April Shadows

  Finally, the phone rang. We all jumped inside our own bodies. It was as if a bomb had gone off. Mama leaped out of her seat and went to the phone in the kitchen. Brenda and I rose and went to the passthrough window to listen.

  "But why didn't you call me. Matt? I've been worried sick about you."

  She listened some more.

  "I don't understand." she said, her voice finally permitting some anger to show. "You could have had John call for you. You've done that before. I don't understand." she repeated. "The three of us are just sitting here like idiots waiting on pins and needles. I don't care. Do what you want," she concluded, and hung up abruptly.

  She must not have realized we were standing by the pass- through window. We saw her press her forehead against the wall phone, and then we saw her shoulders start to shake.

  "Mama!" I cried, and ran around first to hug her.

  Brenda followed, her aims folded, and stood by as Mama turned to embrace me.

  "What did he say. Mama?" Brenda asked, her face glowing with rage.

  "He said...," she began between deep breaths and sobs. "He said they had a crisis with a case, and he went to Memphis to meet with attorneys. He said the meetings are continuing, and he will remain in Memphis overnight for a hearing in the morning in federal court about some bankruptcy motion or another,"

  "Why didn't he call to tell us?" Brenda followed.

  "He said he didn't realize he would be so involved so long."

  "Doesn't he still have a watch on his wrist?" Brenda pursued.

  Mama nodded and then continued to cry. "Go finish your dinner," she said waving us away.

  "I'm not hungry."

  "Me, neither." I said.

  "I'll help put it away," Brenda told her, and urged me to leave Mama be.

  "Why is he being so inconsiderate?" I asked Brenda when we returned to the dining room.

  "I don't know, and I don't care. When I see him. I'm going to let him know it, too,' she said.

  After we cleaned up. I tried to keep Mama company, but she shooed me away and told me to do my homework. She didn't watch television or do any of the things she usually did in the evening. Instead, she went to bed early herself. It broke my heart to see her bedroom door close. I knew she was crying and feeling miserable. Now, more than ever, I hoped and prayed Uncle Palaver would bring some of his magical rainbows into our lives.

  Mama was up before Brenda and me in the morning. It wasn't hard to see she had cried herself to sleep, but she fought back depression and tears and talked only about Uncle Palaver's impending arrival.

  "Probably, you should just remain at school. April," she told me. "The game is at four, right. Brenda?"

  "Yes, Mama. She can hang out with me," she said.

  Actually, that idea excited me. I wanted to hang out with the junior and senior girls. Just listening to them talk about themselves and their social lives was entertaining. I had done it a few times before and felt like a fly on the wall, hearing about this one's romance and that one's breakup. They had no inhibitions when it came to talking about their sexual behavior, either. Girls who had shared experiences with the same boy made shocking comparisons, rating this one and that one for his love powers, as they called it. I noticed how Brenda ignored them and made no comments at all, even when some of the girls told her some boy had expressed interest in her.

  "I can fix you up any time you'd like." Shelby Ohm told her. Brenda glanced at her and shook her head.

  Brenda wasn't that close with any of the girls in her class. She rarely attended any of their parties. Her social life was built completely around her sporting events. Occasionally, on weekends, she joined two other girls who were her teammates and went on hikes or long bike rides.

  She went out on a date once in a while, but she hadn't met anyone she said she liked or with whom she would go on a second date, and as far as I knew, she had yet to go out on a single date this school year. She did attend pep rally dances, and Mama was hoping she would attend the junior prom. She talked about it with Brenda often, recalling her own highschool social life. She loved to show us her pictures, especially the ones taken during her prom. Although Brenda listened politely, she didn't seem to be at all excited about it. Her only interest in boys these days, in fact, was in beating them at various sporting events. On more than one occasion, I heard boys teasing each other by saving. "Brenda Taylor could whip your ass," in whatever sport they meant.

  I heard them say other things about her, too, nasty things, and some even teased me with comments like "What's your sister do for sexual excitement, sit on fire hydrants?"

  I fled from their laughter and smiles, my heart pounding. How I wished Brenda had a romance and could wipe those smirks off their faces. I wished it for her more than I wished it for myself. In my heart of hearts. I thought I wouldn't ever have a boyfriend until I lost weight. I made the mistake of telling that to Jamie Stanley once. She thought a moment, and then, as if she were afraid I would have a boyfriend before she did, she said. "You probably will never lose weight. You're afraid of having a boyfriend."

  Was I?

  Could such a thing be true? I wished I had someone I could ask. I was afraid to ask Mama, afraid I would make her think less of me, and I had never had any such conversation with Brenda.

  Despite all the distraction and worry- that hovered about me all day. I knew I did well on the social studies quiz. I was as attentive as could be in Mr. Leshman's class as well and tried to look repentant and sorry. He had my written apology on his desk, but he said nothing more about it. The only interest any of my classmates had in my unfortunate episode was to hear how mean Dean Mannville had been to me. I could see they were disappointed in my description, and soon no one wanted to know anything more.

  Brenda let me sit with her and her two teammates with whom she usually sat at lunch. Nicole Lawford and Natalie Brandon, both girls almost as tall as she was. The importance of the upcoming tame was all they talked about. They had to win to stay in contention for the league title. Their entire

  conversation was about the best and the weakest server on their team and how they would try to work off one another for offense. Although it was boring to me and nowhere near as interesting as the usual locker-room gossip. I tried to look interested.

  At the end of the day. I joined Brenda again in the gym and followed her to the locker room. None of the other -iris took much notice of me. I sat on a bench and watched Brenda change. Although she hadn't said anything more about Daddy, I was sure she was thinking the same thing I was: Would he appear at the game with Mama and Uncle Palaver?

  I watched Brenda and her teammates limber up for the Death Match, as they called it, and then, with them. I observed the arrival of the opposing team. The girls on that team seemed bigger and older. I knew from listening to Brenda and her teammates talk that they, like our team, were undefeated. I was caught up in the excitement and for a while didn't think about Daddy at all.

  The crowd of supporters for both sides began to arrive at about three-thirty, and the gym started to fill up quickly. I was nervous about finding good seats for Mama. Uncle Palaver, me, and maybe Daddy. It was hard to save that many spots in the bleachers. Finally. Mama arrived with Uncle Palaver at her side but without Daddy. My heart did a flip-flop, happy to see Uncle Palaver but so disappointed in Daddy's failure to appear.

  "Look at her!" Uncle Palaver exclaimed as soon as he saw me. "You grew a foot since I saw you last."

  "Did not," I said. "At least not upward.'

  He laughed and hugged me. I looked carefully at Mama to scrutinize her face. She was smiling, but there was an emptiness in her eyes that chilled my spine.

  "Where's Daddy?" I asked her.

  "We'll see him later," she replied, and glanced quickly at Uncle Palaver, who slapped his hands together as we sat, him in between us. He rubbed his palms, and when he lifted them apart, there was a girl's wristwatch in his left palm. It had a circular face with little hearts that popped in and out. br />
  Mama laughed.

  "I'll be doggone," Uncle Palaver said. "What's this?" He plucked the watch out of his palm and held it up. "Must be yours," he said, turning to me. "Try it on." It fit tightly on my wrist, but I pretended it didn't matter.

  "Thank you. Uncle Palaver," I said.

  He sat back and pulled in his jaw. "I didn't give it to you. I have no idea how it got there," he said.

  We heard a whistle blow. The teams were introduced. Brenda looked our way and saw Daddy wasn't there. I noticed the way her shoulders hoisted when she turned away. Anger had replaced pain and disappointment. What she was able to do, however, was place all that fury into her game. When she spiked the ball over the net, it looked as if it would drill a hole in the floor. The crowd watched her in wonder, and the applause began to build and build, our side's cheering voices drowning out the

  opponents' supporters. In awe and amusement, Uncle Palaver watched Brenda play.

  "Don't get on that girl's bad side." he said when she stopped the opponents' lead player from delivering a return. The ball bounced off the poor girl's head and she fell on her rear end. The laughter embarrassed her and affected the rest of her game. Brenda was intimidating.

  We had a hard-fought but sweet victory, and there was no doubt in anyone's mind that it was all because of Brenda. I could see the pain in Mama's eyes because Daddy hadn't been there to see her play. Uncle Palaver tried his best to make up for it, lavishing praise on Brenda. He tried to cheer her up by plucking a watch for her, too, this time out of her own closed fist.

  "How did you do that?" she cried. laughing. Uncle Palaver shrugged.

  "I didn't do anything," he said. "I saw it peeking out between your fingers. That's all."

  For a while, we were all distracted. On the way home, he talked about his latest trip and some of the shows he and Destiny put on. They had been part of a variety show last week, and he said there were jugglers and acrobats like he had never seen.

  "And there was this dog that could understand words. I swear. He knew colors, numbers. It was incredible. Now, that's magic." he told us.

  "When am I ever going to meet Destiny?" Mama asked him.

  "Oh, one of these days our schedules will coincide," he replied quickly.

  "Maybe she's another one of Uncle Palaver's illusions," Brenda quipped.

  Uncle Palaver laughed, but he sounded more nervous than usual.

  It wasn't until we arrived at the house that Brenda actually asked after Daddy.

  "He said he was stuck in court all day," Mama said. "We'll start dinner without him, because he could be very late," she added.

  Brenda looked at me and then at Uncle Palaver, whose eyes told her he was worried about Mama.

  "Well, not to worry." Brenda said. "We have Uncle Palaver. He could make Daddy appear whenever we want him to, right. Uncle Palaver?"

  "Right, honey," he said. but I could see he didn't want to linger on that topic. "'What a game you played. I was very proud of you."

  "Thanks." she said. She flashed a smile and headed for her room to change for our wonderful dinner. Maybe no one else could tell, but I could from the way she walked and held her shoulders and her head: pain and disappointment had won back their position in her heart and pushed anger away.

  She was crying inside again. Drowning in her own sadness.

  Mama's dinner was so good, however, that we were all somewhat restored. Just as she was about to bring out our dessert, we heard the garage door go up. Daddy was home. I think we were all holding our breath. It was truly as if the world were made of thin glass and could all shatter in a moment, raining shards down upon us.

  Daddy appeared in the dining room doorway. I had been building my angry onslaught against him as well, but when I saw him, my darts suddenly lost their points, and my anger turned to fear and even sadness. I couldn't remember seeing him look so tired and so defeated.

  "Hi, Matt." Uncle Palaver said quickly.

  Daddy nodded. He looked at Mama a long moment, and then he looked at Brenda.

  "How did the game go?"

  "We won," she said without a smile.

  "Good. At least there's one victory in the house," he replied.

  "I kept everything warm for you. Matt," Mama said.

  "It's all right," he told her. "I had something on the road with Jack. I've got some things to do," he added, and walked down the hallway toward his home office.

  I was afraid to look back at Mama. Brenda had her eves down, burning holes in the table.

  "He's just tired. I guess." Uncle Palaver said. "I know what it's like to be working and traveling. Cuts down on your appetite something awful. Why, I've had days when I've eaten barely enough to qualify for one meat"

  "Maybe I need to be on the road. then," I muttered. "Daddy would like that."

  When I looked up. I was surprised at how cold and steely-eyed Brenda was. She was glaring at me so hard it made me cringe.

  "When you hate yourself," she said. "you'll end up hating everyone else as well. Don't let him do that to you."

  I could barely swallow. I looked at Mama, whose eyes were drowning. She rose quickly and began to take dishes into the kitchen. Brenda and I got up and started to help clear the table.

  "Hey, hold on there. Brenda," Uncle Palaver said when she reached for the bowl of couscous. He leaned over and lifted it slowly. There were two silver dollars under it. "I thought so,-' he said.

  Brenda shook her head and smiled. "Now, when did you do that?"

  "Me? I didn't do anything. Those must be for you two," he said.

  We laughed and continued to clear the table.

  "Later," Brenda whispered. "I'm going to ask him to throw a sheet over Daddy, mumble some mumbo jumbo, make this man we call Daddy disappear and bring back the father we once had. That will prove whether he's a really good magician or not."

  I smiled nervously. I couldn't deny that Daddy had become a stranger to us all. Brenda's wish was my wish, too, but as it turned out, we didn't need Uncle Palaver to make anyone disappear. Daddy decided to disappear entirely on his own.

  It happened that night. After dinner, the four of us went into the living room and Uncle Palaver continued to entertain us with some of his new sleight-of-hand tricks and some incredible card tricks, especially the one where he asked me to think about a card and then asked Brenda to pick it out of the deck, and she did. I really began to wonder if there was indeed magic involved. We were so distracted that we didn't notice for some time that Daddy had yet to come out of his office. Mama realized it first and went to see what he was doing. I followed to the living room doorway and watched her go down the hall. I saw she was surprised to find his office door locked. She knocked and called to him. He said something: she stood there a long moment, and then she returned to the living room.

  "He'll be right along," she told us_ forcing a smile onto her troubled face.

  Uncle Palaver continued to entertain us with stories about the different characters he had met on the road. He had performed on a number of college campuses, too, and Brenda was interested in what he had to say about them. She was beginning to consider colleges to attend, and foremost in her mind, of course, was what athletic opportunities they offered young women.

  I was the first to give in to a yawn, but it triggered everyone else. Uncle Palaver had gotten up very early and had traveled all day just so he could make Brenda's volleyball game. Mama admitted to being tired herself.

  "Tomorrow's Saturday." Mama said. "I'm sure Matt will have lots of time to spend with us all. Perhaps we'll go to lunch or maybe to dinner," she added, that little candle flame of hope still burning in her eyes.

  "Sure. He works hard," Uncle Palaver said. "We know now where Brenda gets her determination and dedication, huh?" he added, smiling at her.

  Brenda was not in the mood to be compared in any way to Daddy. She grimaced. "It seems to me the one with determination and dedication here is Mama," she told Uncle Palaver.

  He held
his smile. but I could see he was very upset as well. "Okay. Let's all have a good night's sleep," he said. "Nora, thanks for that wonderful dinner."

  He kissed her good night, and for a moment, a longer than usual moment. I thought, she clung to him. Then he kissed each of us and went to the guest room.

  "I'll go to bed soon," Mama told Brenda and me. We knew that meant she would wait for Daddy to come out of his office.

  "I'm going to have it out with him tomorrow," Brenda warned me at my bedroom door. "I'll try to get him away from Mama. When you see me do that, you keep her busy."

  "I should be with you," I said.

  "Don't worry about it. You'll be with me. He'll know it's not just me talking." she promised.

  "You were great today. Brenda. I was very proud of you."

  She smiled and hugged me. "It was easy." she said. "Every time I had to hit the ball. I just imagined Daddy's face on it."

  I thought she would smile or laugh after saving that, but she didn't. That, more than anything else that had happened during the Mr. Hyde days, made me feel sad and then afraid. Feeling so weighed down by the disappointments and tears. I went to bed thinking I would toss and turn, finding it impossible to get myself comfortable enough to sleep. Instead. I sank into the mattress. I hadn't realized just how exhausting all the emotional tension had been. To my surprise and delight. I fell asleep quickly.

  The sound of a door slamming, followed by a wail and the horrible rhythm of constant, loud sobbing woke me abruptly. For a moment. I thought I might be in a dream. I glanced at my clock and saw it was two o'clock in the morning. The light flowing under my doorway from the hall told me someone was wide awake. I rose quickly, slipped into my robe and my slippers, and went to the door. I saw immediately that Brenda was out of her room. Her door was wide open.

  I realized the sobbing was coming from the living room and hurried there. I was shocked to find Brenda. Mama. and Uncle Palaver also in their robes. Brenda and Uncle Palaver were seated beside Mama, who was looking down on the coffee table, where columns of papers were neatly arranged.