April Shadows

  "Talk about your man haters," she continued. "Donna would have castrated the entire male population if she could. She had been the object of ridicule most of her life and had developed a very hard crust. But she was very sympathetic to me and always willing to keep me company. Our friendship grew. We talked a great deal on the phone, shared homework, went to movies together. We never really talked about sex or how I was being treated. It was almost like a grade-school friendship, you know. Boys were still in the distance or considered competition.

  "She told me about her own failed romances when she was younger, and one thing led to another. I began revealing more about my experiences, and then one night, when she slept over, we, she..."

  "What?" I asked, unable to keep my curiosity under control.

  "She touched me, and it excited me, and then she touched me again, and then we kissed, and then it just happened. Neither of us talked about it afterward. We began sleeping at each other's homes more often, and for the first time in my life. I felt complete, uncomplicated, at ease. I slowly sank into my true self, and I guess I have Donna to thank."

  "What happened to her?"

  "I don't know. After high school, we kept in touch for a short while. Then she joined the army, and we drifted apart. I'm sure she found someone else, and that was fine. I wouldn't have wanted to have with her what I have with Brenda."

  She was quiet, just staring at the floor.

  "Peter is the first boy I have ever really thought about like that."

  I said. "Do you think that means anything?" I asked. "I mean, because it took me so long to have these feelings?"

  She shrugged. "If I've learned anything, April, it's that questions like that are not to be answered flippantly. Anyone who gives you an answer is just parroting some child psychology textbook."

  She patted me on the knee and stood up.

  "Let things just happen. What's meant to be will be." she said. "Are you sure you just want two eggs for dinner? There's this interesting new Thai restaurant I've discovered, and those dishes are very low in calories and fat if you order correctly. They're very tasty. too. You don't have to suffer on a diet, despite what Brenda says about no pain, no gain."

  "Okay," I said. smiling.

  After she had been so forthcoming with me. I felt foolish being petulant. Considering all that occupied Brenda's mind these days, I realized I was lucky to have Celia.

  "Good. I hate eating alone, and when your sister is involved in an event like this all-star game, she is horrible company. I might as well be sitting with a mannequin at dinner-- or anywhere, for that matter. If I hear how stupid this coach's strategy is or how obvious his plays are one more time. I'll go down to the gymnasium and kill him myself," she said.

  I laughed.

  "Come in when you're ready, and we'll go to dinner," she said at the door.

  "I asked Peter to join us at the game," I told her. "Oh?"

  "Brenda still has extra tickets, doesn't she?"

  "Far as I know, she does. You'll have to check with her and make sure she didn't give any to her old teammates. He's going, then?"

  "Unless he thinks I'm an idiot and he doesn't want to have anything to do with me."

  She shrugged, "If he does, he does, and that's that." she said. She peered hard at me. "You move on. April. You don't dwell on failures and regrets."

  "Everyone says that in one way or another." I replied, thinking about the advice Peter's grandfather had given him.

  "Then it must be true," Celia told me, and left.

  I chose something to wear, washed my face, and brushed my hair so it looked like something, and then hurried across the yard to meet her and go to dinner. At dinner, she talked more about her own youth, some of the funnier things that had happened to her, the friends she had in college before Brenda, and her ambitions.

  The wall that I had been building between myself and Celia began to crumble. It was horrible to think it, but in some ways. I was beginning to appreciate her more than my own sister. She appeared to notice it as well and told me she wished I would think of her as her new sister.

  "We've got to remember that we only have each other now. It's you, me. and Brenda against the rest of the world, and you know what?"

  "What?"

  "We're going to do just fine. All of us." she said.

  She reached across the table to squeeze my hand gently and smiled.

  Brenda was in a small rage when she returned home after her practice. She said the coach had her boxed in with his stupid plays. He was favoring a girl from his own team. Charlotte Johnson.

  "She's good, but she's not as good as I am," Brenda declared. "In just about every play he's designed, she finishes with the shot. I'm sorry I agreed to play in this game." "I'm sure you'll do fine." Celia said.

  "Aren't you listening to me? I hate playing under this man," she snapped back at Celia.

  "She's only trying to make you feel better about it. Brenda," I said.

  Brenda raised her eyebrows. "Oh,' she said. "Thank you. Dr. Taylor."' She looked at Celia. "You're beginning to rub off on people," she told her, and went into the bedroom.

  "Don't worry about it," Celia said. "She'll calm down. She often goes through these sorts of tantrums right before the big game. It's pressure. Afterward, she'll hate herself for the way she was. I'll go talk to her," she said. rising.

  "Don't forget about the tickets." I called.

  After a few more minutes of television, which was really like a light bulb with moving shadows to me at the moment. I rose, too, and went to my apartment.

  Brenda was calmer in the morning. Celia had asked her about the tickets, and she told me she had one for Peter.

  "Let me know today for sure," she said. "Otherwise, I want to give it to Paula Grassman, one of my teammates."

  "Okay," I said.

  I looked for Peter during the school day and understood why it was always hard to find him between classes. He rushed out of his and was the first to enter the next class all the time. Other students lingered in the hallways, talking and socializing until the bell rang, and then rushed to their rooms before the late bell sounded thirty seconds later. He was on a different corridor most of the day. so I couldn't get into the hallway fast enough to catch him.

  Lunchtime, however, I found him at his tree. I said. He glanced at me.

  "Hi," he replied, turning his attention back to the sky. "I didn't have any nightmares last night," I told him. He looked at me to see if I was being serious,

  "Of course. I didn't have any the night before. either," I added, and he laughed.

  "Then we'll have to wait to see if it works for you or not." he said.

  I sat beside him and opened my brown bag. "Same lunch?"

  "It's no secret I'm trying to lose weight," I told him. "I've been trying to do that for a long time. Every time I lose a few, I gain them back,"

  "You need to follow the medicine wheel," he said. What's that?"

  "Everyone has four aspects to his nature. North is the physical realm: East is what we call the realm of knowledge, enlightenment: South is the spiritual realm: and West is the realm of introspective thought. When you walk the steps of your recovery, you choose a starting point and continue in a sunrise direction back to your origin. A circle has no true beginning or ending, so when you have traveled through the wheel back to where you started, you begin again, but with new understanding. It's something you do all your life.'

  "I don't understand how it works," I said.

  He turned and drew a circle in the sand where I had drawn the chess board.

  "The North is a place of beginning because it is a place of rebirth. You make a decision here to stop abusing your body.

  First, you have to recognize that you are damaging yourself. You can't do this until you see the connection between your physical and emotional self. You abuse yourself because you are angry inside. Attack this anger."

  I nodded. "Yes. I am angry inside. How do I stop it?'

 
"Go to the East, the morning direction. Tell yourself you are worthwhile, that you have been given a sacred gift, life, and you have a right to be you. You need to find a balance between yourself and others, a harmony. Once you are aware of ghat is causing you to abuse yourself and others, you can begin' to stop it.

  "Look to the South," he said, nodding at the sky. "Recognize that there is a power greater than us. Turn to it for help. You must connect inside with yourself, with the most private part of you, and admit to your fears, your desires and emotions. This way, you will care for your own spirit.

  "When you look to the West, you will see that the path to recovery, to your solving your problems, comes when you admit to yourself that no one can change you but you. In the end, you're responsible for yourself."

  "Have you done this, traveled the wheel?"

  "Yes. and I'm traveling it now," he said. He unbuttoned his shirt and showed me a medallion he wore around his neck.

  My grandfather gave me this." he said. "This is a traditional medicine wheel." He turned it over. "On the back is a prayer to the Great Spirit."

  I didn't understand it, of course. "What is the prayer?"

  "This is a four-wind medallion. It says, 'Whose voice I hear in the wind.'"

  "I wondered how you dealt with all your problems," I said. He closed his shirt.

  "Oh? So, how have I done it?" he asked.

  "By being comfortable with who you are." I said, and he smiled.

  "Start your own journey, April."

  He went back to his sandwich, and I bit into my apple.

  "Oh," I said. "My sister does have a ticket to the all-star game for you. Will you go?"

  "I will go." he said.

  "Good. I'll pick you up. I mean, we'll pick you up. Celia and I. She's really very nice. I've decided."

  He laughed. "That's good."

  We sat eating quietly. The first bell rang, and we rose to go into the building.

  "I'11 see you at chess," I said.

  He nodded and walked off to his class. I stood watching him for a moment and then turned to go to mine. Dolores and her friends were grinning at me again. I smiled back at them.

  I'd already learned a lesson from Peter Smoke. If I'm comfortable withwho I am, I thought, they'll never be able to hurt me.

  Peter and I had another good session. I was surprised myself at how much I remembered and some of the ideas I had for moves. I saw he was pleased. He didn't want me to take him home after school. however. He had other things to do that day for his aunt. We parted in the parking lot with plans to meet for lunch again. I told him what time I would be by to pick him up for the basketball game, and he made me reassure him that it was all right.

  For the first time since we had left Hickory, I felt excited and happy. I was determined to travel the medicine wheel, too. Neither Celia nor Brenda was home yet. I changed into a jogging suit and went on a run. I nearly got lost because I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. This time. when I arrived home and Brenda and Celia were there, they were both pleasantly surprised, especially Brenda.

  "You started doing something intelligent without my telling you or nagging you," she said.

  "I'm turning north," I said.

  "Huh?" She looked at Celia to see if she understood. Celia shook her head. "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "You'll see," I said, and went to shower and change for dinner. Now that I had begun this circle, I hoped I would finish.

  16 The Big Game

  . Peter and I had another good conversation at lunch, and this time, we went inside early enough for him to walk me to my classroom. After school. I took him home and then hurried home myself to prepare for what I considered now to be our first date. Celia was already giving Brenda her massage. Only Celia appeared to notice or care how excited I was about bringing Peter to the game. Brenda left first. She never ate much before a game. and I didn't want to eat much. either. My stomach was swirling, and I felt as if I had swallowed a hive of crazed bees.

  I showered and washed my hair. While I was working on some makeup. Celia came to the door and surprised me with a tray of cheese and crackers and a glass of white wine for me as well as herself.

  "A little can't hurt you." she said when she saw how astonished I was. "It will relax you. I know you're nervous. You're worried about making a good impression, hitting it off. First social occasions are always the most testy. Unless, of course, you've already established same intimacy with Peter," she added, studying my reaction.

  "We're just friends right now," I said. "Good. You're not sure if it will turn out to be

  something more. It's natural." She handed me the wine. I sipped some and nibbled on a cracker and cheese while she sat on the tub and watched me decide how to wear my hair and do my face. She began to make suggestions. Except for Mama's occasional coaching. I had no one to guide me about my looks. Brenda never wore makeup and always kept her hair short.

  "You have some very nice features. April," Celia said. "You have to learn how to highlight them, how to emphasize your eyes, for example."

  "What do you mean?" She took the eyeliner and mascara out of my hands and had me sit on the tub while she worked on my face. As she put on my makeup and chose what she thought was the right shade of lipstick for my complexion, she lectured about cosmetics. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her how she knew so much about it and why all this was important to her if she wasn't interested in boys, but once again, she anticipated my questions.

  "The truth is, we look good for ourselves. It makes us feel better and more confident about ourselves. Girls who dress and fix their faces just to please boyfriends are often not true to who they really are inside. It's like putting on a mask as far as they're concerned. They might have a boyfriend who hates their hair one way, even though that way really enhances their looks. I guess the trick is not to see yourself as someone else sees you but how you, yourself, see yourself. Does that make sense?"

  "Yes," I said, thinking about Peter and the medicine wheel. "You have to be comfortable with who you are,"

  "Exactly. There," she said. "But before you look in the mirror, let me pluck these eyebrows a bit. You've never trimmed them?"

  "No." I waited while she did it, and then she said. "Okay, look in the mirror, and tell me what you think."

  I stood up and gazed at myself. There was nothing I could do about my chubby cheeks. and I hated the way my nose looked so swollen because of the extra weight I carried, but Celia had done wonders with me. I never thought I could look glamorous, but the makeup did draw attention to my eyes, and somehow. I didn't look as obese as I felt. Do I dare think of myself as pretty ? I wondered.

  "There is an attractive girl in there. April. You've got to get down to her," she said.

  Perhaps nothing else that was ever said to me, all the warnings and threats Brenda lay on me, for example, all the pleadings in Mama's eyes, all the nasty things Daddy had said during his Mr. Hyde days, had as much effect on me as Celia's words. Yes,

  I've got to get down to myself I've got to let myself out from under all this fat.

  "Thank you," I told her.

  She smiled and hugged me. I felt I had a friend, a real girlfriend. She even followed me into my little apartment to help me choose what to wear. I always favored black because of how much thinner I looked when I wore it. Celia was hesitant about it. She didn't like anything I had in black.

  "Nothing does your figure any good." she said.

  "What figure?" I asked. smirking.

  "You'll see," she said. "Just a minute."

  She ran out and returned with a light black sweater with a deep V-neck collar she said would be attractive with my black skirt. She brought along a pair of gold teardrop earrings and a pearl necklace she thought would complement the clothes.

  Normally. I was very shy and self-conscious about anyone seeing me undressed. but Celia seemed not to notice my bulges. Her interest was solely in what made me more attractive.

  "You're
not wearing the proper bra," she decided when I was down to my bra and panties. "When was the last time you bought one?"

  "I don't know. A few months ago, maybe more like six months ago."

  "You've developed since. That's for sure," she said.

  "Here's a way to test." She put her finger on the cleavage area of my bra and pressed. "See how my finger bounces in and out. The cups are too small."

  She ran her finger along, the front edges of my bra and down the seams of my arm. I felt a tingle shoot through my body to my spine, but I didn't wince,

  "You have bulges all along here. April, and it's not only because of excessive weight. You've out grown this. Damn, you should have let someone know so we could have taken you for some new

  undergarments. I hate those loose-fitting bloomers, too. They belong on old ladies. We're going shopping tomorrow, but for now..."

  "What for now?"

  "I'm going to lend you one of my older bras. It'll fit you. I'll be right back." she said, and hurried out again.

  When she returned, she brought a black. strapless Wonder Bra.

  "Go on," she said when she saw my hesitation. "Try it on." I unfastened my bra and slid it off my shoulders and arms.

  "Didn't you notice these stretch marks?" she asked me as I made the change and she studied my bosom. "You're really developing quickly. April. You've neglected yourself," she said, brushing her hand over my hair and cheek. "It's not your fault. though. You've been through so much. For a long time, you've really been alone. Go on. Put on my bra,"

  I did as she said and then looked at myself in the small mirror above the sink. The bra lifted my breasts and made my bosom looked twice as big. She came up beside me and handed me the sweater. When I put it on, my cleavage showed deeply in the V-neck collar. Wasn't that too revealing?

  "Very attractive," Celia said before I could ask.

  "I don't think Brenda's going to like it. I said. It did make me feel quite self-conscious.

  "Brenda is too occupied with Brenda to even notice," she replied. "And you're not Brenda. You're you. C'mon, finish dressing. We have to get started and pick up your date,"