For Now

  “Well, whatever the reason for your happiness, I’m happy you’re happy.” He gives her a hug and she has to get up on her tiptoes to reciprocate.

  “Thanks, Javi,” she says and skips to her room.

  Javi just shakes his head at her.

  “She has got to be medicated. No one is that fucking happy. You know what’s up?” I wish he hadn’t asked me. I don’t want to lie to him. I open my mouth to do it anyway and the words won’t come. I just can’t lie to Javi.

  “I’ll tell you, but you have to swear to me you’ll keep your mouth shut and won’t tell Jett. Or else I will dismember you in your sleep. Got it?” I can’t believe I’m doing this. Shannon is going to kill me. I’m the worst friend ever.

  “Former scout’s honor,” Javi says and crosses his heart. “I know how to keep my mouth shut, Haze.” I bet he does. I motion for him to lean closer, just in case Shannon decides to come out of her room.

  “She’s decided to move in with Jett. I guess she finally thought about it and she wants to now.”

  “No shit, really?” Javi seems very excited about this news, which is a little weird. I guess he’s just happy for her. “That’s fucking great. I’m guessing she hasn’t told him, which is why we’re keeping this on the down low.” I’m about to respond when Shannon comes back. I just nod.

  “What’s for dinner?” she asks as she looks into the pot. “I don’t really care what it is because it smells amazing.”

  “It’s going to be pulled pork sandwiches when it’s done. Thought I’d go a little simple tonight.” It sounds simple, but it won’t be the way Javi makes it.

  “I want to live in this pot,” Shannon says and inhales the steam coming from the simmering meat and sauce.

  “Like a pulled pork sauna,” he says and they both laugh. I’m too busy thinking about the fact that I just betrayed my best friend to think about pork saunas. But I put on a smile and fake a quick laugh for the sake of saving face. The arrival of Jett distracts Shannon even more and by the way she’s looking at him, I’m thinking she wants to dip him in the pork sauna and then devour him.

  Javi grins at me and then winks. I smile back, but it makes my heart hurt. This is a no-win situation.

  In an effort to get things out in the open, I corner Shannon that night while the guys are in the living room talking about… guy things.

  “Hey, so, when are you going to tell Jett about the whole moving in thing? Have I said how happy I am for you and how I want you to be happy?” Whoa. Coming on a little too strong there. Gotta tone it down.

  “Ummmm,” she says, fiddling with some jewelry on her dresser. “I kind of already told him. Like a few minutes after I talked to you. I couldn’t help it. I was just so excited.” Oh. So Jett already knows. So it wasn’t technically wrong for me to tell Javi. Even though I didn’t know that Jett knew at the time I told Javi.

  Ugh, this is getting complicated.

  “And? What did he think?” Shannon beams again and grabs onto me.

  “He said that he wants it, so it’s happening!” She squeals and throws herself at me. “I know I said I didn’t want it, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. And I love Jett. He loves me. That’s all that matters, right?”

  I nod and hug her back.

  “You’re not mad that I told him before you’d had time to think and figure everything out, are you?”

  “No, no. You’re excited, nothing wrong with that at all. I’m so happy for you. Where do you think you’re going to go?” She’s practically wiggling with excitement.

  “Well, we want to get something a little bit nicer and maybe within walking distance of campus. Then Jett wouldn’t have to drive that deathtrap so much. I worry about him every time he leaves in that thing.” Jett’s car is something else. I wouldn’t ride in it if you paid me. That thing is an accident waiting to happen.

  “That sounds really nice.”

  “I’m sorry to spring this on you. Are you going to be okay?” I’ll be okay if she stops asking me if I’m going to be okay. Instead of snapping at her, I smile.

  “Yeah, I’ll be absolutely fine. No worries. I can take care of myself. Have for years.” Shannon hugs me again and we go back out to the living room. Shannon takes Jett’s hand and pulls him to his feet.

  “We have an announcement. Jett and I are moving in together.” Jett smiles down at Shannon and she smiles at him and they’re so fucking happy I can barely stand it. They deserve happy, both of them.

  “Well, that’s great. Just great,” Javi says, giving Jett one of those back-slapping guy hugs and he gives Shannon one that lifts her off her feet and he swings her around. I applaud and say how happy I am and all that.

  “This calls for a celebration,” Javi says, going to the kitchen. Something tells me it’s not going to be champagne that he brings out.

  I’m absolutely right. Javi has a bottle of whiskey under one arm and four brand new shot glasses.

  “Now this is my kind of toasting,” he says, setting down the glasses and unscrewing the top on the bottle before pouring us all generous shots.

  Shannon and Jett grab theirs and I pick mine up as well. Javi raises his and we all follow suit.

  “To Jett and Shannon and their new life together. May they be blessed with happiness, laughter and lots of fucking.” I snort, and raise my glass before tipping it back and letting the alcohol burn its way down my throat. Shannon has to take hers in two gulps, but she gets it down and wipes her mouth.

  “Nice toast, Javi. Very classy,” she says.

  “Well, I’ll have an even better one for your wedding.” I stare at him. “What?”

  “Um, isn’t it a little too early to be talking about that? And what do you care? Do you have a wedding fetish that I don’t know about?” This is all new information to me.

  Javi does the one-shoulder-shrug.

  “No, I just figure when Jett and Shannon get married, I’ll be the best man. What’s crazy about that?” Well, when you put it that way, it doesn’t sound crazy at all.

  “Forget I said anything. I’m just tired,” I say and set my shot glass back on the table. I don’t want to talk about weddings or moving in or any of that stuff.

  “Whoa, I swear I’m drunk already,” Shannon says, laughing.

  Javi just grins and pours another shot.

  “You in?” he asks me.

  “Sure.”

  “Me too,” Jett says, but Shannon shakes her head. The three of us do another shot. I’m definitely going to be feeling this in the morning, but I don’t care about that. All I care about is right now and trying to think or feel something other than shitty.

  “I think that should be it for me,” Jett says, turning down Javi for a third shot.

  “I’ll do another if we wait a few minutes,” I say.

  “Fair enough.”

  Instead of watching a movie like we usually do, Shannon brings out a deck of cards and we play Go Fish. I honestly can’t remember the last time I played, but it was a long time ago. It’s much more fun when you’re somewhat drunk.

  Jett and Shannon turn in early, probably due to the effects of the alcohol, but Javi and I stay up.

  “What about that third shot?” I nod and he pours it for me. It’s too quiet so I put on some music. Normally I don’t listen to anything that’s modern, but Shannon’s been playing this guy Hozier a lot lately and I really like his stuff. “In a Week” starts to softly play as I sit on the couch again with Javi and he hands me my shot.

  We both down ours without toasting this time.

  “I did something you’re probably going to be really angry about,” Javi says, setting his glass down. “I needed to be drunk to tell you.”

  “Tell me what?”

  “Before you get mad,” he says, completely ignoring my question, “I didn’t plan this. It just happened.” Oh, shit. I want to throw up. I don’t even know what he did, but obviously it’s something bad. I knew it. We were too good to be true. It’s
over.

  “What did you do, Javi?” I say, my voice soft. I’m raging inside, but I can’t bring myself to yell.

  Javi looks down at his hands and then up at me.

  “I bought a house.”

  Of all the things I thought he was going to say, that was not it. I expected him to tell me that he cheated on me, or… well, that was pretty much what I assumed he was going to say. But a house? I think I need to hear him say it again so I can make sure I heard him right.

  “A house? What do you mean a house?”

  “I bought a house. Well, it’s more like a duplex, actually. I saw it and it was for sale and I went in and the next thing I knew I was signing the paperwork. It’s Jett’s fault, really. He was the one who asked Shannon to move in and then I got the idea in my head.” He gets up and starts pacing around the room and it’s like he’s possessed.

  “It’s crazy, right? Who does that? I don’t even know why I bought it, but I did. I bought a house. I bought a house.”

  I’m still on the couch and I can’t seem to form a response. This is just… I don’t know what to say.

  “Mimi and I always lived in apartments. Never a house. She always wanted a house with enough space so she could have an herb garden. She used to grow little pots of basil and thyme and rosemary in the windows of our apartment, but they never got much sun. I always told her I’d use my money to buy her a house where she could have a garden.” His voice is softer now.

  “Who did you buy the house for, Javi?” I ask. I want to hear his answer.

  “Well, I bought it for me, and for you. And for Jett and Shannon, if they want to move in with us. I thought… I figured you wouldn’t want things to change too much, and if they didn’t, then you’d be less reluctant to move in with me.” I can’t process this.

  “But, Javi. We’ve barely started dating. I just… this is too much too fast. What happens if we break up? Then what? Then where do I live? Huh? Where do I live? I can’t live with Shannon because she’s moving in with Jett and I can’t live with other people because I hate everyone else and I can’t afford a place of my own.” I can feel myself losing it, but I’ve been holding this back for a while now and it’s finally coming out.

  “We’re already living together, Haze. Our location won’t change that.” I rub my eyes to stop the tears from flowing, but they won’t.

  “But it will. It will be different. You know it will. I just… I can’t deal with this right now.” I get up and head for the kitchen. I have a secret stash of cigarettes on the highest shelf of one of the cabinets. I figured Shannon would never discover it since she’s so short. I grab the pack and a lighter and go outside.

  Javi follows me. I light up and inhale. Oh, I needed that. I also definitely need another shot. What a fucked up day.

  “Those things will kill you, you know,” Javi says as I lean against the porch railing and watch the smoke curl into the sky and mingle with the stars.

  “Something will. Might as well go out happy.” I flick some ash and then hold the pack out to him. He takes one and uses a lighter from his pocket.

  “I didn’t mean to throw this on you. I really had a better plan. I was going to take you out to dinner and then drive you to the house and have it all set up with candles and everything. I was going to do this the right way, but I guess I got excited. You don’t have to say anything, or make any decisions. The last thing I want you to do is feel forced to do something you don’t want.”

  I exhale and try to put into words why I’m freaking out so much.

  “My family was never there for me, growing up. The one group of people you’re supposed to count on, and they weren’t reliable. So I guess I just have a lot of trust issues.” That’s putting it lightly.

  “What about Shannon?”

  I shrug.

  “She’s different. I just… I trusted her the first time we met. I can’t explain it. She’s a good person, Javi. Such a good person. She’s always worried about everyone else.”

  He leans closer to me.

  “And what about me? Do you trust me?”

  That’s a more complicated answer.

  “I want to. I do. But you have the power to break my heart. I gave you that power, but still. You scare me. The way I feel about you scares me.”

  Javi chuckles softly.

  “Well, that’s something we can definitely agree on. You scare the shit out of me. I always thought guys who were obsessed with their girlfriends were just whipped or getting some or whatever. But you… how I feel about you is something so… big. It’s big and deep and feels endless. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t be in love with you. I don’t want to imagine a world where that would happen.” I ache at his words. I always wanted someone to say something like that to me, but never thought it would happen.

  “I love you too. But I’m scared. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. To move in someday. But I guess I just need to move slower with that stuff.”

  Javi nods and finishes his cigarette.

  “I can do that. Just… talk to me. I can’t know how your head is working if you don’t tell me.” That’s fair.

  “Sure.” We stub out our cigarettes, but I’m not ready to go inside yet. The air is warmer than it’s been in a while.

  “Are you going to tell Jett and Shannon about it?” I ask.

  Javi shrugs.

  “I don’t know. I mean, I’m not even sure how that would work. They probably wouldn’t just want to live there rent-free, so we’d have to figure that out. I told you, I really didn’t plan this thing. It just happened.”

  “Well, of all the things that ‘just happen’ I’m glad it involved a house and not another girl’s vagina.” He throws back his head and laughs and dog at our neighbor’s house barks at the noise.

  “Did you think that was what I was going to tell you? That I fucked another girl?” I give him a look.

  “Well, when your boyfriend says he’s got something to tell you, it’s not crazy to go there.”

  “Fair enough.”

  I move closer to him and he puts his arms around me. I inhale his smell and it’s true. Javi feels like home. He feels like comfort and safety and all the things I’ve been searching for and craving my entire life.

  I’m just so scared that it’s going to be taken away from me.

  “I’m never going to abandon you, Haze. Never, ever. I’d marry you right now to show you that.” I stiffen. Is he serious?

  I pull back and look at him.

  Yup. He’s fucking serious.

  “You’d marry me, right here. Right now. On this porch. Better and worse, all of that. Right now.” He nods once and then takes my face in both of his hands.

  “I, Javier, take you, Hazel, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, from now until… forever.” I can’t move. I can’t speak. I can’t breathe.

  “Your turn,” he whispers and I reach up and hold his face. His cheeks have a little bit of stubble on them.

  “I, Hazel, take you, Javier, to be my lawfully wedded husband.” These words don’t feel strange. They feel right and true and completely perfect.

  “To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, from now until forever.” Javi smiles slowly.

  “See? Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may kiss my bride.” He pulls me close for a kiss. Tears are coursing down my cheeks and my heart feels like it’s going to beat its way out of my chest.

  “I love you so much,” Javi says as he breaks the kiss. His own eyes are a little shiny.

  “I love you. I can’t… I can’t believe we just did that.”

  “Next time we should probably do it in front of people. And all legal and everything.”

  “Be serious, Javi.”

  “I am completely and totally serious. If you told me right this second you wanted to go to Vegas and do this, I’d be booking plane tickets.” He i
s serious.

  “This is crazy,” I say. Absolutely crazy. I’m standing in front of a guy that I just “married” who has also bought a house for us to live in.

  “I prefer to think of it as knowing what’s right and going for it. You and I are right. I know it. Took me a little while to realize, but now that I do, I know I’d do anything to keep this. Anything.”

  “I’m not ready to get married, Javi. I’m not ready to move into your house.” God, I don’t want to hurt him. “But when I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know.”

  “I should hope so, porch wife.” That makes me laugh.

  “So is that what I’m going to call you now? My porch husband?”

  “I like that better than boyfriend, actually.”

  We kiss again and Javi starts swaying us back and forth.

  “We should dance now, you know. The couple always does that at their wedding reception,” he says and we start turning. There isn’t much room since it’s a small porch, but we can still dance a little.

  “You know, we’ve both consumed alcohol and this entire thing could be blamed on the whiskey,” I say and Javi makes a face.

  “No way. I’m not even drunk.”

  “I’m getting there.”

  We sway some more and I start laughing.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “This. You. Me. Everything.”

  “Funny isn’t the word I would use,” he says, taking my hand and twirling me under his arm.

  “What word would you use?” I ask and then squeal as he dips me, being sure I don’t hit my head on the porch railing.

  “I’d use two words. Fucking perfect.” I roll my eyes as he pulls me upright.

  “Of course you’d use the word ‘fucking’.”

  “Hey, it’s one of my favorite words to use and activities to participate in.” Heat flares between us and I can see some in our near future.

  “You’re fucking ridiculous, porch husband.”

  “You’re fucking awesome, porch wife.”

  I don’t tell Shannon about Javi’s and my porch marriage. It’s one of those things I don’t want to tell anyone. I want to keep that special moment just to myself. And Javi, of course.