Smash Into You

  I looked back at Marley. She was already looking at me. I turned back to the suit.

  "Move. Let us through or your precious doctor paints the walls." I moved the gun to his temple. He whimpered.

  "I'm sorry, Charles," he said. I realized he was talking to the doctor. "I can't risk the entire program for one man."

  My arms spread with goosebumps at how calm his voice was.

  "Paul," the doctored reasoned, "come now. Just let them go and all is fine."

  "I can't let him go. Any of them. They all know too much."

  Marley gasped, getting his meaning. The doctor pleaded, "You need me! You know you do."

  "You're right. I do. And the program will suffer for a while until we find a replacement for you and all the test subjects, but…" He shrugged and stepped back. He pulled an old silver flip lighter from his pocket and lit it. The two guards with him pulled small, red cans from the side and began to pour. Gasoline… "It's what we have to do to keep things going. For the greater good."

  "Shoot him, you fool!" the doc yelled at me.

  "I shoot, we all go up in flames."

  "Paul!" he screamed. "Paul, don't do this. I have a daughter!"

  He smiled sadly at him. "Don’t we all."

  The lighter fell in slow motion, it seemed. I let the doc go because it was pointless anymore.

  The fatal liquid had created a wall of fire between them and us and then started to run for us as it chased the gasoline. I saw the suit swing out the door, leaving us all to our deaths.

  We ran. The doctor took off, leaving us all, but Marley and I both had the same idea.

  We couldn't leave the kids by the observation room. We ran to the cove of doors, all of them open from the alarms just like the others had been, but the kids had been too scared to leave their rooms. They joined us in the hall with some urgent coaxing. We hadn't made any mother-child reunions though because they all seemed like they didn't know each other. I shook my head. I had hoped, but that meant…their mothers were gone.

  But that would have to wait until later.

  "Come on!" I yelled to them and we took off down the hall. Every hall reached a dead end and as the fire spread into the rooms and ceiling, our oxygen started to become scarce. The last hallway we hadn't been down was our last hope. I led the way, the adrenaline kicking in, keeping me focused, my head injury forgotten.

  There were no windows, no access to the roof from ceiling panels because it was concrete, no doors that led anywhere but circles of more rooms… We were trapped. They had known that was the only way out and we'd never leave. Their secrets would die with us all, along with their evidence and their files.

  Everyone must have seen my defeated look, because they began to cry. The lights cut out next, leaving us in the dark all except the glow from the fire creeping closer from the main hallway. We all sat or knelt on the floor. Between the coughing, hugging, and crying in the dark, there was no noise but the roar of the fire.

  I pulled Marley to me, my hands lovingly caressing her face, and kissed her over and over again as slowly as possible. If this was the way I was going to die, then I was going to go out letting her know I loved her. Though we hadn't said the words didn't mean that I wasn't absolutely in love with her. And I wasn't going to say them now just because we were dying, because that would cheat her. Even in death, I didn't want that for her. So I showed her instead.

  "I'm so glad that you smashed into me with your car," I said and smiled at her. "I wouldn't change a thing about meeting you except that I didn't get more time with you."

  She sucked in a ragged breath and let her tears fall as she smiled. "You hit me, buddy."

  "OK," I conceded, though it was absolutely not true. "I'll let you have that one this time." I caressed her cheek with my fingers, knowing there wouldn't be a next time. "You took my soul and wiped all the dirt away, sweetheart. You cured me of all that ached."

  She bit her lip so hard, I thought it would bleed. "I'm so glad I hit you that day, too. I'm so glad that I got to see the Jude that no one else sees."

  I gulped as she ran her thumb across the scar on my neck. "You never told me how you got this."

  I gripped her tighter as the girls beside me cried harder. "It was the only time Biloxi ever got his hands on me." She sat enraptured, even with everything going on. She needed me to keep her focused on this and I wanted to give her that. "Mom and I had just gotten to Mississippi. We were checking into this little studio apartment that comes furnished with things you need. I went out to the car to get our last bag of clothes and someone grabbed me from behind and tackled me, smashing my chin into the concrete step." She winced on my behalf. "Not three seconds later, mom came out and hit him in the side of the head with a cast-iron skillet. We packed up our crap, lickety split, and she took care of me herself with butterfly bandages. She couldn't take me to the hospital…so it left a big scar."

  "She saved you once again."

  "She was always saving me."

  She cried harder. "I wish I could have gotten to meet her."

  I smiled, feeling the prick of tears surfacing, knowing my next words were true. "She would have fallen in love with you, too."

  She kissed me hard and held on, her lips wet with tears. I felt someone jerking on my sleeve and looked down at the little boy Marley had saved.

  He pointed to one of the kid's rooms. "What is it, buddy?"

  "They caught me once," he said and ran for the room. I followed with Marley in tow. He pulled the closet open and in the top of it was a wood panel. I looked at him in surprise.

  "They caught me once when I climbed up. It's just a lot of buttons and wires up there."

  Marley laughed and kissed his cheek. "You're a genius."

  He wiped it off as I grabbed the chair from the corner and slammed it open, looking inside. There was some smoke up there, which meant the air ducts were probably close to the fire. The fire would be up there soon, too. It was all wood.

  I hopped down and grabbed him, shoving him into the hole and helped Marley go next. Then I ran to get the others in the hall. They went as quickly as they could, but by the time they were all helped up the hole, the fire had reached the room.

  I scrambled to get up, but realized we needed a light of some kind. I searched and found a small pen light on the desk. I groaned, but took it anyway. It was better than nothing. I held it in my teeth, pushed off the chair, and used my arms to pull me up, but my strength was nil. I made it, barely, and rolled onto my back, my legs still hanging out the hole, my head aching. I took a deep breath and sat up. Tossing the panel back over the hole, I bent on my knees panting for a few seconds to catch my breath as I shined my light, looking for...something. I couldn't stop. I couldn't let Marley down again.

  If that little boy hadn't told us about it, we would be dead right then.

  I pushed between them to get to the front and find a way out. There was nothing up there but ductwork, insulation, panel and fuse boxes, and the air conditioning units. We crept through the space, ducking for bracing boards and wires. There were still no windows, but I knew there had to be a way for the air to escape through there. I searched the deck and ceiling for any creases or cracks that would mean a door or panel of some kind, or access to the top floor where we'd originally come in at, but found nothing. When a scream from the back of the group shot out, I knew it was too late.

  The fire had reached our level.

  The women scrambled our way, corralling the children, but there was nowhere to go. We had escaped the fire in the hall only to be handed hope that had nowhere to take us. The adrenaline left me in a rush and I knelt down, unable to stand any longer. I thought Marley was going to be angry and yell for me to get up, but she didn't.

  She knelt beside me and pulled my head into her lap. She looked at the back of my head and cried softly when her hand came back with blood on it. She stroked my hair as she said, "You did everything you could. I know you're tired. Go to sleep, Jude. When you wake up, you'll
see your mom. And I'll see mine."

  I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. I lay back and prayed for sleep. She whimpered and rubbed my forehead with her palm and I wrapped my arm around her middle, pressing my face to her stomach to offer her my own comfort.

  Over the roar of the fire creeping toward us, I heard a siren. A police siren. If I could hear it, then there had to be a hole of some kind in the structure for the sound to come through like that.

  I sat up, looked toward the sound, and saw the edge of a grated duct or vent above our heads. It wasn't huge, but I knew a body could fit through there. I got up, my vision swimming, and crawled over to it. I stood. It was in the highest part of the ceiling and wall. It was welded to the metal frame and all painted with the industrial paint in the same color.

  When I pushed on it, nothing happened.

  I reared back, checking to make sure no one was directly behind me, pulled the gun from my shoulder, and started firing. The shots went everywhere because I was so disoriented, but the bullets ran out and it got the job done. The grating of the vent had bigger holes to weaken the frame. I took the butt of the rifle and banged it over and over and over in the center, hoping for it to give way.

  I was so angry that I wasn't strong enough right then to do what needed to be done. I yelled, screamed in anger, and with one final blow the grate showed pity on me, letting go and falling out the other side. I looked back to the group. They were yellow in the glow of the fire, dirty and coughing.

  The grate didn't give us any light, but I figured it was night by then, so I beckoned Marley's boy to me and somehow managed to hoist him onto my shoulder. He looked out, gripping the edge. "What do you see?" I asked.

  He stuck half of himself through the hole and the rest of him disappeared.

  Marley screamed, but I saw a spotlight, or helicopter light maybe, sweep across the opening and a face appeared. His helmet wasn't on, but I knew he was a fireman. I didn't even think. I grabbed the closest pregnant woman to me and made a step for her with my linked fingers. He helped her out, but it was slow going trying not to hurt the babies, unborn and born ones.

  Marley was next and I took her arm, but she snatched it away. "If you think I'm leaving you, you're crazy."

  She coaxed the children to the wall so we could help hoist them up. They weren't so bad and Marley and I got them all out. The fireman asked how many more and I told him. He yelled something down to the other man and they switched places. Then he beckoned the next woman to him.

  I tried to help her, but my body just wouldn't let me. Every time I used force, my head pounded and it felt like I was going to pass out. So I did the only thing I could think of. I got down on all fours and let them step on my back to hoist themselves up. Marley helped steady them as they were taken from the window.

  I held on, I tried to think, and wondered if this was the way my mother had escaped. The fire got closer, taking with it all the insulation in a quick puff. The wires bent and curved, dancing in the heat. The women were almost clear, but the fire was so close that my face burned from the heat off it.

  Marley jerked my face up, her own face scared and red. "Jude!" she screamed. "Get up!"

  "I have to help them," I muttered.

  "They're all gone. You saved them all, baby. I've been trying to wake you up for minutes now." Her tears made me ache. "Please get up. Why aren't you talking to me?"

  "I am," I answered, but even I couldn't hear it. "I am," I said louder and she gasped happily.

  "Let's go, now. You're awake. Just get out the window and they'll help you down and it will all be all right."

  It was at that moment that all my clarity slammed back into me. The window was too high. She was shorter than I was and there was no way she'd get herself up there for them to help her out. She was trying to get me to go first, but there was no way in hell I was leaving her behind.

  I knew she was going to fight me so I had to do it quick. I knew I'd only have one shot at it. So I kissed her, knowing it would be the last time. I framed her face with my hands and let my thumb travel down her nose one more time. When I heard a huge chunk of the floor cave in behind us, I went for it.

  I bent and put her butt on my shoulder, hoisted her right to the window and felt all my relief as she was taken from my hands. I heard her screams, her begging me not to, but I had to. I had to. I couldn't let her down again.

  I fell to the floor, unable to hold myself up and her cries for them to get me out drifted away. I heard them tell her the place was going to come down…

  I was glad when my ears started ringing, because her crying for me broke my heart. I felt the floor on my face and was shocked at how hot it was. The ceiling on my right sagged and groaned before caving and shaking me where I lay. My eyes tried to fight it, to stay until the last second, but my body had a different plan and took me away.

  The last thing I remembered before darkness was the lick of flames on my calf and a moment's pain before it was all sucked away to nothingness.

  SEVENTEEN

  Mom baked actual cookies that day. I remember that it was weird because we always ate cheap veggies and stuff like that. Cookies never made the cut.

  "What's the occasion?" I asked and hopped up on the counter with her.

  "I'm just celebrating something." She looked at me and her smile was small but genuine as it always was. She was probably celebrating me finishing school for the year, I had thought. She homeschooled me since I was four and she was more excited than I was for the break. We didn't break for summer though, like other kids. We took a break in the fall. It was her favorite time. We'd go drive and she'd force me to look at all the leaves changing into a hundred different colors. I hated it then, thought it was stupid. But back then, gas was only a dollar a gallon and it was the cheapest activity we had.

  Then she'd stop, and if we were in a state with mountains or peaks or valleys, we get out and look out at it. She'd get the small smile that she wore now and we'd sit and talk about her when she was a kid.

  But now, I really wanted to know what that smile was for. "Really, Mom. Spill. What's going on?"

  She took a deep breath and put her hands on my shoulders. "Today, ten years ago, was the day that I gave you your freedom." I gave her a curious look, not understanding. She leaned in and kissed my forehead. "And you're going to do great things with this life. I just know it."

  "Ah, come on, Mom."

  "You're going to laugh, run for fun and not because you have to, you're going to eat cookies for no reason at all, find a job you love, a girl who adores you, friends who deserve you, a house that you can stay in forever, and you're going to love, baby. You're going to love with all that you are, down into your soul."

  She cried and once again, my ten-year-old self didn't get why it was all so important. She had been celebrating the day she escaped the facility, the day she set me free. But the me now understood and I'd never, ever wanted my mom to be there with me more than right then.

  Thank you, mom, for loving me enough that you fought for me.

  I felt a tear slide from my eye and a cool hand wipe it away. "Jude," someone whispered in my ear.

  I recognized the voice immediately and knew this wasn't a dream or heaven. It was real and my girl had found a way to save me. I opened my eyes. The lights were already turned down to a soft glow and there she was.

  "Hey, sweetheart," my raspy voice told her.

  She burst into this half cry, half laugh thing and laid her forehead on mine as she refused to release the death grip on my hand. "Jude Ezra Jackson," she whispered. "You came back."

  "I'll always come to you. How quickly you forget." I touched her hair, weaving my fingers into it to anchor her there. "Wow, you're so soft."

  She leaned back a little and grinned, her cheeks stained with tears. "You are so not hitting on me right now."

  "But I am," I told her, my voice sounding more clear. "Kiss me, sweetheart. I missed you."

  She leaned in and let her soft l
ips touch mine in several caresses before she gave me the full pressure I craved. She kissed me once and then spoke angrily against my lips. "So, my life is worth more than yours, huh? You can just make the choice for me that I'm going to live and you aren't?"

  "I couldn't let you down," I told her. "And I couldn't watch you die. And I couldn't let someone so beautiful inside out be taken from the world if I could stop it." She sobbed against my mouth, but I held tight. "And I wouldn't let your mom's sacrifice for you be all for nothing."

  "Yeah? What about your mom?"

  I smiled and touched the scar on her lip. "My mom would have wanted me to sacrifice anything for the girl I was in love with."

  I could see the dam bursting in her, so I gently tugged her closer, pulling her onto the bed with me on her side so I could feel her everywhere, the blanket the only barrier keeping me from her. She slammed her mouth on mine and that was all I needed; the thumbs up that she was OK.

  One of my calves was all wrapped up in gauze and hissed with a sting when I wiggled around, but that didn't stop me from putting my good knee between hers and letting my hands take a tour. When my palm reached just under her behind, I was heartbroken she wasn't in her shorts. Her skin called to me and I answered.