The Law of Similars

  "But she's going to give you something."

  "Yes."

  "What will it do?"

  "I think it will boost my body's immunity to things that cause asthma--sort of like a shot. Now, does that really sound 'New Agey' to you? It sounds pretty darn normal to me."

  "That's the Law of Similars?"

  "That's right."

  "Why don't they just call it immunization, in that case?"

  He'd rolled his eyes, irritated and defensive. "Look, I don't know that much about it. But it's not like this stuff is experimental. It may be 'alternative' in the eyes of a veterinarian or a doctor. But she says it's been around for almost two centuries."

  Jennifer told me a thought had passed through her mind at that moment, but she'd kept it to herself: Medicine isn't like wine. I don't want my pills carefully aged. I want the latest, freshest, newest stuff that they have.

  "So long as it won't make you worse..." was all that she'd said.

  Though the time would come soon enough when she would wish to God she'd said more.

  "You really should see a doctor," my boss was saying to me. "I know, I know. You have. See one again. Or see another."

  "I don't think there's a heck of a lot they can do," I said, swallowing the last of my cough drop so I could sip my coffee. Months ago I'd discovered it was no easy task to sip coffee with a cough drop in my mouth. Actually, the sipping part was easy. It was the enjoying part that was hard.

  "Not true. There's always something they can do. And, more important, there's always something you can do."

  "Think so?"

  "I do."

  Phil Hood never seemed to be sick. As far as I knew, the only time the man didn't come in to work was when he was on vacation with his children or, those days, his children and grandchildren. Three years earlier he'd become a grandfather for the first time, and evidently he'd liked the role so much he'd convinced his other two children, both daughters, to have babies as well.

  I had met the infants, and they looked nothing at all like Abby had when she'd been a baby: a nearly doll-like round face, a mouth almost always molded into a smile. This kid, Elizabeth had observed soon after Abby was born, just loves this world.

  Phil's grandchildren, on the other hand, were gargoyles. All of them. The oldest one, the one who was three, wasn't quite so repulsive anymore, but he still had the potential to grow into the Elephant Lad. Not literally, of course. Thank God. But the child's head was huge, and shaped like a beet.

  "First of all, you drink way too much coffee," Phil went on. "I'm sure that's part of the problem. You might just as well be pumping it into your system with an intravenous feed."

  When Phil had turned fifty a few years earlier, he'd given the stuff up completely. Gone cold turkey, replaced it with bottled water. It had seemed to me almost preternaturally easy the way Phil had learned to live without java.

  "Some of the cups are decaf," I said.

  "Poison," Phil said. "Pure and simple." Then he and his wife had gone vegan. No meat. No dairy. No doughnuts.

  "Oh, come on."

  "Really. The process often involves drenching those little brown buggers--the beans--in an extremely caustic chemical solvent. Your system has to cope with that."

  "I'm sure some of the decaf's been made with water."

  "It's still acid-forming. It's still putting a nightmarish burden on your kidneys. Your urinary tract." He paused, and I was about to respond, when he added, "Ever think of buying a dialysis machine? They're not cheap, but I'll bet it's the sort of thing you could rent to own."

  Behind Phil, in the lake in the window, I could see a ferry moving west across the water toward New York. It was the first of December. Although a warm front was about to arrive, eventually even this part of the lake would freeze solid.

  "I'll buy a snowblower first, thank you very much."

  "Does that shaman you call your physician know how much coffee you drink?"

  "That shaman's the primary-care physician I got with our health plan."

  "Oh, great. You're going to put your health in the hands of the state. Wise decision."

  "Phil, would you give it a rest?"

  "I just think you should take better care of yourself."

  "I appreciate that. But ever since you went out and decided to take care of your body and Margaret went out and married Dr. Strangelove, I can't go into either of your offices without getting a lecture about something. I'm afraid to open my mouth around either of you."

  "He's not a doctor."

  "Who?"

  "Margaret's husband. Garrick. He's a psychologist, not a psychiatrist."

  "I know that. It's just a nickname."

  "Not a very flattering one. I gather you don't like him."

  "I like him fine. I just find him a little uptight. Officious."

  "Officious..."

  "Inflexible. A real rule-maker."

  Phil swiveled in his chair and rested his wingtips on the radiator. There was snow on the mountains across the lake.

  "You know," Phil said, pressing the fingertips on both hands together. "There are those who would say the same thing about you."

  "About me?"

  "Absolutely. Leland Fowler, they'd say, shits in rows."

  "Nice, Phil." Ever since Phil had discovered natural health, he'd become, in my opinion, way too comfortable with feces.

  "See what I mean? You are an extremely uptight fellow. Probably even more uptight than Garrick."

  "That's not possible."

  "He's on the state board, you know."

  "The psychology board?"

  "Uh-huh."

  "Why am I not surprised?"

  "Most people think it's a great honor."

  "I'm sure."

  He turned back toward me. "Sometimes I think you're a very angry person."

  "Margaret's supposed to be telling me that. You're just supposed to criticize my eating habits."

  "See? You put everything into these little tiny boxes. Your life is too compartmentalized. Don't get me wrong: It's clear you're doing a great job with Abby. And you do very, very good work here. But you're still incredibly anal."

  Someday, I decided, I would find out who had set Phil and Barbara Hood on the road to better health. And then I'd kill him. I realized I'd been in Phil's office for close to half an hour and we still hadn't gotten to the litany of cases I needed to discuss. And now I was due in court to explain why some asshole--now, there was a colorful word I'd be sure to use around Phil the next time we had a chat--who'd blown 2.0 when he was picked up going the wrong way on I-89 shouldn't be allowed near the keys to his car ever again.

  "I'll work on that."

  "Oh, I know you won't. At least not yet. Sometimes it's hard to change."

  I considered informing Phil that I'd actually gone to see a homeopath, but telling him now would sound defensive. Besides, I couldn't bear to give him that much satisfaction; I couldn't imagine giving him the notion that Leland Fowler was now among the converted. He might think he had had something to do with it.

  "I have to run, Phil, I'm due in court. Will you be around later this morning?"

  "I expect so."

  "Can we connect then?"

  "Good chance."

  When I went to my office to get the files I needed on Derek Linder, the DWI King of Vermont, I saw a message from Carissa Lake. With any luck, Linder wouldn't keep me more than half an hour. For all I knew, I might have my remedy in forty-five minutes.

  Take that, Phil Hood, I thought. I've got myself a homey.

  I stopped by the coffee machine on my way back to my office. Most of the time I loved the fact that the state's attorneys worked in the same building with the state courtrooms, but there were occasional moments when I wished I had an excuse to escape the second and third floors of the illustrious Edward J. Costello Courthouse. I would have loved to have been flirting with Carissa Lake while sipping a decent cup of coffee, for example. Instead I was drinking the paludal muck someone
had brewed in our office two or three hours ago. Maybe longer. I wondered if I'd have to confess to my homeopath that I'd gone back on the juice.

  "How are you feeling?" she asked me. "Still emotionally wrung out?"

  "A little less so."

  "Good. I have some news for you."

  "You have my remedy?"

  "I do."

  "I've been dying to know. What is it?"

  There was a long beat at the other end of the line, and I began to hear in my mind the word tarantula. Shit. I'm going to have to eat a damn spider.

  "Do you have your calendar in front of you?" she asked, instead of answering my question.

  "I should be sitting down, shouldn't I? This is going to be one of those 'Are you sitting down?' kind of remedies, isn't it?"

  "There's no such thing."

  "So I'll like my remedy?"

  "That's not why I called. I called because I want to schedule an appointment to give you your remedy."

  "Won't you tell me what it is?"

  "I'd rather not. Sometimes it's better that way."

  "Tell me the truth: Are you going to make me eat a spider?"

  "That's not the issue. That's not why I'd prefer not going into the details of your cure."

  "Will you promise me that it won't be a spider?"

  "No."

  "Because it might be?"

  "Leland, you're the type who's either done some reading in that book I gave you or would do some once I told you the remedy. You'd look it up."

  "You've mistaken me for an informed consumer. Trust me, I'm not."

  "You're a lawyer!"

  "Sticks and stones..."

  She laughed briefly, but then went on, "Sometimes it's for the best that the patient doesn't know. Sometimes patients read more into the cure than is there. It affects their self-esteem."

  Even if this wasn't going to be an "Are you sitting down?" kind of remedy, I began to fear that the conversation had the potential to offer an "Are you sitting down?" kind of revelation. And so I sat down.

  "Go on," I said.

  "Some remedies treat a variety of symptoms. Some cure a variety of maladies. I don't want you to read into my choice something that isn't there."

  Impotence, I thought. She thinks I'm impotent.

  "What if I promise not to look up the cure?" I asked.

  "I want to schedule an appointment," she said, ignoring me. "I want you to come to my office for the remedy, and we can talk about it then."

  "The name of the remedy."

  "Right."

  "How's tonight?"

  "It's Friday."

  "Ah. Of course."

  "I mean, if you don't have plans, you could certainly drop by on your way home from Burlington."

  "Do you have plans?"

  "I may go to a large, loud party I have little interest in attending. I may not."

  "And you wouldn't mind giving me the remedy this evening?"

  "No, not at all. You're caffeine-free?"

  I paused, balancing my health and my horniness. At that moment, I decided, it was clear my horniness was more important. I could always regain my health when I wasn't drooling over every woman I met in the health-food store.

  Yet even as I opened my mouth to boast that I was caffeine-free, I couldn't bring myself to lie. Even when the image of Carissa Lake curled in her chair like a very long cat flashed before my eyes.

  "I got through yesterday without any coffee," I said. "But I had to have some this morning."

  "Work-related?"

  "I guess. And sleep-related. I didn't sleep well last night."

  "Any cough drops?"

  "Well, my throat has been sore," I said, sounding more like a six-year-old than I would have liked. I hadn't even realized I was supposed to avoid cough drops.

  "Let's plan on Monday, in that case. Try and go the weekend without coffee. Sunday may be hard, but at least you won't be at work. And Monday should be a breeze."

  I sighed. I'd have to go the weekend without seeing her. I'd have to go the weekend without knowing my cure. I'd have to go the weekend without coffee.

  "Okay."

  "Avoid cough drops, too--any product with menthol, in fact."

  "I'll try."

  "Would you like to come in before work? Maybe first thing in the morning, right after you drop off Abby at day care?"

  "Monday morning looks like chaos. After work might be better," I said.

  "Five-thirty?"

  I calculated that that would mean leaving the office by five or ten minutes of five. Doable. Not usually, of course. But for Carissa Lake? One time? Easy.

  "Five-thirty's good," I said. "Do you think you might be able to tell me the cure in person?"

  "Maybe. But more than likely I won't. At least I won't want to."

  "Okay."

  "It's supposed to be a lovely weekend, Leland. Treat yourself: Get outside."

  "I will."

  "And remember: no coffee."

  I looked at the Styrofoam cup on my desk. I couldn't wait to dump it down the sink.

  East Bartlett had been settled at the very end of the eighteenth century, but--unlike its contemporaries with names like Jericho and Chelsea and Bristol--no one had tried finding a few flat acres for a central green or town commons. They knew a few flat acres didn't exist.

  Instead they found three small hills that were somewhat less precipitous than the mountains nearby, and huddled there in their homes, raising sheep--and then cows and then nothing--on the rises around them, which may not have been literal mountains but were nevertheless about as steep as beginner ski slopes.

  If East Bartlett had been known for anything in recent memory, it had been known for dairy farming. As recently as 1946, the hill town of barely eight hundred people had forty-five dairy farms. By the time Elizabeth and I had moved there--a half-decade after the federal government's attempt to stabilize the price of milk by buying whole dairy herds from small farmers--there were five, and by the time Elizabeth died, there were none. Zero. The last herd went to auction the winter before the accident.

  On one of those three hills sat the closest thing East Bartlett had to an urban skyline: a church steeple, a weathervane atop the brick monolith that served as the town hall, a twelve-by-twelve roof of a gray general store, and a bell tower atop the volunteer fire company's two-bay garage.

  Abby and I lived about a third of a mile from the center, our house angled so that the village was visible from the den, a porch, and one of the windows in Abby's bedroom. Like most of East Bartlett, to get to work I drove down a winding, torturously thin road that linked the community with a wider, straighter two-lane state highway that in turn linked us with civilization: Bartlett to the immediate west, and Hinesburg, South Burlington, and--eventually--Burlington to the north. Most of East Bartlett either worked in Bartlett or commuted to Burlington.

  My favorite structure in the town was the church, and not just because the congregation that worshiped there had helped me through those months after Elizabeth died. The building itself had merit. It was small, but it had a deceptively high steeple, and the white clapboard additions along the north and south sides made the century-and-a-half-old church look a bit like a seagull with her wings folded underneath her.

  Since Elizabeth had died, I had become the congregation's most enthusiastic volunteer who absolutely, positively could not be counted upon. This had, I believe, nothing to do with what I have heard called a crisis of faith. Nevertheless, in the past year alone, I'd failed to get the garland and ribbons for Pentecost, I'd had to ad-lib every single one of my lines as a Capernaum rabbi during Vacation Bible School, and two days before Sunday school was due to begin, I'd bowed out after promising I'd be a teacher. One of the other state's attorneys had resigned, and--budgets being as tight as they were--I knew it was unlikely the position would be filled in the foreseeable future (or, to be realistic, in my lifetime). Which meant there would be more work for the rest of the attorneys, and less time for me to
figure out how to explain parables and plagues to a group of dubious seven-year-olds.

  And then, of course, there was that railing for the handicapped-access ramp. I'd volunteered to build it in April. It was now December. Human babies became viable in less time than it had taken me to get around to the project.