The Upside of Love

  “Sounds great, Lily. I had a great time. Let’s do coffee, lunch, or dinner.”

  “Definitely!” I smiled as I climbed into the Explorer and drove to Dr. Blakely’s office.

  “Come on in, Lily.” She smiled as she opened her office door. “Tell me what you’ve been doing since our last session.”

  I sat down in the oversized leather chair and brought my knees up to my chest.

  “I went back to Seattle and confronted Brynn and Hunter.”

  “Oh? How did that go?”

  “It went better than I expected. I didn’t break down or murder them like I thought I might. They explained that they didn’t do it to hurt me and that it was something that just happened. They tried to stop it but couldn’t because they loved each other. I finally realized that I was the middleman in bringing them together.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “It still hurts and I don’t think our relationship will ever go back to what it was. But, I can understand that when two people are supposed to be together in this life, nothing can tear them apart.”

  “Like you and Luke?” she asked.

  I wrapped my arms around my legs and looked at her.

  “By the way you’re sitting, it seems like you’re protecting yourself from something.”

  “Maybe I am.”

  “Tell me about Luke.”

  “He wants to talk and explain himself. He said he was sorry and he didn’t mean it. I won’t let him in. I don’t want to hear what he has to say.”

  “Why is that?” she asked.

  “Because I’m angry. So angry.”

  “Angry at what? What are you really angry about, Lily? The fact that he accused you of Callie’s death or the fact that he left you because of her?”

  I looked at her blankly and then lowered my head to my knees.

  “Lily? Am I right? Your father left you, so to speak, when he cheated on your mother. He left you physically and emotionally. Hunter left you when he cheated on you with Brynn. Now, Luke left you when he found out you were the one that gave him the tickets. His reason was because of Callie. It’s always been in the back of your mind that he still cared for her more than you and that him leaving because of something that involved her confirmed it for you that night.”

  I lifted my head and looked across the room. “Everyone that has been a vital part of my life has left me. My father, my biological mother, my fiancé, Luke. When he walked out that door and left me standing there, I felt like I had been prosecuted and he was the attorney that closed the case and walked out of the courtroom,” I said as the tears began to fall from my eyes. “He said that Callie would still be alive today if I hadn’t given them the tickets. At first, I was so scared that he would never forgive me and that he’d hate me. But then anger started to settle inside me.”

  She handed me a tissue. “It sounds to me like he realized what he did and how badly he hurt you. He wants to apologize and you won’t let him. Why is that? Do you want to hurt him like he hurt you? An eye for an eye? Or are you just protecting yourself from ever being hurt again? Because if you forgive him, then that would mean you run the risk of him hurting you or of you hurting him.”

  “Luke has already been hurt enough by me. I’ve caused him so much pain and heartache. If I let him back into my life, he’ll hurt more. Every time he looks at me, he’ll be reminded of how I was the one; that girl that caused Callie’s death. I love him too much to watch him go through that. So it’s best that I stay away.”

  “And there it is.” She smiled as she reached over and took hold of my hand. “You aren’t angry at Luke; you’re angry at yourself.”

  I nodded. She was right.

  “So you’re letting him go so you don’t cause him any more pain?”

  I nodded again.

  “Don’t you think that you should let Luke decide that? Are you being fair to him by letting him suffer two losses?”

  “Two?” I asked.

  “Yes. The loss of Callie and now you.”

  “He’ll be fine eventually. He doesn’t need to be reminded of what happened when he looks at me.”

  “Do you honestly think that’s how he feels?”

  “I think so.”

  “Well, I think you’re mistaken and you need to talk to him.”

  I got up from my seat when I noticed that we were thirty minutes over our allotted session time.

  “Thank you for seeing me, Dr. Blakely. I’ll give everything you’ve said consideration.”

  ****

  Luke

  Before I headed back to the bar, I set the bouquet of roses outside of Lily’s door. When I walked into my apartment, Gretchen was getting ready to leave.

  “Hey, Luke. You shouldn’t have.” She smiled.

  “Sorry, Gretchen. They’re for my mom.”

  “What did you do to your hand?”

  “I cut it over at Lily’s place while I was changing the furnace filter. It hurts like a bitch.”

  “Stiches?”

  “Yep, five.”

  “Ouch. Feel better. I have to run. I have my first photo shoot since the accident.” She smiled.

  “Congratulations. I’ll see you later.”

  I walked in the kitchen and pulled out a vase from the cupboard. I set the roses for my mom in some water to keep them fresh for tomorrow. I heard the door open and Gretchen walked back in.

  “Hey, you didn’t by any chance leave some roses for Lily, did you?”

  “Yeah. Those are from me. She drove me to the hospital and I wanted to thank her.”

  “Aw, she’ll love them.”

  “Or hate them and me for giving them to her.”

  “Stop being negative. She’ll come around. Time, Luke. Remember that.”

  I sighed because that was what everyone kept telling me. I hated time. I hated waiting. I craved her arms wrapped around me. I longed to hold her and to tell her how much I loved her.

  24

  Lily

  I stopped by the studio to drop off the majority of the equipment before I headed home. When I opened the door to the building, I saw a bouquet of roses sitting outside my door, wrapped in a pretty pink print paper. Attached was a card. As I picked up the roses and unlocked the door, I set my keys down and walked over to the table, where I pulled the card out and opened it.

  “Lily, thank you for taking me to the hospital this morning.

  I appreciate it.

  Love,

  Luke”

  I picked up the roses and smelled them. The fragrance was calming as I lightly touched the smooth petal that curled up with my finger, taking in their silky nap. They were beautiful, just like our relationship used to be. I took a vase from the cabinet and filled it with water, arranging the roses inside, one by one. I set the vase in the middle of the kitchen table and softly smiled as they brightened up my apartment, which had been nothing but dark and dreary lately. I needed to thank Luke for the flowers because I wasn’t the cold, heartless bitch that everyone seemed to think I was. I was protecting the one I loved. If you love someone, you’ll set them free. Isn’t that how it goes? I picked up my phone and sent him a text message.

  “You’re welcome and thank you for the beautiful roses. You shouldn’t have done that. It was unnecessary.”

  “You’re welcome and it was necessary. I hope you’ll keep them.”

  I tapped the camera button on my phone and snapped a picture of the roses in the vase and then sent it to Luke.

  “They look great on the table.”

  “They certainly do,” he replied.

  ****

  I didn’t roll out of bed until after nine a.m., when I was awakened by another nightmare, covered in sweat with my heart beating rapidly. Today was Charley’s birthday and party, and I needed to get ready to drive out to Luke’s parents’ house. I didn’t know what this day was going to bring emotion-wise, but I had to keep positive and happy for Charley. As soon as I stepped out of the shower, I heard my phone ri
nging. I grabbed it from the nightstand in my bedroom and saw that Luke’s mom was calling. My stomach did a sick flip.

  “Hello,” I answered nervously.

  “Hi, sweetheart. It’s Annie.”

  “Hi, Annie. How are you?”

  “I’m doing okay. Listen, the reason why I’m calling is because I want to tell you how happy Tom and I are that you’re coming to Charley’s party today.”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  “I wanted to make it very clear that no matter what’s going on between you and Luke, it doesn’t affect how we feel about you. We don’t want you to feel out of place or awkward in our home. You’re just as welcome and loved here as anyone else.”

  Hearing her say those words to me was comforting. I was nervous about seeing them and not knowing how they felt about the situation.

  “Thank you, Annie. That really means a lot.”

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart. We’ll see you later. Bye.”

  “Bye.” I hung up and felt a little more at ease.

  ****

  I pulled up into the driveway of Tom and Annie’s house and grabbed the bottle of wine that I had stopped and picked up on the way. Before getting out of the Explorer, I took in a deep breath and tried to calm my knotted, sick-feeling stomach. This wasn’t going to be easy. I walked up to the door with perfect composure and lightly knocked. After a few moments, Annie opened the door and hugged me.

  “Thank you for coming, Lily.”

  “This is for you.” I smiled as I handed her the wine.

  “Oh, you’re such a doll. Thank you.”

  “Hi, Lily.” Adam smiled as he walked over and lightly hugged me.

  “LILY!” Charley exclaimed as she came running from the kitchen and threw her arms around me.

  “Happy birthday, Charley.” I smiled as I picked her up and kissed the tip of her nose.

  I put her down and she took my hand and led me to the kitchen, which was decorated with birthday signs and balloons.

  “Lily, it’s so good to see you.” Tom smiled as he hugged me.

  “It’s good to see you too, Tom.”

  Luke was bent over in the refrigerator and turned around and looked at me. He gave me a small smile, twisted the cap off his beer, and then went outside to the patio. Not too long after, Gretchen and Sam showed up.

  “How did the photo shoot go?” she asked.

  “It was amazing. I loved every minute of it.”

  “Hey, Lily,” Sam said as he walked over and kissed my head. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I smiled with uncertainty.

  I asked Maddie if she could come into the kitchen and I handed her the box that contained the photos of Charley.

  “Here; these are for you.”

  She smiled as she carefully took off the lid and gasped when she saw the pictures of Charley.

  “Lily, these are beautiful. Oh my God. Look at our little girl, Adam.”

  “Wow, Lily.” He smiled as he looked at them.

  Luke walked in from the patio and came over to see what we were all looking at.

  “Lily, those are wonderful pictures. Look at how cute Charley is.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “How’s your hand?”

  “It’s so-so. It still hurts a little.” He smiled as he put his hand on the small of my back and walked away. I froze. It was only for a mere second, but it felt like his touch was imprinted into my skin. I sat down on the patio next to Gretchen while Maddie, Sam, and Luke helped the kids with the party games. I couldn’t stop staring at him and the way he was with the kids.

  “You okay?” Gretchen asked.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Because you seem to be in a daze and staring at Luke. I know how much you love him, so why are you fighting it? Just work things out with the man. How long are you going to let this go?”

  “It’s complicated, Gretchen. You don’t understand.”

  “What’s complicated about two people who are deeply and madly in love working things out? Luke wants you back. He told me so.”

  “He thinks he wants me back,” I said with a tear in my eye.

  “What do you mean by that, Lily?”

  I got up from my chair and looked down at her. “It means exactly how it sounds. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get another drink.”

  I walked into the house. Annie was getting Charley’s birthday cake ready.

  “Is there anything I can do to help, Annie?”

  “No, sweetheart. Just sit back and enjoy yourself.” She smiled.

  Enjoy myself. How the hell was I supposed to enjoy myself when I was nothing but miserable. It took everything I had to come and be with Luke’s family. The party was a huge success and Charley was happy. That was all that mattered. I took my margarita that Tom had made for me and stepped back out onto the patio. The only seat available was one next to Luke. I took in a deep breath and sat down.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I replied.

  “The party was a success and Charley seemed to have a great time,” he said.

  “It was a great party.”

  As we sat there in awkward silence, Luke reached over and touched my hair. I looked at him and he smiled.

  “Sorry. You had a small leaf in your hair.”

  “Thanks,” I said as I ran my hand through my hair.

  Now when I looked at him, the only thing that my mind would think was how much he resented me for everything that happened. He only thought he wanted us back together, until he realized that he couldn’t be around me every day and night because I would be the constant reminder of what happened to Callie. Just like I was the constant reminder to my mother about my father’s affair.

  25

  Luke

  It had been a week since Charley’s party and I hadn’t seen Lily. But then again, I hadn’t been coming home from the bar until the middle of the night. Lucky and Giselle were bringing the baby home next week, so Sam and I decided to get the nursery ready for them. Gretchen wanted to help, but she had to go out of town for a photo shoot. Lucky wasn’t very handy, and we didn’t trust him with paint and putting together the furniture. It was a Saturday afternoon and we were going to start painting. Giselle had all the colors picked out before she went into labor and had the paint delivered. So all we needed to do was get it up on the walls. We had just arrived and were laying down the plastic on the floor when we heard someone walk through the door.

  “What are you two doing here?” Lily asked.

  “Painting,” Sam replied. “What are you doing here?”

  “I picked up some things for the baby, so I thought I’d drop them off. Plus, I was going to clean up around here. I didn’t know anyone else would be here.”

  “Surprise,” I said.

  She walked away and Sam’s phone beeped.

  “Ah, shit. I gotta go, bro. Work needs me. Apparently, there’s a big problem with one of the accounts.”

  “What?! It’s Saturday, man.”

  “I know. Sorry. I’ll try to get it worked out and come back,” he said as he walked out the door.

  I shook my head as I poured some paint in the paint tray and Lily walked in.

  “Where did Sam go?”

  “Work. Something happened with one of his accounts.”

  “Oh.”

  I rolled the paint on the wall and Lily stood there, staring at me.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked.

  “Since Sam had to leave, I can help you paint if you want.”

  “Nah. I’m fine.”

  “I can paint, you know.”

  “I never said you couldn’t.”

  “You refusing my help tells me that you think I can’t paint a wall.”

  “Where are you getting that from? That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Good. Then I can help.”

  I sighed. “There’s an extra roller over there. Be my guest.”

  I found myself having a little bit of an attitude with
her because being in the same room with her, especially after not seeing her for a week, killed me. We still never talked about that night. She wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to do anymore to try and get her to listen to me. Sometimes, I felt like I just needed to give up, but the thought destroyed me.

  ****

  Lily

  He was Mr. Attitude today. Was I surprised? No. I hadn’t seen him for a week and it was the one of the longest weeks of my life. But then again, I wasn’t home much. I spent my days and most nights at the studio, editing the pictures from the photo shoot for Prim. I had delivered the photos to Adalynn and she loved them and immediately booked my services for another shoot next month. Things in my career zone seemed to be moving forward, but my personal life stayed at a miserable standstill. Silence filled the room. The only significant sound that was heard was the sticky noise of the paint being rolled on the walls.

  “Are you going to be able to paint with your hand like that?” I asked.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  Luke put down his paint roller and turned on the radio. The song that was on was ending and “Don’t Fear the Reaper” began to play. That was the tune I heard Luke playing on his guitar that one night.

  “This was one of Dad’s favorite songs. He used to sing and play it all the time. I always wondered about the meaning behind it.”

  “It’s about eternal love,” Luke said.

  “Oh. Then, clearly, my father wasn’t thinking about my mother when he would sing it.”

  Luke laughed. “Lily!”

  “What?” I smiled as I turned around and looked at him.

  He stared at me for a moment, looking for something to say. “I’m hungry. Are you?” he asked.

  “A little.”

  “How about we order some pizza and take a break. The first coat is going to have to dry before we can put on the second coat anyway.”

  “Pizza sounds good.” I smiled.

  “The usual?” he asked as he pulled out his phone.

  “Yeah. The usual.”

  For the first time since that life-altering night, my stomach wasn’t twisted in a knot. It felt somewhat normal and I didn’t know what to think. As Luke called in our pizza order, my phone beeped with a text message from Sam.