April Shadows

  "And then, when he ran off. I was convinced I was the sole cause of it. Do you know how many sleepless nights I spent thinking that? I hate to admit it to anyone. but I had a sense of relief when we discovered the real reason for his deserting us, as terrible as that reason was. At least it wasn't my fault. Do you understand?"

  I nodded.

  "Anyway," she continued, walking again, "after his death. I had this feeling that chains had been lifted from me. I wasn't willing to go wild or anything. I had simply stopped all the denial. I looked at myself in the mirror one day afterward and said. Brenda, this is who you are. Take it or leave it, and get on with your life."

  "What does Mama know?" I asked.

  She didn't answer for a long moment, and then she stopped.

  "You know, April. I can't say for sure. Sometimes. I would catch her looking at me with so much pity in her face I nearly cried, and sometimes, I saw her looking at me with admiration. Whatever. I think it's time I was as honest with her as I am with you. It's something I have to do, something I have to find the strength to do,"

  "Mama thinks you're so strong. So does Celia, and so do I," I added.

  "I put on a good facade," she said. "Someone once wrote that you should be careful of whom you pretend to be, because that's who you'll be. Maybe it's very true for me. I don't know. When I first learned that you were coming here yourself, I was both angry and happy about it," she revealed.

  "How could it be both?"

  "I thought if you came with Mama, you two would be away from us enough to remain in some dark place when it came to me and my identity and that the facade, the denial, could continue. It was comfortable and easier not to have to admit to anything. But there was and is a part of me that wants to be honest. April. and I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe, this was the time to reveal myself to you. I was afraid. That's why I was so angry for a while. Celia continued to prod me to deal with it, with you. Of course, she was and is right. I didn't handle it well. We didn't. I can understand why you got so upset back there. I'm sorry."

  She reached out and brushed my hair back the way Mama always did.

  "Am I going to be like you. Brenda?"

  She held her smile. Is that what troubles you the most now?"

  "In a way. yes.," I said.

  "I don't know. April. It would be very convenient or simple to say no, but I didn't know about myself, so how can I predict what's in store for you? You'll have to examine and come to understand your own feelings. I don't believe you have to be like me because of some inherited thing, but I don't know."

  I nodded. "I guess I really was behaving like a child back there. I'm sorry."

  "Not at all," she said.

  She put her arm around me, and we walked along for quite a while without saying a word. I felt she wasn't simply embracing me with her arm but was wrapping her heart around me as well. She had trusted me with her innermost feelings and revelations. She had bared herself in a way she hadn't in all our lives together. We were never closer as sisters than we were at this moment, and yet I felt we were also farther apart in a different sort of way. I had a chasm of mis-understandings about myself and about her to cross before we could truly say we accepted each other. That would take time, and maybe, maybe, it would never happen.

  Celia was waiting for us outside the dormitory. "Hey," she called. "What happened to you two? I was starting to worry."

  "We took a little detour," Brenda explained. Celia nodded and turned to me.

  "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way back there," she said.

  "No, it's all right,"

  "Oh?" She looked at Brenda and in a moment knew all that had passed between us. "Great, Well, I'm tired. and I didn't play a second in that grueling game, so I can't even imagine how you feel."

  "Tired. Let's all get some sleep," Brenda said. "We can have breakfast and maybe show April some of our more fun places in the city,"

  "I think I'd better set out for home right after breakfast. Mama makes me nervous," I said.

  Brenda nodded. "Fine. We'll follow you next weekend, and we'll get her to go out to dinner again."

  There were some girls and their boyfriends sitting around one of the settee and chair

  arrangements in the lobby. When we entered, one of the boys called out. ''Great game."

  "Thanks," Brenda called back, and we went up the stairs to the rooms. "Are you all right?" Brenda asked me at the door to mine. "Is it comfortable enough?"

  "Yeah, sure." I said. "I'm really glad I came. Brenda."

  "Me, too," she said, and we hugged. Celia watched from the doorway. She smiled at me. and I told her good night and went into the room.

  Had I ever had a more complicated, full day? Even this very plain-looking bed in this Spartan closet of a room looked inviting. I couldn't wait to get into it and close my eyes. I could hear Brenda and Celia talking, but their voices were so muffled and low I didn't make out any sense of anything. I heard them laugh, and then they grew quiet.

  For a moment. I was caught in a heavy contradiction. I was happy for Brenda. She had obviously found great contentment. But I was actually very jealous of her as well. She seemed to have it all now: her wonderful athletic talent and someone with whom to share it, perhaps share the rest of her life. She had truly found herself, and she was very comfortable with herself.

  Would I ever be? What really lay in wait for me out there? What revelations, discoveries, realizations would I confront, and would I be as comfortable and as satisfied with who I was as Brenda was now?

  I wondered about Mama. What did she really know? How would she face this along with all her other burdens? I was afraid for her. Maybe this was just too much weight to bear. Maybe Brenda shouldn't be so forthcoming when it came to her. Wasn't it better to keep this all a secret until Mama grew stronger? I decided I would discuss it with Brenda in the morning.

  I didn't think I'd fall asleep for a long time. but I did. and Brenda had to wake me. She was already dressed and stood by my bed, gently shaking me.

  "Hey. sleepyhead. Get up and dressed. We're hungry." she said.

  I around the sleep out of my eyes and looked around. The confusion on my face made her laugh.

  "Forgot where you were?"

  "Yes for a moment." I said. "What time is it?"

  "It's after nine. We overslept, too. We're usually out and about by eight. We'll wait for you downstairs,' she told me, and left.

  I washed and dressed as quickly as I could. Brenda and Celia were sitting on a settee and talking to another girl when I appeared. The girl had short pecan-brown hair and wore her glasses down on the bridge of her nose, looking over them as she spoke to Brenda and Celia. She had a notebook in her hand and had been writing.

  "This is Marsha Graystone," Brenda said, introducing us. "She's the editor of the college. newspaper,"

  "Hi," I said.

  "What do you think of your sister?" she asked in a demanding tone. She held her hand poised with the pen as though she were going to write whatever I said verbatim. I glanced at Brenda and Celia, who were both smiling.

  "I think she's terrific." I said.

  "Why?" she followed like a prosecutor in a courtroom.

  "Why?" I looked at Brenda again. "Because no matter what you think or expect from her, she will always surprise you," I replied.

  "I love it!" Marsha cried, and wrote.

  "I'm starving," Celia declared, standing. She put her arm through mine. "C'mon, we're treating you to a Mom's Kitchen breakfast with all the trimmings. Eggs and grits and biscuits and ham."

  "You're going to eat all that?" Brenda asked skeptically.

  "Today. I will," Celia said. "See you. Marsha," she threw back, and marched me to the door. Brenda laughed and followed.

  Mom's Kitchen was a small restaurant designed like a roadside diner. There really was a Mom, too, supervising a short-order cook. Everything smelled so crowd I couldn't help being very hungry. For once. Brenda didn't scowl at me when I rea
ched for the biscuits and the jam. In fact, there was a wonderful lightness about the three of us. They had me laughing hysterically when they imitated Marsha Claystone. Celia had her down pat.

  "What do you think of your sister?"

  We laughed at that and much more. For the first time since I had arrived, I felt more than welcome. I did want to stay longer, but I was worried about Mama. too, After we finished breakfast. I went to the phone to call her. It rang and rang, but she didn't pick up.

  "What's going on?" Brenda called from the table. I shook my head. "She doesn't answer."

  "Did you call the right number? Do it again," she advised, and I did.

  Again, it rang and rang, and Mama didn't pick up. Brenda, now concerned herself, called herself and held the receiver, listening to the constant rims,

  "Maybe she went to the doctor or something," Celia offered.

  "I have the car." I reminded them. "She could have taken a taxi."

  "Mama? No, I doubt that," I said.

  "Let's return to the dorm and call from there. I'm sure it's nothin!. She could be in the shower," Celia said.

  Brenda and I exchanged looks of concern but agreed to do what she said.

  "You know." Celia said as we walked back. "now that you have attended the game and there's no more pressure on her to be here, she probably felt better and went out. Maybe she called a friend."

  "How can you say that now? Because she was having so much trouble leaving the house and going anywhere, you said she was developing agoraphobia, right?" I asked.

  "That's right, but that's only a suspicion. I'm not qualified to..."

  "I looked it up," I quickly admitted. "She is getting that way. Exactly."

  Brenda's concern grew stronger. We called again the moment we arrived at the dorm, and again the phone rang and rang. and Mama didn't answer.

  "I'd better get started for home," I said. Brenda and Celia looked at each other.

  "I'm sure she just went out somehow. Brenda." Celia said. "Okay," she added before Brenda could respond. "We'll follow April back in my car if your mother still doesn't answer by the time April's ready to leave."

  "Right," Brenda said.

  I went up and got my things together. I moved as quickly as I could, but that didn't matter. More concerned than she had revealed. Brenda was waiting for me in the hallway, and I could tell immediately from the expression on her face that something was terribly wrong.

  "What?"

  "I called Dora Maxwell and asked her to check on Mama for us.

  Mrs. Maxwell was our closest neighbor. She and her husband had been there as long as we had.

  "And?"

  "She went right over to our house, and she called me."

  "What did she say?" I asked, feeling as if I had to pull every word off her tongue,

  "She said. 'Brenda, get home as quickly as you can."

  "What does that mean?"

  "I don't know, exactly."

  "Why not?"

  "She couldn't talk,'" Brenda said. "Why not?"

  "She couldn't stop crying."

  11 Sleep in Peace

  . Brenda drove my car. and Celia followed us on our ride back to our house. Like Mrs, Maxwell, I couldn't talk, either. and I wasn't crying. My throat was just so choked up and my chest so heavy. I simply sat there staring out the side window at the scenery rushing by. Whenever I looked at Brenda, she was hovering over the steering wheel as if she were urging the car to go even faster. I didn't think she realized how taut she was holding her neck and shoulders. Occasionally. I turned to look back at Celia, who was trying to keep up.

  "Don't you go blaming yourself for anything," Brenda chanted. From the way she said it. I wondered if she were talking aloud to herself or talking to me. "Don't you do it."

  "Blame myself for what. Brenda?" I asked, my lips trembling,

  "Whatever happens. Whatever we find out when we get home. April."

  "What are we going to find?" I asked, now openly crying.

  She didn't answer. She just shook her head and held herself taut over the steering wheel. She knew more she just wasn't saying. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and sat back. It doesn't matter what she says. Whatever has happened is my fault, I thought. I knew I shouldn't have left Mama. I knew it even after I had gotten into the car. I knew it the moment I drove out. I was just too excited about driving myself and getting to go to a college dorm.

  I was trembling inside just imagining what might be awaiting us. The dark clouds ahead were definitely a bad omen in my mind. Sprinkles began when we reached Hickory, and by the time we arrived at the house, it had turned to showers. Mrs. Maxwell obviously had been waiting for us at the front window and opened the door the moment we turned into our driveway. She was in her coat and had on a plastic rain hat.

  Brenda hesitated after she opened the door and didn't get out of the car.

  "The ambulance has taken her to the hospital," Mrs. Maxwell said as she hurried toward us. She opened the rear door and got in quickly.

  Celia got out of her car and approached. "What's happening?"

  "We're going to the hospital," Brenda said. "She was taken there by ambulance. Get in."

  Celia got into the rear of the car with Mrs. Maxwell, and we backed out of the driveway, turned, and headed away.

  "After you called int. I went to your house and rang the doorbell." Mrs. Maxwell began. "I waited and waited and knocked. I looked through the windows and didn't see any lights on or your mother. I almost went home, thinking she had gone somewhere. but I remembered your telling me April had the car. Of course, she could have been picked up by someone," she rattled on, terrified of the silence. "However. I thought I'd see if your rear door was open and it was I walked in and called and called, and then I went farther into the house and eventually looked in your mother's bedroom.

  "At first. I thought she was just sleeping. Again. I almost turned around and returned to my home. but I noticed her right arm was dangling off the bed and thought that was odd. so I called to her. I raised my voice, and still she didn't respond. I went to her and shook her. Her eyes didn't open. but I didn't think she was... she was... passed away. I never saw someone who couldn't wake up like that. Of course. I thought she was in a coma or something. Then you called. The sound of the phone ringing nearly made my heart explode. I'm sorry I was so incoherent.

  "As soon as we hung up. I saw the bottle of sleeping pills and realized it was empty and she might have taken too many. I called 911, and the ambulance got here quickly. The paramedics couldn't make her wake up, either, so they took her off to the hospital. I told them you were coming here. and I told them I would wait for you.

  "I don't know what to think. I don't know what else to say." She concluded.

  Brenda didn't say anything.

  "She got the idea from what I told her about my mother," Celia suddenly said.

  Brenda grimaced and looked at her through the rearview mirror. "Don't be ridiculous. Celia. Your mother wasn't the first one to think of that."

  "I know. but..."

  "Look, everyone has got to stop looking for ways to blame herself Brenda shouted.

  It was like an explosion. No one breathed loudly.

  "You, of all people, should know how complicated this situation is," she continued in a calmer tone.

  "I know." Celia said. "I'm sorry."

  I felt myself close up, my body fold into itself. I wished I were a turtle pulling her head back into and under her shell. I wished I were anything or anyone but who I was. Our family had been in a free fall ever since Daddy had turned into Mr. Hyde. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn't pull ourselves out of it. There wasn't any one choice, any one decision, that any of us had made to begin all this. Bad Luck had just come sauntering down our street one day, looked at our house and us, and thought. Here's a good prospect. These people will surely know how powerful I can be, and then, like shadows that fall when a cloud slips over the sun. Bad Luck enveloped our house and sank into it, s
oaking us up in darkness, disappointment, and defeat. He was still with us. I felt all the strength seep out of me as we turned into the hospital parking lot as close to the emergency room as we could get. I wasn't sure I would be able to put myself together enough to get out of the car.

  Brenda turned off the engine, took a deep breath, and nodded. We all got out and followed her quickly to the emergency room entrance.

  "This is so terrible, so terrible," Mrs. Maxwell muttered beside me. She held my elbow so tightly it actually hurt. but I didn't say anything.

  The sight of so many people in the waiting room depressed us all. There was a line in front of the reception desk like you might find in a post office or a bank. There were people who looked as if they were in pain and people who just looked miserable. Every time you start feeling sorry for yourself for whatever reason, I thought, you should just stop by a hospital emergency room and look at the people waiting.

  Brenda caught sight of a paramedic walking toward the entrance. She veered quickly to the left and stopped him.

  "Did you happen to pick up my mother today?" she asked. "Mrs. Nora Taylor, 777 North Castle Drive?"

  He looked at me and Celia and Mrs. Maxwell and nodded.

  "Yes, ma'am," he said, "She was taken to the examination room immediately."

  "Well, who can we talk to?" Brenda asked.

  He looked at the desk and the line and then nodded and said, "Come with me."

  We followed him through the doors and into the hallway. A patient was on a gurney in the hallway, the right side of his face bandaged so that it covered the eye. He had his head turned away from us. A nurse came out of one of the examination rooms and hurried to the nurses' station, and then a doctor appeared on our left, and the paramedic approached him.

  "Dr. Mallen, these people are the family of the woman we brought in about an hour ago. Mrs. Taylor."

  The doctor looked at us and nodded at the paramedic. "Please, step in here," he said, indicating an empty examination room.

  I don't know how I walked or even stood straight. My body felt strangely detached. floating. Brenda, in her usual firm way, stepped in quickly. Celia beside her.