immediately asked, “What happened earlier today?”

  Ignoring him, since Nika was my main concern, I stepped as close to the couch as I would allow myself. Feeling like I’d aged a thousand years in the span of a day, I told her, “I care about you, I do, but we’re not meant to be together. I don’t want to hurt you by letting you believe there’s a future here. There isn’t.” In a whisper, I added, “I don’t think there ever was.”

  I could tell that every word I was saying was a blade slicing off sections of her shredded heart. I hated myself even more for letting it get this far. I never should have returned. I never should have let her kiss me. I never should have kissed her back.

  With tears in her eyes, she shook her head and lifted her chin. “You don’t mean that, you’re just going through a rough time. I know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you.” Glancing around the room, she lowered her voice, “I felt that when we kissed.”

  Teren started to take a step toward me, but his wife grabbed his arm. Nika’s words sliced me as surely as mine had sliced her, and I turned my face from her. “Like I said, I care about you. I…I lost control for a moment.” Thinking of the hopeless life she’d have with me, thinking of my secret plan of escape, I strengthened my resolve, and shifted my gaze back to her. “But I’m not the right person for you. I’m not who you should be with.”

  Her jaw started to tremble, and I knew I needed to leave. If she cried, if she fell apart, the desire to sweep her into my arms would be too much. I wouldn’t survive it. I’d cave, and pledge my undying love and devotion to her. Needing to hide from her as much as the blood, I started walking back to the doorway leading to my room. She blurred in front of me, blocking my path. “Shouldn’t I decide who the right person for me is?”

  Her spirit made my lip turn up into a small smile, but it instantly faded as our impossible realities crashed around me. “If I leave it up to you, I know you’ll choose wrong.” Leaning in close, so close I could smell the warmth of her skin, I whispered, “I don’t love you like you love me. I can’t. So, I won’t let you choose me.” Straightening, I made myself look into her watery eyes, at the destruction I had just created. Then I finished tearing out her heart. And my own. “I don’t need you to save me, Nika. Just let me go.”

  Looking too stunned to do anything else, she stepped aside and let me walk around her to my escape. When I was gone from her sight, I heard a choking sob escape her. I couldn’t listen to it. The wound I had just given myself was too raw, it hurt too much. Using up what little energy I had left, I ran toward the soundproof doors. Slamming them shut behind me, I sank to the floor and dropped my head to my knees.

  God, I really was a monster. I didn’t love her as much as she loved me? What a laughable joke that was. It was me I didn’t love. Nika…was perfect. But I needed to push her away, and claiming I didn’t feel for her like she felt for me was the easiest way to do that. And now I hated myself even more.

  I felt Halina coming and thought to run even farther, but my legs refused to carry me. I was down, and I wasn’t getting back up for a very long time. Halina slowed as she approached the soundproof doors. Knowing she was about to enter, I sat up straight, leaned my head against the wall, and pulled my knees into my chest. I could at least pretend I wasn’t losing it.

  The door cracked open slowly like she didn’t want to spook me. Arguing assaulted my tender ears. Nika was telling her parents that I was depressed, that I didn’t mean anything I’d just said. Her parents were saying it didn’t matter…they were going home. I sighed as I slumped against the wall. What a mess I’d made.

  “I’m not depressed,” I told her, once she shut the door and blocked out the sound of people bickering.

  Halina dropped to her knees in front of me. “I wish I could believe you.” She laid her hand on my arm. “I know you probably won’t believe this, but I went through something similar after my conversion. Granted, it didn’t last nearly as long as what you’re going through. Or should I say, what you’re putting yourself through.”

  Sniffing, I ignored her implication that all this turmoil was my own fault. I looked away. “And how did you get through it?” I risked a look back at her. “Start killing everything in your path?”

  She smirked, dark humor in her crystal eyes. “I had a child who depended on me to be strong, to survive. Not eating was never an option. But I found something that helped me overcome my misguided conscience.”

  Knowing she was going to tell me that love could set me free, or something equally flowery, I gritted my teeth. “Let me guess…love saved your life?”

  The humor in her face completely faded as her expression turned chilly. “No. Hate saved my life. I held on to the hatred of what was done to me, of what was done to my child, of what was done to my husband. That was what got me through the dark times. That was what kept me sane, kept me focused, allowed me to stay strong.”

  She stared at me coolly, for once completely compassionless. Surprise washed through me. “Do you want me to hate you, like you hated your creator?”

  Tilting her head, her dark hair flowing over her shoulder, she calmly stated, “I’ll be that for you, if you need me to be, if that will keep you alive, but truly…” Her cold mask evaporated into the worried mother that I knew her to be. “…am I really the one to blame for what you are? Am I really the one you should hate?”

  I knew who she meant—my father—and I did see the point in her question; I just wasn’t sure if I was capable of hating him. He was my father. He’d shaped me into the person I was. He’d raised my sister and me on his own after Mom had passed away. He’d loved me. And he’d also forced this abhorrence upon me, and then abandoned me. For a
ll the positives he’d given me, I knew I couldn’t overlook that mountainous negative. He’d betrayed me. And I did hate him for that.

  MY SISTER HAD started out the day in a much better mood than she’d been in lately. I’d noticed it immediately when I’d woken up; she was practically glowing as she sat on the couch in the living room, staring out the window. When I’d asked her why, she’d only responded that she loved it here at the ranch. I’d bought that about as much as I bought it when Trey told me he was sober. I’d started to ask her more, but she’d tossed a pointed glance at Mom and Dad and I’d fully understood—Not here, you idiot…I don’t want our parents to know.

  I figured it had to do with Hunter. I’d groaned in protest when she’d volunteered us to help the ranch hands for the afternoon, but I’d been too curious about what was going on to say no. She’d confessed about her rendezvous with Hunter while we’d been slugging through the fields, checking the health of the cattle with Peter Alton and his team. Peter hadn’t even batted an eye when Nika and I had knocked on his door and offered to help him for the day. He was used to strange things when it came to our family, and he never questioned anything. That was a major reason why he still ran the crew after all these years.

  Nika had gushed—and I mean gushed—about Hunter the entire time we’d been working. I was thankful when Dad had retrieved us for dinner. One, so I could get out of the muddy, poop-filled pastures, and two, so Nika would stop telling me how wonderful her sort-of boyfriend was. But I would have rather listened to her go on about him for another sodden afternoon, than feel her heart being removed from her chest and ripped into thousands of tiny pieces. Again. Hunter was no prince. Hunter was an asshole.

  Nika was devastated as she stared at the space where Hunter had been standing just seconds ago. Her grief was swelling, slowly crushing her from the inside out. I rushed to her side, to lend her support in case her body gave out on her. She didn’t move when I grabbed her hand; she just kept gazing at the empty space and breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. Her eyes were brimming, ready to pool over.

  “Nick,” I whispered, squeezing her hand. She turned to look at me and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry.” I didn’t need to say it, since she could feel it, but I wanted to verbally acknowledge her pain.

  Nika swallowed and nodded, and I could tell she was seconds from breaking apart. I wrapped my arm around her just as the sob came out. As I rubbed her back, Halina frowned and took off after Hunter. I was sure she was going to speak with him, but I had no idea if she’d tell him he’d made the right decision or not. I hoped she agreed with what he’d done. My sister deserved a better future than being with a pureblood vampire who despised vampires.

  Alanna and Imogen tried to offer Nika encouraging words, but she was too far gone to hear them. Mom eventually pulled her from my arms. Kissing her head, she held her tight. Wrapping his arm around Mom and Nika, Dad told me, “Why don’t you go get yours and Nika’s things, Julian. I think it’s time to go home.”

  Nika raised her head, her eyes puffy from crying. “No, I don’t want to leave.” She made a strangled cry while saying it.

  Dad put his hand behind her head and smoothed her hair. “I know, but space is what you both need right now.”

  Nika was still arguing with Dad when I left her side. I could hear her debating her reason to stay at the ranch while I packed up her stuff. “He didn’t mean it, Dad. He’s just depressed, confused. He needs me more than ever!” I wasn’t sure if her argument was right, and I also wasn’t sure if it was relevant. Even if Hunter was depressed, and even if he hadn’t meant the words he’d said, the words themselves were still true. She shouldn’t choose him. She should choose someone who hadn’t spent their entire life trying to kill our kind. That would be a good starting point for a healthy relationship.

  The ride home from the ranch was silent. Nika had thankfully stopped crying, but she was in a state of numbness that was almost worse. Hardly even blinking, she just stared out the window. Mom and Dad glanced back at her every few minutes, but neither of them spoke to her. They’d already said all there was to say. I tried holding Nika’s hand, but she pulled away from me. It broke my heart to see and feel how upset she was, and I really wished Hunter had just stayed where he’d been hiding. My sister would be better off if he’d never returned.

  Nika wasn’t much better Monday morning at school. I tried talking to her on the car ride there, but like the ride home from the ranch, she just stared out the window, ignoring everyone and everything. I felt her pain though. That she couldn’t help but share with me. Her ache was my ache.

  Trey and Arianna met us by the steps, and my mood picked up considerably when Arianna—my girlfriend—put her arms around me. I hadn’t left Nika’s side once we got home, hadn’t called Arianna to tell her I was home early. Making sure Nika was okay had been my priority. But now that Arianna was in front of me again, I was struck by how much I’d missed her.

  Threading my fingers through the softness of her hair, I greeted her with my lips. Arianna giggled as her warm mouth moved across mine. I’d really missed kissing her.

  Nika sighed, and I felt her sadness deepen. I tried to push Arianna away, for my sister’s sake, but she slipped her tongue between our lips, and I ended up pulling her into me instead.

  Luckily for Nika, Trey ended the moment. Smacking my shoulder to knock us apart, he muttered, “Dude, get a room.” When I looked over at him, he added, “Save it for Saturday.”

  Trey grinned at me from under his stocking cap, then turned to my morose sister. “Speaking of Saturday…I thought we could go to that new pizza place for dinner? You know, the one by the library that you like.”

  Looking out of sorts, Nika blinked and asked, “Saturday?”

  Trey stuck a finger under his knitted hat and scratched his head. “Uh, yeah…the dance? Prom? We’re still going, right?” Face confused, he looked over at me.

  I nodded, since I was still planning on going. I wasn’t sure about Nika, though, not after everything she’d gone through this weekend. But surprisingly, Nika nodded too. “Oh, yeah…we’re still going. Sounds great.”

  Trey didn’t usually notice a whole lot, because he was usually stoned out of his mind, but he seemed a little clearer today and narrowed his eyes in speculation. “You okay, Little A? You seem a little whacked out.”

  Nika turned away from him. “I’m great. Not a problem in the world.” Her voice drifted off as her throat tightened. The slice of fresh pain that went through her nearly made me cringe, and I took a step away from her. It didn’t help very much, but sometimes space diminished our emotional bond.

  Trey, for once, didn’t buy Nika’s answer. Still studying her, he asked, “You sure? You look worse than when that older guy ditched you a while back.”

  Fast as lightning, Arianna struck out and smacked Trey’s arm. “Trey!”

  He cringed away from her. “Hey! Hitting is against the school’s zero tolerance policy.”

  Nika’s emotional void seemed about to crack. Seeing her distress, Arianna grabbed her elbow and started sympathetically leading her away. Trey sighed and raised his hands in the air. “I’m sorry, Nika! I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  Remorse on his face, he turned to me once the girls were gone. “I wasn’t wrong, was I? She does look just like when that guy dumped her. I’ve never had my heart ripped out, but shouldn’t she be over that dude by now?”

  I wasn’t sure what to say and what not to say, since Trey didn’t remember anything that had really happened with Hunter. When Nika had stopped seeing him, we’d just told Trey they’d broken up, which was basically the truth. Shrugging, I told him, “Well, she would be, except…the guy kind of broke up with her again over the weekend.”

  Letting out a low whistle, Trey started walking to class. “Wow, that would definitely mess a person up. How the heck did that go down?”

  Adjusting my backpack, I felt Nika’s emotions start to even
out. Not lift, but settle. “He showed up at the ranch—”

  Lifting his head, Trey cut me off. “Dude, I gotta see that ranch someday. I want to wrangle something. What the heck does wrangle mean anyway?” I rolled my eyes at Trey’s lack of focus. Before I could respond, Trey redirected himself. “What the heck was Nika’s ex doing at your family’s place? I thought your mom didn’t even know about him?”

  I sighed. How I wish that were true. “He’s sort of…involved…with another family member now. She showed up, and he came with her.” I guess that was a simple enough way to describe Hunter and Halina’s relationship.

  Trey whistled again. “Damn…drama.”

  Closing my eyes, I let out an unamused chuckle. “You have no idea…”

  SATURDAY ARRIVED SOONER than I thought it would. I was so excited for the dance that the entire week went by in a blur. I couldn’t even remember what I’d been taught in class, a fact my parents weren’t going to like when report cards came out. Currently, though, I didn’t care about my grades, because it was Saturday…and I might be having sex tonight.

  While my week had sped by, Nika’s week had been the opposite. She’d drudged through every day, usually in a bad mood. Or even worse, she’d been numb. Trey did his best to make her laugh, but not a whole lot was making her laugh lately. She hadn’t seen or spoken to Hunter since last weekend, but I knew he was on her mind. Try as she might to not think about him, Hunter was always on her mind.

  As I tried for the hundredth time to adjust the tie I was wearing, Nika curled her hair into ringlets. The long brown locks fell into perfect curlicues as she released them, each strand bouncing off her shoulder blade before relaxing. I thought she might sweep the ringlets up into some complicated hairstyle that all girls instinctually seemed to know how to do, but she surprised me by leaving her hair down. She even fluffed her tresses around her shoulders so they hid her neck. A wash of sadness went through her after she did that.