For Now

“Just don’t be an asshole and I won’t have to be mad at you,” I say, moving closer to him and putting my hands on his chest.

  “I’ll do my best,” he says and then sighs. My eyes close and I listen to the beat of Javi’s heart. Much better than ocean waves.

  When I wake in the morning, Javier is gone. I grope around my bed for him, but he’s nowhere to be found. I open my eyes and look around. My hand closes on a note he’s left on the pillow next to my head.

  Thanks for last night. I’ll do my best to make it up to you. See you tonight for dinner.

  -Javi

  I sigh and push my hands through my hair. I don’t like waking up and not having him here. I know how crazy that sounds. He’s slept in my bed all of two nights and I can’t figure out how I slept before. You’d think it would be the opposite, that having someone in my bed would make sleeping more difficult. But no, I have to be a weirdo.

  I can’t tell Javi how much I want him to stay the night with me. It would sound way too desperate and needy. Still, he was the one who texted me and asked to come over. And I was the one who let him in.

  Javi and I are definitely going to have to sit down and have a serious talk about what the hell we are to each other now. Things have changed and everything is all… weird.

  Crap. I probably shouldn’t have let him kiss me. Or kissed him. However that happened. I don’t really remember. And I definitely shouldn’t let him sleep in my bed again.

  Well, fuck.

  I stumble out to the kitchen to find Shannon at the waffle iron and Jett sitting at the table, his hair already gelled to perfection.

  “Don’t go near any open flames,” I say to him as I sit in my chair. “Your head is definitely flammable.”

  He just grins at me and sips his coffee.

  “I’ll take the risk.”

  “I like your hair,” Shannon says, pouting a bit. “I mean, any way you wear it, but I love it when you spike it up. It’s… you.” She leans down and gives him a kiss.

  “Thank you, princess.” I try not to gag at the pet name.

  “Waffles?” Shannon asks. I nod and then pour myself some coffee. It’s a really good thing I have so many people around me who can cook. Otherwise, I’d probably starve. How I’ve been able to manage this long is still a mystery.

  I dig into my waffles in silence, but I can feel Jett and Shannon staring at me.

  “Stop it. You’re both being creepy.” I look up and find that yes, they are both giving me weird looks.

  Shannon blushes and Jett looks at his waffles.

  “I know Javi was here last night,” he finally says. “I heard him drive out in the middle of the night and figured out where he was going.” Shannon and Jett share a look and it tells me that they’ve been talking about Javi and me behind our backs. Nice.

  “I shouldn’t have to explain any of this to you, you know. It’s not really any of your business.” When Shannon was “fake-dating” Jett, I used to want to know everything. Well, now the shoe is on the other foot and I know how awful it feels.

  “You’re right. I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Shannon says. “We care about you and Javi.” I know they do. But right now their care is making me want to go outside and smoke so I can escape the scrutiny. I don’t like this at all.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. When/if I do, I’ll let you know,” I say and stab my waffles.

  And that is the end of that. Jett and Shannon talk about other things, and Shannon asks if I mind if Jett has dinner with us tonight. I say that I don’t and then Jett folds his napkin into a crane and puts it on my plate.

  “Thanks. Sorry for being crabby. I just… I don’t know. This is all confusing.” The crane starts soaking up the syrup left on my plate and droops.

  “Been there, done that, read the book, saw the movie adaptation and the awful sequel,” Shannon says. “I’m here if you want to talk. And I’m sure Jett wouldn’t mind helping you decipher the mystery that is Javier.”

  “I absolutely volunteer,” Jett says, raising his hand. “I have quite a bit of Javier experience and I’m happy to share.”

  They’re both sweet, but I think this is one of those things I need to figure out on my own.

  “I appreciate it, but I think I’m good. I’m going to take a shower,” I say and Jett takes my plate to the sink.

  Javier arrives as planned, with a bag of groceries.

  “Where the hell are you getting the money for all this food?” I ask. He shrugs one shoulder. I hate it when he does that. It’s such a non-answer.

  “I have my ways,” he says, dumping the bags on the kitchen table.

  “So you’re secretly a billionaire? You wouldn’t know it from that place you live in.” That apartment makes me shudder. I have no idea how Shannon can spend so much time there. I’d have to wear a Hazmat suit just to spend the night.

  “Shhh,” Javi says, putting his finger to his lips.

  “Seriously, though. Where are you getting the money for all this?” Javi is always vague about money. As far as I know, he doesn’t have a job.

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “I’m not worried, I just want to know, Javi. I mean, it seems a little crazy for you to be buying all our groceries.” Shannon and Jett emerge from her room, hair and clothes in disarray and sheepish looks on their faces. Javi whistles at them and they both go redder.

  “Might wanna fix your hair, man,” he said, motioning to Jett’s messed up hair.

  “Be right back,” Jett says and Shannon pretends to stare at something on her hands.

  I just help Javi unload the groceries and start dinner. I wouldn’t say I’m ready to be on Iron Chef, but I’m getting much better at not ruining whatever I’m cooking. And I now know the difference between cast iron and regular pans. Mostly thanks to Javier’s lectures. Passionate about pans, that guy.

  Shannon and Jett get over their embarrassment and are back to their normal selves in a few minutes.

  “So we were thinking that we should have a party or something some weekend instead of our usual bar-visiting,” Shannon says. “You know, something pre-finals, just for fun. Have everyone over, cook some food, have a few drinks, etc. What do you think?” She’s asking me.

  “Sounds good. I’m guessing you want to have it here, yes?”

  “Well… Jett and Javi’s place isn’t really fit for a party of more than a few people. And I just think it would be nice, you know?” Shannon seems so happy, and she wants to share it with everyone. Nothing wrong with that, I guess.

  “Sure, we can have it here.”

  “Maybe I can barbecue,” Javi says. “I’ve got a little portable grill that I haven’t been able to use because there’s no flat surface outside for us to use it, so it’s been sitting in my closet forever.” Javi’s eyes light up at the prospect of barbecuing.

  “Yeah, sure. We should be able to fit something on the porch.” He won’t have a lot of room to move around, but it will still be better than using it at his place. I wouldn’t put anything of value on that porch.

  “Awesome!” Shannon says.

  “Just not on Saturday since I’ll probably have to work.” If we do it on Sunday, I’ll probably be hung over on Monday, but I’d rather that than be hung over at work.

  “Works for me,” Shannon says and she and Javi start planning the menu. I can’t tell who is more excited. It’s a toss-up.

  I just go back to watching the boiling potatoes. Javi gets the steaks going and Shannon and Jett make a chopped salad.

  I want to talk to Javi and ask him if he’s coming over to spend the night tonight, but I’d rather not have an audience, so my question will have to wait.

  Dinner is uneventful and then it’s time for everyone to do homework. Jett and Shannon decide to stay, so the living room is crowded with books and notebooks and laptops.

  Jett’s working on a project for one of his graphic design classes and keeps asking for opinions and Shannon’s trying to design a marketing
campaign, so I keep getting interrupted. I don’t mind, though. It’s nice having the apartment full of people. Besides, I’m not behind, so it doesn’t matter how much I get done tonight anyway.

  Javi is quiet again. Not surly or mad. Just quiet.

  Once again, I’m not used to dealing with a quiet Javi. So I ignore him for the most part, since that’s what he seems to want.

  We all work for hours, and by the time Shannon and Jett are ready for bed, Javi hasn’t said anything about staying or going.

  “See you in the morning,” Shannon says, blowing me a kiss. Jett gives us both a salute before they head to Shannon’s room and shut the door. I wait a few minutes before I speak.

  “Are you going to stay?”

  Javi closes his book and gets up, gathering his books and then he leaves the room. The front door slams and I’m left sitting on the couch and wondering what the hell is wrong with him. I didn’t even say anything. God, what a jerk.

  Well, fine. If he wants to be an asshole, he can be an asshole. At his place.

  I’m startled as the door slams again and Javi comes back in with a backpack.

  “Ready for bed?” he says.

  “What the fuck, Javi?”

  “I had to get some stuff from my car,” he says, as if I’ve asked something ridiculous.

  “You’re staying?” He just nods and heads to my room. “I didn’t invite you to stay,” I say, following him and closing the door as he starts to pull things out of the bag. Toothbrush, clothes, etc. Like he’s having a sleepover.

  “I thought you wanted me to. But I can go.” He starts putting the stuff back in his bag.

  “No, no. I just… you aren’t very good at communication sometimes, Javi. And for someone who never shuts up, that’s a little weird. I’m confused here, and you’re not making that confusion get any clearer.” In fact, I have a headache coming on.

  “I mean, making dinner is one thing, but just inviting yourself over to sleep in my bed is weird. Not saying I don’t want you here, I just want you to consult me before you make decisions that involve me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, honestly.” He watches me as I talk, his face blank. But I see the words getting through to him. He sighs and his shoulders slump a little.

  “You’re right, Haze. I’m sorry. I’ve just had a shitty day and… I don’t know. This whole situation is something I’ve never dealt with before and I don’t know how to handle it.”

  “Yeah, well, that makes two of us. But you can’t shut me out and also expect me to go along with whatever. Relationships don’t work that way.” He sits down on my bed and I sit next to him.

  “So this is a relationship now?” he says, bumping my shoulder and smiling.

  “You know it is. I have no idea what kind of relationship it is, but it’s… something.” No idea what to call it. Friends with benefits? But we aren’t having sex, so the only “benefit” right now is the sleeping.

  “Yes, it’s something.” He brushes my hair over my shoulder. “I’m not very good at… sharing what’s going on inside my head.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Unless it’s sexual, right?”

  He laughs.

  “Right.”

  “Shh, I don’t want Jett and Shannon to overhear,” I say in a low voice. I could almost picture them with their ears up against the wall.

  “I’m pretty sure Jett and Shannon are currently only concerned with Jett and Shannon,” Javi says in my ear before kissing my earlobe.

  “Stop that,” I say, trying to push him away. “You can’t just kiss my ear, Javi.”

  “Why not? You like it, I like it. Win-win.”

  I turn to face him.

  “Because you’re not my boyfriend. I’m not your girlfriend. I’m not even sure we’re friends. This whole thing is completely confusing and before it goes forward, I want to know what you want from me.”

  He sighs again.

  “I don’t know what I want. I just… I like being with you and staying the night with you and I sure as hell liked kissing you. But I keep thinking if we take this to the next level, I’m going to fuck it up and then it’s going to make everything awkward. I mean, Shannon is your best friend and Jett is mine and that could make things really suck for them.” He has a good point, but it’s almost as if we’ve passed the point of no return. Things have already happened, and if we pretend like they haven’t, we’re both liars.

  “What makes you so sure you’re going to fuck it up? Maybe I’ll be the one to ruin things.” This is just as probable.

  “No, I think it would be me, Haze. I’m kind of volatile when it comes to women. There’s a reason I’m one and done when it comes to sex.”

  “Well, join the club. I’m not exactly a fantastic girlfriend either. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time I actually had a boyfriend.”

  “Well, I’d make a terrible boyfriend.” He leans closer to me and heat sparks between us.

  “Okay, so you make a bad boyfriend and I make a bad girlfriend. So how about we ditch that whole thing and just… do whatever? There’s no law that says we have to define anything, or behave a certain way. We can just… be together when we’re together and be not together when we’re not together. I don’t need a boyfriend. Shit, I don’t have time for a boyfriend.” That is an understatement. I need someone to have sex with me and make me dinner and take me out every now and then. Some people might call that a boyfriend, but I’m not asking for exclusivity.

  “You’d be fine with being… together-ish?” I laugh. That’s the best way to put it.

  “Sure. As long as you’re safe. And I’ll be likewise.” Sure, I’ll have casual sex, but I’m not playing with my health. That’s just stupid. I’ve never had sex without a condom. Doing so prevented me from having sex a few times, but I’m not taking any risks.

  “Always. I never leave the house without protection.” He’s dead serious. No joking. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a condom.

  “Is that supposed to impress me?”

  “No. Just to show you that I’m always prepared.” He puts it away.

  “Were you a boy scout?”

  He chuckles.

  “Believe it or not, I was kicked out of the boy scouts. That’s another story for another time, though. I’m tired.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I say, but it’s a lie. I’m not tired. I’m turned on and I really want to have sex right now. Lose myself in the sensations in my body for a little while. Javi is here and I think if I push him in the right direction, he’ll be all for it.

  “Sooo,” he says, pulling out his clothes to sleep in.

  “Sooo,” I echo, standing up and pulling my shirt over my head. Might as well make my intentions clear. “I sleep naked most nights. Want to give me a hand?”

  I turn slowly and look over my shoulder at Javi. All he has to do is reach out and unhook my bra and slip my panties over my hips.

  “Javi?” He’s staring at my back like he’s never seen one before.

  “Javier.”

  His eyes snap up to mine. This seduction thing is a lot more work than I thought it would be.

  “Are you sure?” he finally asks. “Don’t get me wrong, this is something I’ve fantasized about a lot. Too many times to count, but…” He looks so vulnerable in this moment that I almost want to give him a hug.

  I turn around and tilt his face up.

  “I have faith in you, Javier. But if you don’t want to, then we won’t.” He’s staring at my lips.

  “I’ve never turned down sex before¸” he says. “Feels wrong.”

  “It’s okay,” I say. It looks like tonight won’t be the night. I should probably put my clothes on.

  I reach for my shirt, but Javi grabs my arm. Our eyes meet again and I can almost see the wheels clicking in his brain.

  “Fuck it,” he says and yanks me down on top of him, smashing his mouth to mine so hard I nearly bite through my lip.

  Well. That’s a change in dire
ction, but I’m totally with him. My bra is practically ripped off me and my panties join the rest of my clothes on the floor.

  “Not fair,” I say against Javi’s mouth. There’s nothing safe or sweet about these kisses. They’re all about claiming and taking and wanting.

  I run my hands across his chest and start pulling his shirt over his head. We have to break the kiss for a moment and then we’re back at it.

  I’d love to look at him as he undresses and all that, but this isn’t the time.

  I break two fingernails undoing his belt, and then his pants are on the floor and he’s naked and I’m naked and good GOD it’s been a long time since I had a sweaty man above me.

  His tattoos are absolutely amazing. They extend from the center of his chest, over his shoulders and down his arms, almost like tribal wings. He’s even more gorgeous than I thought he would be.

  I pull my mouth away from his so I can kiss his neck and then his chest. Sounds of pleasure rumble through his chest and I flick my tongue out and taste one of his nipples.

  “Shit, Hazel.” I do it again and he closes his eyes. Ha. I like having the upper hand sometimes.

  But then Javi decides he wants to swap and pulls my mouth away and starts kissing down my neck, stopping for a moment to suck on that spot below my ear that drives me crazy. I moan and hold onto him. Hell, he could make me come just from doing that.

  His searing lips move lower and then he takes one of my nipples into his mouth and I dig my fingers into his scalp. He chuckles and the sound vibrates against my sensitive skin. He’s undoing me. The combination of not being with someone for ages and the anticipation I’ve built up for this moment have ignited me and I can barely stand it.

  While his mouth is working on my upper half, his hands are drifting lower and my entire body is shaking, waiting for him to touch me. When he does and I arch into him and it’s so damn good. Touching yourself is one thing, but having someone else do it (someone with nice big hands and excellent fingers) is on a whole other planet.

  One finger goes inside me and then another as his thumb works at my clit. I know he’s done this before and I’m glad. I don’t have to draw him a map, or pretend to be gyrating in pleasure as he fumbles around. Javi knows exactly what he’s doing and just like when he irritates me, he’s pushing all the right buttons.